Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Song about Sand Paper

*note- this post is to be read like a country fellow with his guitar and peculiar cowboy drawl. endnote*

This isn't a song. And it's not really about sand paper. It's not singly about sand or singly about paper either. It's about folks all over the world like me and kyle who are simply not smooth.

Guys like me and kyle who are pretty good guys on the inside, we like to think. But guys that wouldn't know how to woo a girl if she jumped into our arms and said "I'm already in love with you, just don't screw it up!"

Guys like me and kyle who don't pick up on hints. Guys like us who are too busy not trying to offend girls that there's no way in all of Georgia that we'll break that touch barrier unless it's for CPR. And you better believe we'll apologize to you for it afterwards.

Yeah, guys like me and him, who are so afraid of looking stupid or doing something that she doesn't want that we'll just avoid her for all of time instead of walking over there.

This song's for all the gentlemen that spent three hours at a party with a girl and didn't even look at her. Yep, this songs for those guys that went home from that adventure and texted her five minutes later because that's just the way that they roll.

I strum my philosophical guitar for people who are not and who will never be Tyrel. Guys who won't even be Glen or P Burn. Nope, we'll just keep on being not smooth.

But, after all, it's our own peculiar brand of not smooth. We're not smooth by the nature that we're too terrified to even try to be smooth. So not smooth that instead of even risking our wildest dreams come true we'd rather sit from the sidelines as those bold enough to act sweep them all, one by one, off their feet.

Yes indeed, this country song should probably rhyme but doesn't. It should probably have meter, but doesn't. And really, it should probably be sung by a giant jackalope that Pixar animated, but isn't.

But regardless of the song's shortcomings, this one goes out to all the fellows like me and Kyle. The ones without the girlfriends. The ones that, while girls probably like them, won't succeed for a very very long time because they're too nice to try. Too cautious to risk. Heard too many stories of hugs from guys that were unwanted, awkward moments forced by someone wanting to know an answer.

Yep, we're not as smooth as the Tyrel's out there. And we're not nearly as bold as the P Burn's. We like our girls cute, modest, intelligent, and ninety meters away where we can't do anything stupid. We'd step in front of a bullet for them, yes we would, but when it comes to saying "hi" in the mornings we'll kindly pass, thank you very much. That bullet starts to sound mighty appetizing when it's time to graduate from texting to real phone calls, I'll tell you what.

We are a noble class of gentlemen. We get good grades. We do our duty. We tie our ties well. We've never ever offended you, your sisters, your friends, or your mom. We have no criminal record. We have clean language, and you better believe that we drive safely. If there were superheroes in the world, most of them would be us. Most of us voted in the last election. We love and respect the women in our lives. But no, we will not go out of our way to talk to you at the party. And no, we will not ever try to bust a move. We're brave enough to fight a wild bear for you, but we're not brave enough to look you in the eyes when we talk.

This is our anthem. Too good to settle for the easy ones, too stupid to go for the right ones, and too cowardly to go for our dreams. We are sandpaper, and proud of it.

Nobody gets by without sandpaper. You need it for stuff. But you wouldn't want to be stuck on a doorstep with it, now would you?

Here's to you, fellow men of the sandpaper. One day our time will come. One day...

9 comments:

Combat Kyle said...

Yeah, most of us....

Time for this to end. I'm not throwing away the respect that we've worked so hard to maintain. I'm just breaking down the barriers. I'm using that sandpaper. I may not ever be smooth. But I'm sure gonna try. No more barriers. Round 9, fight!

Dave said...

This is quite possibly the greatest... whatever it is, ever written. Seriously man, we need to talk. Awesome post.

-Dave

Rebecca said...

Wow. I don't even know what to say. It's nice to hear a guy express feelings like this.


Seriously, this is great.

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I take my hat off to you gentlemen. I suggest you do some trial and error somewhere that if you fail, you won't be remembered. I don't flirt with guys that don't flirt with me first so get out there and fail your butt off. I recognize when the guy has good intentions and just didn't hit the mark, i feel stupid all the time so i understand where you are coming from. It took Thomas Edison like 10,000 times to create the light bulb, it might take 10,000 cheesy smiles to find you're eternal companion. :D

Anonymous said...

I'm currently dating a guy that would previously have been classified as "sandpaper". To this day he has never successfully called me first. But he is the most wonderful guy I have ever met, and I really do love the gentleman that he is.
It wasn't easy to convince him to talk to me and then to date me, but making the effort to get him was the decision I have ever made.
To all the girls that see this, make the effort with a sandpaper guy, it will be the best thing you could do.
And to the sandpaper guys, just keep being gentlemen, it'll take time but you will someday find a girl who will appreciate you for you. :)

Rayna Joy Waggener said...

Sigh...while I wish these great guys weren't so scared, I know that on the other side, I'm the girl that's just as scared! Can't wait for the day when I finally discover "the one!" Maybe subtle flirting will work out..haha! :)
Don't ever give up being that great, respectful guy! :)

TiasaurausRex said...

That is so beautiful.

TiasaurausRex said...

I am going to follow you :], Follow back if you want.