Logan Blogaday - Day Two

Hey friends, merry Wednesday. Here I am, day two, blogging from my very own bed. I'm on Levi's computer tonight, because he has an easier password to memorize. James' is forever long, so there's not a chance I can remember it. They're both asleep, and they don't mind me using it at all. But still, I'd much rather be sitting at my own computer. I'm thinking I might swing by best buy or something and invest in a cheap wireless card so I can pick up what little connection there is here until we get something solid piped in. Not sure if I will though. If it's cheap, it might be worth it. We'll see. In the meantime, I'll just hork the twins' lappies, it's all good.

Okay, back to my desk, cause the bed thing wasn't working out so well.

At this point in the post I'm very excited to introduce a new feature. Ladies and gentlemen, meet "progresso soup daily update!"!!!


/thunderous applause

So, mom and I got like, five cans of progresso soup yesterday for me to eat this week. We decided to purchase five different varieties, so I could find out what is good and what makes me want to go "buh". I realized that I couldn't possibly remember all the progresso soups I'd had by the time I go shopping next week, so I came up with this brilliant plan. Every day that I have a new progresso soup, I'll review it here! That way I have a written record of what I like, and you all get the satisfaction of knowing that you're a valuable part of my dietary lifestyle these days. It's a win win situation for all of us.

Today's progresso variety was Italian-Style Wedding. I microwaved it in two separate batches since my bowl wasn't big enough for the whole can. About two minutes and thirty seconds was good enough for a half-can. I put a plate over the open bowl in the microwave, and it was a good thing I did, because the bottom of the plate had splashed soup all over it. Apparently soup likes to jump out and get everywhere when you microwave it. Penning it in is always a good idea.

The Italian-Style Wedding tasted great. Meatbals, carrots, and spinach in chicken broth is what the words on the label say, but I definitely detected some pasta-like business going on in there. A close-up of the label clearly shows what I'm talking about.

Aside from the deceit and deception that their text provided, I had no complaints with the soup. On the Christopher Thatcher Progresso Soup Deliciousness Scale, Italian-Style Wedding earns 3.5 stars out of five. The taste was very pleasant, and the presence of meatballs was a needed diversion from my hitherto unintentionally meatless college diet. And at only 70 percent of my suggested daily sodium intake, this soup was a nutritional steal!

Will I be purchasing Italian-Style Wedding again? You bet your sweet kool-aid that I will. I didn't fall in love with the soup, but I feel the same way about it as I do about Great Britain. They're not my favorite soup in the world, but I'd still rather see them get medals than China.

/End Progresso Soup Daily Update!

We played some ultimate during lunch today on the Quad with anybody that wanted to play with us. We had about 20 guys at one point, and since it was just really open, we played 10 v 10. I counted everybody off by ones and twos to split up teams. Numbers once again proved to be my long-time friend and lover by placing me, kyle, and brad on the same team. We spent the first half of lunch trading something like six of our own points for one of theirs, that was cool. They started playing a lot better once they got an infusion of latecomers, but we still came out on top we figure. It was sweet to see so many people who came by to join the game, there was a lot of interest. Brad saw it as a very valuable recruiting experience. The six guys in this apartment are all super excited about playing intramurals, but we need a few more guys to round out the team and give us the required seven plus a few subs. We took some mental notes on who played well and we got a phone number of one of the guys. We might play tomorrow, depending on how things go, and see if some of the same guys show up.

That's one thing that I'm super happy about. I don't have to make ultimate work here. We're not building something from scratch- I don't have to convince anybody to join my stupid club ;) . I can just focus on building myself as a player and helping my team get better. We've been talking, and we're definitely going to sign up for intramurals. Like I said, we need a few more guys, but we have a pretty solid team with our core right here. Me and Andrew are very balanced players, Kyle's a sweet handler and knows the game very well, probably better than any of the rest of us. Brad is just amazing, specializing in handles and living in the sky, with an emphasis on ridiculous break-aways when nobody is watching. James is a defensive brick wall, and Levi is tall, fast, and pretends to jump sorta high. Keys to success will be me and Andrew finally emphasizing in something, as well as us picking up one more athletic jumper to hold down the back-field defense.

I know that nobody else is as excited about Ultimate as I am, but I certainly like it. I know that this is just a phase, and that I won't be as excited about it in the near future, but for now, I'm going to ride this wave. I'm very excited for intramurals, it's going to be incredible. I think it'll be good for me too. Exercise and recreation is something that keeps every part of me pretty healthy- I like it.

Today was my first day of connections. It's an orientation sort of deal, but it's not too bad. I figure that most of what I learn from this week won't really mean too much to me for a while. I know that sounds super bad, but I have no idea what problems I'm going to run into as a college student. None of this bears any real application to me until I start running into stuff that requires me to use whatever cool university resources they talked to me about. So, I'm down with being here, that's cool. I just start to wonder if stuff like this wouldn't be more effective if they did it like, two weeks into class. It's not a possibility, and I know that, but sometimes things mean a lot more when you've been looking for an answer.

I mean, two weeks of suffering through something saying to yourself, "Alas, where are the band-aids?" and then having someone say that the band-aids are in the health and wellness center means more to me than just having them say that they're in the wellness center. That was a run on sentence.

This post is becoming long. But I don't feel like this post has the personal value and discovery that really justifies me writing a long post. So I think I'm going to wrap it up soon. Thanks for everything friends. I know I don't show it too often, but I appreciate the help. It's easier to get up and work hard when you know that people care about how you're doing. I want to be great for myself, but I want to be great because of you guys too. I hope that you're doing well. I know I'm limited on communication, but if you're ever lonely and need a talk, and this goes for anyone out there, feel free to toss me a text or email- I'll be friendly. Have a great night friends, happy blogaday day two.

Stat Summary/Review: Classes went well today. I was on time to everything required. We played Ultimate at lunch, and that was sweet. I had three decent meals today. Fruit intake was two bananas plus some mixed fruit at lunch. Vegetable intake was zero plus coincidental consumption from the soup. Water consumption was over one gallon, although signs still point to dehydration- probably caused by of two bouts of Ultimate, one of them in jeans, plus the incredible sodium intake. For those that are interested, my average bloodsugar on the day was 148.2, with my two week average showing as 156. Total operating sleep time was an estimated 5+1.5, coming to a total of six and a half. Current time is 1:05 AM, with a projected bed time of 2:00 and wake time of 7:40.

Logan Blogaday - Day One

Hey, welcome to blogaday day one. I said I'd do it, and here I am. Hooblay!

So, I'm here in Logan. I'm writing this on James' lappy because he's got a wireless connection and mine certainly doesn't. The connection that the apartment complex provides for us is bunk, but it's all good. It works for what we need to do for now. Well, at least for me. I can post, and that's what I care about right now. I'll still check my email every day, and I'll still get texts for certain.

Posting from the lappy at 11 PM is a whole lot different from posting from my nice and secure Stallion. I've noted before that I usually post late at night when it seems like the whole world is asleep but me. I get all super-focused and absorbed, it's really nice. This is a lot different here. There are four other guys running around the apartment. This isn't my computer. It's cool, certainly, but it's an entirely different animal. So, we'll see how that works out, yeah?

It's weird to be running around meeting people and stuff like that. I'm so new here. I've never really been *entirely* new somewhere before. I've always had some foot in the door. Someone knew my brothers, someone had heard of me, recommended me from a friend, something like that. Granted, a few people around here know my brother, but I haven't met any of them yet. I'm trying to remind myself that everybody else is moving in here today too, so they're new as well. A fair number of people are returning here from last year or so, so they're not as new, but it's still the way things go. It's been cool to meet people. I haven't *met* that many folks yet, but I've said hi to pretty much everyone I've met.

So, just played some smash brothers with the boys. Good times.

I don't have a ton going on tonight. Not too much to say. I had some really deep thoughts last night. Hopefully thoughts that I'll come back to another day.

But I'm operating on borrowed time on a borrowed laptop, so I should probably call it a night. Tonight's post exists mostly to prove that I'm actually here, doing this blogaday that I warned you about. I hope that you're all doing well. Good luck in your endeavors. Tomorrow is my first official day on my own. Granted, it's subsidized by the federal government and my kind parents, but hey, give me a break ;)

Here I go, trying to do something I've never done before. Wish me luck!

Bigfoot

So, there's all this bigfoot news and whatnot going around. After the press conference today, pretty much everybody is happy to say that it's all been bunk.

And that makes a lot of sense. I'm happy with the conclusion that the two georgians and the slimy other dude are just bs'ing the whole thing. I can accept that.

And I've never been a huge bigfoot fan or anything. But I've become more interested this week, like every other nerd in the country.

So, yeah, I'm calling it, no real bigfoot. But it's a pity, because I think it'd be pretty sweet to actually have found a bigfoot. I know I'm a bigfoot noob and all that, but still. Wouldn't it be cool? It's just something that sorta fascinates me. The idea of finding a creature that's been thought about for so long. It's like a nerd's dream come true. That's the kind of stuff that brings people together! Who needs olympics when you've got a bigfoot on your hand?

But alas, tis not so. Do I believe in bigfoot? You know, maybe. Not to steal any taglines or anything, but,

"I want to believe!"

Over There

August 12, 2008. Technically it's the 13th of August, since it's late enough. But you know I don't buy into all that nonsense. Sure, it makes the calendars run, but I'm still functioning on Tuesday. So I'm calling it Tuesday.

I don't have a ton to say right now. I'm not overflowing with ideas of emotions like I was the last few times. I do want to say, however, how much I really and truly appreciate all the comments I received on my last post. It always makes me feel good. I know it's sort of one of those shallow things, you know, feeling good because of an outward display that someone else gave- but it's still a big deal to me. I really appreciate the comments.

Life has an interesting way of moving forward. I am not where I was three months ago. This summer has been unique in a million ways. It was not what I expected. I don't regret what has happened. I understand, of course, that I have performed poorly in a few things, and that my growth has been slowed by that. Off the top of my head, I'm terrible at coming to work. I miss a few hours every day because I sleep in. I'm working in an environment where that's acceptable, but it has certainly hindered my progression. I'm not complaining, but I'm just pointing out the fact that it's less than optimal. It is the past. If I were to go back, I'd like to change that.

I just got done talking with Jason. Jason's one of those people in my life that I like a lot more than I have any real reason to. Or, maybe that's not it, since I have a ton of material to back Jason up with. He's one of those guys that I've been through a lot with. And even though he hasn't been in the core group of people I've hung out with for the past couple years, he still ranks super high on my list of people I respect.

He's sort of, disproportionately admired, if that makes sense. One of those fellows I don't hang out with or even talk to too often, but when I do, I'm just happy to be talking with them cause they're so dang cool. There's a couple of people like that in my life. Jaron's one of them (ha, good for you Jaron, since I know you're reading). I was going to actually write a tribute to Jaron earlier this summer. I might still do it, we'll have to see.

Moral of the story? I really had a great time talking with Jason tonight. I feel refreshed, and ready to go face the world. I wanna go overachieve.

And so I'm announcing that plan that I talked about in my last post but didn't announce. It's sort of a big deal to me.

31 day blogaday. August 19th to September 19th. Astute readers will immediately notice a few pertinent facts about the date range. That's the first month of my college life. Day one to day 31. It's also about 1000% more postage than I've done this summer. Recent trends in my blogging behavior wouldn't suggest that I'd be able to make it happen, but I believe in it.

See, blogging teaches me about myself. It's a tool for me to discover and learn and then to make it stick. I think that that's why I'm going to college, to learn and to grow. This is a way for me to do that. It's like taking a sandwich that's already great and then making it even greater by throwing some tomatoes on it. Yeah, college is going to teach me stuff, but blogging is going to help me learn more about it and about myself. And it's going to help me make it stick. Yes, this is going to be good for me.

So, 31 days. One month. That's the biggest blogaday I've ever undertaken. I've done a week before, I think twice. I did the 20 day blogaday marathon, which was so intense. This time around I'm shooting even higher. Do you realize that that's a twelfth of a year? That's huge. That's monumental. Ha, monumental means more to me since my last post, isn't that cool?

So, that's the plan. I hope you're happy and not upset about the decision. Thirty-one days is a very long time to blog without losing a day. So, comments are always appreciated, as always. In addition, if there's something you'd like to see a post about, feel free to make a request, and I'd love to address it. I don't think that I'll make a post strictly dedicated to that topic, but I'd really love to talk about it for a while.

Jason told me that I should do a reader request feature, so here I am. Even before blogaday, if there's something you'd like to see, I'm leaving it open in the comments here. I'll do my very best to address it. I don't really expect anything from this, but I'm leaving the offer on the table. I do love my community, as you know.

So that's the good news of the evening. Thirty-one day blogaday, I'm really just excited about it. If anyone is interested in taking the challenge and doing the 31 day marathon with me, I'd love to have a blogging buddy or two (or three, or several). It'd be a great way for us to kick off our distributed college experiences.

It's something that I'm committed to doing. I know it'll be incredibly difficult. The first couple days I might even have to blog from campus, since it'll take a bit to get the apartment hooked up with a good connection. But it's cool, I'm going to do it. I'm not sure what'll come out, but I'm excited about it. Hey, we'll take it as it comes, like we always have, right?

So, yeah. Blogaday is coming. And requests are open, if you'd like to request something. Anything else on the docket? Nah, just that I want to work harder. I want to move forward with life. It seems I've been having trouble with that lately. I just need to, you know, do it. I don't like pop culture, and I hate to use a popular term that I don't know much about, but I'm loving the "do work" idea. There's truth there, I like it.

For a post that was very limited on deep thoughts and heavy on announcements, this is pretty much the end. I hope things are going well for you all. I think we all need some help. And I think we all have a lot of help we can give each other. So, let's do it, right?

Moving Forward

Hey friends, happy Friday evening. I'm sitting downstairs in the office in my cross country sweats. It's too hot for them, but I'm doing alright. I just ate a square of raw ramen noodles, and it was delicious. I've been texting a few friends, and my gallon of magic water is sitting on the floor next to my chair, just waiting for me to drink from it again. There are a few papers on the desk, all of them a little crinkled and covered in doodles and notes for work. My PLC hat is upside down next to the spindle of CD-Rs. The four-year-plans for every engineering degree at Utah State are all sitting on top of the over-sized desk speaker. The bulky avaya phoneset is towering over my sleek black cell phone that just recieved a text from somebody I want to talk to. The cell is sitting on a pile of mail I got- a credit card application. The mail is sitting next to an empty saucer which held key-lime pie a few hours ago. There are three packets of fruitsnacks on the desk, as well as two daily to-do lists. One is crumpled up with a whole in it because I get bored at work sometimes. It was a marginally successful day. The other is in pristine condition, with 10 to-do's, all crossed out in bold sharpie. There are a few notes scribbled on it for work, and a little "100" circled at the top of the page to show how happy I was with getting things done. My big headphones are just to the right of my wireless mouse, sitting near Kyle's copy of Starwars: Knights of the Old Republic II, which I installed but haven't played yet and probably won't.

No, I'm not Jaron or Nick, but sometimes I do just like to describe things on my desk.

So, you remember graduation? I clapped the loudest for Santy. At least I think I did. I wanted to. Looking back, I hope I did. You wanna know why? Because I'm proud of him for graduating. Because for him it was actually sort of a big deal. It wasn't just one of those things that just happened for him. He had to work for it. And I admire that. Graduation means a lot to Santy, and I was very happy for him. Amidst a sea of hundreds and hundreds of names being read that didn't mean a thing to me, I was genuinely happy to hear Santy's name. All feelings of "this is taking so long..." and "congratulations, faceless graduate #304..." were gone for a few moments as I basked in Santy's accomplishment.

I don't bring that up for any specific reason, other than to point out that there's an interesting nook of personality that most of us seem to have. I love the underdog, always, and accomplishments always mean more when someone has to work for them. Regardless of the actual value of the accomplishment, when someone worked for it, I'm happy for them. Of course, It really helps that I care about Santy as a person and as a friend, and that I'm interested in his journey through life. I just find that contrast interesting, though. I was happy for Kyle to graduate because it marked a transition for him. It was a step towards the rest of his life. I was happy for Santy because of his accomplishment. Even though his accomplishment was the exact same as Kyle's, it bore more weight in my heart than Kyle's. Interesting that our relationships in life have a tendency to throw the absolute value system out the window. Fortunate, clearly, but interesting nonetheless.

I didn't come here to write about Santy's graduation. But a text I recieved made me think of it, so I decided to run with it. I'm in the business of running with ideas when I'm writing. Even if they're a bit tangential.

I think that's one interesting (do you notice that everything is interesting when I write? Reminds me of what Jaron said- maybe my eyes are smoldering too...) thing that has developed with my blogging. Regardless (I also use regardless a lot. I'll explain that later though...) of my frequency in writing, it seems that when I do write, I just let it take me. I do usually come with a vague idea of what I want to say, but it usually doesn't show up. More often, I come to write because I feel a need or desire to write, not because I have anything specific to say. I come, and I write about what comes to me.

I think that this has developed for a few reasons. I've always believed that truth is the absolute defense. I also believe that truth, by its very nature, makes us happy. That is one of the main goals of this blog, and has been since sophomore year, I think. I feel like the things that I talk about tend to be about truth. Or, at least about my pursuit of truth. They're usually about understanding myself and others. I think that's something that we don't generally get to study, and I think it's something that's important. But, if I can offer bits of truth for myself or for others through this discursive writing, why shouldn't I?

Another reason that it happens is because of a dual weakness/strength that I have. My life is a sine graph. I realize that most teenagers believe that their life is a roller coaster. The math nerd inside of me knows that it's a sine graph. It's not exactly periodic, but it does *always* come back up (or down, depending on frame of reference). But, I go through phases of motivation. I know you've all seen them, whether or not you've been cognizant of them. I recognize that sometimes I'm very excited about blogging. I want to advertise by word of mouth to get more readers, I want to write informative and humorous posts, I want to start series, I want to be on a schedule, I want to do everything. When the motivation sine graph goes down, though, my blog is forgotten.

I've come to recognize this, and I believe that my writing style is an adaptation because of it. When I come to write, I come and write what I can. This post is more or less entirely encapsulated in this evening. It doesn't require any writing or planning from before, and it makes little responsibility for me in the future. It inherits the thinking I've done for the past 18 years of my life, clearly, but that's freely available. This post exists in its entirety here tonight, because it cannot afford to count on any other existence to keep it alive. This post holds a place in my heart and in my mind and on my keyboard and monitor for this evening alone. I cannot guarantee it that place tomorrow morning, as I don't know if I will have that inner desire or urge to write.

I think that's why I write the way I do. And I'm happy with it. It is, as I've said before, the way things are. And I love recognizing that things are the way they are. Sometimes I don't do that, and that's when I get unhappy. One of my most beloved excerpts...

11:41: "Why are things the way they are? Why, because if they were any other way, we would be asking ourselves why they are the way that they are, totally ignorant of the fact that things aren't the way that they are in the world where they're not different."

That's one thing I certainly do love. Wisdom from the past. Not that the excerpt is a great morsel of wisdom, but simply that it represents a moment in my life where I learned something. Or, remembered something? Depends on how you look at it. It joined my inventory, or spellbook, or whatever vague RPG reference you'd like to make. I like that.

I think that every sentence carries a bit of a flavor with it. That one, back there, the one about the vague RPG reference- it had a negative flavor to it. Or, sarcastic, or, condescending, or a bit cynical? I don't know, but it didn't fit as well. It didn't match the flavor of the rest of the post. It's all subconscious, obviously, but it reflects the feeling and mood that I'm in right now. I don't want to say something that doesn't reflect that mood.

It doesn't require much editing, this flavor thing that I tend to do. I do it when I need to, but mostly it comes out pure. That's something I love about this writing. Purity. It's just me, writing about what I'm thinking about. It's exploration and discovery and sharing and caring about others and practice and progress and love and following and leading and fulfilling and so many things at once.

Mmmmm.

Sometimes writers leave an "Mmmmm." paragraph to be poetic, or to make a statement. I will admit that I have done that in the past. This is not the case with the previous paragraph. It exists because it's what I was thinking, seeing, subvocalizing. It's a deep (but not sharp) intake of breath, slowly accepting life into one's lungs. The last sentence, it is a step too far into the realm of abstract transcendtalism, I think. Well, at least, it's one step further than I usually go with my writing. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just not something that I'm usually in the business of doing. Some nights call for that kind of language and thinking. I believe that this night called for one sentence of it. Maybe later on it will call for more, we will see, won't we?

I wonder about readers sometimes. I've heard before that sometimes its very hard to make it through my long posts. I understand. Since I started working, it's very hard for me to make it through all the blogs I normally read. I let the personal finance blog I read get backed up to about 40 entries before I read some tonight. I understand if people don't read. And I know that these posts can be difficult to get through.

Why do I post such material, then, if it's so clearly difficult? Because I still think it's a decent thing to do. Because I'm not in the business of pleasing everybody. Because I think my posts, and these posts in particular, fill a need for me and perhaps for a few others. I like to fill that need.

Do you believe that we are destined to do things, to be things? Do you believe that that destiny wasn't ever written in stone? I feel like this blog sort of has a purpose. But, it wasn't born with that purpose. And, it wasn't created with that purpose in mind. But, because the blog has become something that is able to do something, something has destined it to do that something. Take from that what you wish. But, well, I believe it, in a way.

And it's not just about the blog, but about us, as individuals. I think that because of choices we make, we're given things to do. But I don't think we'd be given those things to do if we hadn't made certain choices. I like to think about things like this. And I like to write about them here. I hope that all this talk about things I think and things I believe doesn't bother my audience. I never really intend to put things I write about out there as fact. I'm trying to learn things, and I feel like I do that through finding an idea that I feel good about, and then adopting it as if it is true, and finding out through living if it is. If it's not, life will break the idea, and I can toss it out.

Wow, I just had a learning moment. It came through text, even. I believe that this may be the first deep post that I have been texting through. It seems to be the first one I've admitted to texting through, at least. But I think it really is the first. In any event, someone important asked me, talking about my blog, "what is it that you like about it so much?" And I gave her an answer, but it was an answer that I hadn't ever put together in words before. I said a few things, but the most important one was this: "It's like I'm preserving part of me so serve- even after I'm no longer around."

Do I believe that? Yes. I believe that I've been blessed with a lot of truth. That whatever we choose to believe in, I feel like I have some truth, and that I have the ability to share that truth. I feel like that blog is a way for me to do that. And I believe that that truth is something that helps people.

Now, of course, I'm not setting myself up as some prophet of blogging. But, haven't you heard me write so often about saying things, "as a monument to the way I'm feeling tonight"? I do it all the time. It's like I'm capturing a part of my life and preserving it. Not because I think it'll be a good idea in the morning, but because I feel like it's the right thing to do. I feel like it's a responsibility and an opportunity I have, to leave monuments to my journey through life. How do I say what I feel and know inside? If I've been given what I believe I've been given, I feel like I have a responsibility and opportunity to share it. And I feel like these monuments are, perhaps, not simply for my benefit.

I believe we're connected. I understand that there is a lot of religious diversity amongst the readership. I celebrate that. But I don't think I'll offend anyone with this. I believe that we're all very connected, and that we are not meant to journey through this life alone. I believe that we exist, in large part, to help others exist. I believe that this blog is an opportunity for me to do a little bit to fulfill the purpose of my creation.

And that's big. Really big. For more than one reason. And, it's alright if you don't believe it. But it's what I believe, as funny as that sounds. You can tell I believe it, because I've got that smile right now. No teeth, but my cheeks are pulled up a bit without me thinking about it. You can tell.

Do you ever wonder why you are the way you are? Do you wonder why you're here? And not only why you're here, but why you're here in the way that you are here? I wonder about it a lot. And I feel like I have a lot of those answers, but I also feel like there's a lot for me to discover yet. But I feel like one of the reasons I'm here is to serve. I think that's one of the reasons why I am the way I am. And there are reasons that I believe this way, that I can share with you if you'd really like. But I'd like to do it in person, if that's alright. If you're interested, you know how to get a hold of me, I do love comments.

But, well, I feel strongly about my life. And about reasons for my life. And about our connectivity. There are experiences in my life that speak a lot about that connectivity. Did you know that I've loved? And I'm not talking about a relationship, and that's something that makes me very happy. It helps me sleep at night.

And maybe that's where my writing ends for the evening. I'd love to continue, but, I feel like it may be a good idea to stop here. I have learned something tonight. Or, reaffirmed something, stronger. It's given me a greater reason to blog forth. So, I've got a plan. And I think you'll be hearing about the plan shortly. But I don't want to share the plan here, because I feel it'd be a shame to leave such a good post with a plan that might not actually come to fruition. But I hope it does come to fruition.

So, I know that I end my posts like this often, but, thanks for being here friends. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for being part of my life. I hope that you're doing well. I hope that things are okay for you. I hope that we keep being connected like we are, maybe even more.

This individual is going to take what he's learned tonight and head to bed. But I'm going to try to remember, because it's important. Life's important. Thanks friends, I'm sending that smile.

Great Start

So, happy Sunday evening friends. I loved writing my last post. It was good for me. It was a necessary catharsis. I loved knowing that people read it, too. That made me feel pretty good. My post did some good things for me, and I think that in a small way, it might have made the world just a little bit of a better place. I'm calling it a success.

So I'm back. Maybe for a while, maybe for a brief moment. I'm here for a bit of a journey. I mean that both in reference to this particular post and for the remainder of the summer. I can't guarantee you'll see much more of me here. I'm discovering that I still benefit from blogging, but I don't know if I will actually make it back here. I know I'd like to. But I don't know if it'll happen or not. I know that's not a great outlook for either of us here. But, well, I'm here now, so I'm going to take advantage of that.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. We had a big family meeting tonight, talked about a lot of stuff. It was a good meeting, and I feel like we moved forward on some issues that we needed to move forward on. The last thing we talked about was my housing payment for Utah State. I didn't do a good job being on top of stuff, and totally blanked the fact that I had a 960 dollar payment due on July 1st. So, I got a phone call from Mama Withers that afternoon asking me about it, and I had no idea. So, surprisingly enough, I didn't have 960 dollars lying around. So I'm accumulating a late fee. It's not a huge deal, but, well, it's a failure.

And that's what is getting to me here. The first payment I ever really have to make in my whole life, and I'm late on it. I'm already screwing up. And it's not so much that as it is the fact that I didn't have a realistic shot at it from the start. Before this summer, I hadn't worked for three years. I did carpet two summers, made something like 1800 bucks between the two of them. The first summer went almost entirely to building my computer. I think that was a good investment. The next summer I actually deposited in the bank, and withdrew it as was necessary. My parents payed for almost all of my high school expenditures, but the carpet money payed for the few things they didn't. I'm left with 155 dollars of that. I started working as soon as my summer free'd up. I only grabbed 39 hours of work for June. Partly because I had three weeks that were dead, and partly because I was a bit of a slacker and still have trouble putting in an eight hour day. That scored me about 450 dollars.

So, that's not 960 bucks. When I get paid at the beginning of next month, I'll certainly have enough. Of course, that's a little more than two weeks away, so pops is going to step in and bail me out on this one, and I'll pay him back as soon as I get money to do so. By tomorrow afternoon, I'll be about 500 dollars in debt to my pops. Of course, I've been in debt to my pops for my whole life, but he's never expected repayment.

Before we continue on my financial path, I want to point out that I lay absolutely no blame on my dad for any of this. I'm not at all mad at him. I think he's a great and studly man, and he's doing great things for me here. Just in case anyone had any other ideas.

And, I guess I'm not really complaining here. Even though that's what I'm doing. I just want to lay the groundwork for a few thoughts. I've failed on this one already. And, really, unless I had had money saved before I graduated high school, I would have been dead anyways. This failure extends back to the very last time I had 1000 dollars sitting in my bank account. That was a very long time ago. My fault, obviously.

Yeah, I've got a full tuition scholarship. I get a pretty hefty pell grant, and stafford loans look nice too. I scored a thousand dollars off of another scholarship, but I don't even know if I'm going to get that now. Yay for me being terrible at making phone calls. Those funds aren't available yet, so I'm stuck being 14 days late on a payment.

Add to the fact that I'm supposed to be watching Andrew's back while he's out of the country, and there are two of us that are late on that same payment. I'm not expected to pay for Andrew, but I think that had I been more on top of stuff, things would be better for him.

I'm a little disheartened by it all. Just, realizing that even if I work full time for the rest of the summer, I'm still not going to be able to reach my financial goals. Realizing that I'll be living off of someone else's dime for the next six years of my life, and there's not too much I can do about it. I mean, I've known for a long time that I wouldn't be able to completely fund my own mission. I knew I wasn't even going to get close. I was shooting for 3000 dollars of it a couple of weeks ago. I'll be lucky to get 2000 now.

So, I guess I'm just not very excited about all of that. I've been reading a lot about personal finance over the last couple months or so, and I've been thinking about frugality and all that good stuff. But, really, that's beans to actually making money. The truth is that I haven't really worked before now, and so I have no funds. I suppose I should have seen this coming, but I guess I didn't really man up to it till tonight.

And, really, I haven't manned up to it yet. When I man up to something, I feel like I can face it down, like I'm capable of doing it. I'm consigned to my fate, but I'm ready to kick it's butt. That's manning up to it. Right now I'm just whining about it.

And so, maybe by the end of this post I'll be able to man up to it. That'd be great. I can already feel a few rays of hope poking through. It's really not that big of a deal. I mean, it's a thousand bucks. It'll be payed tomorrow, hopefully, and then things'll be alright. We're calling Utah State tomorrow to see if they'll let some of my financial aid go to pay for it a little early. Chances are that won't work, but it's worth a shot, right? If that's the case, things are absolutely peachy, and I'm sitting pretty for a while. If it's not the case, well, I owe dad some money as soon as I can get some. That's not so bad.

Work is going really well. I've been averaging something like five and a half hours a day. That's not nearly the eight I'd like, but it's about what I can handle. I'm keeping track of my own hours, and so I always err to the lower side anyways. I have trouble showing up to work on time. Waking up at 8:30 shouldn't be that hard, but my motivation and willpower isn't there in the mornings. So I stumble into work late every day. I do good work though, and so I feel really good about that. I'm doing stuff that will really help us in the future, I think, and I feel awesome about that. I've been working here for a full four weeks or so now, and I'm still worth less than one sale. That means that if the work I've done makes it so we get one more sale than we would have otherwise, I've been a good investment. If my work nets two sales that we wouldn't have had otherwise, I'm a dang good investment. So, you know, I take some satisfaction in that.

My big brother gets home in nine days. That's incredibly exciting. I'm very happy about that. It'll be good to have him back in an active role in my life. I think he'll fill something that needs filling right about now.

I'm going to be an uncle any day now. Steph is going to pop out a baby soon. At the latest she'll start on Sunday, but we're sort of expecting it before then. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited about that. That'll be new for me. I've never been around a baby for longer than a minute. After 18 years of being mom's favorite, I'm about to be replaced. But that's okay, I think I can handle it. I am a big boy, after all.

I guess what's getting to me tonight is that whole concept of, "You have no chance at success. Sucks to be you." And I know that's not true, but tonight has sort of felt like that. "You want to go to school, and save 10,000 dollars for a mission? Nope, not gonna happen, not in this country, not with your life decisions." Yeah, had I thought about this eight years ago, I probably could have made it happen. But my parents and I decided that I wouldn't get a job. And, well, I feel good about how I did in high school. I feel like I did a pretty good job. I accomplished most of the things I wanted to, and I think it did some good stuff for me. I'm really upset that I didn't apply to any other schools aside from Utah State, but that's in the past now, so what the hey. I did well in high school. Whether or not I shot myself in the foot by planning to go to Utah State is a discussion for another day.

Moral of the story: I'm not going to hit my financial goals. And I'm sort of regretting a few decisions I made. But not many. And I know it's going to be okay.

Last post was sort of a beacon of love and hope. This post, not so much. But sometimes it's important to just get it all out. And, well, if I can't get it out here, where can I get it out?

I decided two nights ago that I don't want to major in marketing anymore. Just, looking at the way I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, and marketing isn't it. I guess I've been taking some crap for it lately, but it got me thinking. If I see a problem, I'd rather be the guy to say, "Alright, how can we fix this problem?" instead of the guy that says, "Alright, how can we sell this problem?" It just didn't seem to be a good fit for me.

So, back to the drawing board. I'm on this sort of pendulum thing, where I swing between wanting to do something super auspicious and nerdy, or something super super mundane and boring. I had a little bit where I wanted to be an accountant. That was definitely the extremely mundane side of the pendulum. I still haven't closed the door on accountant, but, well, I'm currently looking elsewhere.

Dak's shirt at frisbee friday had a quote from pre on the back. "To give anything less than your best is to deny the gift." Now, I'm not saying that Dak's shirt changed my life, cause it didn't. But I like the quote, and it was coincidentally on dak's back the other night. Moral of the story? I think I'm capable of a whole lot. I know it's taboo to say it, but I feel like I've accomplished a whole lot, and I think that there's pretty much nothing out there that I can't do right now. I realize that professional music is pretty much barred to me. Also dancing. Also competitive athletics. And... well, for now, I think that's about it. Oh, they wouldn't let me into space on account of the pancreas. Or fighter jets.

But, if I can go be a chemical engineer, why the heck not? Why not work in a lab coat? If I can be the nerdy statistician, why not? If I can get someone else to pay for eight years of my schooling so I can actually be the other dentist, why not? I could be a radiologist, and make bank. I could do university research, and make nothing!

So, pendulum is currently at the "shoot for the stars, little buddy!" position. I have no idea what I want to do. Chemical engineer for some reason smells good to me. Trouble, of course, is that USU doesn't have that degree. I'd have to go to BYU. I dunno, I've really wanted to go to BYU for a while now. Stupid Christopher didn't apply to BYU though. Call me arrogant, but I really think I had a decent shot at getting their smooth 1.5 tuition scholarship. I know it's probably just wishful thinking... but I could have at least grabbed full tuition, no questions there. It would have cost me about an afternoon's worth of work to fill out the app, get my interviews, and mail it all in. But I didn't, cause I was set on one thing that I'm no longer set on.

Now, Utah State looks great. Rooming with my big brother? And three of my best friends I've had since seventh grade? Yeah, that's awesome. Socially, that looks smooth. I know it's a safe environment for me there. My big brother will be looking out for me.

But, I dunno. I feel that if there's some great plan for me, I might have missed a year of it on account of Utah State. That's a little harsh. Maybe it's important for me to go for a year. Maybe I'll stay for four years, I mean, free school is free school. But, if I could go back, I'd apply for BYU. My bad.

But you know what, I think things are going to be okay. I don't plan on losing much time on my schooling. I still don't know what I want to do, but I think I probably want to end up at BYU after a mission. I've got three years to change my mind, but I'll see what happens. It'll depend on a lot of stuff. But we'll see, I guess.

You know, friends, things are going to be okay. I know I've been a big downer this post, but I'm going to be alright. I know that a lot of you are in this same position, and a lot of you are probably in less pretty situations. So you're there, saying, "C'mon Thatcher, don't even." And you're probably right. I don't wanna complain about my situation. And I hope that's not what I have done. I realize that it probably is, but it's gonna be alright. I can handle this, with some help.

I'm making good money at my job right now. Next paycheck should be pretty sweet. The best news is that by the time I get my next paycheck, the company will actually have money! We're releasing super soon. I'm so excited. I can't say too much about the company right now, because I'm still actually hitting on our google results. But, well, ask me in person. I'm really excited about it. It's stuff that really excites me.

But yeah, I'm making decent money, and so by the next time I get paid, I'm going to be doing alright for a while. I've got great financial aid, thank you government. I've got an amazing family. I've got loving and caring friends, and they've got my back. I've got guys that I respect, guys that I can joke around with. There are girls I really care about, and girls that care about me too. We're an incredible group. We're more spread than ever, but things don't change between us all. Well, maybe the shallow things change, but not the deep things. The deep things are going to remain, for a very long time.

What can a guy like me really have to complain about? Absolutely nothing, that's what. I'm gonna be alright, no questions. Sure, I have no idea what to be when I grow up, but so what? I'll grow up; I can figure it out with help. Money isn't what's important. As far as things that are important go, I think I'm the richest guy I know. Yes, I shuddered because of the cliche' too, but really, I believe it! Ha, call me a corndog, but I'm gonna be alright.

Ha, look at me go, I'm happy again. Funny what a post will do to you. I hope you're all doing well. I'm going to be setting up the AP dance soon, I hope. I'll let you know on that though.

Moral of the story? Thanks for reading my complaints for a while. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being good people. I hope you all do incredible things with your life.

Changes

It's a requirement of every journal-type blog of a teenager to have at least one post titled, changes. I've known this for a very long time. I've known this for years, in fact, and I've considered starting several blog posts with that very same beginning line. I've laughed when I've seen my friends title posts, changes. It's so typical, so expected. It's got teenage stereotype written all over it. I title my post changes tonight not necessarily because my life has been changing, but rather as a monument to this blog itself, to my teenage existence. I title it changes because I'm unsure of the future, and I feel that the title accurately captures the irony and previous foresight that has been lost.

I say the previous foresight that has been lost. What does that mean? Do you ever feel like you used to understand, but that now you don't? No, that's not accurate, that's not what I feel. Hmm. The blog, that's what this is about. For now. It applies to everything else, mostly, but we'll get there eventually. We'll start small, and expand, and maybe it'll make sense.

I used to post a lot. My posting has gone through a few pretty easily definable stages. I can classify those stages based upon my reasons for posting. I wrote all this down on a yellow piece of paper one night. I love my yellow papers. They were a substitute for posting for a while. The paper is upstairs, and I'm downstairs. I was about to write a sentence explaining how I wasn't going to go get that paper, but that I was going to just tell you what I remembered. That's how I feel tonight. But that's not the kind of person that I want to be. No. I want to be the guy that goes upstairs to get the paper. Because the paper will help me understand. And the paper will help you understand better too. The paper is a significant thing. Because I felt something that night, something significant enough for me to write it down on that yellow piece of paper. I wrote it because I knew it was important, and I knew it'd be important in the future. And what kind of guy would I be if I left that piece of paper upstairs instead of using it? Why would I leave it up there? I'm lazy, and perhaps melancholy, but I can at least respect the person I want to be and the person that I have been enough to go get it. I'll fight this lazy present, and I'll go get that paper. Oh yes, I'll be back in a minute.

A few notes, before I jump into the yellow paper. You'll notice that I'm talking very separately tonight. The difference between the me of previous times, the present me, the future me, all of that. I don't think I'm dissociative, but I do use the separate model of me to recognize the changes in emotion that accompany the transition of time. I think I first detailed this in a post my sophomore year about treadmills. Oh how things have changed since then.

Now, halfway through the sentence, "I think I first detailed this post...." I stopped writing for about an hour. I was talking to a very good friend of mine, someone that's very important to me. Because of that, things have changed a bit. My emotional mindset is not the same, and the things that I wanted to explore aren't necessarily as important as they once were. However, there are still things that need to be said. And so I'm going to say them. It's 3:18 in the morning. My sleep schedule has always been a bit messed up, but summer is taking it to the extreme. I.... want to write. So I'm going to.

I never used to use elipses. I didn't like them much. I made a theorem with Nickmo once. It said that as the number of elipses in a messenger conversation went up, the level of happiness went down. It just meant that people used elipses when they were sad more often than when they were happy. I use elipses to represent moments when I don't exactly know. I like to recognize those moments, almost cherish them. I love the idea of not having words to say, or not knowing exactly what I want to say. I sort of celebrate moments where I simply don't know. There's a word for it that I'm looking for. Unsure. No, that's not it, but it's close. It's not a bad feeling. It usually happens when I'm trying to explain something to someone. Something that's important to me, and something that I mostly understand inside, but that I can't communicate well. It doesn't frustrate me at all. It's like it's a little challenge. I've recently come to really appreciate the elipses because it lets me not know, and it's okay not to know. It's okay to not understand and to not be able to always communicate exactly what you mean. It's okay to be impractical and imperfect sometimes.

One of my favorite things of writing at night is not seeing exactly what i type on screen. I can see it, but my contacts are out, and I'm leaning farther away from my screen in my chair, so I can't see characters all that well. I can still generally feel when I've typed a word wrong, but I know that I've got an "I" up in this paragraph that's not capitalized, and I'm not going back to fix it. I could barely see it, and I suspected that something was wrong, but I sorta let it slide. That's how it goes at night. Mechanics stop mattering so much. It's more about communicating what I feel, and not so much about worrying what everybody is thinking of it.

Now, I understand that not many people read this much. Ding, that's another one of those things that every single teenage blog has to have. I've written it numerous times, in numerous posts. I'm writing it again, so sue me. But I am cognizant of that fact.

My blog has always been a parallel to my life. I love that. It lets me understand me better. It teaches me lessons about me that I didn't know needed to be taught. It's a thing of beauty. I love that I have my blog.

I've been wondering lately if I will keep the blog up. I remember that I commited to write in it at least until I left on a mission. I feel off the bandwagon. I think i had two posts last month. I haven't had a month that low since the very beginning, if I recall. But, what would I do if the need to blog vanished? What if the benefit of blogging went away? What if I would be better off not doing it, and the community would be better off without me writing? What would happen then? Would it be prudent for me to keep up my commitment? What if the facts changed, so it would be wise to not keep my commitment? Would I break it, should I break it?

Now, that's not the question that's on my mind. But, it's an interesting idea. Just because I made a commitment to myself, on this blog, that I would keep blogging, does that mean that I shouldn't take into considering changing factors?

I love my blog. It's been a big part of my life. It's been such a great tool for me. It has helped me get to where I am right now. But I don't know what its future will be. Unless I do something, there's a good chance that it will lie dormant until I got to college. This summer, well, there's less time in the evenings to blog. I used to hunt for things to write about. Now I don't think about it. I'm writing tonight because Jaron and Nate mentioned that not many people had been writing. That means me.

I'm very stream of consciousness tonight, as I've always been. I seem to be moreso than usual though. It's, well, the way things are.

I guess my question is, "who do I want to be?" It's a question I'm always asking myself. It's something that I'm always moving towards, an answer, whether I'm thinking about it or not. Every choice moves me in a direction. Is this the person I want to be? Is this the person I should be?

There are a million good choices out there. I think that blogging is a good choice. But is it the best choice? Tap dancing could have probably been a "good choice" for me back in the day. Maybe I would have been good, maybe it would have taught me something. But I didn't do it, and I'm okay with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, just because it's good, doesn't mean that it's something that I have to do. Doesn't mean that I can't do other good things.

This doesn't mean that I'm retiring. I dont' want to do that right now. I don't want to do that for a while, in fact. It's just, something I'm thinking about. I guess I'm thinking about the reality of change. The reality of moving on, letting things go, and accepting what's new. I've been having a bit of trouble with that lately. I haven't had any problem letting go of being graduated from highschool. I've just had trouble with how that has changed my social status. When I'm with my big group of friends, things are different. That's for a couple reasons, obviously. Relationships, graduation, the fact that we're no longer compelled to be together all the time, etc. etc. But it's change, and I don't know how I feel about it.

There's a good John Mayer song. It says, "Say what you need to say" about a million times. I don't know how I feel about the song, it's a little repetitive for me, but I love the message behind it. I don't like the way those commas worked out last sentence. But I'm not going to go back and change it, because I don't really believe in going back to change what i've written here tonight.

But, anyways, say what you need to say. I believe it. Maybe I haven't been doing enough of that lately.

You know, there are a lot of people that I just really care about. I wrote one of my really good friends a pretty extensive note this week, and that felt really good. I really enjoyed that. It's just, weird, I suppose, to care about so many people. I think that culturally, at least in my life, I've been sorta shown and told that we generally are supposed to care about only one or two people. That our interests narrow, as time goes on. But that's weird to me. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just want to say that I care about a lot of people. And, well, I don't know what to do about that. That's all.

You know, it's 3:34 Am. I wonder if anybody ever wakes up in the middle of the night and is like, "I wonder what Thatcher is doing right now..." and then they wake up the next morning to find out that I'm sitting here, in my chair, thinking about stuff. I don't assume that it's ever happened, and I'm not bold enough to guess that it ever would. I just thought it was interesting. What is everybody else doing, right now? It's 3:34 AM. I bet most of my friends are in bed, and I think that's way cool. I hope they're doing well.

There's been no shortage of relationshipping among the group. That has its ups and downs. But it's interesting to note that you don't stop caring about everybody else just because you've been relationshipped. You're not absolved from anything. There's no magic potion. I guess I didn't really assume that there would be, and I don't know what I'm saying with this. I dunno, I'm just thinking of my friends, how they're doing at 3:38 AM. Going through, caring about them all, not just the one or two. And I think that's the point. The relationship thing hasn't changed much about the way that I feel about all my friends. I'm still concerned about them. I know it wasn't much, or it wasn't a big deal, but I always felt a bit of ownership or responsibility for the girls in the group. Ownership could get me slapped, but what I meant to say was that I always felt that I had at least a little bit of a leadership role most places I went. In the social circle, it might have just been my ego, but I sorta saw myself as a bit of the leader. As such, I cared about and sorta felt like I had to take care of people. Not like, had to take care of them, but it was there. Well, that hasn't changed. I still feel that concern for the people, still want to know how they're doing, still hope they're doing well. Being relationshipped, it feels like everyone's perception has changed. Now it feels like people think I'm only caring about one person, but that's just not true. Huh, I dunno why I typed all that. But I guess I felt like it was a decent thing to do, so I did it.

You can tell that my writing style has changed a lot in the past couple of minutes. I began this post incredibly philosophically. I was ready to dive in and explore some feelings I haven't typed out or vocalized all summer. But, now I'm sorta sleepy, and I got pretty affectionate just thinking about my friends.

For the record, I think we dominated at high school. I just want to point that out.

It's like I'm writing to a big group of you. I'm even feeling that way enough to write "you". But, that's probably not true. I don't know who I'm writing to. I usually write to a specific person when I write. It's usually a girl. It varies, of course. I know exactly which girl I think I'm writing to tonight. I don't know if she'll ever read it, but I know who I'm writing to. Isn't that weird? I bet Nick doesn't think so. I love that I know Nick will read, eventually, maybe. He's always a good guy, chiming in.

Anyways, I'm starting to sound like drunk fellows off of cartoons. Not that I'm drunk, or feeling disabled at all, but I'm typing and writing a little weird. I could go on, but I don't know if I need to. I don't know if it'd be good for me or good for the community. I love that I can say community. I love that what I do has a bit of an impact. Maybe it's tiny, maybe it's small enough to be negligible, but I don't believe that it is.

I guess, I just don't understand some things. I don't understand why I feel the way I do about certain things. But I'm glad I do, that's for certain. Maybe I'll write more. Maybe I'll finish what I started thinking about. But, hey, for a post that started off a little angsty, it has ended up very happy. I love my friends. And I care about them, and I hope they're doing well. And I want to do a better job showing that, and doing what I can for them. Because they're good people, and they're important to me, and I care about them.

Well, 3:46, it's time for me to head back upstairs and get ready for bed. Peace and love friends. I feel humble enough tonight to say that I'd love a comment. I really would. But I'll understand if you don't.

Thanks for everything, all of you who are out there. I hope you know who you are. I'm sending you a smile. Ha.

Cleaning up so Well

Hey, happy Father's day. I've got a post I could write about my dad, and I think I might sometime soon. But for now I just want to free-write a little bit, like I usually do.

My computer is in the basement now, since I'm going to be working for my brothers. This has its ups and downs. Last time I had my computer down here it changed my computer habits significantly. I spent less time on the computer because it was in a more remote location and there wasn't enough room for me down here. We've rearranged, so things are nicer this time around. I'm still set up so I can migrate my computer back upstairs with relative ease if I want to. I haven't decided if I want to commute with my computer or not. The moral of the story? I'm in a new location, and it always feels a little different typing in a new location.

I got back from PLC on saturday. PLC is Priest Leadership Conference, and it's pretty intense. I could go on for a really long time about what happened there, because it was pretty cool, but I don't think that I'm going to. The important thing to know about PLC is that it's something that is very inspiring to me. I've been to PLC three times- once as a participant, and twice as a leader. My participant year changed a lot of things for me. I was already a good kid and a hard worker, I felt, but it did a lot to motivate me to work harder in a lot of things, specifically cross country and blogging. I credit PLC with making me love cross country that summer between sophomore and junior year.

One of the biggest and most important parts of PLC is the flight plan. We have lessons about setting effective goals using the SMART method. It's the same method that's taught in adult roles at Taylorsville, but it's taught with a lot more power and practicality at PLC. We're then asked to think about it, and establish five or so goals that meet the criteria of SMART. They've got to be checked off by an adviser before they're signed off.

Now, this year we didn't do a good job as a staff at pushing the flight plan. When I write up my post-PLC report for the bigwigs, I'm going to be sure to mention it. The important thing to note, though, is that my flight plan for my participant year legitimately changed things for me. No questions about it, my flight plan made me a better person.

And so I'm working on writing my flight plan for this year. I didn't want to do it at PLC because I wanted more time to sit and think about it, to really establish what I want to do.

See, I know that my life is a sine graph. I've got ups and downs for everything, as I think all people do. Motivation is one of those things. At this point, I feel very motivated and capable of moving forward. I want to ensure that I am moving forward in the right things, however. I have a bit of a fear of commitment, and I know that making these goals is a pretty big commitment. I'm ready to work very hard at whatever I decide to work hard on, so I'm making sure that I make good choices.

I'm at a stage in my life where I can do a lot of things. The actions I take now will affect what happens in the future. The field is wide open here. This realization means two things. The first is that I'm in charge of my own destiny. The second is that action now means reward later, whereas inaction means nothing. Any action, even if it's not the perfect choice for me is better than no action.

And by action I mean taking steps to learn a new skill, to get better at something, to make some money, to work at anything. I'm thinking about investing in myself here. That's what I mean by action.

So I've had some ideas tossing about. I'm really thinking about committing to being on time to work every single day. I'm terrible at being tardy, and it's something I'd like to work on. Things are in the basement, so it's not hard to get here. The trouble is that my big brother is my boss, and things have been pretty lax in the past. It would be very easy to not worry about being strictly on time. I think that being on time so consistently would send a good message though, and bring quite a few benefits to the company. It's hard work that's not essential, but it might be a good idea. I'm not one hundred percent that it'll make the final list, but it's definitely a good contender.

I've thought a lot about public speaking lately too. I spoke in church the other day, and afterwards one of the guys in the ward invited me to go to toastmasters with him and one other guy. He's a motivational speaker/trainer, and so I listened up when he started talking to me about it. Apparently toastmasters is some nationwide not-for-profit organization that teaches public speaking stuff. I did some research, and it looks pretty cool. It's all group-run it looks like, and wouldn't cost me much. The guy I talked with told me that as a professional speaker, that's the best training he's ever got, and that's how he gets better. So I'm looking into going with them whenever I get the chance. I figure I'll always be speaking, just by the nature of the person that I am, so I think refining the skill would be a good idea.

So that's what really started me thinking about refining my skills this summer. Toastmasters is entirely out of my comfort zone, but it's something I feel like I want to do. I think I might set the goal to get out to toastmasters every chance I get. It'd be a weekly commitment, and I'd have to take a few hours off of work to be there (not a big deal). Toastmasters is a pretty good contender for the list.

One of the biggest things I've been thinking about has been blogging. For as much thinking and writing I do about blogging, I don't do as much blogging as one would expect. I made it a goal on my first flight plan to post once a week during that summer. I hit that mark, and I continued that minimum for a long time. Before my senior year, it was rare that I'd miss posting at least once a week. I've been much more spotty lately, but I'd be interesting in setting another goal like that. I don't want my personal blog to die.

I've been thinking about starting a professional blog as part of my skill refining work. Being able to write effectively is something that I've always been interested in doing. For a really long time, I've seen having an effective blog as a big part of what I want to do in order to be successful in the way I want to be successful. It really just seems to fit with my personality and current career goals.

So I want to start a professional blog, and I think it'd be good for a few reasons. The first is that blogging and writing professionally is something that I'm not that good at, and I'd like to start practicing now so I can gain the skill. The second is that I could learn more about a certain topic if I chose to blog about it. If I chose to blog about personal fitness, for example, I'd obviously have to research and experiment in order to make it work. Gradually, I could become an expert on what I wrote about. As a third reason, I think that having a blog would increase my net worth. I think it could help me career wise. It'd be a good way for me to market myself, I feel, and it could potentially help me make helpful connections.

Now, all of that is just incredibly wishful thinking, I know. I'd probably have a pretty terrible blog at the start. A professional blog is a whole lot different from a personal blog like this one. The fundamental ideas are the same, I suppose, but the writing style and relationship with the audience would be a lot different. It'd be something I've never done before, and so it'd take some practice to make it work out. I'd have to find a topic, and then experiment with lots of stuff to try to make things fly. I talked with my brother Michael about it, as well as Nickmo, and I've got a few ideas that I might want to try.

So it's not a guarantee, but if I do decide it's what I want to do, I feel like I'm ready to give it a serious shot. If it makes the flightplan, you can count on me working at it for at least the summer. Serious blogging is a skill I'd like to develop, and I feel like this is the best way for me to do it.

If I do go for it, I'm thinking that the blog will focus on my quest to understand business. I use business as a filler word for a lot of things, "That pizza was good business!" but this time I actually mean business. Like, "I'm majoring in business!" business.

So, yeah, that might just be forthcoming in the near future. No matter what happens, I'm going to be doing a better job keeping up with the personal blog. It's important to me, like I've always said. Me and James talked about the blog for a few moments at PLC, actually. He said that my posts lately haven't been as fulfilling, because they are lacking the insight that my sophomore year posts had. I interpret this to mean that I'm talking less about ideas and feelings, and more about solid business. I think that my writing had value because I was really trying to understand the world around me, pondering and all that. So I'm going to make an attempt to come here and write more often, and to write with a little more quality.

Life's a little different now, but the basic principles that have always governed success are going to continue to govern success.

I'll be honest- I'm always very wary of success. There are things in my life that are very important to me. My spirituality is one of those things. I always worry that as I strive to be successful in this world of men, I'm going to forget what is really important. I'm going to write in the near future about success. But, well, I don't want to be one of those guys that chases something his whole life and isn't fulfilled. I know what brings me personal fulfillment, and success isn't it.

But that's not to say that success shouldn't be pursued. It just means that I need to work hard to remember what's really important. It's something that I don't want to lose sight of this summer, or anytime for that matter.

As things change, like they're doing now, it's important for me to keep that focus. I feel very motivated right now to move forward with my life. I just hope that this stuff doesn't distract me from what's important.

Anyways, that's my freewrite for the evening. I'm going to work to post more often here, like I said. Let me know what's going on, friends. I'll catch you all later, I hope you're doing well.

I must be Emo

Two songs in one week? Chalk me up as emo- it's official



As a disclaimer, I post this tonight because I want to. I do not post this song as a cryptic message to anyone. I find myself on uncertain grounds in a few areas, and I do not intend for this song to mean anything to anybody about me.

I'm throwing it here because I really really want to. Reasons are my own.

I've been a bit spotty lately. Interesting subject. Maybe we'll all talk about it one day. For now, I think it's best to hold the peace.

In the interim, enjoy the song. It's one of my favorites.

Fab Vocab [Fight the Power]

The 350 word extravaganza is coming up. V.B. built some study guides for us all online.

http://www.studystack.com/menu-135458

I'll probably take the link down after the test. I don't want juniors abusing the system. But since she went to the effort to build the resources for us, I'll do my part by sharing the good news. Read it, study it, love it.

Yay for fab vocab.

I Will Derive

Now, I've never been one to post random videos on my blog. Most things I've put up were made by me. One time I put up a song, because I really liked it.

Today I'm tossing up a video that I had nothing to do with it. It's a parody of I will Survive. It's about calculus.

Now, I know me and calculus are supposed to be broken up. And we are, really. But sometimes the right song can really take you back to the good old days. I'm not saying I miss her, or want to get back together. All I'm saying is that the song is incredible. Hooblay!

Fifth Time's the Charm

A few quick thoughts before bed tonight.

First off, Laurence IV died today. Well, didn't really die. He started leaking after I threw him at Molly, so I abandoned him with Kortney. I'm not sure what's going to happen to him. The good news is that he's already been replaced with Laurence V.

Now, Laurence IV only lived about three days. Only one of those was a school day. Maybe it was slightly more than that, but still, pretty diminutive. I've decided that I can't keep going through children this fast. So I'm making a decision. Laurence V will live at least two full weeks. Rain or shine, I will make sure that this one gallon jug of mine stays alive for 14 days.

It's currently the 20th of May, but his life started halfway through the 19th, so we're counting it. Two weeks from the 19th is the second of June. If I can make it to June 2, I will retire the name Laurence and find a new one. At Laurence V's one week birthday, I'm pretty sure he'll wear a fun hat to school. We'll see though.

So, yeah. That's declaration number one. I'm going to be a better parent. It's going to be hard, though. If Laurence V is going to survive two whole weeks, I'm going to have to take good care of him. I'm going to be a good dad.

The other thought of the night is that my house smells awful good. We have all the windows tossed wide open, and I love the way the night smells. Our swampie is still out of order, so we're relying on the windows and fans to keep us cool. It's not working, but it smells great in the evening. Mom switched to a new laundry detergent to, and I can tell the difference as soon as I walk downstairs. I wonder if this new stuff is more potent than the previous stuff we'd used. I have a hunch that it's not, but that rather I had just been accustomed to the old stuff. Maybe the entire downstairs has always smelled like laundry detergent on laundry day, but that I was so used to the other stuff that I never noticed. Either way, I like the way it smells, and I'm excited to put that smell on in the near future.

Welp, Happy evening everybody. We're marching forward. The future has a whole lot of mystery to it, but I think we're going to be okay. I'm pretty excited about stuff. Keep up the great work, friends. Much love~

Trump

Let's be honest here. For all the talk in the world, it's all about emotion.

I remember junior year's valentine's blast. Nickmo asks, "What would it take for you to have a girlfriend by the end of the week?" or something like that. I proceeded to set out a several step plan of incredible feats that this girl would have to accomplish in order to woo me over. It was logical and systematic. It wasn't a bad list, as lists go.

But, really now? Scratch the whole list. No one can convince me logically that I ought to be in a relationship right now. That's cause logically I'm too lazy, and I'm unconvinced that it's the absolute best thing to do.

To be honest, I could rewrite the junior year explanation a whole lot better in just a few lines. "I'd have to feel like it's something I wanted. I'd have to like the girl."

Really, I've seen a killer example of emotion vs. logic this past while. I'm still me, haven't done a thing about anything, so don't get all worried. Just been thinking about it a lot. It's not even a competition. Emotion beats out logic, every time. When it comes to this "love" business, logic gets its butt kicked.

That's not a bad thing. Just felt like finally saying it while I had the chance.

Investment [Relationships]

It's been a good day. I actually got out running today. I kept it really short and really slow, but it felt good to be out there. It was a beautiful day for a run. Like always, I'd like to get out and run more. Now that the weather is really nice, maybe I'll actually make it happen. I'd really like that.

So, I've been meaning for a long time to toss out my theories on relationships. Maybe that's not even a fair thing to call what all this is. Essentially, it's an excuse for me to over-analyze. I love to analyze. Here's the real kicker here, though. I don't fully understand this. I've got a decent idea in my head, but I'm trying to learn. I understand that this model is not a perfect one. It's incredibly logical. When it comes to relationships, logic isn't always the greatest answer. I'm really hoping, though, that I can start using this model to start making decent decisions. I've had one plan for relationships for high school for the past 2.5 years, and it has worked well, I think. It has had its drawbacks, but it has also had its sweet sweet side effects. High school is nearly over, and I'm not exactly sure what my new plan is yet. I'm hoping to build a good model that will make sense, so that I can use that model to better determine what my actual plan will be. Sound ridiculous? Maybe it is, but hey, give me a break. I'm just sorta exploring. This might crash and burn. Here we go!

Me, Kyle, Levi, and James have formulated a way to compare the actions of different guys towards girls. We've come up with the idea of investments, that is, long term investments and short term investments. We see a guy running up to a girl and giving her a hug (a la P Burn) to be a short term investment. It carries fairly high risk, but it is almost immediately either rewarding or disappointing. Its long term effects are not incredibly extensive. We classify short term investments as bold actions by a guy to get a girl's attention for at least a brief amount of time. These are very active investments.

On the other hand are long term investments. Me, Kyle, and James all see ourselves as long term-investors. Long term investments are actions taken by guys that will not immediately result in any significant recognition from a girl, but will, over time, improve our standing with them. In the most extreme sense, long term investments can be passive things we do without even thinking about influencing girls. Me going to school and doing well is a very small kind of long term investment. It will, I hope, eventually improve my standing with most girls. There are more direct forms of long term investment. Helping a girl with something, homework, door holding, etc. etc. can be a long term investment, as long as the guy isn't obnoxious and "Look at me!" about it. The key to long term investments is that they don't seek immediate recognition or reward. They are intended to accumulate over time, increasing a guy's standing with a girl or girls until he is in a favorable position.

My old model consisted of these two kinds of investments. I'm beginning to think, though, that this investment idea is not simply a binary operation. It's not just short term and long term. Rather, there is an entire spectrum of investment options. It ranges from the incredibly short term to the exhaustingly long term. There's an investment choice for everyone within the spectrum. There are investments that harmoniously blend the ideas of short term and long term. Investments can get pretty complex.

I've also begun to think that almost every action a guy undertakes can be looked at as an investment, not just the actions that the guy thinks about or plans. He doesn't have to actively say, "I'm gonna impress this girl" in order for it to be an investment. Almost every interaction he has with girls can be looked at as an investment.

The currency we're shooting for here is not US Dollars. It is, instead, attention and respect from girls. It is our standing with them. How well they regard us, I suppose. How cool a girl thinks we are. It's the gut feeling they have about us before they put any thought behind it. That's what we're shooting for. For the purposes of the discussion, I'm going to refer to this as "reputation". It's sort of taking a nod from RPG's where you gain reputation with a faction, and they'll give you stuff. If we can have a really high level of reputation with a girl, we're in good shape.

Within the spectrum of investments, there are ups and downs. In the old binary system, short term meant you actually got to flirt with girls, and that you actually had a chance at some form of relationship. Long term meant security and decent regard from a lot of different girls.

Sometimes the market is good, and most investments you make will result in a net increase of reputation. Other times the market is bad, and you'll lose reputation. This is sometimes outside of guys control. Whether it's long term investing or short term investing, we will sometimes lose reputation due to factors outside of our control. That's the market for you.

I love personal finance, and this model does a pretty good job of blending the harsh but beautiful reality of the economy with the harsh but beautiful reality of this whole high school scene. It's possible to apply the idea of diversification here. In almost every single guide to investing for dummies, the experts will recommend diversifying one's portfolio in order to make a more secure gain. That means that instead of buying a ton of just one stock, they will buy smaller amounts of several stocks. The logic behind this is that the stock market, in general, trends upwards. It will generally go up. Individual stocks within the market are very volatile. They will go up and down like crazy. When taken as a whole, though, the market moves upwards, generally. By diversifying, one can capitalize on that general market trend without worrying about the fickle nature of individual stocks.

Diversifying is always encouraged for new investors, because it is more secure. Warren Buffett, one of the richest investors in the world, does not diversify. He encourages everybody else to diversify, however. His logic is that he's a professional, and has been doing this his whole life. He stands to make much more money from picking awesome single stocks and investing very heavily in them. He feels personally qualified to make those calls. He suggests, however, that most people are not qualified to make decisions like that, and should stick to safer things.

Moral of the story? Diversification is safer, and will yield slowly appreciating results. Picking one stock out is much riskier, but could potentially yield very profitable results. Chances are you'll never become as rich by diversifying as you would by picking one stock. The same idea can apply to relationships. By focusing your effort on one single girl, you open up the option of a relationship, and that could be pretty great. You also open up the chance of getting your butt kicked and being tossed out, broke.

There are a million other market analogies that could be made. I'll leave that for another day.

What is the status of my portfolio? Because after all, theorizing about all of this is one thing, but it's entirely worthless if I can't understand how it relates to me. Keeping in mind that the market is volatile and that I don't know what will happen in the future, I think I have at least a decent idea of where I'm at.

I make it a policy here to refrain from discussing personal relationship details. It's not that I'm a coward, I just don't think it's good form. I have a lot that I could say about my personal portfolio right now. I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to make sense of it. If I have a good idea of how my portfolio stands, I can have a better idea of what to do next to keep building wealth. I would love so much to go into detail. I don't have many qualms about discussing it in person, but I just don't think it's good form to do it here, online. So I'll refrain.

The basics, however, remain the same. I've been a long term investor. I've built some wealth, slowly. But even long term investors, at one point or another, have to decide to cash in their 401k for retirement. One cannot make long term investments forever, or they will die with a million investments and no solid or tangible capital. Long term investments can take a guy 90 percent of the way, but it takes a riskier investment to begin a relationship.

It's an idea I've been calling the vulnerability point. The vulnerability point is a point on the spectrum that's very close to center. It's a mix between long term and short term. It's where the investor has to say, "Yes, I am interested. I want to try this." It's more long term than short term guys are used to, because it implies some sort of commitment to the future. It's much much shorter term than I'm used to, because it requires effort, and it carries a (relatively) enormous amount of risk. It's the vulnerability point because up to this point, very short term and very long term guys aren't at all at risk. Very short term guys never play for keeps, and all the girls know that. They do what they do, and then life goes on. They don't stand to lose much. Long term guys never stand to lose much because they're so careful to never do anything that would make them risk losing anything. By approaching the vulnerability point and migrating towards the center of the investment spectrum, guys open themselves up to serious risk for what could be the first time.

I recognize that this point will have to come. I'm not sure when it will come, but at some point or another I will have to stop investing solely for the accumulation of reputation.

That's my market theory for relationships. It's imperfect, clearly, but I like the idea behind it. It's a decent model, and it's something that I can grasp and run theoretical situations with. It's great for questions, because instead of analyzing feelings, I can analyze absolute value. For example, which is a better choice, diversifying and earning a little reputation with a lot of stock, or going for the gold and trying to earn a lot with one stock? Which yields more absolute value? What does a two year hiatus do to that absolute value? What effect do others' actions have on the market? Is this a good time for a long term investment, or a short term investment?

I'm sure I'll come under a bit of fire for all this, you know, likening something this irrational to something as mundane as economics. I'm not saying that I evaluate girls logically by any means, but I think I'm saying that I want to make the best choices that I can, and that this is one way of me trying to figure out what's best for me and for everybody else. It's just a theory that I've had some fun thinking about this week. Take it for what it's worth. Me, I think it's nearly time for bed. I'll keep watching the market, though, waiting for my time to pounce. Ok, so not really, but I do love economics. And kangen water. And string cheese, that too.

Thanks for reading friends. I hope things are going well for you. Keep up the excellent work. Peace and love~

A quick post before bed without any logical choice for a title

I just spent a good and hefty amount of time talking with Michael about girls, relationships, and all of that good stuff. It was a really good experience- for a lot of reasons. Me and Michael, for all that we joke about stuff like this, can talk really professionally about it all. We can be completely open and frank about things because we know we understand each other. We don't have to censor or worry about stuff, because we're not competing over the same girls, we know that what we say is safe with the other guy, and we know that we care about each other and that we're gonna watch each others' backs. I'm really glad I've got a big brother to talk to. We both came out of talking tonight feeling better about stuff, I feel. We both learned some valuable things tonight, and I'm excited to apply them.

I gained some insight tonight from Michael, and I really appreciate that. I also gained a bit more insight into the investment model that me and my boys have been using to explain relationships for a while. I've got a better idea of what I want to do, plan wise. I don't know what I want to do, but I've got a plan to make a plan to figure out what I want to do. I'm closer than before.

Two things come out of this. The first is that I feel much better. I had a rough start to the day. This evening was really great. After mutual, I hung out with a lot of really good people at Ricka's to watch the jazz game. We played some basketball outside, and that was incredible. It was a beautiful night. For the first time ever, I enjoyed playing basketball with girls. Yeah, sure, Melissa got injured, but I still had a good time. It was good to be out there with good people. Add that great experience to the great experience of talking with Michael, and it's been a good evening. I feel recharged and focused now. I needed this.

The second thing to come out of this is what I hope will be a good post. I want to finally sit down and write out the investment model. It will really end up being a breakdown of how I see things, and I'm really excited about that. I always learn so much when I analyze in a post, and I'm excited to learn more about how I interact when it comes to this topic. It will be hard to pull it off, but I really think it's something I want to do.

Moral of the story? I just wanted to stop by and say that it's been a good evening, and that I really liked talking with Michael. I'm hoping to write the investment post tomorrow. Part of me wants to make it a professional post, but the majority of me wants to keep it like it's always been. It'll just be me ranting. It'll probably end up fairly lengthy. Some people will be interested to read it, others won't.

Anyways friends, I hope things are going well for you. It's been a good evening, and I'm excited about tomorrow. Every day this week has felt like Friday. We're getting closer to it. Tomorrow is Thursday, yippee skippy. Have a good one friends~

Monday, May 12

Hey hey, happy Monday. So, current status:

I have a 2.4 GPA right now, but that's only because of AP season. I'm done with all that now, so I can start building my 4.0 back up. I don't think winning it back will be much of a problem.

My college plans have changed a bit from what they were forever ago. I'm still going to Utah State, and I'm so excited about that. I'm planning on marketing right now, but that might change in the near future. I'm going to one year of school, then I'm planning on serving a two-year mission. When I get back, I'm hoping to transfer somewhere. BYU is a good choice, but if I get the itch, I might just go somewhere super prestigious (if they'll let me... and pay for it) in the East or something. We'll see what happens.

I am slated to graduate, no issues there.

I never made the announcement here, but I am speaking at graduation. I'm not the valedictorian or the salu-whatever, but I sure am an academic honoree. There were 10 of us with 4.0s, so the admins decided to let one of us speak. We haggled it out amongst ourselves, and we settled on me. I gave my first draft to Ward and Padjen today, and got the go ahead on it. I ran at about 3 minutes, 20 seconds. My allotment is only three minutes, but they told me I could go over if I had to. I'm going to do a lot of revising on it, but I think it'll work out. It's not exactly what I wanted for my speech, but it'll be pretty good I hope. I'ma try to keep it under wraps till graduation night, but we'll see how well that goes. I'm a bit nervous about it, but I'm excited about the opportunity.

I haven't run forever. I want to start doing that.

We just took the Wuthering Heights test in English. I did decent. I didn't really enjoy the book, but it was alright. I didn't like how every character was a dirtbag. I just really like good people. The terrifying thing about the test was that I started to relate myself to wuthering heights, and it started making sense. Yep, there are lessons in wuthering heights for me. How ridiculous is that?

Which leads me to my next point. Maybe it's the fact that it's May (you know, the lusty month of May...), but I've been spending a whole lot more time worrying about things that aren't calculus than I have about things that are calculus. Granted, the calculus test is over, but that doesn't automatically tell me to lose my mind, right?

Suffice it to say that there's a situation. I've even made a few graphs to better understand the situation. I've been using a Reimann upper-bound estimation to make a little more sense of it all, but it's not accurate enough to make a decent call. Next step: try the trapezoidal action. If that doesn't work, I'll see what the TI-86 has to say about it.

The senior dinner dance, as a dance, was not super great. I'll give it four out of ten stars. It was a good evening, and I'm really glad I went. I just wasn't too thrilled with the music. It's interesting to see demographics. From what I understand, the isntruction to the DJ was specifically rap heavy with little to no slow dancing. I did my best to change that up, but we still didn't get one hundred percent of what we wanted. It's hard for me to realize that not everybody wants what I want though. The people that I associate with all like the music I like, more or less. When a rap song would come up, we'd sorta migrate to the outside, but everybody else would come pouring onto the floor to dance. It was interesting to note that the DJ was pulling more people in when he'd do a song I hated than when he'd do a song I'd like.

Moral of the story? I think I was actually the minority at the dance. I wanted a million more slow songs. I miss region dances.

This brings up the idea of pseudo-prom. It's an idea I've had kicking around for a really long time. The idea is that on some Friday or Saturday in the near future, I'd host a dance. We'd have to find a venue, and I'd supply the music. Cool people would be invited. It wouldn't be a date, it'd be more like a souped up region dance. We'd call it out as a formal dance, but one where girl's aren't allowed to buy a new dress, cause that'd be stupid. So we'd have good friends there, looking really good, having a good time dancing.

It's got its pros and cons. Making something like that happen isn't as easy as it looks. We'd have to find a venue, I'd have to make a song list, and find some decent speakers. We'd have to find a day and time when people could actually come. We'd have to advertise well with the group in order to get people to actually show up.

It's got potential. It could be a really cool evening. There's nothing like it coming up in the near future, really. The senior dinner dance could have come close, but it certainly didn't. Maybe if there was an incredible region dance with a killer DJ, without, you know, freshman.

So I'm wondering whether we ought to do it or not. Sound off in the comments if you're interested. I'd like to hear your input. If you think it's a good idea, and you'd be willing to support the cause by showing up and maybe helping, let me know. If enough people are interested, we'll make it happen. I'm currently in the market research stage, so we'll see.

So, what's coming up in my life that I'm incredibly excited about? Seminary closing social is this Friday at the institute building. 4-7. It's going to be a good time. That's one of the last activities that we're in charge of as a council. We've got one more assembly, and then our evening with the new council, but then we're pretty much wrapped. It's been incredible.

I don't want to echo the same words that every single high school senior has ever said, but it's weird to realize that life is changing. Things that I've been working towards for the past million years of my life are about to be finished. I'm going to go to college. I'm going to be hanging out with some of the best guys that I know, it's going to be incredible. We'll be capable of pulling some pretty cool stuff off, if we work hard at it. I'm excited.

I want to play more basketball. I haven't played serious ball in a while. I think I might go sit outside for a bit. It's 11:35, but I took a huge nap. I don't have too much more to get accomplished tonight, so maybe I will.

I feel a little like I didn't accomplish much today. Maybe it's true. I went to three of four periods today, but that was allowable. I got some work done at the seminary building after school, but then I came home and took a nap. Had dinner with the family, then played a few worthless games of Warcraft. Wrote a post, that was good. There's still a bit I'm going to do tonight. Maybe I'll work out.

Yeah. As much as I love worrying about things that aren't calculus, it's so much less productive than worrying about calculus.

So, game plan? I don't know right now. I'll have one by the end of the night, I think. Me and Michael are gonna go toss a disc for a while, that makes me happy. He bought a new flashflight, I like it.

Moral of the story: Back to the basics... again. Personal study is important. Accomplish the things I've been asked to accomplish. Spend time with my family. Prioritize that which is important over that which is not important.

I'm not saying that not-calculus isn't important, because it certainly is. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that yet, and fretting isn't getting much done. I'll figure out what I'm going to do and then do it. In the meantime, it's time to focus on what's important. I'm gonna go toss to clear things up, score it.

You Are My Calculus

By the time most of you read this, I will be a free man. AP Calculus test, starting in less than 12 hours.

Am I ready? Nearly.

At this point, it's not about what I know and what I don't know. It's about facing that test tomorrow, head on straight, brow furrowed, ready to kick some college board trash.

I've nearly filled myself with everything I can. It's not about filling anymore, it's about throwing me at the test. I'm ready to face it.

Today's been a great day. Tomorrow will be liberating. I'm so excited about this test. Can I five it? Yes, absolutely. It's within the realm of posibility. Will I five it? No guarantees. I'll have a good idea tomorrow whether or not I have. I won't know for sure for quite an agonizingly long time.

This is the moment-
My final test!
Destiny beckoned-
I never reckoned
Second Best!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's game time. This is it.