Saturday, December 20, 2008

An Updated List

Things that Christopher Thatcher is incredibly bad at:

1) Dota
2) Metabolizing glucose
3) Sledding
4) Arm Wrestling
5) Leg Wrestling

Notice the addition of "sledding" to the list. That's a big one.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Previously Published List

Things that Christopher Thatcher is incredibly bad at:

1) Dota
2) Metabolizing glucose

to be continued...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Song about Sand Paper

*note- this post is to be read like a country fellow with his guitar and peculiar cowboy drawl. endnote*

This isn't a song. And it's not really about sand paper. It's not singly about sand or singly about paper either. It's about folks all over the world like me and kyle who are simply not smooth.

Guys like me and kyle who are pretty good guys on the inside, we like to think. But guys that wouldn't know how to woo a girl if she jumped into our arms and said "I'm already in love with you, just don't screw it up!"

Guys like me and kyle who don't pick up on hints. Guys like us who are too busy not trying to offend girls that there's no way in all of Georgia that we'll break that touch barrier unless it's for CPR. And you better believe we'll apologize to you for it afterwards.

Yeah, guys like me and him, who are so afraid of looking stupid or doing something that she doesn't want that we'll just avoid her for all of time instead of walking over there.

This song's for all the gentlemen that spent three hours at a party with a girl and didn't even look at her. Yep, this songs for those guys that went home from that adventure and texted her five minutes later because that's just the way that they roll.

I strum my philosophical guitar for people who are not and who will never be Tyrel. Guys who won't even be Glen or P Burn. Nope, we'll just keep on being not smooth.

But, after all, it's our own peculiar brand of not smooth. We're not smooth by the nature that we're too terrified to even try to be smooth. So not smooth that instead of even risking our wildest dreams come true we'd rather sit from the sidelines as those bold enough to act sweep them all, one by one, off their feet.

Yes indeed, this country song should probably rhyme but doesn't. It should probably have meter, but doesn't. And really, it should probably be sung by a giant jackalope that Pixar animated, but isn't.

But regardless of the song's shortcomings, this one goes out to all the fellows like me and Kyle. The ones without the girlfriends. The ones that, while girls probably like them, won't succeed for a very very long time because they're too nice to try. Too cautious to risk. Heard too many stories of hugs from guys that were unwanted, awkward moments forced by someone wanting to know an answer.

Yep, we're not as smooth as the Tyrel's out there. And we're not nearly as bold as the P Burn's. We like our girls cute, modest, intelligent, and ninety meters away where we can't do anything stupid. We'd step in front of a bullet for them, yes we would, but when it comes to saying "hi" in the mornings we'll kindly pass, thank you very much. That bullet starts to sound mighty appetizing when it's time to graduate from texting to real phone calls, I'll tell you what.

We are a noble class of gentlemen. We get good grades. We do our duty. We tie our ties well. We've never ever offended you, your sisters, your friends, or your mom. We have no criminal record. We have clean language, and you better believe that we drive safely. If there were superheroes in the world, most of them would be us. Most of us voted in the last election. We love and respect the women in our lives. But no, we will not go out of our way to talk to you at the party. And no, we will not ever try to bust a move. We're brave enough to fight a wild bear for you, but we're not brave enough to look you in the eyes when we talk.

This is our anthem. Too good to settle for the easy ones, too stupid to go for the right ones, and too cowardly to go for our dreams. We are sandpaper, and proud of it.

Nobody gets by without sandpaper. You need it for stuff. But you wouldn't want to be stuck on a doorstep with it, now would you?

Here's to you, fellow men of the sandpaper. One day our time will come. One day...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Two and a half months

I'm back. And I'm home. I'm home in so many different ways and it feels incredible. I'm happy to be alive and sitting where I'm sitting today. I've got a lot to talk about a lot of people to hug for that one. And it can't all be contained in this one happy and smile-filled post, but I'll do my best to put a small portion in.

I'm sitting in my childhood home, upstairs in my room. My computer is sitting on my spacious desk while I type at it dressed in my pajamas, old man slippers, and the incredible scarf that Molly made me. The furnace is on and I'm toasty and happy. There's snow outside like there used to be.

I just read a lot from my journal and from some of my older posts. Just things from the past couple of months. It feels *so* good to read that journal. My posting here fell off about two months ago, but my journal has never stopped. I loved reading back and remembering so vividly all those things that I experienced. Things that I had completely forgotten but that were important to me at the time. That phrase, "important to me at the time" is something that I want to talk about tonight.

Do I remember that time we had to push the van up the hill? Do I remember the lessons I learned from it? Do I remember the list that I made the night after I talked with Heather? Do I remember how it felt to take that long walk? Do I remember how fun battling brad at battlefront was this semester? Do I remember running all the way home, down-hill, to get back in time to play warcraft? Do I remember singing that duet with Jake in mission prep? Do I remember the fireside?

With the exception of the van, those are things that I wrote about throughout the past two and a half months. I write pretty important things in my journal. I never really thought that I did, but reading this evening helped me see that a little bit. If it was good enough to get into the journal it certainly meant something to me. It changed my life and made me think. It was something that I wanted to remember. Those things that happened, whether they were things that I did or that someone else did, changed those days forever and made me feel differently.

I've written and thought a lot before about honoring the past version of myself. The first time I can remember doing this was late one night as I was wrapping up one of my very first emo-posts. As I came to finishing it, I realized that it was pretty personal, very long, and might bring some people down instead of lifting them up. Those were things that I didn't like to post, especially that last one. But as I argued with myself over whether to delete it or not, I wrote something like this: "I really want to take this down. But as a monument to the way that I felt tonight, to the person who I was tonight, I'll leave it up. Because I know tomorrow-me is going to want to take it down. But for what I feel and who I am tonight, I'll leave it." Ever since then I've kind of had that mindset. When I feel passionately about something I know that there's a good chance I won't feel like that in the near future. And when I stop feeling like that, then what happens?

Looking back on these past few months, on all these events and occasions, I realize that I did quite a bit of feeling. Those things I mentioned, and many others as well, made me into "someone" those nights and days. I left monuments to them through my journal and sometimes my blog. But I hadn't ever really revisited them. They existed, but what good is a monument that is never visited?

The moral of my story? I read tonight. I read to prepare for a post I was planning that was entirely different from the one that I just wrote. But something cool happened as I read. I remembered those things that have happened. And as I remembered them, I felt like all those different Christopher Thatchers that existed on those discrete nights came back together to be me again. I feel very whole right now. Whole like everything I did this past semester hasn't been forgotten. Whole like I'm living my life on purpose and moving forward. I feel whole like I haven't forgotten the things that are important. It's a difficult feeling to describe, but it is important to me.

Those things were important to me at the time that they happened. And they're important to me now as well. When I forget about things, what changes? Is it the event itself? "It was important to me at the time, but it has fundamentally changed since then, so it is no longer important"? Or is it myself that changes? "It was important to me at the time, but since then I have fundamentally changed, and it is therefore no longer important"? I don't necessarily know the answer to that question.

But I'll tell you something good. Reading and thinking and praying tonight makes me very happy to be the same me that experienced all those things. Those things haven't changed. I haven't changed, in the respect that I'm still the same me that experienced them. And I'm happy about that.

I'm proud to report that I made it through all of those experiences. I survived pushing that van up the hill. I survived those rounds of battlefront and dota. I survived the physics final. I really did find out that girl's name. I did that laundry, and you better believe it got clean and dry. I shopped at Lee's. I stayed up late, and a couple times I even went to bed early. I was part of apartment 36. I cared about those guys and they cared about me. I was part of a quorum and a ward. I made friends. I got better at Ultimate, and I did play in that tournament. Yes, those things did happen. And yes, I do remember them.

The past few months have changed me forever. I could say that about any sequence of months in my life. There have been ups and downs, but all in all I'm proud of what has been accomplished.

I'm happy to announce that I'll be back here more often. Like I said at the beginning, I'm back. Don't expect daily updates about my life, but do expect a couple of posts a week about what I'm thinking.

Thanks for reading friends. Thanks for being around. It's been a good adventure thus far. I hope that you're all doing well. I do care. Good luck on everything. And if I can do something for you, let me know, cause that stuff makes me happy. Keep on trucking, friends. I know I will.

Here I go, happy to be getting better.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Good Day

I'm very happy to report that today was a good day. Today was a day that I felt like smiling. I did a lot of that today. I did some running that was free and purposeful. I did work and I learned things. I was social. I looked good for a large portion of today. Things were good today.

I've been around long enough to realize that today was not good entirely because of the things that I did. I know that part of it was my fault, and I feel good about the things I did to make it a good day. But I know that I'm a sine graph. I know that things go up and down without me necessarily knowing why or how. I know that no matter how good today was, bad days are on the way. Not because anything terrible is going to happen, but just because I'll be unhappy sometime in the future. It's the way things go.

And so I recognize that today may be part of a much larger cycle. It wasn't all me making this day good. Why is it important?

Because I feel like I was blessed with a good day for a reason. I don't know what the reason was or is. But I don't necessarily think that it's that important that I know. What's important is that I take this good day and that I use it.

I feel like I have more capacity to do good on a good day. I smile more. My smile makes other people smile. I want to work on a good day. I want to share happiness with others and I want to move forward into the future. If I've been dealt that good of a hand on that day, I feel like it's my job to use all of that to make good things happen. My job is to take the good day and run with it.

And that's what I wanted to say tonight. I don't know why I've been blessed with this good day. And I know that tomorrow might very well be a sad and depressed day in which I don't want to do anything.

But for now, while the sun is shining and I'm feeling great, I'm going to run with it. I'm going to do the absolute best I can with all of this, because today's a blessing. They don't come around all the time like this, you know. I've got to take it.

That's my happy message of the day, it makes me smile. I hope that I can write a big post soon about everything in my life. But tonight's not that night.

I hope that you're all doing well. Things are going to get better. They have a tendency to do that, you know. Sometimes it's stuff we do, and sometimes it's not. But things will get better. Maybe not forever. But hey, good days will come. I'm going to run with it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Saturday, November 22

I've been meaning to write an update for a very long time now. This is not the update you're looking for. A little bit of jedi mindtrick there for you. It's a little bit of a tale, something ridiculously stupid that I did last night that I feel like sharing.

Every night before bed I do a shot- it's what I do. I do 32 units of Lantus to keep my bloodsugar stable throughout the day. This shot is in addition to all of the other shots I do whenever I eat. The cool thing about Lantus is that it activates over a 24 hour period at the same rate all the time, so you hardly ever notice it's there. It makes a big difference though, and it's really nice to have around.

A couple of years ago my sister accidentally did novolog instead of lantus one night. Novolog is the stuff that we do when we eat. It starts acting immediately and it does all of its effect at once. That's why it's so nice for when we eat. She's on a similar treatment plan to me, so her lantus shot is always a big one. That night she did a ton of Novolog instead of lantus. She realized what she'd done shortly after she'd done it, so she told me and Andrew and then went to the kitchen to gorge herself on carbohydrates. Ever since that happened I've been terrified that I'll make a mistake and do the same thing.

Flash forward to last night, when I do the exact same thing. It was really late because I'd been up playing warcraft with Tyrel and Dak. By late I mean 5 am, my bad there. I guess I wasn't thinking too well, because I had plenty of opportunity to stop and say "wait a minute, this isn't my normal routine!". Things were out of whack, but because I wasn't careful I ended up with 32 units of novolog shot straight into my belly fat.

Here's the fun part. Lantus works over a 24 hour period, right? So it doesn't matter that you do a ton of it at one time, because it's so spread out. Novolog hits immediately (okay, so it's actually somewhere between ten and twenty minutes to start working, and its effect doesn't get over for about an hour- but still, it's supposed to be immediate). So I all the sudden have a ton of insulin in me that's trying to take my bloodsugar down. Like, really far down.

To understand the magnitude of how stupid this was, let's look at a bit of math. For every 15 grams of carbohydrate I eat, I do one unit of Lantus. One slice of grandma sycamore bread has 22 grams of carbs. Eight ounce of milk has about 15 carbs, etc. etc. You can look on the nutrition facts. When I test my bloodsugar, I do one unit of novolog for every 30 the result is over 120. That means that if I test and I'm 180 I'll do 2 unites of novolog to get back to where I want to be. Okay, glad we got that figured out.

So I test last night and I'm 337. Yeah, that's really high, once again, my bad. That's seven units of correction. It would have been sweet had I actually done seven units. Instead I accidentally did 32. That leaves 25 units of active novolog in my body, just waiting to send me into a coma and leave me dead. It was time to binge.

I went upstairs and woke Andrew up to let him know what was going on. It's always good to have another person around in cases like this, since they're not in danger of falling over all the time. If something bad happens, he'd be there to fix stuff. He was a really great brother and he woke up at 5 AM to lay on the couch and ask every couple minutes "hey, you still alive?". What a stud.

I talk about falling over and dying, but it's really not that frightening. Because my bloodsugar was so high when I did the shot, I knew that I had quite a bit of time before the insulin would start kicking my butt.

On average, I do about eight to ten units of insulin for dinner. I do four or five for breakfast. 25 active units of novolog is three dinners. I did the math and needed 375 grams of carbohydrates in the next twenty or so minutes.

I started rummaging through the kitchen to find food that would have a lot of simple carbs that my body would absorb quickly. I knew I wouldn't be able to force a ton of food into me, certainly not three dinner's worth. I had to choose wisely.

I ended up drinking two cups of super-tang. That's a total of six scoops of tang mix spread out between 32 or so fluid ounces of water. That's enough tang mix to make six quarts of NASA's favorite drink. It was super concentrated tang, but it carried a ton of really fast carbs. My super-tang drinking habit netted me 216 grams of carbs. Holy crap, that's a ton of carbs.

After that I looked for the next highest carb-density food in the kitchen. Ends up that maple syrup has 60 carbs for every quarter cup. Holy crap. So I decided to eat two eggo's and spread a half cup of syrup between the two of them.

I tried really hard and it was totally disgusting. I managed to down 3/8 of a cup of syrup between the two. After that I figured I'd have enough carbs to make it through the evening. So I went and laid down on the floor of my bedroom, waking up every twenty minutes or so to test and make sure my bloodsugar wasn't going insane. After two hours of that I figured it was going to be okay so I took out my contacts and went to bed.

Going to bed at seven thirty sort of means that I'll sleep until four the next day unless someone wakes me up. So today has pretty much been a wash.

I feel really stupid about all of this. It's a stupid mistake that I've been looking out for for years now. I was stupid and careless last night and I had to pay for it. I'm super glad that I'm at home this weekend. Food is a lot easier to come by in my parent's kitchen.

I shouldn't have been up that late in the first place, because that's just asking for trouble. I made it out alright, but my body still took a beating for it. Sleep loss is only the beginning. Downing that many quick and worthless carbs in that short of time isn't a good idea for anyone. It was a bit of a struggle to keep it all down for the next hour or so, my body really didn't like having the super tang and syrup mix in it.

But hey, crisis averted. I don't write this to stir up any sort of anything from the audience. I'm writing it because last night as I was dealing with it all I thought about writing it here. Hopefully I'll be able to write an update soon. But know I am alive and that things are going generally well. Today wasn't super great, but my life has been getting better as a general trend.

I hope you're all doing well. Happy nearly thanksgiving break. Much love to everybody out there. Hopefully I'll be able to see most of you sometime soon. Peace.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - A Post of Passion

"I'm moving to Canada." - about fifty facebook statuses

First off, moving to Canada hasn't ever been a good strategic choice. Today is no different.

Obama got elected, and a lot of people I know are freaking out about this. I'm just going to lay out how I feel right now and let you all sort through whatever happens.

I believe in America. I believe in the people of America. I can not and will not believe that my personal beliefs about politics outweigh the personal convictions and political ideals of any other individual in this country. I think I'm smart, but I love that my vote counts just as much as anyone else's.

Our electoral system elected Obama. If you have a problem with the results of this election you have a problem with the constitution and the fundamental beliefs that this country was built upon. Because no matter who you voted for, we as a people have elected our next president.

If the voice of the people had come in for McCain, and somehow someone other than McCain was our president, I'd be heartbroken. The exact same goes for Senator Obama. Even if I was the hardest and most intense McCain supporter in the world, I would rather see the voice of the people go satisfied instead of my own personal desires.
I believe in the American system more than I believe in my own ability to choose the best leader for my country. America was built upon this sacrifice. We're built upon the idea that anyone's individual desires are not greater than the will of the people as a whole.

This isn't about me and what I know. This is about all of us and what we have come together to decide. I believe this is the best way. That's what the founding fathers believed.

In conclusion, America has spoken. Like it or not, this is the way things are. I think we can all take tonight to be upset and to cry and to invest in Asian markets. But by tomorrow morning I expect to see a country that is ready to wake up and work for a better future. This is the American system. I believe in it and support it. No matter who the president is, we have a responsibility to honor that office and to work as individuals to make our country better.

So I'm going to wake up and get an education. I'm going to work hard for me, my family, my beliefs, and for the American economy. I'm going to make things better by being a good guy. I'd do that no matter who was elected.

Be you red or blue, we have our next president. He's not the democrat's president and he's not the republican's president, but he's the president of the American people. Party lines don't exempt you from being American.

I rejoice in the greatness of our system. I rejoice that it's still working. I don't care how you feel about Obama, I only care how you feel about America. Do you believe in the system? Do you have faith in what we were built upon?

I know this will get me into trouble. But it's how I feel. I believe in America, and I would no matter who was elected. Thanks for reading, my politically charged friends.

-Christopher "I love the closed ballot!" Thatcher

Friday, October 31, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Crucial Juncture of Death

10:38 AM - I'm in the lab again.

I have a calculus test on Monday. It's Friday. I haven't exactly done the last two calc assignments. And by "haven't exactly done" I mean "haven't done." Professor Cannon, who is a stud, gave us a practice exam on Wednesday so we could get it done and ask questions on it today. I went two for five on questions, but I feel like I have a pretty decent shot come Monday. And hey, 40 percent's not that bad, right? SLCC, here I come!

It's becoming more and more difficult to actually do work. I'm surprised this didn't happen before. We were up pretty late last night playing warcraft. We suddenly realized that we have a killer network set up at home, and that it's really easy to pull Levi or James' lappy into me and Andrew's room so we can play from the same place. Me and Kyle were switching off using my computer, with Levi four feet away. We were online playing with Dak, Tyrel, and Glen. It was pretty intense. Lots of fun, but it lasted a wee bit too late into the evening. I did manage to study my calc after we got done, but it wasn't for nearly long enough. Staying up that late helped me be pretty tardy (and the award for ugliest word in the human language goes to...) to calc this morning.

So, it was fun, but it sorta hindered my academic progress. Worst part? It's friday, and I'm thinking that when I get home, I've got a full day to waste doing fun stuff like that. Alas, I need to study. But dang, can't argue with fun social gaming like that.

So, this prospect of the calculus test is a very interesting one. Tests are weighted as 40 percent of the entire grade in there. There are two midterms, so each is 20 percent. That means that this single midterm I'm taking on Monday is equal to every homework assignment combined for the entire semester. With that proportionality, it'd make a whole lot of sense for me to spend hours and hours preparing for this blasted test. After all, I've been dedicating at least two hours every other night, or six hours a week to do those assignments. And that's an incredibly conservative estimate. It's more like three every other night. So I'm saying that it'd be a shame for me to not put forth the effort to get an A on this test. I think that it's possible, but it's pretty far out there right now. The material isn't incredibly difficult... there's a TON of room for error, but that's to be expected. I have absolutely no experience with spherical or cylindrical coordinate systems, and I know that that will be at least 20 percent of the test. Jacobians and transformations don't look that difficult, but I didn't do the assignment that taught us that, so I'll need to do that this weekend.

Mora of the story? This weekend is officially Go Time for calculus. As a general rule, I've never passed up a good Go Time opportunity for school. I've always missed little assignments and stuff, but when it really came down to make it happen, I put forth the work to make things fly. This will be a pretty tough weekend to make that happen. I hope that I can make it work. It's important- there's a whole lot of money riding on that GPA...

So, every Ultimate announcement I ever make on this blog usually ends up doomed. We still haven't played Murray. But there's a savage seven tournament on the 15th of November, and we're going to field a team. It's going to be pretty cool because BYU is fielding two teams and Utah State is fielding at least one. It's open to everybody though, so we're going to assemble our seven and go get owned. Savage Seven is cool because it's just seven vs. seven all day long. No subs. You play games to seven, with a hard cap, so no win-by-two or anything like that. Me, Andrew, Levi, Brad, and James are all in for sure. Kyle is a maybe, depending on how his back is treating him. Last night he sounded pretty confident though. We'd really like to get one guy from our Ultimate class, since he's pretty sick and friendly. But he'll be out of town, so we're looking into recruiting one of Andrew and Brad's friends. We only need one more guy, and I'm really looking forward to playing. We'll get trashed, but it'll be fun to go play high level with guys I like. That's in two weeks, I'm pretty happy.

I haven't written for a while. I don't really mind. Traffic is down considerably. But, really, I think I'm okay. Life has been better lately. That's not even close to all my fault, but things are moving forward. I've been working a lot harder on school and on a lot of other things that needed to change. The biggest deal for me has been Kyle. I started really trying to be nice to him, since I was always a butthead. It didn't really matter the situation, I just wasn't nice to kyle. So I've been really trying, and it's been making a difference for me. I don't know if anyone else noticed, maybe not even Kyle, but it makes me feel a lot better about myself.

I'm not much of one for quotations on the blog, but I'm tossing one in. C.S. Lewis, that stallion that he is, had a pretty good one in the Screwtape Letters. The whole book is one professional 'devil' writing to his nephew who's trying to be a devil too, or something. It's essentially good advice on how to tempt and get people to be jerks. Pretty cool premise. Anyways-

Do what you will, there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient's soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary.

I heard that a while ago, the day after I had really found some motivation to work harder and be better. It's a pretty cool reality. So, I'm trying not to be a jerk to Kyle. I associate with Kyle more than anyone. And If I'm a jerk to the one person I associate with most, that makes me a jerk for a big portion of my life. I don't want to be a jerk. So I'm working on it. Old habits die hard, but that front is going well.

There's a lot of really good stuff going on up here. Lots of work yet to be done. It's hard to love school when I don't know what I want to do with my life. But school's not the only important thing up here. Almost all of my life to this point has been about becoming. Go to school to become a good college student. Go to college to become a highly paid worker. Run to become a better athlete, read to get smarter, prepare for a mission, etc. etc. This stuff is all awesome, but I will say that it is very nice to look at things and know that I got them done and that nothing is going to take that away from me. The thing about becoming is that it's always in a state of flux, and it's always possible to go back and suck again. I ran for a long time in order to get better. I used to be pretty intense, and now I'm not. Things like that can go away, you're never sure if you're there permanently. But there's some good stuff in life that once you get it done, well, it's done for the month. It helps you and everyone else become better, yes, but once it's done, it's never going away. Case in point: Me and Levi did some hometeaching last night. Yes, it was the second to last day of the month. And yes, we still haven't found our wayward non-resident. And no, I'm not saying this to toot any sort of horn. But it does feel good to be able to report 80 percent on Sunday. Yes, 80 percent isn't good enough. But hey, that 80 percent for October isn't going anywhere. That one's going down on the books. It's a good feeling.

Okay, not too long until I have to get to physics. Only two more hours of class and then I'm done for the weekend. I'm going to the basketball game tonight (w00t) and hopefully getting some work done. Should be a good weekend.

I hope you're all doing well. Happy long post Friday. I do like writing less often. But hey, good luck with everything. Life's tough, but it has its advantages. Happy Friday friends, much love.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Not Smooth

I really enjoy being home. I came home to see the musical. I sort of have an unofficial goal to not come home too many weeks in a row, just because I know it's important that I stay up in Logan. But this weekend has just been really good. The musical was incredible, and I've spent a lot of time with a lot of really good people. I love it here because I'm in my element. I'm surrounded by people that know me and that believe in me. I don't have to prove anything, I'm just me, doing what I do. I love that. I know that I'm me wherever I go, but it's so nice to joke with everybody and laugh together. I have really valued the time I've had this weekend to be with people.

It's back up to Logan tomorrow to start a new week. I can't say I'm excited to go do more calculus and physics, but it'll be good to go learn and move forward with life.

Not too much to say tonight, other than that I really like being home. I love Logan too, and I'm happy to be there. But let's be serious folks, I like home more. Just because home is that good.

I hope you're doing well friends. Happy Saturday evening. I'll catch you all later.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Field Trip

I'm posting today from the lab in the library basement. I didn't post last night for a couple of reasons.

The good news: I was able to get my physics assignment taken care of, with a little more than one hundred percent, I think. My calculus assignment, well, I got all the problems completed minus two, although I was certifiably wrong on a lot of problems. I give myself an 80 percent for effort, and a 60 percent for actual accuracy. Hey, could have been worse, right?

This morning was miraculous in that I got to calculus early and stayed awake through the entire 50 minutes. It has been a very long time since that has happened. I feel pretty loved.

I have a dilemma for the weekend. I want to come home to see the musical and be with people, but there's a pretty cool ward activity going on up here tonight. I have a ride home and back, no problem. I'm still pretty torn, though. Right now it looks like I'll be staying here, unless something changes. I still got some time, though, so we'll see. I don't really wanna miss the musical, because I believe in supporting the school and all that. Seeing friends is always a plus. But it's an important ward activity, alas. We'll see.

So, calculus is pretty cool, but I'm not that good at it right now. There's just an incredible amount of error that can slip in. We're doing triple integrals. So instead of integrating along some line from x=0 to x=2, we integrate some volume V bounded by the planes z + x + y = 1, x = 0, y = x + 2z, and something else that's fierce. So we've got to spatially visualize these crazy planes to give a three-dimensional model, and then find out the limits of integration between them. Half of the limits are in terms of other variables, which makes it all sorts of fun. It really is pretty cool when it works right, but integration is messy just by itself, and doing three integrals on top of each other means that errors creep in from everywhere. I do really like the subject, but I recognize that I'm not getting accurate answers. The next test is going to be a very interesting one.

10:51 AM, have I ever blogged during this hour of the day in the history of the other dentist? Probably once or twice, actually, but that might have been the very first few times I was posting here during journalism for junior high. I've spent a fair amount of time in this computer lab here, so the environment isn't new. But it's interesting to write during the morning. Afternoon? I don't even know.

Fifteen minutes till I have to hoof it over to physics. I'm actually going to lecture today, hooblay! I've decided to stop sluffing. As much as I really enjoy sluffing, it's not a great idea. I'm going to try really hard to stay awake in there today. History is stacked against me on this one, but I've already seen two miracles this morning- who says I can't believe in a third?

Yay, I'm talking to my mom online. She got a laptop for her work, and now she's finally learning to use a computer. It's been a pretty funny adventure. Pretty cool that mom's so smart though. It doesn't take her long to pick up on new stuff like this. I should call and talk to her more though. I can get by without talking to people I care about, I've found. But it's always nicer when I do. Pretty interesting stuff, though.

Next semester is going to be incredible, I've decided. I'm going to be so not new to college it's going to be insane. I've got a few goals kicking around in the oven, and I think I know a pretty good direction to move in. I've had one run through, and I'm pretty confident that the second one will be a lot smoother. Just saying, I'm looking forward to it.

Okay, it looks like I am coming home this weekend. Mom's good at advice. I'm off to physics, friends. I hope that you have a great day and weekend and all sorts of fun stuff. Peace and love~

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Eighteen

Happy 450th post, The Other Dentist.

I think that after day 24 I'll go back to the old style. You know, with real titles instead of auto-generated ones. While I do love the simplicity and cohesion of it all, it'll be fun to use titles again. I'll also probably drop off on posting, but we'll see. My readership has gone up tons by posting every day. Watching the stats, the two nights that I didn't really post dropped down considerably. But hey, it's not about readership, is it?

It's super late. Today was whack. I slept through some stuff I shouldn't have, and then took another nap on top of that. But I accomplished most of the stuff I wanted to. Tomorrow has a ton of work lined up for me because of what I didn't do today. But I've got time to do it, and I hope that I can. It's plausible :)

I took a good look at my current academic standing tonight. I ran a few simulations of final grades for my classes, to find out what my final GPA will be for the term. The most realistic of these simulations sees me getting a 3.73 final, which is more than high enough to hold on to my scholarship. I'd like to pad that up further, but that's what I'm shooting for right now. That all hinges on good performances on the two remaining physics tests and the two remaining calc tests. That means I need to start attending physics class again, and start being on time to calc again. But I think I can pull it off. Like me and Nike said, I know how far I have to go.

So, ridiculously scheduled day. But not a total wash like I thought it might be. This one goes in the "done" pile. Not because all the work it had was done, but because it's over. Tomorrow's the day for me. I read a physics chapter tonight, but I have a whole assignment to do tomorrow. Shouldn't be too terrible. Calculus assignment as well. Double stacking those is a bit of a nightmare, but not something I can't do.

Today wasn't great for my academics. But mission prep went really well, and I felt pretty good about most of the things I'm working on. I had a good time talking to friends tonight and being with my roommates. Me and James made a delicious cake from scratch, it was great. Brad finally started playing KOTOR, so me and kyle have more temptation than ever. Not a wash, and that's good news.

Tomorrow's another day. Time for study, then time for sleep. Thanks for being around friends. You're pretty cool. I'm trying up here. That's great news.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Seventeen

No time to dilly-daddle, I've got sleep to get to!

But in the meantime, it has been a pretty good day. School likes to throw things at me, but I'm keeping my head above water and trying to make it work. Assignments are rough, but we're getting there.

I really want to start exploring my options for next semester soon. I feel pretty good about the math education major, and so I'm excited to see what that entails for the next several years of my life. I did a psuedo-four-year-plan for scholars forum, but I didn't pay much attention to that, so it'll be good to get a good idea. Hopefully I can get that at least looked at this week.

I want to be passionate about something. Right now I'm passionate about being a better guy, and it's making a huge difference. Before I wanted it, but I wasn't passionate about it. Now I am, and that's good news. I'm still working on it, but at least now I can smile about the prospects.

But yeah, I want to be passionate about something. I think it'd be super cool to be passionate about my education, and then later my career. I think it's realistic. I can find it. Just gotta look.

so, 3:00 AM, my procrastination on calculus smote me a bit today. But it's not unbearable. I've got one paper to write tomorrow between calc and physics, and then a whole chapter of physics that I really should get done in the evening. That probably means I'll have to take a nap in order to be effective. I don't know how I feel about that. I know that it helps my schoolwork, but I don't know how I feel about the health effects. Is it worth the trade off? A big nap tomorrow means staying up late. Granted, I can sleep in on thursdays, but that just keeps me in this vicious cycle. I'll think about it. In any event, I'm pretty excited to give physics a go tomorrow. We're finally out of electricity and into magnetism, and that's really really good news.

How'd I do at being a better person today? Much better, and it feels good. Still several gaping holes where I wasn't a nice guy, but I can deal with that. I didn't do well at changing my sleep patterns, but I felt good about my efforts in the other categories.

So, I might come back this weekend, not sure. The high school play is on, and that'd be pretty great to go to. I've got a ride, and I'd be back up here for sunday like I need to be. I don't quite know if it's worth it or not, but I'll probably end up going down. Hooblay!

Alright friends, I'm out. Good luck tomorrow in your adventures. I'll catch you all later- I hope you're doing well.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Sixteen

1:28 AM - baby steps towards going to bed at a decent hour :)

Today was day two of moving towards being a better person. I woke up knowing what I wanted to work on, and I feel like I did a good job remembering that throughout the day. There were a lot of moments when I realized that I had just screwed up on a goal or on something I need to work on, but that made me pretty happy. The fact that I can notice when I do stupid things means that I can move towards not doing those stupid things anymore. Today was a good day because I was able to work on being better.

Am I better than I was yesterday? I think so. Still got forever and a day to go... but hey, I've got time. This is good news.

I said last night I'd explain a little better some of what happened this weekend. I don't want to go into too much detail right now, but a few things happened that made me more human than I've been for the past few months. I know that sounds incredibly stupid, but it makes sense to me. It's sort of like something that should have happened a really long time ago finally happened. It was very late, but it finally showed up. I don't really know why, but it helped things change considerably.

Yes, I know it has only been two days. But I'm feeling better. Best of all, I'm feeling hopeful that I can make this work. I'm behind on some things up here, but I know I can fight back up. I've let a few things go these past few months. No idea if they're salvageable, but I'm going to try.

Today was good, and I feel like I made progress on almost all of my points of emphasis. That makes me happy. I'm going to call it a night and go study. That's going to take care of two emphases at once. Good news.

I might be pretty scarce around here in the near future, we'll see how it goes. If I don't show up for a while, I want to thank everybody who has been here for this adventure. All of the encouraging comments really did help a lot. You're an incredible group of friends. There are probably some lurkers out there who I'm not aware of. You folks are cool too, even if I don't know that you're my friend yet.

Much love, and good luck. Things are going to be alright. Work feels good. Progress feels so good. I know that I'm going to screw up, but I'm going to keep on trying. Get back up, it's time to finish the race.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Fifteen

It's super late, too late to really post, but I wanted to stop by and say that it's working. I feel like things are changing. I feel like I can actually do what I have to do to make it work this time.

A lot of things have had to happen to come to this point. It's been a day, but so far I love it. It's a big story. I know that the story isn't done yet, but it took a pretty cool twist this past weekend. I didn't see it coming, but it's been waiting for a while I think.

One more step along the path, one more checkpoint. This weekend was good for me, good things happened. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be hard, just because it's so late right now. But I'm going to do my best. I've got a plan, and I've got reasons for working. It's go time.

I hope to stop by tomorrow and do a better job explaining things, when I've got a little bit more time. I'm really considering taking a hiatus, and posting only occasionally like Melissa plans to do. No guarantees. But for now, I'm just going to keep up running, cause that's what I want to do. Much love friends, goodnight.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Fourteen

Why are things the way that they are? Who am I, and when did I start being me?

I'm not happy with the way things are right now. And what that really means is that I'm not entirely satisfied with the way that I am right now.

And I've been dissatisfied with this for a while, as the blog history will show. And my efforts up to this point have been more or less unsuccessful.

Tonight was a good night that made me want to be better. And so here I stand, once again, writing a post, vowing that I'm gonna go do better. See, the most interesting thing about all of this is that I'm not doing anything that much differently than I was doing before. I'm not doing bad things or being a bad guy. I just don't feel as good about myself as I used to. I recognize that there's a lot of work that I need to do to become a better person.

But like I said, I know I've been here before. I've started many a quest. I've halfheartedly failed a lot of quests too.

But all of that considered, I'm not down and out yet. I am going to make this work. I've got a goal. And maybe it won't work out, and I'll be right here again in a week. And if that's the case, then that's the case. I'm going to keep getting up, and I'm going to keep trying. After I've worked hard enough, I'm going to learn what it is that I need to learn. I'm not giving up.

So here we are. Writing a post that's pretty much been written before. An author with dwindling desire to write and an audience with dwindling desire to read. So maybe it does look like fall outside the window, but it's alright, because spring is going to come. And whatever happens, I will keep getting up. Yep, I've been better than I am right now. And I want to be that good again, and I want to be even better than that. But it takes work.

So here I go, to work.

Thanks for being around friends. I hope things are great for you.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Thirteen

I am proud to announce that I am not posting tonight either. I'm only here so I don't ruin my pretty dang long streak of posting every day. Much love, I hope you're all doing well.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Twelve

Hey, happy Thursday. I'm here to say that I'm not posting tonight. Yes, I know that this is a post. But I'm not posting anything else, other than to say that I'm doing good over here. Nobody's dead, nobody's even in mortal peril that I know of. I'm just doing something I feel like doing- not posting.

I hope you're all doing well. I should have a phone by tomorrow. I'm in town, maybe we should party down.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Eleven

Happy Wednesday. I've had a lot of fun tonight. Tonight was probably the closest I've come this whole time to "having fun" the way that I imagined I would. I've had a lot of fun all sorts of other times, that's for sure. But tonight was sort of the classic adventure that you hear about and love.

Me, Brad, and Andrew went to the fieldhouse to play some basketball. The courts were full, so we played squash instead. Squash is like raquetball the same way that the phonebook is like the internet. You know that they're both related and so some of the same tasks, but one is just a lot slower and less fun than the other. We had a good time playing around with the different game mechanics, though.

The fieldhouse is a pretty cool building. It's like a big warehouse. It's just bit and open, with all sorts of fun stuff going on inside. The squash court is up on the second floor, tucked away in a small box-room that's tucked away inside a bigger box-room. I have this insane vision of setting up a blanket and a projector in there and watching a movie for a romantic date. It's one of those rooms or parts of a building that is so not normal. It's the kind of stuff that's fun to explore, because it's outside the realm of what you're used to. It's tucked away, twice. Narrow hallways and too many doors. It's just fun.

We were able to play some basketball after squash, and that was good times. We're not good, but we have a good time.

We drove to McDonalds to get some food and rent Iron Man from redbox. I'd never seen it, and I loved it. That's just a cool movie. It's well done. I don't have much else to say about it, but I know that I enjoyed it. I don't have to qualify it from a literary standpoint, I just had a good time.

It was fun to hang out with Brad and Andrew and have an adventure like that. Fun to watch the movie with Levi and Kyle, too, but the majority of the adventure was with the other two.

I only have one class tomorrow, and it doesn't start till 12:30. I'm going to get up a little early so I can study physics and go get registered to vote up in Logan so I don't have to drive home to vote come November. Still undecided as to who to vote for.

But it's been a real relaxed evening that's just been fun.

I'm not nice to kyle, and that bugs me. When I get to know people really well, I get really comfortable and casual around them. Kyle is the epitome of that effect. I'm nice to people I don't know, but sometimes I'm just a butthead when it comes to dealing with Kyle. That's something that I know needs to change, cause I really care about Kyle. He's a good kid, and when we're working together, we do pretty good stuff. I know he knows all that business deep down, but that's still no excuse for me to be not super nice to him. That's a good goal to work towards.

My phone's been dead for a while now. It'll be back to functioning capacity come Friday, if everything goes according to plan. That'll be great news. If you've called or sent a text that I haven't responded to, I apologize. I'll do my best to take care of that as soon as I have a working phone again.

Good day today. I got some good stuff done, I had a lot of fun, and I feel like I'm prepared for what tomorrow will bring. I'm so excited to come home.

Well friends, it's time for me to head out. I hope you're doing well. Happy college, everybody. I'll catch you all later.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Ten

Ten days trying to remember that I'm the man for the job. Remembering is pretty hard some times. But we're getting there.

I think one of the hardest things to do up here is to remember the big picture. Things get so tiny up here so fast. Sometimes it's hard to see beyond the end of the day's assignments.

It is so nice to get a glimpse of big pictures though. I read a few paragraphs about scholarships today. An assignment for scholar's forum gives us an option of doing a few of those things, and one of those things is writing a letter to someone who gave you a shot at coming to school because of a scholarship.

It was just really cool to step back and see that people were actually funding me because they believe in me. A couple of sources. Utah State, the federal government, ATK/chamberwest. That's pretty incredible.

I feel pretty inadequate sometimes. I started my calculus assignment tonight at one. That's late. It wasn't because I was working on other stuff today, it was just because I was really being a slacker. I don't work as hard as I can up here. I'm not doing all the awesome things I could be. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sucking it up.

And that's a really really close-picture mindset. In all honesty, yeah, my schoolwork isn't all that great right now. I do plan on getting a 4.0, but I still feel like I could be doing much better. Day by day, I'm not doing too great.

Stepping back, though, things are going better. I'm taking decent care of my body. My bloodsugar levels used to be much better than they were at home. The past few weeks have been a little worse than usual, but I think I can get it back into swing. I've been doing more exercise up here than I was doing my senior year of high school. Thank you PE class and giant hill between me and campus. I'm learning how to cook and shop for myself. I've finally found the value of a clean room and a clean kitchen. I've started taking the garbage out without anybody telling me to. As life goes, I'm starting to be a useful roommate instead of an appreciated and loved parasite like I was at home.

I am moving towards graduation, as ridiculous as that sounds. I don't know what degree I'm doing to graduate with just yet, but I'm moving towards it. I'm knocking down some generals and learning some stuff. I'm more educated now than I ever have been before.

There's a lot that needs to be done. And I know that I'm not doing as well as I should be. But I'm not dead yet. And I'm not giving up.

I read Nate Cunningham's email to everybody from tonight. I haven't been reading them, but I decided to tonight, and it was really cool. He's way pumped up about everything in the MTC, it makes me happy. It got me all excited to go serve.

To be honest, that's something that I'm so happy about. Knowing that a mission is in my future gives me a lot to smile about. I feel so inadequate here. I'll be inadequate there, too, but that's an inadequate that I know how to fix. That's one of those things that I know is going to work out. It's a two-year investment that pretty much can't be the wrong thing to do. I know that that's what I'm supposed to do, and I know that everything is going to be so much better because I did it. It'll be incredibly hard work, but it's what I want to do. It won't magically change me into a better person, but I know that I'll become better through doing it. That's just a great plan, I gotta say.

so, I spent most of today pretty discouraged. But it's 2:24, and I'm feeling pretty encouraged. I'm really considering sluffing physics tomorrow. I sleep through it everyday anyways- what if I spend that hour doing work instead?

A final thought before I leave- As me and kyle walked out of the engineering building today I spotted a one-dollar-bill lying on the ground. I pointed it out to kyle, but I didn't pick it up. I didn't pick it up because I feel like money on the ground carries an incredibly large responsibility. Once you pick that up, your first task is to try to find out who it belongs to. Failing that, you have to do something incredible with it. My first thoughts are donate it to charity or use it to change the world. I couldn't really pocket that one dollar bill, because I wouldn't feel that good about it. I'd have to give it to something great or do something to help someone with it. It couldn't just be mine.

So, kyle picked it up, and we discussed this all the way home. I explained that I hadn't picked it up because of the great responsibility that I felt like it carried, and Kyle explained why he picked it up and why he's going to use it to pay for a haircut in a few weeks. We took the conversation pretty light and easy, having a lot of fun arguing back and forth. I had fun with it, and I hope I didn't make Kyle feel bad.

But the whole thing got me thinking. Kyle was sort of "given" that one dollar bill. From wherever, you decide. Be it divine intervention or whatever you want to call it, Kyle had a dollar bill bestowed upon him. I take that sort of seriously. When I have things bestowed upon me, I feel like I have a responsibility to make the most of it.

And I realized that I've got a lot of stuff bestowed upon me all the time. Fifteen minutes of free time that I've been "bestowed"- What am I going to do with that? A particularly good hair day- What about that one?

I don't live my life like that, but I start to wish that I did. I know that if I work harder, my life is going to get better on a lot of fronts. There's a lot of reasons for me to work to be great. Being great for the right reasons is pretty incredible. That's something that I want to be. That's something that I've forgotten. That's something that I just realized that I need to remember, that's good news :)

2:30, sounds like a great time to skeedaddle out of here and start some important study. Thanks for letting me write. That's code for "thanks for not leaving mean comments telling me to stop writing." Things are tough. For everyone. But I want to be better. And I'm going to work at it. I need it.

Happy Tuesday evening. I'm coming home this weekend, and I'm so excited about that. Much love, I'll catch you all later.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Nine

So, I'll admit- I'm a big sucker for cool slogans or inspirational lines. I really love athletic companies because they have such cool lines. Honestly.

Levi has a Nike poster hanging in his bedroom. It's got Steve Prefontaine running on a beach. In the bottom corner, very minimalist, is one line. "You know how far you have to go."

I haven't liked that line until tonight. I always thought it was a bit of a let down. Nike has always had good lines. This one didn't hit me like the other ones.

But I'm loving it tonight. I have a lot of questions in my life right now. I have a lot of goals and things that I want to do. Hopes and dreams, wishes, all those things that I'm trying to get.

And I'm looking at my life and realizing- I know how far I have to go.

I have no idea what the answers to my questions are. But I know that I can find them. And I pretty much know what I need to do to find those answers. In a very real way, I know how far I have to go. Those answers are out there for me. They're out there for you too, I think. They don't come without work. I like knowing that I can do work to find out what I want. That's reassuring.

I've got classes. I know how far I have to go to make things work. I can realistically pull a 4.0. It's not something I've really been planning on lately. But I can do it. I'm not saying I will. But if I do decide to do it, I know how far I have to go.

I just really love that line tonight. I feel it, I believe it. I know what I need to do to find out. I know what I need to do to find out *how* to find out.

I have no idea how to get from the beginning to the end. But somehow I know what I've got to do to get to the next step. I can see that far.

And I'll go. I don't know it all, but I know enough to get to the next step. I know how far I need to go. I love it.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Eight

3:47 AM - Must be calculus.

It's late, so I won't say too much tonight.

I want to remember more. One of my recurring fears here is that I never stay on one thing long enough to make any real progress. I get so excited about something and move towards it, and then I'll get distracted and stop. I'll get excited about something else and move forward with that.

I want to remember what has happened in the past. I'm talking the distant past, as well as what happened yesterday. I feel like my life is pretty fragmented. Blogging every day should help that, but if I don't do any real pondering about what happened in the past, it's not going to sink in. I need to actively think about it and wonder about it. This will take work.

So that's the goal for the week. Longer than that. That's the goal for my life- to remember. I have that fear that this will be something I'll forget. But this is what I want to work on. I believe in myself here. After all, I am the man for the job.

And, should I fail, I'll have another chance. That's good news.

What happened this week that was important? A good talk with a friend seems to be the most significant thing in my mind right now. Interesting that things I do for other people are more important than pretty much everything else. I should probably learn from that.

It's late, and my body has taken a beating tonight. Happy Sunday, friends. I hope this next week goes great for you. It's go time.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Seven

2:43 AM. Today has run the gamut of Christopher Thatcher statuses. I've played basketball and seen personal athletic accomplishment and smiles. I've been silly and joked with Andrew. I've felt a little sick and slept more than usual. I've been sloppy and ugly, and I've also gotten cleaned up and really liked my hair. I've been social and I've been a recluse. I've been a slacker and I've cleaned. I've disregarded the future and I've wondered and planned for what's coming up. I've been all over the place today.

I find myself with this fear, like I always do, that I change my mind and my direction the same way the wind plays and changes direction. I worry about that.

But I'm going to be alright. Even though I didn't move forward today in all the areas I feel like I should have, I did do some good things. Those things do count.

My thoughts tonight have been on sowing. I love that phrase, "Reap what you sow". It's very pungent and powerful to me. I've never done much planting or reaping, but it's something I've always been fascinated with. The very basic metaphor is just so earthy and real to me.

What did I sow today? I sowed a bit of physical health and achievement with basketball. I sowed some social friendshipping and spread a little bit of good will. I donated a dollar to the march of dimes, that's something. I did some sowing.

And beyond just today- I know that I'm doing some sowing just by being here. I'm learning a lot. It's not just academic. I'm learning how to live. More importantly, I'm learning so much about myself. I'm sowing what I hope will be a better living for myself and my family in the future. I'm sowing self-betterment, I hope.

There's a lot that I'd like to sow. But sowing is pretty hard. But it's worth it.

So I think that's my plan for this week. Sow. That's what I want to do. I want to be able to reap something when the time comes to reap. Hmmm, I like it.

No water update tonight, on account of me feeling like going to bed instead of staying up to write. But I am excited to write some more of it. Haha, look at me go.

Much love friends. I hope that things are well for you. I know that well is an adverb. And I know that I use it incorrectly. But I want to.

Goodnight everybody. My phone will be dead for a while. My charger isn't charging it, for whatever reasons. So hopefully by Monday it'll be better. But it's off for most of tomorrow. Please catch me online if you need or want to talk to me.

Okay, for reals, much love, and happy Saturday night. I'm off to do some high quality sowing before bed, actually. Good luck friends.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Six

3:04 AM - I've seen worse!

I went home last weekend and left my cell phone charger there. I knew my brother was driving up here on Friday, so I'd have it then. The plan was to make my cell battery last five days. It'd be like a mini-Hanukkah-style-adventure for me.

I kept my phone off for most of the daytime, and turned it on at night when I knew chances of getting texts from people would be higher. There were a couple times during the week when I turned it on between classes because I felt like it, and I'm very glad I did.

The moral of the story is that it's not Friday night at 3:06 AM, and my charger is out sitting on the counter. I haven't plugged my phone in yet, but it's still working off that first charge. I totally made it. I'm pretty happy with that.

I took the physics test today, and I'm very happy with how it went. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm feeling very comfortable with it. Jimbo did a good job explaining exactly what was going to be on the test, so I drilled those things down pretty tight, and it paid off. I know I missed a few points because I was missing a unit vector on one of the electric fields, but I'm hoping for very high 80's or low 90's. That'd be awesome.

I talked to some people I haven't talked to in a while tonight, and that was fun. I got to play a Free-for-all match with Dak and one of his buddies online tonight, and that was pretty sweet too. I'm not good at FFA matches, but I randomed zerg and pulled through in the end to win. I love playing against people. It's so much more rewarding than playing against computers. After we played we all talked politics and school and stuff for a while, which was actually really fun. Dak's another on of those guys that I really think is a stud. If proximity were different, I bet he'd be living with us right now. He's one of those guys that I think had he not gone to different schools, he'd be in the group. He's a good kid.

Not having the van has changed things a little bit. It's a lot harder to actually make it to the grocery store now. I know that we should find a good way around that, but we haven't yet. I'm honestly considering walking tomorrow. It's going to rain, yeah, but I need to hit the credit union anyways. All the cars that live in 36 are home for the weekend, so unless Katie wants to take me places, I might be on foot. It's not too bad though. It'll be bitter cold, but a little bit of cold and wet walking never hurt anyone but all those settlers on the plains.

So, I had a bit of an urge to write something tonight. So I did, haha. As a warning, it's more water. It's a new little section, though. I'm not trying to be professional here. I just sort of want to write something, so I'm going for it. I understand it's not "good" and that it's pretty stupid. I'm not trying to be good here. I'm doing it cause that's what I want to do. I'm not trying to compete with any of the talent out there, cause I know I'm way outclassed, and I like those folks too much to try to beat them at something anyways.

So, without further ado- the first part of a little storyline I want to follow.

The Ballad of Stan - Part One

Stan skidded and turned the corner into the spacious room, panting from the run. In the middle of the basement lecture hall stood the one man Stan was hunting.

Evil Jackson had been pacing nervously, listening to the sounds of battle above him. He was both the mastermind-behind and the key-to the plan that led to this afternoon's unfortunate skirmish. This position left him regretfully indispensable. He was the leader of these bad guys, and certainly one of their most feared combatants. He had been obliged, on account of his indispensable nature, to stay away from the battle in order to remain safe and ready to go through with the plan as soon as the opportunity presented itself, though. He would have much rather preferred to be clobbering good guys, but the team couldn't risk losing him at a time like this.

Looking up startled, he evaluated Stan quickly. The mission was too critical to be stopped now. They were so close to sealing the deal that would finally shift the balance of power into their hands. An intruder now could change everything. Evil Jackson could have finally met his match. He was surprised and relieved by what he saw.

Stan didn't strike fear into the hearts of those he contended against. Stan had gotten the short-end of the hero-ability-stick. He had been a social nothing before life as we all knew it changed, and he continued to be a social nothing right up until this brief moment in time. He wore a nice (but not that nice) polo and some jeans, not the standard issue cape of Saving Boston, the team fighting to save the world that day. He stood in the doorway like a kid unsure of where his next class was, not as the conquerer come to save the day from evil miscreants.

Evil Jackson knew he was more powerful than this intruder. As bad guys go, Evil Jackson was pretty powerful. Evil Jackson had gotten a pretty good ability stick, and he had certainly had ample opportunity to practice using that stick against good guys. Stan wasn't even a permanent member of Saving Boston, and Evil Jackson knew that Saving Boston would take pretty much anyone. Jackson's heart rate had spiked when he knew an intruder was breaching the room in order to foil the plot, but he settled down on seeing Stan. He had this in the bag. Still, he reminded himself, this kid had managed to make it past the defenses, he probably shouldn't let his guard down. Jackson tensed like a spring and waited to see what move this kid would pull, ready for anything.

Stan breathed a sigh of relief when he realized he'd found the right room. He smiled a big and innocent smile at Jackson, just like an old friend discovering the second half of a sandwich he thought he'd finished. Jackson didn't like being smiled at like a sandwich. He much preferred his enemies quaking with fear, or at least standing with some sort of defiance. Stan just looked happy to see him. Jackson dropped his guard for a minute. That move might have proved costly had Stan been anything more than a man looking for a metaphorical sandwich.

Beaming like a moron and walking down the aisle towards Jackson, Stan held out his hand for a good shake.

“I'm so glad to finally meet you, man. Today is going to work out just fine. Hi, I'm Stan, and you're going to finally make me worth something.”

~End first part

So, yeah. Happy Friday everybody. Looking forward to tomorrow a lot. I hope you're all doing well. Much love, and happy weekend. Hopefully I'll see some of you next weekend, score!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Five

3:08 AM.

I have a physics test tomorrow. I procrastinated getting ready for it until today, so it was a pretty stressful evening. I decided not to do my calc assignment, since the test is a lot more weighty right now. I'm going to take a 0 on that assignment, but that's the choice that I made. Nobody backed me into this corner but myself.

But I am feeling better about physics now than I was a few hours ago. I looked over some of the stuff that I know is going to be on the test, and I feel pretty good about it. I'm hoping to have some time between calc and physics tomorrow to go over some of that stuff, so that should be good. It'll be very interesting to see what I get. Wish me luck.

It's late, so I won't say much more. I would like to say that I miss how I used to work so hard at school. I used to do my very best at assignments just because I knew that was the right thing to do. I was all about excellence just for excellence's sake. I believed that if I worked harder, I'd learn more, and that if I learned more, I'd be a better person.

I do still believe those things, but my academic effort today wouldn't have shown it. You win some- you lose some.

Tomorrow's a new day. A new day with a physics test, sure, but a new day nonetheless. It should be good. I'm out~ Good luck friends, you're pretty cool.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Four

2:56 AM.

Okay, so I have an explanation. Me and Brad have been playing Star Wars Battlefront II for the last three hours. We've been waging a galactic war against each other for a couple of days now. There's a game type on there called galactic conquest. Each player starts with six or seven planets, and the map is sort of arranged like a chess or checkers board. You then move your fleet to attack their planets. When you do that, you start a normal battle like always, except that you can buy bonuses like a hero to fight with you or enhanced blasters.

Anyways, me and brad have been dead even for the past two days. I was actually holding a 7-6 lead to him. After tonight's marathon, Brad is leading 7-5. That's a big deal. He took out my main planet, Endor, and got a ton of credits for it. He's got about 2000 more credits, plus two more planets. He's in better striking position too. So, I'm sort of cornered. But I think I can make this work. I believe in myself. Chances are I'll keep you all posted.

So, yeah, didn't do any homework tonight. Surprise. But I'm not terribly dismayed by it.

I don't have class till noon tomorrow. And that class is recitation, so I *might* just stay home and study instead. My plan is to wake up at about 8:30 tomorrow and just start working on physics. I know that only gives me about five hours of sleep, but I think I can make it work. I took a nap today, and I think I can probably squeeze one in tomorrow too. I don't have any classes tomorrow that I can fall asleep in. It's sort of a crazy plan, but I think it could work. Of course, it's dependent upon me waking up tomorrow morning. I'm going to do my best.

It's funny how we value things. I didn't do any homework today, but because I did a few good things for my friends, I feel like it was a really successful day. Some things are just a lot more important than others. Homework is a big deal. Academic success is pretty crucial for me right now. I can't really afford to lose this scholarship. I really don't know what to expect right now. I think I'm doing well in all my classes, but I don't know how well. I don't have the slightest idea how grades are going to go down.

We're getting there, moving forward. I had a really good institute class today. I do love teaching the gospel. We had a lot of sharing today, and I just really love that.

It's funny how life goes. This delicate game that we all play. Sometimes I just have no idea what's gonna happen. But I know that things are going to work out. Sometimes I wonder if all the things I've invested time and energy into are going to pan out in the end. But I don't worry about that too much. Because no matter what happens with investments, I'm happy to be where I am because of what has happened. I don't think that anything could happen that would make me regret what has happened the past 18 years.

It used to be October 8th, and now it's sort of October 9th. Tomorrow I have a calc assignment to do and a beastly physics test to prepare for. Today was what it was, no questions about that. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be what tomorrow is. I sure hope that's a good thing.

This is Christopher Thatcher, boosting his google results by using my full name more often, and signing out for the night. I hope that you're all doing well.

On a lark, I'll link you to one comical picture. You know it's safe cause it's linked from my blog and not somewhere else. If you can't see why it's so hilarious, look in the bottom right hand corner at the signs on the wall. Goodnight friends, much love.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Three

Happy day three friends.

It's a little bit later than I want it to be, and so tonight will be pretty short. I was a pretty big slacker when it came to homework tonight, so I'm going to have to pay for it tomorrow by being tired and underprepared.

But it's alright, because I'm feeling pretty encouraged right now. I didn't do a great job on calculus tonight, but I enjoyed doing it. I'll have to take a much closer look at the next assignment. I think I can get it though.

I have a physics test on Friday. I got 88 percent or so on the last one, but I really want to get 100 on this one. I know that I can do it. I've got a lot of study and work to do to make it happen, but I think I can do it. I'm hoping to make flash-cards.

Tomorrow is a pretty big swing day when it comes to how the rest of the week will play out. If I do well tomorrow, I can make this week work out, even though I was a slacker today. If I'm a slacker tomorrow like I was today, my physics score will drop accordingly. It's an important day.

I need to do a better job eating. I do more grazing than eating. Grazing is a lot harder to handle when it comes to bloodsugar. Solid meals are much easier to take care of. I need to do better taking care of myself.

So, friends, this uneventful post is coming to an uneventful end. I do wonder what it would be like to take a few days off of blogging. I'm not saying I'm going to, but I'm sort of toying with the possibilities. I'm under no obligation to keep writing, and while I do certainly like what it's done for my life and for everything else, it might be interesting to take a few day hiatus. We'll see. If I do decide to take a break you'll know long in advance, cause that's how I roll.

James started a blog. Everyone's favorite commenter is now found at The good news is that since his blog is new, blogger gives you a warning to let you know that he might be a terrorist spammer of death before you actually go to his blog. James isn't a terrorist spammer, so it's okay to go visit him.

2:37 AM. I've got class in a little under seven hours. Still about 40 minutes left in my tonight before I fall asleep. Could be worse, and I brought it on myself. Alright friends, I'm out. Happy Tuesday evening. Good luck tomorrow- it ought to be a good day.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day Two

Day two - yes, we do take this stuff seriously.

Today was a good day in Logan. School was in session, and while I had my share of poor academic choices today, I still feel good about my efforts today. I talked with my family last night about my tentative plan to become a high school math teacher. Of the four people I was talking with, three of them are teachers. The other one is married to a teacher and used to be my boss. We talked about the advantages and disadvantages of pursuing a career in education. It was pretty enlightening, and very encouraging. They gave me some good advice as to how to proceed to find out if this is what I really want to do.

Today was a good day. But I feel more like talking about what my thoughts have been on today instead of what I did and didn't do today. So, I'll go for that.

What I wrote about last night was very important to me. I believed it then, and I still wholeheartedly believe it now. I see it as an important moment in my life. It joins the filing-cabinet of other very important moments in my life.

One of the really cool things about what happened last night is the trail that it left in my life. I'm able to look at what actually happened, and I'm able to look back in history and see a lot of the steps that needed to happen first in order for it to happen. Thanks to a lot of factors, I have a pretty good picture of the incredibly complex and well-orchestrated development of that life lesson.

There are only a very few events in my life that have left such a paper trail. One of the most significant is the way that I met one particular friend who became very important to me. I believe it was the summer betwixt eighth and ninth grade, and I made a choice to go somewhere I didn't particularly want to go that day but felt that I should. That choice changed a lot of things in my life.

I won't tell the whole story here, although I do feel it's a pretty good one. The point here is that there are some things in my life where I am able to look back at what's happened over a long period of time and see a specific moment being built up decision by decision. Without a very long line of preliminary parameters being met, those things just couldn't have happened.

There are two explanations that I can see that sort of explain that. The first explanation is that those moments were planned from the start, and that we've been moving towards them from the very beginning. The second possible explanation that I see is that these events are unplanned, but that they happen because of the choices that we've made. They wouldn't have happened had we not made the choices that we did in order to set up the scenario in the proper way, but they did happen since we did.

In general, I prefer a mix of the two options. I do believe that these moments and events in life are not just happenstance. But I also believe that they are brought about because we choose to move in that direction. It's a team effort here.

The moral of my story, I believe, is that a lot of things happen in life. A lot of very important things, actually. Sometimes I'm able to peer back in wonder and awe at the orchestration that actually let those things happen. A lot of pieces had to be moved to the right squares to make it work. I'm always amazed at how very complex those motions were. It's no simple task, making things like this happen. Trails are set in motion years in advance. This is pretty heavy business.

More often than not, though, I haven't seen the paper trail. Aside from the things I learned last night and meeting Hope, I don't know if there are any other things that I have really appreciated the paper trail on as much.

What's important, though, is that I know it was there. Even if I never saw it or appreciated it, I know that it was there. The decisions that I make do make a difference to what happens. That's heavy.

When I've thought back on situations and wondered, "what would have happened had I done X instead of Y?" I'm always a little bit worried. I don't like that possibility.

So there's a lot of paper trailing going on in my life right now. I don't see it. I didn't see any of it until I had felt so much about the lesson that I learned that I peered back. Until I learn a lesson or have an event, it's very difficult to see the paper trail that leads to it. But I know that it's happening.

And that means that I have to be pretty active when it comes to choosing what I'm going to do. If the choices that I made before led to the things that have happened so far, choices I make in the future will continue to build. I'm terrified of the history that could have been had I done different things. I don't know what the future is, but I don't want to miss something incredible.

I believe that the difference will be made for me in the very little things. When I feel like I should do something, that's a giant flashing neon sign saying that I should definitely do it. The future depends on it.

This makes me think of things that I should do. Some are long term, and some are very short term. But I do believe they're important. I'm going to get cracking on those.

Much love friends. Happy day two. Tomorrow is Tuesday, and I think that's pretty great news. It's also Tyrel's birthday, so you should all text him a happy birthday. I'm off to move forward. Good luck friends, thanks for being around.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Christopher Thatcher - Day One

My name is Christopher Thatcher, and I'm living my life.

Last night taught me a lot of things that I've been waiting to learn for a very long time. Things have changed a little bit since I last wrote, so I'm here to fill you in.

At 3:30 last night I was pacing the kitchen in my madrigal slippers. I was thinking about a mission and how close it was. I glanced up at the clock and saw that it was 3:30. I was filled with a reminiscent feeling and some comfort. I was home. Things were exactly the same way that they'd always been. I was where I'd always been, I was thinking the things that I'd always thought. It was a very familiar and comforting scene.

As I pondered that, I realized that my childhood is over. I don't live there anymore. I've accepted adult responsibilities and privileges. I won't find myself living at home for more than a few months here and there ever again. These feelings were significant because they were the first time I'd ever realized that my childhood was essentially over.

But I started remembering all the things I'd done there. At the house, in Taylorsville, in that kitchen, at that table, during my childhood. I remembered some of the good times and some of the bad times. I remembered the person that I had been while I was living at home.

A lot of things came together yesterday, and that thinking and writing and praying last night sort of capped it off. I realized something that is very important to me.

"I've been trying to change my life- but I'm already the man for the job"

I remember who I've been. I remember the things that I've accomplished and the people that I have loved. I remember the work that I did to become that person. I remember the people who taught and guided me along that path. I remember what was asked of me and what I faithfully supplied.

Last night I realized that that's the person that I want to be. More importantly, I realized that that's the person that I am.

This is a declaration of sorts. I am not a scumbag. I am a good person. I am capable of a lot. I want to do much good. I know who I am.

There are things that I need to change, yes. I am not perfect, and the struggles of my life are still present. But I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten to the point that I was trying to become someone else to make things work. And that is not the answer.

I know that I need help. But now I know that it's me that needs that help, not some other guy that I'm trying to become.

I've done hard things. I know where my strength comes from. As I rely on God, I can make it through this thing we call life.

This is the mound on which I wholeheartedly plant my flag. This is what I've been searching for. This is not the silver bullet that will take all my troubles away, but this is a crucial step towards progression. I believe that my life has been what it has been so that I can learn this lesson. I don't believe I'm finished learning- not this lesson and certainly not all the lessons.

But this is important.

Who am I? I'm Christopher Thatcher, and that's so incredibly important for me to know. Things are a little different now.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Fourteen

2:33 AM. Wouldn't trade the last hour for sleep, since I spent it talking with my brothers about good stuff. Could have cut out some starcraft tonight though.

Great day today though. Conference is something that I really need right now. Priesthood session made me feel so, clear-headed, I guess. It helped me understand things a lot better. It made me appreciate a lot of stuff, and helped me remember who I am and what I've got to do. I came home and wrote a lot of good stuff in my journal about it, and that makes me happy. I feel like I'm more capable of facing what's out there now. It was something that I needed.

I'm headed back up to Logan tomorrow. I'll probably be back down in another two weeks since we have that Friday off. I might sneak back next weekend to see All-State, but I haven't decided quite yet.

It's weird to come home and then leave so soon. I know it's just the way things work, but it all seems so fleeting.

It's pretty late, though, and I don't have a lot to say on top of the amazing things that have already been said today. My thoughts tonight are on making myself a better person and on going on a mission. That's somewhere in the neighborhood of eight months away. That's not that long. It's something that I'm really excited about. I know it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I'll ever feel prepared for it, but I'm going for it. That is one thing that does make me smile. I'm the man for the job. That means something special to me. There's a lot of history and learning behind that line.

Can I just say that I love history? I love the way that our lives work. I'm not entirely contented with the way my life is right now. I'm not always happy. I spend more time sad in this part of my life than I have in most other parts of my life. But on top of all that, I do know that things are going to be okay. And I do know that even if some things aren't great right now, they're going to turn out alright later. And I know that even if sometimes I suck, I know that I haven't always sucked. I appreciate the fact that what has happened before has helped me be where I am. And I appreciate that that stuff doesn't just vanish because I've gone off to school. The things I learned, the relationships I made, and the skills that were developed, that sticks around. That stuff doesn't put me on top of the world in Logan, and it doesn't give me the giant leg-up that it always gave me at home. But it's important. And it's in the toolbox. Nothing can really take that out of the toolbox. And because it's in there, I can do things I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I do appreciate history.

I sort of wish I was more spiritual on this blog. Almost everything I write has a spiritual basis here. I just never come out and say it. Why is that? Am I worried about offending people? Maybe it's time to just start offending them anyways. That stuff is important to me. Perhaps I'll become more bold as time goes on.

It is goal-setting time. My goal for this week: The day after I write a post, read it again. The same goes for my journal entries. I'm going to start doubling up and following my trail. This will probably change the way that I write a little bit. Subconsciously, of course. I don't know when I will read it all. I think it'd be ideal to do it in the morning. But we'll see. We've got time to experiment. I'm not putting any constraints down on it, other than to say that I will read it.

Today was excellent, because of conference. I'll share one line that I really loved from President Uchtdorf. "Stand close together, and lift where you stand." I love it. I think I'm putting it up on the fridge when I get back to Logan. Friends, I don't talk to you nearly enough. But I do care about you. And I am trying, for what it's worth. I think that there'll be a shindig at my place on the 17th, I hope. No promises yet, but somebody remind me when it gets closer. Okay, much love friends. I'll catch you all on the flipside. I hope you have a wonderfully uplifting sabbath.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Thirteen

1:11 AM - Weekend excuse, anyone? Is that twelve o'clock goal even still on the table? Let's be serious here. I certainly haven't been living my life like it is. I have done so much better at getting to bed. But that's not twelve. That's one or two instead of three or four. That's a big difference.

I'm at home tonight, and that makes me real happy. I haven't been home for about a month. I never really planned on going that long without coming home, but I guess it sort of worked out that way.

It's really good to be home, though. It's good to be with my parents and talk to them and joke with them a little bit. It's really cool to see how things around here have changed. It's only a month, and it's not a big deal, but the yard is doing well. Our tomato plants are finally bearing tomatoes (that means me and Andrew get to take some to Logan- Score!) and the pumpkin patch exploded. We have some seriously huge pumpkins growing. It makes me happy to see the old sandbox being so incredibly fertile.

I love that transformation. It was a sandbox for us kids for many years. Totally infertile. Once we were all more grown up and the swing-set gone, we started dumping our leaves from the tree and the clippings from the lawn in there in hopes of it going all mulchy composty. At the request of the kids, we tossed the pumpkin guts and seeds out there from last time we carved. Dad borrowed a tiller this spring and tilled the whole thing up.

Flash forward a few months and we have the biggest residential pumpkin patch I've ever seen. Okay, so it's not like, huge, but it's big. Takes up almost all of the sand box. And spills over several feet onto the lawn in every direction. It just makes me happy to see it happen, that's all.

Mom and Dad started a tiny remodeling project in the house too. They're just changing the way our entry-way works a bit. Taking out the two closets that used to be there and making it a lot wider. We're gonna put the piano out front in the entry way (I know, I know...). It'll be pretty good though. It's a nice change, at least.

A few thoughts. Nuggets, I suppose.

I'm very excited for conference tomorrow and Sunday. College has been very good at a lot of things. One of those things has been breaking me down a little bit. I know I really need some help, and I'm excited to get some good instruction. That stuff is good for you.

I watched the fourth quarter of the Utah State v. BYU game tonight. Can I just say that I'm incredibly proud of my Aggies? That was an incredible quarter. Two touchdowns. They sacked Max Hall, AND made them punt it away after gaining almost nothing that one time. If we forget the bogus penalty call, they got their sweetly kicked offside-kick back. Neglect one more penalty call, and they scored maybe a third time. And did anyone see that INCREDIBLE QB keeper where he got 18 yards for the first down? He was shakin' and bakin' like nobody's business. It made me proud.

So, yeah, we lost. I wouldn't have it any other way against BYU. But we played well. And we played our hearts out. Fight to the very very end, even though we know we're out. That was a GREAT moral victory for the Aggies. That one makes me really happy. It's really hard not to be happy for those guys right now.

This is actually the first time I've consciously used "we" when referring to Utah State sports. Look at me go, being proud of my team.

I had some important thoughts last night after I posted. I went to bed pretty late, since I had taken naps. I don't like what naps do to the next day, but I love the effect they have on late night. I'm awake and pensive, and I just really value that time.

Anyways, I thought about community. Specifically, I knew I was coming home, and I thought about my ward. I won't be visiting my ward this week because of conference, but I remember how much they care about me and want me to succeed. I've been in the ward my whole life, and because of the demographics, I'm fairly well known there. That's just the way wards work. I thought about coming back and telling all the families and people about how I've been doing, what I've been accomplishing, and where I'm headed in the future. I thought about them smiling and encouraging me. I remembered a lot of the good things they've done for me to bring me to where I am. All the scout leaders, teachers, priesthood leaders- that's a whole lot of service rendered in order to help me become something great. It was a nice thing to remember. It was a very "home-y" feeling.

It really made me want to work hard, though. Remembering that all those people realy cared about me. They want me to succeed. Not only that, but they've got a vested interest in my success. They've been a part of my development. They've helped me become who I am, so why shouldn't they be rooting for my success? I didn't want to let them down. And I still don't want to let them down. And that same level of thought came my friends. Kirt, Kasey, Jose, Jared. They care about me too. I have a reason to try to be excellent. It's not just for me.

Thinking about all of this makes me remember all the older guys I used to run with. Noaksey, Porter, Clements, Whiting. I think Whiting is actually home now. But I remember those guys. I remember that they helped me. They cared too. And that makes me want to do better.

It's interesting how very strong that feels to me right now. I think it's interesting because I haven't thought about those people for a very long time. I haven't thought about living my life for other people for a while. I'm conscious of those around me, don't get me wrong. I try to serve, and I recognize that I'm not here just for me. But the idea of being excellent because it'll make other people smile, that's something I haven't thought of for some time. It's been there- it's not entirely new. But that's something I should hold on to.

This feeling contrasts with something I felt tonight. Something I've felt a lot, actually. I sort of hate discovering other people's blogs. I'm always very excited about it, but I'm secretly always threatened when I find them. Sophomore year was a bit of a blow when I discovered Jaron's blog. I found this kid that thought just as much as I did, and he wrote a little better too. Here he was, doing something that I did, and he was doing it well. I'm always a tiny bit upset when I see people write about how awesome they're doing with their life. How they're learning things about themselves and how they're moving forward.

This is not a calculated response, and it's not something I want to do. It's a sign of immaturity and insecurity. Now, mind you, this isn't some huge thing. And when it happens I fight it. But I do want to change it.

It's interesting because that's the exact opposite response as compared to the community or ward effect. With the community effect, people want you to succeed, they're on your side- just because they care about you. With the immaturity effect, I sorta want people not to, because that somehow threatens me.

Obviously everything points against the immaturity effect. Rightly so- it's a load of tosh. That's just something I want to root out of me. I do care about people. I care about a lot of people. And I am so happy for them when they succeed. My example from earlier, Jaron, is one of my favorite people ever now. I'm behind him one hundred percent. I would love to see him succeed, truly. So I know that I'm not a dirtbag all the time. I know that it changes. But what makes it change? How do I stop being threatened and start caring about people? How do I start loving people just for being people? How do I gain the maturity to be okay with not being the absolute best?

Some important stuff happened last night. I felt something very important as I was lying there getting ready for bed. Not a new feeling, but something that I hadn't felt just like that for a very long time. It came to me by surprise. When it came I felt like walls inside of my chest came down and relaxed. I felt like I had physically and mentally and spiritually changed by what I had felt. I didn't feel like I was suddenly a new person, but I felt like I had a little bit more. As some topics go, this isn't exactly the place to be discussing it. But it's out there if someone wants to talk about it, you know how to reach me. It was good for me.

What does it mean to be a good person? "What is the good life, and how do we live it?" What does it take to change my life? What does it take to change me into someone better? Who do I want to be? Who am I? What does that mean?

I've had a desire lately to start reading my blog posts and journal entries from the previous night before I leave the apartment in the morning to work. I think that'd be a pretty good idea. I've never done that before. I sort of wish I was a morning person.

But now it's time for me to end this post. Molly gave me a shout-out on her post tonight. Someone remind me to give her a shout-out from here soon. I've got one stored up for her, and it's actually pretty important. But I don't think it fits with tonight so I'll save it for later. Maybe if I wait long enough I'll tell her in person. But probably not, cause it fits a lot better here than it does in person.

What do I know? Whatever it is that I do know, I've got a responsibility to myself and to others to go use it to make myself and my world better. Bringing it together is important.

This is Christopher Thatcher, signing on out. Happy Friday, friends. Happy life. I hope you're doing excellent. Good luck on your quests. I do want you to succeed. I do care about you. Much love~