Saturday, November 25, 2006

Water - Elusive Midnight

14 days after awakening, 7:05 PM, outside the bowling alley.

It smelled terrible. Much worse than August was supposed to smell.

The crew had arrived early. After a quick briefing, the two squadrons fell into position and waited for the word to go. With another thwarting scheduled right after this one, everyone was eager to get the job done.

The radio cracked. "This is Alpha Squadron to Dainty Squadron, do you copy?"

Alpha Squadron was the good guys. Nine or so people dedicated to making sure the bad guys didn't succeed in destroying the world with the new opportunities that the changes gave them. An elite fighting crew, they were four and zero for encounters with bad guys.

Recently reassigned from Alpha Squadron, Derrick Avery was the sole member of the Dainty Squadron. Proud leader, follower, and quartermaster, he crouched behind the dumpster, glaring at the radio that just addressed him.

In his head, Derrick wasn't happy with his newfound position of leadership. Squadrons are great and all, but a name like that? What ever happened to Beta Squadron? They skipped right over Charlie Squadron, and Charlie is a very respectable squadron name!

"Yeah, I copy, I'm in position," Avery replied.

"This is important Avery, do you have the package?"

The package was a stick of ladies' deodorant. Of course he had the package.

"Affirmative, I've got the package in the cadoozle, am I cleared to proceed?"

"Ten-four. Do it Dainty, go go go!"

With a deep breath, Avery uncapped the pink stick. Elusive Midnight touched skin - the change began.


When mankind realized what had happened 14 days ago, everyone's priorities were altered. The pressing questions that Art Finnigan faced last month were rendered entirely irrelevant after the change. Your major in college doesn't matter so much when you can stretch like Gumby. Questions like, "Hey Lisa, you wanna go to McDonalds?" aren't important once McDonalds has been frozen in time by the Arby's night shift. Stuff like, "Should I date Elizabeth?" is easily answered when you bear in mind that Elizabeth just grew wings and has been turning gum into terrifying projectiles.

See? Everything was different now. The priorities and concerns of the former life were cast aside once the changes came. No man's worries were left identical to the past, no man's but Derrick Avery's.

For Derrick, the question that plagued him every morning before the change plagued him still.

When Derrick woke up 14 days ago, he went through the normal morning business. Wake up, eat, shower - pause.

For six minutes every morning for the past five years, Derrick would stand in front of his dresser and ponder the deepest and potentially most important question the universe has ever seen.

"What flavor deodorant do I wear today?" he would muse, "blue rush, silver ice, or rock hard?"

It wasn't really Derrick's fault. His mom insisted on supplying him with a variety of scents and aromas. Sometimes she even stocked his dresser with four or five varieties instead of the usual three. On such occasions, he was forced to spend even more than the monumental six minutes to debate the merits of each individual stick. Eventually he would reach a decision. Derrick knew after those six minutes, without a doubt, who he wanted to be today. Derrick wanted to be rock hard, and he smelled the part.

14 days ago was no different. He considered the pros and cons of each stick. Blue rush is body responsive, but Rock Hard, that's got easy glide AND all day protection...

A dilemma indeed. One that ultimately led to Derrick choosing Silver Ice, a moderately strong stick that, in his mind, sent the message of, "Look at me, I dare to be different". Really, it was just deodorant, get over it.

That morning as Derrick looked in the mirror he beheld a masterpiece. Where Garbage Can had hair, Derrick was ice, silver ice.

Not a coincidence. Derrick was what scientists in 100 years would finally get around to classifying as a translucite. Unlike most people, the changes that overcame him were not definite characteristics manifested on the outside. Instead, Derrick assumed the powers of his deodorant.

I remind you, mankind doesn't know who punched them in the face.

But whoever it was has a sick and twisted sense of humor.


Derrick felt the changes come over him. This was his first time applying ladies' anti-perspirant. He hardly felt that the back entrance to a bowling alley was the place to be experimenting with cross-gender deodorant application, but alpha squadron had left him with few options.

All uneasiness aside, the effects of Elusive Midnight were already becoming apparent. Derrick's vision focused to a point, his hearing tightened to be crisp and unadulterated. His form was fluid, lithe, and agile. Muscles taut and ready to pounce, he was a highly specialized ninja. He felt invisible, and, melding right into the brickwork, he might as well have been. Only the most dedicated and inspecting eye could catch him now.

It's sure a good thing the bad guys always have good ventilation systems in their hideouts, or we'd all be screwed a long time ago...

With a leap of grace, Derrick landed on the roof. Deftly removing a vent-cover, he slid in, beginning the long journey into the heart of the bad-guy's lair.


Anonymous said...

Oh my GOODNESS! You are so amazing, Thatcher. This is amazing. You have the wackiest ideas, but they just play out so well! Haha! Don't stop, whatever you do! This is brilliance...

Anonymous said...

I hate you.

Okay, not really.

Maybe "envy" is the word I'm looking for.

Gogogo Avery.


Haha, deodorant.

Courtney said...

i love it! it's amazing. something only thatcher could come up with. way to go, thatcher! ;) keep writing it, seriously.

Frissa said...

What is it?...Is this a story your writing for something or just for fun?
It is really interesting. I find myself wondering what Avery's mission is and being concerned for safety.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little late on the action, but I just dropped by to praise you and say how amazing your ideas are. Your writing makes me smile--keep at it!

Kortney said...

I like it, no matter what anyone else says ;) Keep up the amazing skills that you have. You make us all jealous!