Sunday, January 21, 2007

Post 198 - January 20, 2007

Welcome to another off-night. I've spoken of these before. They are the nights when I'm not my usual self because of the stuff that's going on inside of me. I don't understand them, but I think that's the point.

So here goes another one. A monument to the insides of me on January 20th, 2007. I know that tomorrow's insides are going to be fine. Me and them, we're gonna laugh and smile and play and dream about what's coming up. Things are going to be normal tomorrow. They aren't tonight; that's not a bad thing.

It's just a different thing, that's all.

Maybe I don't need to write tonight. Maybe things are alright. I wonder about that; it seems like a little bit of a let down. Really, I know full well how different things are tonight. That always makes for an interesting journey of self discovery that is of great value in the future.

I don't know how I feel about these semi-colons. Mr Harward taught me about my abuse of comma splices. I loved the way that it sounded; it just wasn't correct grammar. So now it's fixed, and whenever I would have put a comma splice before I just put a semi-colon and things work great.

But it presents a problem- one that I don't really like. I regard semi-colons as something marvelous and useful. As such, they deserve to be used rarely. The over-use and repetition of something glorious in writing leads to its devaluation.

And so yeah, it's grammatically correct. But c'mon, I don't want to rip off the semi colon. So what's the choice gonna be? Write in good form, or respect the semi colon? I'm not sure; we'll see what happens.

I have a slight head ache. Curious, because I never have head aches. Interesting, eh?

It all goes back to lessons I've learned. Tonight's peculiar, and I believe that it's peculiar for a reason. The trouble is that I can't figure out why it's so peculiar. What message am I supposed to be getting? What have I missed today? Where's the missing piece?

Because honestly, it's got to be out there. I know there's a message- a lesson, a moral, anything- out there.

I want to take a drive. I wouldn't mind driving to Logan right now. That's how I got a lot of my driver's ed hours in so I could get my license; driving to and from Logan. Andrew and Nathan were up there at school, so we always had an excuse to head up there. It was hard to sit for that long, and being a new driver it was a very very long drive for me. I had trouble staying awake and alert the one time, but I did alright.

I don't know why, a drive just sounds like the thing to do right now.

Of course, I'm not going to go on a drive. Tomorrow morning's insides aren't going to want to go to Logan. But hey, this isn't a monument to tomorrow, it's a monument to today.

What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Is this really what's out there? What about every other night? What about the adventures, and the quests, what about all of that? What about Ultimate? Ultimate doesn't fit into tonight.

Maybe that's it.

Yeah, I think it is.

Things are going to be ok.

That's one thing I can learn from tonight, because I have no idea what's going to happen, but I know that things are going to work out.

I don't know what Monday has in store for me. I don't know if I'm going to like my new schedule, I'm going to miss my friends. I don't know what's going to happen when I grow up. Where I'll live, how life will be, I have no idea. I don't know about the social situation.

That's the moral of the story. I honestly don't know what to do about some stuff, and that's ok.

I think that there was somebody I was supposed to talk to tonight that I didn't. We passed a few friendly words around, but not as deep as it needed to be. If that was you, sorry about that, I was sorta wrapped up in my own confusion.

Bravery, that's one step.

It's now 1:10, and I'm going to retire to bed. Monument to today's insides, eh? And already I want to take it down.

Here's to you, consecutive integers.

Here's to you, contrast.

Here's to you, hindsight.

Here's to you, conservation of Messenger happiness.

Here's to you, wonder.

Here's to you, off-nights.

I'm glad that I get to feel like this every once in a while. I hope that you're all doing well. I hope that you're all working hard and moving forward. I'm really going to miss my history and math classes. Leaving communities is a hard thing to do. You get attached and don't realize it. We're all in it together; we're all learning and growing in the same boat. We're subjected to the same treatment- we combat it as one. I'm going to miss my compatriots.

It's funny, the leaving communities business. I might have written about this before. I miss the guys from downstairs at mcdougal's. I miss mama weeks, me and her haven't had occasion to have much small talk for a while.

Things are going to be ok. We're moving along. Gears are in motion, my life is progressing. There's work to be done. I want so badly to make a difference. That's what I want to do.

Smile, things are going to be ok.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

:-) yeah

Fridgecrisis said...

I know how you feel :)

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you were talking about me? I guess I can only hope, but i'll never know...