Saturday, March 29, 2008

Shining Night

Sure on this shining night
Of starmade shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.

The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.

Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand'ring far

Of shadows on the stars.

-Sure on this Shining Night, James Agee


Life has been different for a long time. All of March, I think. Maybe it's only been a week, maybe it's been longer. At least 10 days. I'm terrible at determining lengths of time. Maybe that means that I'm just great at living in the present. But I don't necessarily feel like that. The important thing to note is that things aren't like they usually are.

It's Friday night, 12:58 AM. My window is open a little bit, but none of that awesome night air is coming in. I walked around outside a bit this evening. Life smells really good right next to a tree in early spring. Trees smell like summer evenings. Summer evenings smell care-free and progressive. I could go for a summer evening right about now.

I feel like I've lost volumes of text over this past month. There have been several days when I've had so much to write about and talk about and spill, but it never really happened. Some of those thoughts remain, but others are gone, presumably forever. Perhaps it's a tragedy, and perhaps it's good fortune. I view it as tragedy. Should every important thought I have be written? Obviously such a thing can't be realistic, but I think the important ones bear some necessity to be recorded. I've lost some important thoughts. Hmm.

I've been loving "Sure on this Shining Night" today. The Lauridsen arrangement, not the Barber. It's just so very close and intimate I feel.

As I drove home from my final adventure of last night, I wanted to hear someone begin narrating from behind me. It felt like the end of an episode of heroes, and I would have killed for some insight from Mohinder. As cryptic as I know it would be, it would have felt good to have it there.

It's like I'm taking big steps here. Some are reactionary, some are very premeditated, and others simply happen because nothing else happened in their place.

I haven't been as happy lately as usual. Not as satisfied or fulfilled, that's for sure. This changes things for me. I have some theories as to why. My personal study time has been reduced, which is pretty bogus. I'm not pulling March Madness off as I should. I'm about four days behind, I think. Most reading this month has been after 2 AM, it feels. I've found a few ways to stay awake so I can keep going, but it's not as healthy or as beneficial as I'd like. My personal journaling has gone way down. At least seven days this past month have been "Good day, super tired. G'night." Probably more than seven. I have not been working out the way I'd like to. By that, I mean that I haven't been working out. I haven't been running this month.

On the upside, my bloodsugar has been much better than the previous month. I also just nailed another 4.0. That means I'm 15 for 15 so far. Only one more term to go.

Now, I don't toss this list up here to complain, as complaining is not in my nature. I put it up here to illustrate the point that I have not been living my life the way I wish I was.

I don't say, "I'm not living my life the way I want to," because I don't want to misrepresent the shadowy and nether regions of me. There are parts of me that want one thing, parts of me that want other things. Out of respect for the parts of me that are discordant, I cannot strictly say that I wish things were a certain way.

That's how life is, for me. It's not one thing. I think we're all sort of like an electron. We can get a good idea of where we might be. We can figure out, to an extent, where we won't be. But when it comes to graphing our position, we're always going to end up with a fuzzy line. It's impossible to determine the velocity or location, because everything we do to try to figure it out ends up altering them.

I think I'm like that. It's a complex character versus a simple character thing. I am not a robot.

There was a model I thought of a few weeks ago, about goals. I realized that I could split every one of my goals into three parts. I could split them into What I've declared that I'm working towards, What I'm actually working towards, and what I wish I was working and moving towards.

For example, let's look at my financial goals. What have I declared that I'm working for? I say, "I'd like to make a really decent living so I can support myself and my family." What am I actually working for? "I'd like to be filthy, filthy rich." And, finally, what do I wish I was working for? "I'd like to be wealthy so that I could support my family and myself, as well as have the resources necessary to make the world a better place. I'd like to help further education and opportunities for those around me. I want to pull a Carnegie."

This isn't what's important right now.

What if I wanted to be the same, all the time? That sounds bad, but I think that's one thing that concerns me a lot. I know that I'm me, all the time. I'm not dissociative. But it goes back to how I define my worth. And how I define who I am. When did I start being me?

Last night at the basketball game I was all over the place. I was loud and enthusiastic and happy for everybody in the entire building. I was euphoric.

And now I'm here. Happier than I have been the whole rest of the day. I feel good, but in a very different way than I felt good last night. At school, I do what I do. At home, I do what I do. I do different things between the two of those. I work on different things, and I feel differently about some things. I value things at school differently than I value things at home.

And I don't want to paint myself as some two-faced monster, because I don't think I am. I don't think that any of this is intentional. I don't think I'm a bad person at school or at home. I don't think that I'm always different. I just know that I'm not always constant.

And I know that I can't always be constant. I am not a simple character. Nobody is.

Blogging is a form of therapy for me. There are other things that fill the need that blogging fills. There are things that work better than blogging. I have one of those things right now. So, friends, good night. Thanks for being there.

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