Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Lies Your Parents Told You

Slow and steady does not win the race. For years and years in elementary school, all of our teachers told us this every day. Every single day they'd tell me to slow down, that slow and steady wins the race. That I didn't need to finish my assignment so fast, that it was ok to not be the first done.

When it came time to do the physical fitness test, they told us the same thing. Don't sprint the mile then walk then sprint then walk then sprint then fall over. It's a better idea to jog the whole thing, you'll get a better time. Slow and steady wins the race.

They tell you the story of the tortoise and the hare. They tell it so convincingly that you begin to really believe that there was a mythical tortoise that beat the magical hare. They become real people to you. No longer a fairy tale, but a documented piece of history, and important piece of history.

It's a bunch of lies. They lied to you. How do you feel about that? I feel angry and betrayed. I'm here to tell you that the establishment has been leading you astray since day one. It's a giant conspiracy. Our most recent intelligence (and I'm talking recent) all points towards the Russians.

Friday afternoon was the Cougar Last Chance track meet. It's the last chance to qualify for state. In order to go to state you've got to have a killer time. So, for the mile it's 4.30 something. The whole idea behind this track meet is that it's the last chance to make it. It's the cougar last chance.

The only race I was signed up for was the 3200 meters. That's 2 miles. 8 laps. I was used to doing fairly well in these races, getting 5th or 6th at tri-meets.

There weren't too many people in the race, probably only about 18. I figured I had a decent shot at doing ok, in theory I was racing against a bunch of sophies and freshmen. So, the race starts, and I'm excited. I'm wearing whiting's spikes, I'm wearing insanely short shorts, and my thighs are luminous as ever. For the third time that week, it was go time.

Now, the thing about 3200 meters is that it's long. I swear I've said this before. It's easy to get distracted. Shiny objects, ya know? Yeah, this paragraph is a repeat. Go to 20.

The race starts, and the madmen jump out of there like madness. They are hauling it. I'm with them the first 100 meters, around that first curve. My brain however, is starting to go into survival mode. I want to win. I'm plotting the way I'm gonna dominate. That's what you do when you've got 3200 meters to think about stuff. That's a long time to make a plan.

While I was calculating, I was also beginning to disbelieve what was going on before my eyes. My comrades, my brethren, were throwing away everything that the establishment had so graciously engrained in us. Every part of me inside says "Slow and steady wins this race." But they, oh no, they were HAULING it. Their pace was ridiculous. They couldn't do this, they were going to make their teacher mad, AND lose the race.

This made me half incredulous, half excited. A dead contestant means an easy contestant to beat. While my comrades were dashing the tortoise and the hare on the rocks, I was biding my time. I knew that they couldn't keep this up forever. They were going to fall over and die, and I was going to win.

I knew exactly what I was going to do. I was going to run my first 4 laps at a good pace, but not too harsh. And then, I was gonna bust it for the next two, and really bust it the last two. I was going to dominate, and pass them around the 2nd to last lap. THey were going to fall over, and I was going to step over their limp forms to victory.

How could I lose? The establishment was on my side.

Yeah, they lied to me. I got slaughtered. These robot boys just kept on running. I don't know how they did it. There was no mercy, they just went, and I didn't. They ran fast, but I was slow and steady.

Slow and steady doesn't win any races.

Ridiculously fast and steady, now that's where the money is at.

It doesn't help that due to the 3200 being so long and boring, I forgot what my plan was. C'mon, you guys don't realize how easy it is to get distracted. I forgot the whole "Bust it the last 4 laps" part of the plan. The "easy does it" part lasted for 8 whole laps. oops.

You know what establishment? You suck. Way to ruin my high school track career.

See, it's funny how I can make a 10 minute and 40 second race into such a long story. I'm longwinded, but I like it that way. If you don't like it, go to Russia. Maybe you can help them sabotage the United States olympic dreams with their tortoise and hair lies some more.

More to come later tonight yeah?


Nick said...

"My name's Chris. I make fun of Nick for being a downer, but I'm secretly a downer myself."

Anonymous said...

haha thatcher! it's taken you this long to realize that it's a bunch of lies? that worries me ;)

Jaron Frost said...

Haha, your stories rock! Sorry 'bout not winning the race. I've always known there was some kind of conspiracy behind it all. Arrrgh... matey... haha.