Thursday, November 30, 2006

Water - Food Particle

Avery - In the vents

Avery was born to duct-fly. He hurried through the dusty labyrinth, drawing closer and closer to the objective. With the plan in head and secret weapon applied, he was the pinnacle of sneaky. Body responsive gel kept him moving faster and faster. Silently swimming through the ventilation he became a ghost's footprint. Quick. Agile. Fluid.

Speed and stealth on the outside- wailing lunatic on the inside.

Penetrating the bad-guys' lair with no idea of what's waiting on the other side of grate 42-B is a frightening experience. Coupled with the recent feminization of his nervous system, Avery was a total wreck. He missed Garbage Can. His hair was ugly, and he was suddenly aware of how fat he looked. Male-Avery-Brain was sparring Female-Avery-Armpit with terrifying results. First he was the fastest animal on the planet, and now he's suddenly incapable of using the restroom by himself. Things were not right upstairs.

Driven by instinct he flew on, psychologically peeing his pants all the way down.

Garbage Can - Parking lot

It didn't take long for Garbage Can to realize he had the crappiest power ever.

Hiding behind the burnt-out suburban with the other eight alphas, Mr. Can was outclassed. Captain Hadoken could fire blue balls of energy. Garbage Can was hairy. Raging Dave wore a hat while his shadow kicked people in the crotch. Garbage Can had a unibrow. Stealing October's left shoe disobeyed the laws of physics. Garbage can was a unibrow.

Mismatched capes and blue jeans bedecked the good guys. The group was admittedly diverse. Age and former social status meant nothing now. There were fat guys and skinny guys, Old ladies and Hadoken's little sister. He didn't know for certain what to expect from the bad guys, but he was willing to bet it'd be another stereotype. Bad guys were like that, no creativity. Once they had realized that the changes had turned them into what they referred to as super heroes they rushed to find the villain that most accurately represented their powers. Adopting the same costume themes and same bad-guy banter as the fictional heroes of the past seemed like great fun to them. It was old and cliche'd, but you try telling that to Professor Ownage.

A puff of smoke appeared above the building, that was the sign.

Captain Hadoken removed his sunglasses.
He paused for a moment, on the brink of an inspirational speech.

"Screw it. let's go."

"That's my kind of leader," answered Raging Dave as the squad broke cover and ran for the bowling alley doors.

Avery - Grate 41-B

Avery hadn't given the sign. In fact, there was no sign. Captain Hadoken told him to flash the sign when he was in position. Avery was not in position, but he didn't know that. Nobody told him what the sign was, and he had forgotten the difference between 41-B and 42-B. He was pretty sure Hadoken didn't even know what the sign was. Avery didn't care about signs, his shoes didn't match.

Sounds of battle echoed through the vents, shaking Avery from his female lapse of awareness. This was no time to worry about fashion, it was time to I wonder if he likes me?

His head had been doing this for the past 40 yards of ducting. He had developed a terrible case of gender A.D.D. and knew he had to take control and regain focus. It was time to break through the vent and regain the artifact. While Alpha distracted the bad guys with a frontal assault, he'd steal the penguin and things would be aeropostale aeropostale aeropostale.

Snap out of it Avery, the deodorants playing tricks on you. Get your head in the game, man!

....Maybe I could be a nurse when I grow up...

No! You're a dude, and dudes grow up to be firefighters and astronauts, not nurses! Why do I suddenly feel less proficient in math and science? Ah! No! Manly thoughts, manly thoughts. Jennifer is attractive? What?! I'm jealous of her hair? What the? I feel like baking?!?!

Avery tumbled out of grate 41-B. He scanned the room. An abandoned kitchen, definitely not his objective. He saw the door and heard the sounds of battle, beckoning the warrior within.

He took a step for hallway. There! In the corner of his eye lay his mortal enemy. The sink was overflowing with them. The dirty dishes cried out, mocking and cajoling the effeminate Avery. "Clean me, I'm dirty! I'm such a mess! I'm just going to keep distracting you from the rest of your life until I'm all tidied up. Food particles! Look at all my food particles!"

He was faced with a choice. Be the man, save thy allies. Be the bride, clean thy dishes.

Hormones were everywhere.

Garbage Can - The Battle

The bad guys had really done it this time. They stole a penguin and told the entire good guy community that they were holding a little girl hostage. Three separate good guy squads had vied for the bid, but Alpha got the job once the other two heard about the classic exploding dam routine that was going on that same evening.

The scheduling had been hectic from day one. It seemed that within moments of the social collapse everyone had aligned themselves to the good side or bad side and then teamed up with their friends to form a super-group. For a mid-sized city like Fortharm, one could expect 20 to 30 bands of bad guys and about 15 squadrons of good guys. Intelligence was spotty. Bad guys were pulling stunts to poison the water supply and blow up the sun all the time. The good guys always planned to show up right before they pulled the trigger and save the world. Battles always ensued, it was intense.

Realizing that they were outnumbered after a whole day of frantically putting out fires and tearing down sun-exploders, the leaders of each local band of good guys met together to form a confederacy of sorts. A loose affiliation at best, it provided a means of exchanging information and 'dibs-ing' your thwart for the evening. A dibs was law. Once you called a thwart as your own, you were responsible for saving the world. Anybody slips up, and, well, life as we know it ceases. It's a self regulating system.

Frankly, Garbage Can was disappointed. After about three days of creative plans to alter the environment or stop continental drift, the bad guys ran out of ideas. They were pulling stunts now just to fight, not to accomplish anything. It was a penguin! Garbage Can had seen 30 of them a month ago at the zoo! He was angry. Angry at the fact that there were two thwarts tonight and one of them was a hoax. Angry that Avery hadn't pulled through for them, angry that he didn't have a cool utility belt.

The two opposites had met in the food court. Garbage Can didn't know why a bowling alley had a food court. He punched a bad guy in the face anyways, it felt like the right thing to do.

Alpha Squadron was outgunned, it was as simple as that. It was 24 to nine, but Garbage Can thought he saw one of them mirror himself a couple times, so it was more like 21 to nine. Not discouraged, they fought on. Hadoken yelled his trademark "Hadoken!" into the night and fired Ryu's special move first to the left, and later to the right. Bodies flew, lasers flew, matching green capes flew.

Oh gosh, they actually sprung for the matching green capes. These bad guys suck.

Avery - Kitchen

Avery was shaking. He was torn between battle and food particles. He couldn't think, he needed chocolate. He was angry and happy and desperate and terrified and confused and curious all at the same time. His mascara was running, and he hadn't even put mascara on.

Garbage Can- Battle

Garbage Can was the first to see the black streak burst through the side doors. It was blurred, moving fast, and transparent. Hard to keep track of, it seemed the only definite way to determine its position was to follow the trail of falling bad guys and bloodcurdling shrieks.

Clobersaurus Rex was sneaking up on Garbage Can. Unlike most bad guys, Clobersaurus was moderately original. He hadn't stolen his identity from a comic book. He beat enemies up with a giant wooden spoon, that's all there was to it.

Unfortunately, his spontaneity ended there. He, like all bad guys, wanted to be dramatic. He was within striking distance, his prey was too absorbed in watching the blur to notice the danger behind him. He raised the spoon to strike and then thought better of it. He needed something dramatic, and hitting your opponent while his was back turned is anything but tense and glory filled. Where was the honor, the emotional power? This was a moment deserving of a great set up, this was a moment you could make a movie out of. He cast about for something, anything to make him look cool before he smote Garbage Can with his trademark stirring device.

After what seemed an eternity of search he had found it. Satisfied with his choice, he gave a sly grin. This was going to be good.

He tapped Garbage Can in the shoulder. Startled, Garbage turned around to face the spoon-ed enemy.

Smiling like an idiot, Clobersaurus opened his mouth to say the most dramatic thing he could remember.

"You want the truth? You can't handle the tru-"

He never had time to finish.

"YOU LEFT A MESS IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!" was all that was left hanging in the air where Clobersaurus' head had been a half moment before. A powerful kick from sleek and small feet had sent the late dinosaur flying through the air. A dainty shoe print was all that remained to remind the spoon-wielding villain that the last four months of his life hadn't been a dream.

Garbage Can ducked, the blur was everywhere at once. Ricocheting around the room at lightning speed and emitting accusation after accusation, it was a killing machine.


Down went another two, felled by the super natural and emotionally unstable blur.


"Alpha Squadron, fall back! This is out of our hands now, get out of here!" Bellowed the wounded Captain Hadoken. The blur was speeding up, inflicting concussion and unconsciousness for even the most minor offenses.


High pitched. Whiny. Amazingly terrifying.

Avery - Kitchen (three minutes earlier)

Three minutes before the blur rained a world of hurt on the bad guys, Avery's female side won. Trembling, he rushed over to the sink and frantically began to scrub. He picked up a pot, and the soapy surface slipped out of his stealthy hands. He looked down. They weren't stacked right. They had put dirty dishes in the rinsing side. They forgot to scrape the big food leftovers into the garbage can before they put it in the sink.


They had to pay.

Garbage Can - outside

Garbage can found him 40 minutes later lying in the dumpster. He approached the once deadly blur and began his written speech.

"Dear Derrick. *ahem* You are a dange- danger to yourself and others. You are having a terrible reaction to the deodorant. Please come home, we can take care of you and fix things."

Avery looked up at the familiar face of Garbage Can. He had always been there for him. Always stayed up late with him talking about the boys they liked. He had been a good friend, he decided he could go with him.

Garbage Can hadn't done any of those things. Garbage Can met Avery three weeks ago during PE. He decided it was better to let what was left of Avery's brain think that though, it'd make him easier to handle on the way back to base.

He carried the now sleeping hero back to the waiting van. 12 minutes till the next thwart. Avery psychologically unwell, Hadoken wounded in the leg. It was going to be a long night.


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness!!! I love it more every time! I wonder if that's how female minds REALLY work...? XD

captcha: zabmeehe?! I think that might be the ultimate evil laugh.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, it kind of is. At least, mine does. Especially the chocolate part! *drools*

Anonymous said...

teehee. So true, from what I hear/see on television. If it's on television, it must be true.

Since Jaron did it:

captcha: uaflv. That's "You da flav." It means, "You're really cool." Appropriate.