Logan Blogaday - Day Seven

(8) First day of school and I'm already failin' (8)

Happy first day of classes. They all went really well today. My first class was multivariable calc, and I'm very excited about it. My professor seems like he's going to be really helpful. I was pretty friendly and helped a few people who came in late. It looks like it's going to be super fun course material. It's essentially calculus in multiple dimensions. We took a bit of a look at three-dimensional stuff, you know, functions of x and y. Looks pretty intense. Physics was cool too, we launched right into waves right now. The professor seems pretty capable in here too. It's a fairly big lecture hall, but nothing I forsee problems coming from. The wave stuff sounded super complicated, but it's really nothing different from the sine stuff we did in calculus. That'll be fun. Creative arts was next, and that was a little crazy. I went from the rock-solid sciences to being creative. Yeah, little bit crazy, but it's alright. Professor sort of looks like a turtle.

So, a friend of mine from back home texted me today. "So, have you fallen in love yet?" Now, I've never been much of a romantic guy, but is it terrible for me to be so opposed to that idea right now? I'm having trouble wanting to make new friends. It's not that I don't like people or anything like that, I just feel like it couldn't really happen. I care about a lot of people, and that stuff is very important to me. I'm having trouble seeing the point in caring about other people just because they're cool or because they have classes with me. I'll be friendly and I'll be nice. If they need help, I will certainly be there to help them out- that's something I feel strongly about. But, I don't know. It's hard to see it happening.

I know it's something I'll have to work on. I can't go through life never caring about other people because there are already those that I care about. I just don't forsee it happening. What are the events or the things that made me start caring about the friends that I do care about? Is there any chance that those events can happen in Logan?

Maybe I'm a grumpy old man. I know that my logic here is fallacious. This can't really work out. I sort of think of my friends, the ones I really care about- as something really important to me. A big deal to me. I know that I don't ever really show that, since I'm not much of a "showing emotion" kind of guy. I think that I need friends. But I also think that I have friends. And if I don't have a fundamental need for new friends, why pursue that option? Just because a girl is cute or friendly, does that mean that I should invest my own emotion into making a "friend"? I think that's something that I really hold back on a lot- investing my own emotion. I haven't done much of it for a very long time.

That's a hurdle that I'll have to hop over one of these days. This is actually a really important topic to me right now. Something that I really feel like writing a whole lot about. But I understand how reckless that could be.

The value of this blog comes in that I have said things here that I would never have been brave enough to say elsewhere. I learn more about my own humanity by being emotionally reckless and taking a few chances.

So here I am. Am I willing to ignore the old man inside of me and go for it? Probably not- not tonight. Maybe one day I'll write the "I'm leaving on a mission for two years so I can finally spill the beans on all the things I wanted to write but never did for fear of the fall-out" post. I make it sound like I've got some secret or something, but I don't.

The situation that I'm in presents itself because of a disproportion. Some of the most important things to me in my life, the things I hold really close and dear, don't get talked about. On the other hand, a lot of things that aren't incredibly important get talked about a ton. That's an inequality, something that doesn't make a lot of sense.

And I know there are reasons that I don't talk about that stuff. One of the big reasons is because of how important it is to me. I hold it really close.

So, no secrets, just not something I share often. And it's tied to some of the stuff that I'm thinking about and dealing with now.

There's one of my friends that sorta makes me feel like a nincompoop when I talk to him. I know that that's not what either of us intended, but sometimes it just happens. I know that it's not true. But he talks about things that he knows a lot about, things that he thinks about so much more than I think about. He talks about relationships and dating and his latest exploits and all that fun stuff.

And that's great for him; I'm really okay with it. I only tell this because I know that I've lived. And I know that I'm me- and as me, I've experienced and felt important things. My life is unique and relevant. That's something that can't be taken away. So on those nights when I get the vibe that I'm just some little kid that doesn't know what he's talking about, well, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But what I've got is important. And what I've got is real. My life is a big deal.

Logan Blogaday - Day Six

Hey, back in Logan. Actually on my computer this time, how sweet is that? I borrowed a usb wireless network doober from my brother when I was home. I'm running on the apartment complex's pansy wireless stuff. It's incredibly slow, but it'll get the job done till thursday, so that's good news.

Classes start tomorrow, that's great news. I'm a little bit stressed out about stuff right now. My printer is being annoying.

So I'm not really gonna write much tonight. This might be the extent of my writing. Today really was a great day. It's nice to be at my own computer again. I think I'm going to head though. So, have a good one friends. I'll write something good tomorrow night, really. For now, I head out. Much love~

Logan (I'm at home tonight) Blogaday - Day Five

Yeah, not even in Logan. I'm at home, in the basement, typing this one up on my brother's lappy. I didn't bother to bring my computer home because I'm only here for a bit of today and tomorrow.

Classes went well today. Probably the best day of classes because it was a half-day and because we got to hear from our super cool guest speaker. I lounged about at the apartment (which I generally would refer to as home, except that I'm at *home* now) until dad showed up to take me and brad home. And then I came home.

It's 2:30. I just finished watching the American's take gold in men's basketball. This is the first olympic basketball game I've watched, but I've been very interested in how the team has been doing. I was shocked when we lostin Athens four years ago. I was pretty upset about all of that. In a way, though, I think it was very good for us. We came back with something to prove, and we proved it. I love that these guys were called the "Redeem Team". Such a sweet name. It was good to see all of them out there playing like they were. It was a pretty close game, Spain played incredibly. I'm very happy that we won though. There's nothing like representing America.

For some reason, I think that representing America is easier when you're a big team like that. I think that the individual gymnastics medals, those are a lot harder to say, "this is for America!" Yeah, you can say it, and we're all happy about it, but that's so individual. When you're a big team like the basketball team, all of you can deflect the individuality and score for America. I'm not saying that as nicely as I'd like to, but I hope you get the idea.

Tomorrow's a big day for me, and I'm excited about it. Today has felt sorta weird. Not bad, just different. Sort of like I missed a turn but didn't realize it or something.

That's something that's important to me, listening and figuring out what's important. I love blogging at the end of the day because sometimes it makes me think about what I've felt during the day. A lot of the times I'll feel like I need to do something during the day. Sometimes I'll do it right then, and other times I'll forget. Something like that happened today, and I forgot. But hey, it's 2:42, and there's something that I feel like I should do.

So I'm out, friends. Thanks for being here. This is a short post, but I feel pretty good about it. I hope you're all doing well :)

Logan Blogaday - Day Four

Hey, day four in the Logan. I suppose that day four is actually almost over. I survived day four, look at me go.

Classes seemed a lot longer than usual today. I think that was because we didn't have as much free time for lunch. Our lunch was delicious, supplied by the school, but we didn't have the usual two hour break we'd been having. That meant no raging ultimate at lunch, sad day.

This whole connections thing has been really interesting. I think they could get away with it being about half as long as it actually is. There are a ton of different sections, or classes, of connections. Something like twenty different groups of about twenty students running around campus. Me and James have been in the same section, and that's been a life saver. It's interesting because every professor has a ton of freedom as to what he or she will do for connections. Me and James have had a ton different experience than anyone else. Other sections have gone hiking. We've had lectures.

And the lectures have been informative, certainly, but it's been dragged on far enough I think. It's a great idea, but I think the execution needs a little bit of tweaking. Even just three days instead of four would be a big improvement.

I'm glad that I've been here though, absolutely. My university experience has been very interesting thus far. It's been very one sided I think. All I've seen is the honors group. It's so very interesting- I'm already signed up for honors. It's something that I decided that I wanted to do. We've spent about half the last week beating the honors thing to a very fine paste. Granted, I'm in an honors section of connections, so that makes sense. But it's like they're still trying to sell me on the idea of honors. I mean, really? I already decided to do it, I'm in. Tell me what to do. I get really scared because of how much marketing they are still doing. If honors was truly as good as they said it was, why do they have to beg and beg and beg students to do it? Why are they still worried I'm going to run away? I just wish that we could get past the "Honors is great!" point and start actually doing something. Give me a blasted 30 minute service project instead of a 30 minute lecture on why I should do honors. That'd convince me faster than anything that it was something that I ought to do.

But alas, I'm not in charge. I hope that I get a chance to evaluate what has gone on though, because feedback is always nice. I'll tell them how it is, so hopefully next year's connections can be a bit better.

But like I said, I'm glad I've been up here this week. I'm glad that Andrew wasn't here, cause it's sorta nice to try to be on my own without a big brother for a bit. I'm super excited to live with him and work with him, but I'm glad I got a bit of time to run on my own. I have a few hours of classes tomorrow and then I'm on my way home, so I'm pretty happy about that. All the ambassadors and all that suggest that you stay the first weekend up here so you can get all excited about social life, but there's a lot of incredibly important stuff waiting for me at home. Way more important than the university will ever be. So I'm homeward bound for Saturday and Sunday, hooray!

It's been cool to observe James in action throughout this connections business. He's like the golden honors student, maybe even the golden university student. He asks a lot of really good questions and cares about what he's doing. It's cool to see instructors take note of that. I like to think that I'm a pretty good student, but James is totally outshining me here. I'm totally happy with that. James obviously deserves it. I'm excited to start real school though. Real classes with actual work and learning. That's more like it.

I've been thinking a bit about physics lately. I'm really happy I'm taking a physics class this semester. I might want to minor in it, or maybe even change my major. I don't really have any solid reasons why, other than the fact that it sounds pretty cool at this point. I sort of want to be more academic, you know what I mean? We'll see what engineering is like, as well as what physics is like. One of the cool things about the mechanical engineering degree is that you can get a math minor without taking any extra classes I'm pretty sure. That's good news. We're going to see what happens.

A lot of what we talked about today seemed to be how to succeed at college. I got the message over and over again that it was mostly about cozying up to the professors and getting into extra work and junk like that. Thinking about it, that's all that I did for Junior high and high school. I worked really hard for Brough, Sharpe, and Peck in junior high. In high school I worked for Hansen like crazy, T a little bit, and then did a bunch with the seminary. I have no idea what I'm going to do here in Logan, but I'm sure I'll find something. It's something that I'm comfortable and happy to do, take on extra responsibility and all of that. We'll see where my future takes me- it's pretty wide open right now.

Yeah, I really don't have much that's pressing on my mind right now. I'm really excited to go to bed. I didn't take a nap today! I'm going to sleep really well. It'll be hard to get up for class in the morning, but I think that I'll make it somehow. It should be good, we're listening to a pretty cool guest speaker who should have some really cool things to say.

It's been nice to start meeting my neighbors and getting some friends in my connections class. I'm really looking forward to meeting more friends from more places. I really think this whole college experience is going to be great. It'll have its ups and downs, obviously. But I'm excited for it. For now, it's time for me to get to studying and then head to bed. I hope you're doing great, have an excellent time friends.

Daily Stats:
Avg. Bloodsugar: 137
Times Tested: 7
Water Consumption: One half gallon
Exercise: One short game of Ultimate, lots of walking
Milk Intake: One glass- I'm gonna go have another
Fruit Intake: Three bananas
Ramen: Yes
On Time: Five minutes late to meeting time this morning, but not important
New people met who's names I can remember: Three (four if I'm lucky. Right now I'm not lucky- it started with an A!)

Goodnight Friends! Tomorrow I post from blessed Taylorsville.

Logan Blogaday - Day Three

Hey friends, happy Thursday to you. Merry Blogaday day three. I'm at my computer tonight. I still have no internet connection, but I decided that I wanted to type it here and then transfer it over to Levi's lappy to post it. It's just a more familiar place for me. I like my keyboard, I like my monitor, and it's a lot more, I dunno, familiar. It feels more like home, and I think I'll be able to explore a little bit more tonight than I have the past couple.

Today's been good. Nothing too fantastic went on, but it was nice. I learned a few things about myself tonight. Or, well, not so much learned as re-observed. It's not a new mechanic that I saw, just something that I know I need to work on.

They have evening activities for connections. So we have class during the day and optional fun stuff in the evening. Last night was some party at the HPER field, which I chose not to go to until it was over. Tonight was some comedian with a bit of magician thrown in. Everybody went to it but me and Brad. Not sure what Brad did tonight, but I took a few hour nap instead of going. It wasn't so much a conscious choice of “I don't want to go, I'm going to take a nap” but rather that I was sleeping a bit before time to go, and then I didn't want to get up because I was already down.

It's not that big of a deal, but it's interesting to see how I start to work. I think that naturally I'm not a very extroverted individual. Seeing me in class and stuff like that you wouldn't necessarily say that though. I talk to people in class and I offer answers. I think I was fairly well known at high school. I'm not socially backwards, and I'm not saying that I am. I'm just noticing more and more that sometimes I have a tendency to stay home instead of going to be with people.

I thrive on society, really. There's something deep within me that tells me that that's where I belong. But that's something higher. The natural mechanism within me doesn't push me to be social, it pushes me to stay home and sleep. I'm not saying that this is a big deal, I'm just trying to fight it. Not huge, but something I want to get over. Because I do thrive on people, and I'm happy when I'm with them. Like I said, I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be. So, I'm going to work harder on it. Not that my loyal readers can do much about it, but if you and I ever happen to be in the same town and you know I'm at home instead of being with people, call me out on it.

So I just spent a few hours talking with my buddies about a lot of stuff. So I'm feeling a lot happier than I was a paragraph ago. I think tonight is going to be a much deeper night than the past few.

One of the recurring themes of this blog has always been my transitory nature. My ephemeral inconsistency, my many faces, whatever you want to call it. I'll think of a better title later, because all of those have a pretty negative connotation except maybe the first one. Moral of the story: I'm always curious to see and recognize and record how I change. It's very clear to me that the way I act in certain situations and at certain times changes.

I used to think I was incredibly solid and that I didn't change. I wonder if I used to be like this. I wonder if this is just something I notice because I've been trying to learn more about myself for the past several years, or if it just started happening in the past several years.

I'm not one of those guys that lives his life differently on Sunday than he does on Tuesday. And I don't think I'm one of those guys that is nice to people when they're around and then a jerk to them when their back is turned. I don't think I put on a nice show for the cameras and then be a scum-bag when I'm with my close friends. I don't want to be one of those people, and I don't think that I am. But I recognize that my actions and performance in a social setting is very different from my actions and performance here or somewhere else. My speech pattern is a little bit different, I stand differently, I think a little differently. I like to think that I sort of optimize myself for the situation that I'm in. When I need to be funny and confident, I sort of adapt and play the part subconsciously. This never happens on purpose- I don't try to do any of this. It happens.

I think that this new environment that I'm in has put me in a different mode. My post last night was very much a social post. It was meant to make people chuckle a little bit. It had very little to do with discovering myself as a person, and a lot to do with discovering myself as a machine. My statistics at the bottom of the page last night made me so happy. I thought it was so cool that I could remember that, and so cool that I was logging it. It was efficiency. I was gathering data to make myself operate better. It was one side of me- the very pragmatic side.

So last night we saw a social kind of me and towards the end a pragmatic side of me. Tonight we see a lot more of the identity side of me. The side that thinks about who he is and why he is that way and explores those topics through a blog post.

I haven't formally named and assigned all these random sides of me, and I'm not going to. That'd make me too weird I think. But it is interesting to note how it's happening. I don't quite know how I feel about it. I feel very good about the fact that I know that I'm always me. I know that I won't lose that. I know that I have integrity. But sometimes I feel happier than other times. Sometimes I make jokes; sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm really interested in math and science. Other times the most important things in my life can only be reached through text.

I'm going to wager that I'm not the only one. I think it's something that we're all going to have to deal with in our own ways. This isn't necessarily a problem, it's just the way things are I'm thinking. I'm sure a psychology major could explain it to me. And I'm not sure why I wrote all of it, other than the fact that it's something that I thought about today, and I'm usually in the business of writing stuff that I've thought about.

I studied a very tiny bit of calculus tonight. Integration by parts. I knew it real well around AP test time, and had no idea how to do it this afternoon when me and James decided to try it on a whim. So I looked it up tonight. It was a rush.

I'm very excited about Ultimate right now. I think I'm going to play again tomorrow at lunch. We didn't today, but that was probably good. We've been looking for a killer name for our intramural team. We've got a few ideas of what we want out of it, but we don't really have too many ideas that we're in love with yet. I might run a competition here to see if we can find any great ideas. I'm just really excited to compete.

We have classes tomorrow, and I'm going to make it a point to go be social tomorrow night. We have a few classes on Saturday, and then I'm headed home for the weekend. I'll be back up Sunday night. It'll be nice to get home. I think leaving will be a lot harder the second time than it was the first time, but it'll be alright. I'm really excited to start real classes. Connections is fine and dandy, but I feel a little- we're sort of going nowhere. There's not a real reason that we're here. Classes have a reason. I'm excited for that.

Hey, end of the post it looks like. I'm glad that I'm posting. I don't feel like blogaday is changing my life right now, but I'm excited about keeping the prospect open just in case it does one of these times. I love blogging. I miss my internet connection. I've heard from a couple of different people that they miss seeing me on messenger all the time. I didn't necessarily talk on messenger all that often towards the end there, but it was nice to be around and available. I'll be back to that pretty soon, a week from today I'm hoping. But, I miss being present. It's cool though, cause we're getting there. Today had its ups and downs, but I learned some stuff and moved forward on a little bit. I'm growing up, that's sorta nice. Tomorrow should be a good day.

I always end like this, but, well, that's because I care about it. Thanks for being around friends. I'm sure glad I have you. Good luck with everything. We're sometimes pretty far away, but I know we still care about each other. I like that. Goodnight friends~

Daily Stats:
Avg. Bloodsugar: 130
Times tested: 7
Sleep: 5 + 0.5 + 2.5 = 8 (weird day)
Water Intake: One Gallon
Milk Intake: 4 glasses. Not bad.
Fruit Intake: at least four bananas, probably five.
Vegetable Intake: a tiny bit of spinach from Kyle's spinach puffs. I need to find out how to get more vegetables in the diet. Any great suggestions?
Ramen: Yes
Progresso: No
Punctuality: On time to classes.
Exercise: Eight minutes of jogging + two minutes of jogging later.
Estimated bed time: 3:30
Estimated wake time: 7:45
Estimated time I'll get tired of doing these stats: Tomorrow (but I don't care, I love them for now)

Much love, goodnight friends!

Logan Blogaday - Day Two

Hey friends, merry Wednesday. Here I am, day two, blogging from my very own bed. I'm on Levi's computer tonight, because he has an easier password to memorize. James' is forever long, so there's not a chance I can remember it. They're both asleep, and they don't mind me using it at all. But still, I'd much rather be sitting at my own computer. I'm thinking I might swing by best buy or something and invest in a cheap wireless card so I can pick up what little connection there is here until we get something solid piped in. Not sure if I will though. If it's cheap, it might be worth it. We'll see. In the meantime, I'll just hork the twins' lappies, it's all good.

Okay, back to my desk, cause the bed thing wasn't working out so well.

At this point in the post I'm very excited to introduce a new feature. Ladies and gentlemen, meet "progresso soup daily update!"!!!


/thunderous applause

So, mom and I got like, five cans of progresso soup yesterday for me to eat this week. We decided to purchase five different varieties, so I could find out what is good and what makes me want to go "buh". I realized that I couldn't possibly remember all the progresso soups I'd had by the time I go shopping next week, so I came up with this brilliant plan. Every day that I have a new progresso soup, I'll review it here! That way I have a written record of what I like, and you all get the satisfaction of knowing that you're a valuable part of my dietary lifestyle these days. It's a win win situation for all of us.

Today's progresso variety was Italian-Style Wedding. I microwaved it in two separate batches since my bowl wasn't big enough for the whole can. About two minutes and thirty seconds was good enough for a half-can. I put a plate over the open bowl in the microwave, and it was a good thing I did, because the bottom of the plate had splashed soup all over it. Apparently soup likes to jump out and get everywhere when you microwave it. Penning it in is always a good idea.

The Italian-Style Wedding tasted great. Meatbals, carrots, and spinach in chicken broth is what the words on the label say, but I definitely detected some pasta-like business going on in there. A close-up of the label clearly shows what I'm talking about.

Aside from the deceit and deception that their text provided, I had no complaints with the soup. On the Christopher Thatcher Progresso Soup Deliciousness Scale, Italian-Style Wedding earns 3.5 stars out of five. The taste was very pleasant, and the presence of meatballs was a needed diversion from my hitherto unintentionally meatless college diet. And at only 70 percent of my suggested daily sodium intake, this soup was a nutritional steal!

Will I be purchasing Italian-Style Wedding again? You bet your sweet kool-aid that I will. I didn't fall in love with the soup, but I feel the same way about it as I do about Great Britain. They're not my favorite soup in the world, but I'd still rather see them get medals than China.

/End Progresso Soup Daily Update!

We played some ultimate during lunch today on the Quad with anybody that wanted to play with us. We had about 20 guys at one point, and since it was just really open, we played 10 v 10. I counted everybody off by ones and twos to split up teams. Numbers once again proved to be my long-time friend and lover by placing me, kyle, and brad on the same team. We spent the first half of lunch trading something like six of our own points for one of theirs, that was cool. They started playing a lot better once they got an infusion of latecomers, but we still came out on top we figure. It was sweet to see so many people who came by to join the game, there was a lot of interest. Brad saw it as a very valuable recruiting experience. The six guys in this apartment are all super excited about playing intramurals, but we need a few more guys to round out the team and give us the required seven plus a few subs. We took some mental notes on who played well and we got a phone number of one of the guys. We might play tomorrow, depending on how things go, and see if some of the same guys show up.

That's one thing that I'm super happy about. I don't have to make ultimate work here. We're not building something from scratch- I don't have to convince anybody to join my stupid club ;) . I can just focus on building myself as a player and helping my team get better. We've been talking, and we're definitely going to sign up for intramurals. Like I said, we need a few more guys, but we have a pretty solid team with our core right here. Me and Andrew are very balanced players, Kyle's a sweet handler and knows the game very well, probably better than any of the rest of us. Brad is just amazing, specializing in handles and living in the sky, with an emphasis on ridiculous break-aways when nobody is watching. James is a defensive brick wall, and Levi is tall, fast, and pretends to jump sorta high. Keys to success will be me and Andrew finally emphasizing in something, as well as us picking up one more athletic jumper to hold down the back-field defense.

I know that nobody else is as excited about Ultimate as I am, but I certainly like it. I know that this is just a phase, and that I won't be as excited about it in the near future, but for now, I'm going to ride this wave. I'm very excited for intramurals, it's going to be incredible. I think it'll be good for me too. Exercise and recreation is something that keeps every part of me pretty healthy- I like it.

Today was my first day of connections. It's an orientation sort of deal, but it's not too bad. I figure that most of what I learn from this week won't really mean too much to me for a while. I know that sounds super bad, but I have no idea what problems I'm going to run into as a college student. None of this bears any real application to me until I start running into stuff that requires me to use whatever cool university resources they talked to me about. So, I'm down with being here, that's cool. I just start to wonder if stuff like this wouldn't be more effective if they did it like, two weeks into class. It's not a possibility, and I know that, but sometimes things mean a lot more when you've been looking for an answer.

I mean, two weeks of suffering through something saying to yourself, "Alas, where are the band-aids?" and then having someone say that the band-aids are in the health and wellness center means more to me than just having them say that they're in the wellness center. That was a run on sentence.

This post is becoming long. But I don't feel like this post has the personal value and discovery that really justifies me writing a long post. So I think I'm going to wrap it up soon. Thanks for everything friends. I know I don't show it too often, but I appreciate the help. It's easier to get up and work hard when you know that people care about how you're doing. I want to be great for myself, but I want to be great because of you guys too. I hope that you're doing well. I know I'm limited on communication, but if you're ever lonely and need a talk, and this goes for anyone out there, feel free to toss me a text or email- I'll be friendly. Have a great night friends, happy blogaday day two.

Stat Summary/Review: Classes went well today. I was on time to everything required. We played Ultimate at lunch, and that was sweet. I had three decent meals today. Fruit intake was two bananas plus some mixed fruit at lunch. Vegetable intake was zero plus coincidental consumption from the soup. Water consumption was over one gallon, although signs still point to dehydration- probably caused by of two bouts of Ultimate, one of them in jeans, plus the incredible sodium intake. For those that are interested, my average bloodsugar on the day was 148.2, with my two week average showing as 156. Total operating sleep time was an estimated 5+1.5, coming to a total of six and a half. Current time is 1:05 AM, with a projected bed time of 2:00 and wake time of 7:40.

Logan Blogaday - Day One

Hey, welcome to blogaday day one. I said I'd do it, and here I am. Hooblay!

So, I'm here in Logan. I'm writing this on James' lappy because he's got a wireless connection and mine certainly doesn't. The connection that the apartment complex provides for us is bunk, but it's all good. It works for what we need to do for now. Well, at least for me. I can post, and that's what I care about right now. I'll still check my email every day, and I'll still get texts for certain.

Posting from the lappy at 11 PM is a whole lot different from posting from my nice and secure Stallion. I've noted before that I usually post late at night when it seems like the whole world is asleep but me. I get all super-focused and absorbed, it's really nice. This is a lot different here. There are four other guys running around the apartment. This isn't my computer. It's cool, certainly, but it's an entirely different animal. So, we'll see how that works out, yeah?

It's weird to be running around meeting people and stuff like that. I'm so new here. I've never really been *entirely* new somewhere before. I've always had some foot in the door. Someone knew my brothers, someone had heard of me, recommended me from a friend, something like that. Granted, a few people around here know my brother, but I haven't met any of them yet. I'm trying to remind myself that everybody else is moving in here today too, so they're new as well. A fair number of people are returning here from last year or so, so they're not as new, but it's still the way things go. It's been cool to meet people. I haven't *met* that many folks yet, but I've said hi to pretty much everyone I've met.

So, just played some smash brothers with the boys. Good times.

I don't have a ton going on tonight. Not too much to say. I had some really deep thoughts last night. Hopefully thoughts that I'll come back to another day.

But I'm operating on borrowed time on a borrowed laptop, so I should probably call it a night. Tonight's post exists mostly to prove that I'm actually here, doing this blogaday that I warned you about. I hope that you're all doing well. Good luck in your endeavors. Tomorrow is my first official day on my own. Granted, it's subsidized by the federal government and my kind parents, but hey, give me a break ;)

Here I go, trying to do something I've never done before. Wish me luck!

Bigfoot

So, there's all this bigfoot news and whatnot going around. After the press conference today, pretty much everybody is happy to say that it's all been bunk.

And that makes a lot of sense. I'm happy with the conclusion that the two georgians and the slimy other dude are just bs'ing the whole thing. I can accept that.

And I've never been a huge bigfoot fan or anything. But I've become more interested this week, like every other nerd in the country.

So, yeah, I'm calling it, no real bigfoot. But it's a pity, because I think it'd be pretty sweet to actually have found a bigfoot. I know I'm a bigfoot noob and all that, but still. Wouldn't it be cool? It's just something that sorta fascinates me. The idea of finding a creature that's been thought about for so long. It's like a nerd's dream come true. That's the kind of stuff that brings people together! Who needs olympics when you've got a bigfoot on your hand?

But alas, tis not so. Do I believe in bigfoot? You know, maybe. Not to steal any taglines or anything, but,

"I want to believe!"

Over There

August 12, 2008. Technically it's the 13th of August, since it's late enough. But you know I don't buy into all that nonsense. Sure, it makes the calendars run, but I'm still functioning on Tuesday. So I'm calling it Tuesday.

I don't have a ton to say right now. I'm not overflowing with ideas of emotions like I was the last few times. I do want to say, however, how much I really and truly appreciate all the comments I received on my last post. It always makes me feel good. I know it's sort of one of those shallow things, you know, feeling good because of an outward display that someone else gave- but it's still a big deal to me. I really appreciate the comments.

Life has an interesting way of moving forward. I am not where I was three months ago. This summer has been unique in a million ways. It was not what I expected. I don't regret what has happened. I understand, of course, that I have performed poorly in a few things, and that my growth has been slowed by that. Off the top of my head, I'm terrible at coming to work. I miss a few hours every day because I sleep in. I'm working in an environment where that's acceptable, but it has certainly hindered my progression. I'm not complaining, but I'm just pointing out the fact that it's less than optimal. It is the past. If I were to go back, I'd like to change that.

I just got done talking with Jason. Jason's one of those people in my life that I like a lot more than I have any real reason to. Or, maybe that's not it, since I have a ton of material to back Jason up with. He's one of those guys that I've been through a lot with. And even though he hasn't been in the core group of people I've hung out with for the past couple years, he still ranks super high on my list of people I respect.

He's sort of, disproportionately admired, if that makes sense. One of those fellows I don't hang out with or even talk to too often, but when I do, I'm just happy to be talking with them cause they're so dang cool. There's a couple of people like that in my life. Jaron's one of them (ha, good for you Jaron, since I know you're reading). I was going to actually write a tribute to Jaron earlier this summer. I might still do it, we'll have to see.

Moral of the story? I really had a great time talking with Jason tonight. I feel refreshed, and ready to go face the world. I wanna go overachieve.

And so I'm announcing that plan that I talked about in my last post but didn't announce. It's sort of a big deal to me.

31 day blogaday. August 19th to September 19th. Astute readers will immediately notice a few pertinent facts about the date range. That's the first month of my college life. Day one to day 31. It's also about 1000% more postage than I've done this summer. Recent trends in my blogging behavior wouldn't suggest that I'd be able to make it happen, but I believe in it.

See, blogging teaches me about myself. It's a tool for me to discover and learn and then to make it stick. I think that that's why I'm going to college, to learn and to grow. This is a way for me to do that. It's like taking a sandwich that's already great and then making it even greater by throwing some tomatoes on it. Yeah, college is going to teach me stuff, but blogging is going to help me learn more about it and about myself. And it's going to help me make it stick. Yes, this is going to be good for me.

So, 31 days. One month. That's the biggest blogaday I've ever undertaken. I've done a week before, I think twice. I did the 20 day blogaday marathon, which was so intense. This time around I'm shooting even higher. Do you realize that that's a twelfth of a year? That's huge. That's monumental. Ha, monumental means more to me since my last post, isn't that cool?

So, that's the plan. I hope you're happy and not upset about the decision. Thirty-one days is a very long time to blog without losing a day. So, comments are always appreciated, as always. In addition, if there's something you'd like to see a post about, feel free to make a request, and I'd love to address it. I don't think that I'll make a post strictly dedicated to that topic, but I'd really love to talk about it for a while.

Jason told me that I should do a reader request feature, so here I am. Even before blogaday, if there's something you'd like to see, I'm leaving it open in the comments here. I'll do my very best to address it. I don't really expect anything from this, but I'm leaving the offer on the table. I do love my community, as you know.

So that's the good news of the evening. Thirty-one day blogaday, I'm really just excited about it. If anyone is interested in taking the challenge and doing the 31 day marathon with me, I'd love to have a blogging buddy or two (or three, or several). It'd be a great way for us to kick off our distributed college experiences.

It's something that I'm committed to doing. I know it'll be incredibly difficult. The first couple days I might even have to blog from campus, since it'll take a bit to get the apartment hooked up with a good connection. But it's cool, I'm going to do it. I'm not sure what'll come out, but I'm excited about it. Hey, we'll take it as it comes, like we always have, right?

So, yeah. Blogaday is coming. And requests are open, if you'd like to request something. Anything else on the docket? Nah, just that I want to work harder. I want to move forward with life. It seems I've been having trouble with that lately. I just need to, you know, do it. I don't like pop culture, and I hate to use a popular term that I don't know much about, but I'm loving the "do work" idea. There's truth there, I like it.

For a post that was very limited on deep thoughts and heavy on announcements, this is pretty much the end. I hope things are going well for you all. I think we all need some help. And I think we all have a lot of help we can give each other. So, let's do it, right?

Moving Forward

Hey friends, happy Friday evening. I'm sitting downstairs in the office in my cross country sweats. It's too hot for them, but I'm doing alright. I just ate a square of raw ramen noodles, and it was delicious. I've been texting a few friends, and my gallon of magic water is sitting on the floor next to my chair, just waiting for me to drink from it again. There are a few papers on the desk, all of them a little crinkled and covered in doodles and notes for work. My PLC hat is upside down next to the spindle of CD-Rs. The four-year-plans for every engineering degree at Utah State are all sitting on top of the over-sized desk speaker. The bulky avaya phoneset is towering over my sleek black cell phone that just recieved a text from somebody I want to talk to. The cell is sitting on a pile of mail I got- a credit card application. The mail is sitting next to an empty saucer which held key-lime pie a few hours ago. There are three packets of fruitsnacks on the desk, as well as two daily to-do lists. One is crumpled up with a whole in it because I get bored at work sometimes. It was a marginally successful day. The other is in pristine condition, with 10 to-do's, all crossed out in bold sharpie. There are a few notes scribbled on it for work, and a little "100" circled at the top of the page to show how happy I was with getting things done. My big headphones are just to the right of my wireless mouse, sitting near Kyle's copy of Starwars: Knights of the Old Republic II, which I installed but haven't played yet and probably won't.

No, I'm not Jaron or Nick, but sometimes I do just like to describe things on my desk.

So, you remember graduation? I clapped the loudest for Santy. At least I think I did. I wanted to. Looking back, I hope I did. You wanna know why? Because I'm proud of him for graduating. Because for him it was actually sort of a big deal. It wasn't just one of those things that just happened for him. He had to work for it. And I admire that. Graduation means a lot to Santy, and I was very happy for him. Amidst a sea of hundreds and hundreds of names being read that didn't mean a thing to me, I was genuinely happy to hear Santy's name. All feelings of "this is taking so long..." and "congratulations, faceless graduate #304..." were gone for a few moments as I basked in Santy's accomplishment.

I don't bring that up for any specific reason, other than to point out that there's an interesting nook of personality that most of us seem to have. I love the underdog, always, and accomplishments always mean more when someone has to work for them. Regardless of the actual value of the accomplishment, when someone worked for it, I'm happy for them. Of course, It really helps that I care about Santy as a person and as a friend, and that I'm interested in his journey through life. I just find that contrast interesting, though. I was happy for Kyle to graduate because it marked a transition for him. It was a step towards the rest of his life. I was happy for Santy because of his accomplishment. Even though his accomplishment was the exact same as Kyle's, it bore more weight in my heart than Kyle's. Interesting that our relationships in life have a tendency to throw the absolute value system out the window. Fortunate, clearly, but interesting nonetheless.

I didn't come here to write about Santy's graduation. But a text I recieved made me think of it, so I decided to run with it. I'm in the business of running with ideas when I'm writing. Even if they're a bit tangential.

I think that's one interesting (do you notice that everything is interesting when I write? Reminds me of what Jaron said- maybe my eyes are smoldering too...) thing that has developed with my blogging. Regardless (I also use regardless a lot. I'll explain that later though...) of my frequency in writing, it seems that when I do write, I just let it take me. I do usually come with a vague idea of what I want to say, but it usually doesn't show up. More often, I come to write because I feel a need or desire to write, not because I have anything specific to say. I come, and I write about what comes to me.

I think that this has developed for a few reasons. I've always believed that truth is the absolute defense. I also believe that truth, by its very nature, makes us happy. That is one of the main goals of this blog, and has been since sophomore year, I think. I feel like the things that I talk about tend to be about truth. Or, at least about my pursuit of truth. They're usually about understanding myself and others. I think that's something that we don't generally get to study, and I think it's something that's important. But, if I can offer bits of truth for myself or for others through this discursive writing, why shouldn't I?

Another reason that it happens is because of a dual weakness/strength that I have. My life is a sine graph. I realize that most teenagers believe that their life is a roller coaster. The math nerd inside of me knows that it's a sine graph. It's not exactly periodic, but it does *always* come back up (or down, depending on frame of reference). But, I go through phases of motivation. I know you've all seen them, whether or not you've been cognizant of them. I recognize that sometimes I'm very excited about blogging. I want to advertise by word of mouth to get more readers, I want to write informative and humorous posts, I want to start series, I want to be on a schedule, I want to do everything. When the motivation sine graph goes down, though, my blog is forgotten.

I've come to recognize this, and I believe that my writing style is an adaptation because of it. When I come to write, I come and write what I can. This post is more or less entirely encapsulated in this evening. It doesn't require any writing or planning from before, and it makes little responsibility for me in the future. It inherits the thinking I've done for the past 18 years of my life, clearly, but that's freely available. This post exists in its entirety here tonight, because it cannot afford to count on any other existence to keep it alive. This post holds a place in my heart and in my mind and on my keyboard and monitor for this evening alone. I cannot guarantee it that place tomorrow morning, as I don't know if I will have that inner desire or urge to write.

I think that's why I write the way I do. And I'm happy with it. It is, as I've said before, the way things are. And I love recognizing that things are the way they are. Sometimes I don't do that, and that's when I get unhappy. One of my most beloved excerpts...

11:41: "Why are things the way they are? Why, because if they were any other way, we would be asking ourselves why they are the way that they are, totally ignorant of the fact that things aren't the way that they are in the world where they're not different."

That's one thing I certainly do love. Wisdom from the past. Not that the excerpt is a great morsel of wisdom, but simply that it represents a moment in my life where I learned something. Or, remembered something? Depends on how you look at it. It joined my inventory, or spellbook, or whatever vague RPG reference you'd like to make. I like that.

I think that every sentence carries a bit of a flavor with it. That one, back there, the one about the vague RPG reference- it had a negative flavor to it. Or, sarcastic, or, condescending, or a bit cynical? I don't know, but it didn't fit as well. It didn't match the flavor of the rest of the post. It's all subconscious, obviously, but it reflects the feeling and mood that I'm in right now. I don't want to say something that doesn't reflect that mood.

It doesn't require much editing, this flavor thing that I tend to do. I do it when I need to, but mostly it comes out pure. That's something I love about this writing. Purity. It's just me, writing about what I'm thinking about. It's exploration and discovery and sharing and caring about others and practice and progress and love and following and leading and fulfilling and so many things at once.

Mmmmm.

Sometimes writers leave an "Mmmmm." paragraph to be poetic, or to make a statement. I will admit that I have done that in the past. This is not the case with the previous paragraph. It exists because it's what I was thinking, seeing, subvocalizing. It's a deep (but not sharp) intake of breath, slowly accepting life into one's lungs. The last sentence, it is a step too far into the realm of abstract transcendtalism, I think. Well, at least, it's one step further than I usually go with my writing. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just not something that I'm usually in the business of doing. Some nights call for that kind of language and thinking. I believe that this night called for one sentence of it. Maybe later on it will call for more, we will see, won't we?

I wonder about readers sometimes. I've heard before that sometimes its very hard to make it through my long posts. I understand. Since I started working, it's very hard for me to make it through all the blogs I normally read. I let the personal finance blog I read get backed up to about 40 entries before I read some tonight. I understand if people don't read. And I know that these posts can be difficult to get through.

Why do I post such material, then, if it's so clearly difficult? Because I still think it's a decent thing to do. Because I'm not in the business of pleasing everybody. Because I think my posts, and these posts in particular, fill a need for me and perhaps for a few others. I like to fill that need.

Do you believe that we are destined to do things, to be things? Do you believe that that destiny wasn't ever written in stone? I feel like this blog sort of has a purpose. But, it wasn't born with that purpose. And, it wasn't created with that purpose in mind. But, because the blog has become something that is able to do something, something has destined it to do that something. Take from that what you wish. But, well, I believe it, in a way.

And it's not just about the blog, but about us, as individuals. I think that because of choices we make, we're given things to do. But I don't think we'd be given those things to do if we hadn't made certain choices. I like to think about things like this. And I like to write about them here. I hope that all this talk about things I think and things I believe doesn't bother my audience. I never really intend to put things I write about out there as fact. I'm trying to learn things, and I feel like I do that through finding an idea that I feel good about, and then adopting it as if it is true, and finding out through living if it is. If it's not, life will break the idea, and I can toss it out.

Wow, I just had a learning moment. It came through text, even. I believe that this may be the first deep post that I have been texting through. It seems to be the first one I've admitted to texting through, at least. But I think it really is the first. In any event, someone important asked me, talking about my blog, "what is it that you like about it so much?" And I gave her an answer, but it was an answer that I hadn't ever put together in words before. I said a few things, but the most important one was this: "It's like I'm preserving part of me so serve- even after I'm no longer around."

Do I believe that? Yes. I believe that I've been blessed with a lot of truth. That whatever we choose to believe in, I feel like I have some truth, and that I have the ability to share that truth. I feel like that blog is a way for me to do that. And I believe that that truth is something that helps people.

Now, of course, I'm not setting myself up as some prophet of blogging. But, haven't you heard me write so often about saying things, "as a monument to the way I'm feeling tonight"? I do it all the time. It's like I'm capturing a part of my life and preserving it. Not because I think it'll be a good idea in the morning, but because I feel like it's the right thing to do. I feel like it's a responsibility and an opportunity I have, to leave monuments to my journey through life. How do I say what I feel and know inside? If I've been given what I believe I've been given, I feel like I have a responsibility and opportunity to share it. And I feel like these monuments are, perhaps, not simply for my benefit.

I believe we're connected. I understand that there is a lot of religious diversity amongst the readership. I celebrate that. But I don't think I'll offend anyone with this. I believe that we're all very connected, and that we are not meant to journey through this life alone. I believe that we exist, in large part, to help others exist. I believe that this blog is an opportunity for me to do a little bit to fulfill the purpose of my creation.

And that's big. Really big. For more than one reason. And, it's alright if you don't believe it. But it's what I believe, as funny as that sounds. You can tell I believe it, because I've got that smile right now. No teeth, but my cheeks are pulled up a bit without me thinking about it. You can tell.

Do you ever wonder why you are the way you are? Do you wonder why you're here? And not only why you're here, but why you're here in the way that you are here? I wonder about it a lot. And I feel like I have a lot of those answers, but I also feel like there's a lot for me to discover yet. But I feel like one of the reasons I'm here is to serve. I think that's one of the reasons why I am the way I am. And there are reasons that I believe this way, that I can share with you if you'd really like. But I'd like to do it in person, if that's alright. If you're interested, you know how to get a hold of me, I do love comments.

But, well, I feel strongly about my life. And about reasons for my life. And about our connectivity. There are experiences in my life that speak a lot about that connectivity. Did you know that I've loved? And I'm not talking about a relationship, and that's something that makes me very happy. It helps me sleep at night.

And maybe that's where my writing ends for the evening. I'd love to continue, but, I feel like it may be a good idea to stop here. I have learned something tonight. Or, reaffirmed something, stronger. It's given me a greater reason to blog forth. So, I've got a plan. And I think you'll be hearing about the plan shortly. But I don't want to share the plan here, because I feel it'd be a shame to leave such a good post with a plan that might not actually come to fruition. But I hope it does come to fruition.

So, I know that I end my posts like this often, but, thanks for being here friends. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for being part of my life. I hope that you're doing well. I hope that things are okay for you. I hope that we keep being connected like we are, maybe even more.

This individual is going to take what he's learned tonight and head to bed. But I'm going to try to remember, because it's important. Life's important. Thanks friends, I'm sending that smile.

Great Start

So, happy Sunday evening friends. I loved writing my last post. It was good for me. It was a necessary catharsis. I loved knowing that people read it, too. That made me feel pretty good. My post did some good things for me, and I think that in a small way, it might have made the world just a little bit of a better place. I'm calling it a success.

So I'm back. Maybe for a while, maybe for a brief moment. I'm here for a bit of a journey. I mean that both in reference to this particular post and for the remainder of the summer. I can't guarantee you'll see much more of me here. I'm discovering that I still benefit from blogging, but I don't know if I will actually make it back here. I know I'd like to. But I don't know if it'll happen or not. I know that's not a great outlook for either of us here. But, well, I'm here now, so I'm going to take advantage of that.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. We had a big family meeting tonight, talked about a lot of stuff. It was a good meeting, and I feel like we moved forward on some issues that we needed to move forward on. The last thing we talked about was my housing payment for Utah State. I didn't do a good job being on top of stuff, and totally blanked the fact that I had a 960 dollar payment due on July 1st. So, I got a phone call from Mama Withers that afternoon asking me about it, and I had no idea. So, surprisingly enough, I didn't have 960 dollars lying around. So I'm accumulating a late fee. It's not a huge deal, but, well, it's a failure.

And that's what is getting to me here. The first payment I ever really have to make in my whole life, and I'm late on it. I'm already screwing up. And it's not so much that as it is the fact that I didn't have a realistic shot at it from the start. Before this summer, I hadn't worked for three years. I did carpet two summers, made something like 1800 bucks between the two of them. The first summer went almost entirely to building my computer. I think that was a good investment. The next summer I actually deposited in the bank, and withdrew it as was necessary. My parents payed for almost all of my high school expenditures, but the carpet money payed for the few things they didn't. I'm left with 155 dollars of that. I started working as soon as my summer free'd up. I only grabbed 39 hours of work for June. Partly because I had three weeks that were dead, and partly because I was a bit of a slacker and still have trouble putting in an eight hour day. That scored me about 450 dollars.

So, that's not 960 bucks. When I get paid at the beginning of next month, I'll certainly have enough. Of course, that's a little more than two weeks away, so pops is going to step in and bail me out on this one, and I'll pay him back as soon as I get money to do so. By tomorrow afternoon, I'll be about 500 dollars in debt to my pops. Of course, I've been in debt to my pops for my whole life, but he's never expected repayment.

Before we continue on my financial path, I want to point out that I lay absolutely no blame on my dad for any of this. I'm not at all mad at him. I think he's a great and studly man, and he's doing great things for me here. Just in case anyone had any other ideas.

And, I guess I'm not really complaining here. Even though that's what I'm doing. I just want to lay the groundwork for a few thoughts. I've failed on this one already. And, really, unless I had had money saved before I graduated high school, I would have been dead anyways. This failure extends back to the very last time I had 1000 dollars sitting in my bank account. That was a very long time ago. My fault, obviously.

Yeah, I've got a full tuition scholarship. I get a pretty hefty pell grant, and stafford loans look nice too. I scored a thousand dollars off of another scholarship, but I don't even know if I'm going to get that now. Yay for me being terrible at making phone calls. Those funds aren't available yet, so I'm stuck being 14 days late on a payment.

Add to the fact that I'm supposed to be watching Andrew's back while he's out of the country, and there are two of us that are late on that same payment. I'm not expected to pay for Andrew, but I think that had I been more on top of stuff, things would be better for him.

I'm a little disheartened by it all. Just, realizing that even if I work full time for the rest of the summer, I'm still not going to be able to reach my financial goals. Realizing that I'll be living off of someone else's dime for the next six years of my life, and there's not too much I can do about it. I mean, I've known for a long time that I wouldn't be able to completely fund my own mission. I knew I wasn't even going to get close. I was shooting for 3000 dollars of it a couple of weeks ago. I'll be lucky to get 2000 now.

So, I guess I'm just not very excited about all of that. I've been reading a lot about personal finance over the last couple months or so, and I've been thinking about frugality and all that good stuff. But, really, that's beans to actually making money. The truth is that I haven't really worked before now, and so I have no funds. I suppose I should have seen this coming, but I guess I didn't really man up to it till tonight.

And, really, I haven't manned up to it yet. When I man up to something, I feel like I can face it down, like I'm capable of doing it. I'm consigned to my fate, but I'm ready to kick it's butt. That's manning up to it. Right now I'm just whining about it.

And so, maybe by the end of this post I'll be able to man up to it. That'd be great. I can already feel a few rays of hope poking through. It's really not that big of a deal. I mean, it's a thousand bucks. It'll be payed tomorrow, hopefully, and then things'll be alright. We're calling Utah State tomorrow to see if they'll let some of my financial aid go to pay for it a little early. Chances are that won't work, but it's worth a shot, right? If that's the case, things are absolutely peachy, and I'm sitting pretty for a while. If it's not the case, well, I owe dad some money as soon as I can get some. That's not so bad.

Work is going really well. I've been averaging something like five and a half hours a day. That's not nearly the eight I'd like, but it's about what I can handle. I'm keeping track of my own hours, and so I always err to the lower side anyways. I have trouble showing up to work on time. Waking up at 8:30 shouldn't be that hard, but my motivation and willpower isn't there in the mornings. So I stumble into work late every day. I do good work though, and so I feel really good about that. I'm doing stuff that will really help us in the future, I think, and I feel awesome about that. I've been working here for a full four weeks or so now, and I'm still worth less than one sale. That means that if the work I've done makes it so we get one more sale than we would have otherwise, I've been a good investment. If my work nets two sales that we wouldn't have had otherwise, I'm a dang good investment. So, you know, I take some satisfaction in that.

My big brother gets home in nine days. That's incredibly exciting. I'm very happy about that. It'll be good to have him back in an active role in my life. I think he'll fill something that needs filling right about now.

I'm going to be an uncle any day now. Steph is going to pop out a baby soon. At the latest she'll start on Sunday, but we're sort of expecting it before then. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited about that. That'll be new for me. I've never been around a baby for longer than a minute. After 18 years of being mom's favorite, I'm about to be replaced. But that's okay, I think I can handle it. I am a big boy, after all.

I guess what's getting to me tonight is that whole concept of, "You have no chance at success. Sucks to be you." And I know that's not true, but tonight has sort of felt like that. "You want to go to school, and save 10,000 dollars for a mission? Nope, not gonna happen, not in this country, not with your life decisions." Yeah, had I thought about this eight years ago, I probably could have made it happen. But my parents and I decided that I wouldn't get a job. And, well, I feel good about how I did in high school. I feel like I did a pretty good job. I accomplished most of the things I wanted to, and I think it did some good stuff for me. I'm really upset that I didn't apply to any other schools aside from Utah State, but that's in the past now, so what the hey. I did well in high school. Whether or not I shot myself in the foot by planning to go to Utah State is a discussion for another day.

Moral of the story: I'm not going to hit my financial goals. And I'm sort of regretting a few decisions I made. But not many. And I know it's going to be okay.

Last post was sort of a beacon of love and hope. This post, not so much. But sometimes it's important to just get it all out. And, well, if I can't get it out here, where can I get it out?

I decided two nights ago that I don't want to major in marketing anymore. Just, looking at the way I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, and marketing isn't it. I guess I've been taking some crap for it lately, but it got me thinking. If I see a problem, I'd rather be the guy to say, "Alright, how can we fix this problem?" instead of the guy that says, "Alright, how can we sell this problem?" It just didn't seem to be a good fit for me.

So, back to the drawing board. I'm on this sort of pendulum thing, where I swing between wanting to do something super auspicious and nerdy, or something super super mundane and boring. I had a little bit where I wanted to be an accountant. That was definitely the extremely mundane side of the pendulum. I still haven't closed the door on accountant, but, well, I'm currently looking elsewhere.

Dak's shirt at frisbee friday had a quote from pre on the back. "To give anything less than your best is to deny the gift." Now, I'm not saying that Dak's shirt changed my life, cause it didn't. But I like the quote, and it was coincidentally on dak's back the other night. Moral of the story? I think I'm capable of a whole lot. I know it's taboo to say it, but I feel like I've accomplished a whole lot, and I think that there's pretty much nothing out there that I can't do right now. I realize that professional music is pretty much barred to me. Also dancing. Also competitive athletics. And... well, for now, I think that's about it. Oh, they wouldn't let me into space on account of the pancreas. Or fighter jets.

But, if I can go be a chemical engineer, why the heck not? Why not work in a lab coat? If I can be the nerdy statistician, why not? If I can get someone else to pay for eight years of my schooling so I can actually be the other dentist, why not? I could be a radiologist, and make bank. I could do university research, and make nothing!

So, pendulum is currently at the "shoot for the stars, little buddy!" position. I have no idea what I want to do. Chemical engineer for some reason smells good to me. Trouble, of course, is that USU doesn't have that degree. I'd have to go to BYU. I dunno, I've really wanted to go to BYU for a while now. Stupid Christopher didn't apply to BYU though. Call me arrogant, but I really think I had a decent shot at getting their smooth 1.5 tuition scholarship. I know it's probably just wishful thinking... but I could have at least grabbed full tuition, no questions there. It would have cost me about an afternoon's worth of work to fill out the app, get my interviews, and mail it all in. But I didn't, cause I was set on one thing that I'm no longer set on.

Now, Utah State looks great. Rooming with my big brother? And three of my best friends I've had since seventh grade? Yeah, that's awesome. Socially, that looks smooth. I know it's a safe environment for me there. My big brother will be looking out for me.

But, I dunno. I feel that if there's some great plan for me, I might have missed a year of it on account of Utah State. That's a little harsh. Maybe it's important for me to go for a year. Maybe I'll stay for four years, I mean, free school is free school. But, if I could go back, I'd apply for BYU. My bad.

But you know what, I think things are going to be okay. I don't plan on losing much time on my schooling. I still don't know what I want to do, but I think I probably want to end up at BYU after a mission. I've got three years to change my mind, but I'll see what happens. It'll depend on a lot of stuff. But we'll see, I guess.

You know, friends, things are going to be okay. I know I've been a big downer this post, but I'm going to be alright. I know that a lot of you are in this same position, and a lot of you are probably in less pretty situations. So you're there, saying, "C'mon Thatcher, don't even." And you're probably right. I don't wanna complain about my situation. And I hope that's not what I have done. I realize that it probably is, but it's gonna be alright. I can handle this, with some help.

I'm making good money at my job right now. Next paycheck should be pretty sweet. The best news is that by the time I get my next paycheck, the company will actually have money! We're releasing super soon. I'm so excited. I can't say too much about the company right now, because I'm still actually hitting on our google results. But, well, ask me in person. I'm really excited about it. It's stuff that really excites me.

But yeah, I'm making decent money, and so by the next time I get paid, I'm going to be doing alright for a while. I've got great financial aid, thank you government. I've got an amazing family. I've got loving and caring friends, and they've got my back. I've got guys that I respect, guys that I can joke around with. There are girls I really care about, and girls that care about me too. We're an incredible group. We're more spread than ever, but things don't change between us all. Well, maybe the shallow things change, but not the deep things. The deep things are going to remain, for a very long time.

What can a guy like me really have to complain about? Absolutely nothing, that's what. I'm gonna be alright, no questions. Sure, I have no idea what to be when I grow up, but so what? I'll grow up; I can figure it out with help. Money isn't what's important. As far as things that are important go, I think I'm the richest guy I know. Yes, I shuddered because of the cliche' too, but really, I believe it! Ha, call me a corndog, but I'm gonna be alright.

Ha, look at me go, I'm happy again. Funny what a post will do to you. I hope you're all doing well. I'm going to be setting up the AP dance soon, I hope. I'll let you know on that though.

Moral of the story? Thanks for reading my complaints for a while. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being good people. I hope you all do incredible things with your life.

Changes

It's a requirement of every journal-type blog of a teenager to have at least one post titled, changes. I've known this for a very long time. I've known this for years, in fact, and I've considered starting several blog posts with that very same beginning line. I've laughed when I've seen my friends title posts, changes. It's so typical, so expected. It's got teenage stereotype written all over it. I title my post changes tonight not necessarily because my life has been changing, but rather as a monument to this blog itself, to my teenage existence. I title it changes because I'm unsure of the future, and I feel that the title accurately captures the irony and previous foresight that has been lost.

I say the previous foresight that has been lost. What does that mean? Do you ever feel like you used to understand, but that now you don't? No, that's not accurate, that's not what I feel. Hmm. The blog, that's what this is about. For now. It applies to everything else, mostly, but we'll get there eventually. We'll start small, and expand, and maybe it'll make sense.

I used to post a lot. My posting has gone through a few pretty easily definable stages. I can classify those stages based upon my reasons for posting. I wrote all this down on a yellow piece of paper one night. I love my yellow papers. They were a substitute for posting for a while. The paper is upstairs, and I'm downstairs. I was about to write a sentence explaining how I wasn't going to go get that paper, but that I was going to just tell you what I remembered. That's how I feel tonight. But that's not the kind of person that I want to be. No. I want to be the guy that goes upstairs to get the paper. Because the paper will help me understand. And the paper will help you understand better too. The paper is a significant thing. Because I felt something that night, something significant enough for me to write it down on that yellow piece of paper. I wrote it because I knew it was important, and I knew it'd be important in the future. And what kind of guy would I be if I left that piece of paper upstairs instead of using it? Why would I leave it up there? I'm lazy, and perhaps melancholy, but I can at least respect the person I want to be and the person that I have been enough to go get it. I'll fight this lazy present, and I'll go get that paper. Oh yes, I'll be back in a minute.

A few notes, before I jump into the yellow paper. You'll notice that I'm talking very separately tonight. The difference between the me of previous times, the present me, the future me, all of that. I don't think I'm dissociative, but I do use the separate model of me to recognize the changes in emotion that accompany the transition of time. I think I first detailed this in a post my sophomore year about treadmills. Oh how things have changed since then.

Now, halfway through the sentence, "I think I first detailed this post...." I stopped writing for about an hour. I was talking to a very good friend of mine, someone that's very important to me. Because of that, things have changed a bit. My emotional mindset is not the same, and the things that I wanted to explore aren't necessarily as important as they once were. However, there are still things that need to be said. And so I'm going to say them. It's 3:18 in the morning. My sleep schedule has always been a bit messed up, but summer is taking it to the extreme. I.... want to write. So I'm going to.

I never used to use elipses. I didn't like them much. I made a theorem with Nickmo once. It said that as the number of elipses in a messenger conversation went up, the level of happiness went down. It just meant that people used elipses when they were sad more often than when they were happy. I use elipses to represent moments when I don't exactly know. I like to recognize those moments, almost cherish them. I love the idea of not having words to say, or not knowing exactly what I want to say. I sort of celebrate moments where I simply don't know. There's a word for it that I'm looking for. Unsure. No, that's not it, but it's close. It's not a bad feeling. It usually happens when I'm trying to explain something to someone. Something that's important to me, and something that I mostly understand inside, but that I can't communicate well. It doesn't frustrate me at all. It's like it's a little challenge. I've recently come to really appreciate the elipses because it lets me not know, and it's okay not to know. It's okay to not understand and to not be able to always communicate exactly what you mean. It's okay to be impractical and imperfect sometimes.

One of my favorite things of writing at night is not seeing exactly what i type on screen. I can see it, but my contacts are out, and I'm leaning farther away from my screen in my chair, so I can't see characters all that well. I can still generally feel when I've typed a word wrong, but I know that I've got an "I" up in this paragraph that's not capitalized, and I'm not going back to fix it. I could barely see it, and I suspected that something was wrong, but I sorta let it slide. That's how it goes at night. Mechanics stop mattering so much. It's more about communicating what I feel, and not so much about worrying what everybody is thinking of it.

Now, I understand that not many people read this much. Ding, that's another one of those things that every single teenage blog has to have. I've written it numerous times, in numerous posts. I'm writing it again, so sue me. But I am cognizant of that fact.

My blog has always been a parallel to my life. I love that. It lets me understand me better. It teaches me lessons about me that I didn't know needed to be taught. It's a thing of beauty. I love that I have my blog.

I've been wondering lately if I will keep the blog up. I remember that I commited to write in it at least until I left on a mission. I feel off the bandwagon. I think i had two posts last month. I haven't had a month that low since the very beginning, if I recall. But, what would I do if the need to blog vanished? What if the benefit of blogging went away? What if I would be better off not doing it, and the community would be better off without me writing? What would happen then? Would it be prudent for me to keep up my commitment? What if the facts changed, so it would be wise to not keep my commitment? Would I break it, should I break it?

Now, that's not the question that's on my mind. But, it's an interesting idea. Just because I made a commitment to myself, on this blog, that I would keep blogging, does that mean that I shouldn't take into considering changing factors?

I love my blog. It's been a big part of my life. It's been such a great tool for me. It has helped me get to where I am right now. But I don't know what its future will be. Unless I do something, there's a good chance that it will lie dormant until I got to college. This summer, well, there's less time in the evenings to blog. I used to hunt for things to write about. Now I don't think about it. I'm writing tonight because Jaron and Nate mentioned that not many people had been writing. That means me.

I'm very stream of consciousness tonight, as I've always been. I seem to be moreso than usual though. It's, well, the way things are.

I guess my question is, "who do I want to be?" It's a question I'm always asking myself. It's something that I'm always moving towards, an answer, whether I'm thinking about it or not. Every choice moves me in a direction. Is this the person I want to be? Is this the person I should be?

There are a million good choices out there. I think that blogging is a good choice. But is it the best choice? Tap dancing could have probably been a "good choice" for me back in the day. Maybe I would have been good, maybe it would have taught me something. But I didn't do it, and I'm okay with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, just because it's good, doesn't mean that it's something that I have to do. Doesn't mean that I can't do other good things.

This doesn't mean that I'm retiring. I dont' want to do that right now. I don't want to do that for a while, in fact. It's just, something I'm thinking about. I guess I'm thinking about the reality of change. The reality of moving on, letting things go, and accepting what's new. I've been having a bit of trouble with that lately. I haven't had any problem letting go of being graduated from highschool. I've just had trouble with how that has changed my social status. When I'm with my big group of friends, things are different. That's for a couple reasons, obviously. Relationships, graduation, the fact that we're no longer compelled to be together all the time, etc. etc. But it's change, and I don't know how I feel about it.

There's a good John Mayer song. It says, "Say what you need to say" about a million times. I don't know how I feel about the song, it's a little repetitive for me, but I love the message behind it. I don't like the way those commas worked out last sentence. But I'm not going to go back and change it, because I don't really believe in going back to change what i've written here tonight.

But, anyways, say what you need to say. I believe it. Maybe I haven't been doing enough of that lately.

You know, there are a lot of people that I just really care about. I wrote one of my really good friends a pretty extensive note this week, and that felt really good. I really enjoyed that. It's just, weird, I suppose, to care about so many people. I think that culturally, at least in my life, I've been sorta shown and told that we generally are supposed to care about only one or two people. That our interests narrow, as time goes on. But that's weird to me. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just want to say that I care about a lot of people. And, well, I don't know what to do about that. That's all.

You know, it's 3:34 Am. I wonder if anybody ever wakes up in the middle of the night and is like, "I wonder what Thatcher is doing right now..." and then they wake up the next morning to find out that I'm sitting here, in my chair, thinking about stuff. I don't assume that it's ever happened, and I'm not bold enough to guess that it ever would. I just thought it was interesting. What is everybody else doing, right now? It's 3:34 AM. I bet most of my friends are in bed, and I think that's way cool. I hope they're doing well.

There's been no shortage of relationshipping among the group. That has its ups and downs. But it's interesting to note that you don't stop caring about everybody else just because you've been relationshipped. You're not absolved from anything. There's no magic potion. I guess I didn't really assume that there would be, and I don't know what I'm saying with this. I dunno, I'm just thinking of my friends, how they're doing at 3:38 AM. Going through, caring about them all, not just the one or two. And I think that's the point. The relationship thing hasn't changed much about the way that I feel about all my friends. I'm still concerned about them. I know it wasn't much, or it wasn't a big deal, but I always felt a bit of ownership or responsibility for the girls in the group. Ownership could get me slapped, but what I meant to say was that I always felt that I had at least a little bit of a leadership role most places I went. In the social circle, it might have just been my ego, but I sorta saw myself as a bit of the leader. As such, I cared about and sorta felt like I had to take care of people. Not like, had to take care of them, but it was there. Well, that hasn't changed. I still feel that concern for the people, still want to know how they're doing, still hope they're doing well. Being relationshipped, it feels like everyone's perception has changed. Now it feels like people think I'm only caring about one person, but that's just not true. Huh, I dunno why I typed all that. But I guess I felt like it was a decent thing to do, so I did it.

You can tell that my writing style has changed a lot in the past couple of minutes. I began this post incredibly philosophically. I was ready to dive in and explore some feelings I haven't typed out or vocalized all summer. But, now I'm sorta sleepy, and I got pretty affectionate just thinking about my friends.

For the record, I think we dominated at high school. I just want to point that out.

It's like I'm writing to a big group of you. I'm even feeling that way enough to write "you". But, that's probably not true. I don't know who I'm writing to. I usually write to a specific person when I write. It's usually a girl. It varies, of course. I know exactly which girl I think I'm writing to tonight. I don't know if she'll ever read it, but I know who I'm writing to. Isn't that weird? I bet Nick doesn't think so. I love that I know Nick will read, eventually, maybe. He's always a good guy, chiming in.

Anyways, I'm starting to sound like drunk fellows off of cartoons. Not that I'm drunk, or feeling disabled at all, but I'm typing and writing a little weird. I could go on, but I don't know if I need to. I don't know if it'd be good for me or good for the community. I love that I can say community. I love that what I do has a bit of an impact. Maybe it's tiny, maybe it's small enough to be negligible, but I don't believe that it is.

I guess, I just don't understand some things. I don't understand why I feel the way I do about certain things. But I'm glad I do, that's for certain. Maybe I'll write more. Maybe I'll finish what I started thinking about. But, hey, for a post that started off a little angsty, it has ended up very happy. I love my friends. And I care about them, and I hope they're doing well. And I want to do a better job showing that, and doing what I can for them. Because they're good people, and they're important to me, and I care about them.

Well, 3:46, it's time for me to head back upstairs and get ready for bed. Peace and love friends. I feel humble enough tonight to say that I'd love a comment. I really would. But I'll understand if you don't.

Thanks for everything, all of you who are out there. I hope you know who you are. I'm sending you a smile. Ha.

Cleaning up so Well

Hey, happy Father's day. I've got a post I could write about my dad, and I think I might sometime soon. But for now I just want to free-write a little bit, like I usually do.

My computer is in the basement now, since I'm going to be working for my brothers. This has its ups and downs. Last time I had my computer down here it changed my computer habits significantly. I spent less time on the computer because it was in a more remote location and there wasn't enough room for me down here. We've rearranged, so things are nicer this time around. I'm still set up so I can migrate my computer back upstairs with relative ease if I want to. I haven't decided if I want to commute with my computer or not. The moral of the story? I'm in a new location, and it always feels a little different typing in a new location.

I got back from PLC on saturday. PLC is Priest Leadership Conference, and it's pretty intense. I could go on for a really long time about what happened there, because it was pretty cool, but I don't think that I'm going to. The important thing to know about PLC is that it's something that is very inspiring to me. I've been to PLC three times- once as a participant, and twice as a leader. My participant year changed a lot of things for me. I was already a good kid and a hard worker, I felt, but it did a lot to motivate me to work harder in a lot of things, specifically cross country and blogging. I credit PLC with making me love cross country that summer between sophomore and junior year.

One of the biggest and most important parts of PLC is the flight plan. We have lessons about setting effective goals using the SMART method. It's the same method that's taught in adult roles at Taylorsville, but it's taught with a lot more power and practicality at PLC. We're then asked to think about it, and establish five or so goals that meet the criteria of SMART. They've got to be checked off by an adviser before they're signed off.

Now, this year we didn't do a good job as a staff at pushing the flight plan. When I write up my post-PLC report for the bigwigs, I'm going to be sure to mention it. The important thing to note, though, is that my flight plan for my participant year legitimately changed things for me. No questions about it, my flight plan made me a better person.

And so I'm working on writing my flight plan for this year. I didn't want to do it at PLC because I wanted more time to sit and think about it, to really establish what I want to do.

See, I know that my life is a sine graph. I've got ups and downs for everything, as I think all people do. Motivation is one of those things. At this point, I feel very motivated and capable of moving forward. I want to ensure that I am moving forward in the right things, however. I have a bit of a fear of commitment, and I know that making these goals is a pretty big commitment. I'm ready to work very hard at whatever I decide to work hard on, so I'm making sure that I make good choices.

I'm at a stage in my life where I can do a lot of things. The actions I take now will affect what happens in the future. The field is wide open here. This realization means two things. The first is that I'm in charge of my own destiny. The second is that action now means reward later, whereas inaction means nothing. Any action, even if it's not the perfect choice for me is better than no action.

And by action I mean taking steps to learn a new skill, to get better at something, to make some money, to work at anything. I'm thinking about investing in myself here. That's what I mean by action.

So I've had some ideas tossing about. I'm really thinking about committing to being on time to work every single day. I'm terrible at being tardy, and it's something I'd like to work on. Things are in the basement, so it's not hard to get here. The trouble is that my big brother is my boss, and things have been pretty lax in the past. It would be very easy to not worry about being strictly on time. I think that being on time so consistently would send a good message though, and bring quite a few benefits to the company. It's hard work that's not essential, but it might be a good idea. I'm not one hundred percent that it'll make the final list, but it's definitely a good contender.

I've thought a lot about public speaking lately too. I spoke in church the other day, and afterwards one of the guys in the ward invited me to go to toastmasters with him and one other guy. He's a motivational speaker/trainer, and so I listened up when he started talking to me about it. Apparently toastmasters is some nationwide not-for-profit organization that teaches public speaking stuff. I did some research, and it looks pretty cool. It's all group-run it looks like, and wouldn't cost me much. The guy I talked with told me that as a professional speaker, that's the best training he's ever got, and that's how he gets better. So I'm looking into going with them whenever I get the chance. I figure I'll always be speaking, just by the nature of the person that I am, so I think refining the skill would be a good idea.

So that's what really started me thinking about refining my skills this summer. Toastmasters is entirely out of my comfort zone, but it's something I feel like I want to do. I think I might set the goal to get out to toastmasters every chance I get. It'd be a weekly commitment, and I'd have to take a few hours off of work to be there (not a big deal). Toastmasters is a pretty good contender for the list.

One of the biggest things I've been thinking about has been blogging. For as much thinking and writing I do about blogging, I don't do as much blogging as one would expect. I made it a goal on my first flight plan to post once a week during that summer. I hit that mark, and I continued that minimum for a long time. Before my senior year, it was rare that I'd miss posting at least once a week. I've been much more spotty lately, but I'd be interesting in setting another goal like that. I don't want my personal blog to die.

I've been thinking about starting a professional blog as part of my skill refining work. Being able to write effectively is something that I've always been interested in doing. For a really long time, I've seen having an effective blog as a big part of what I want to do in order to be successful in the way I want to be successful. It really just seems to fit with my personality and current career goals.

So I want to start a professional blog, and I think it'd be good for a few reasons. The first is that blogging and writing professionally is something that I'm not that good at, and I'd like to start practicing now so I can gain the skill. The second is that I could learn more about a certain topic if I chose to blog about it. If I chose to blog about personal fitness, for example, I'd obviously have to research and experiment in order to make it work. Gradually, I could become an expert on what I wrote about. As a third reason, I think that having a blog would increase my net worth. I think it could help me career wise. It'd be a good way for me to market myself, I feel, and it could potentially help me make helpful connections.

Now, all of that is just incredibly wishful thinking, I know. I'd probably have a pretty terrible blog at the start. A professional blog is a whole lot different from a personal blog like this one. The fundamental ideas are the same, I suppose, but the writing style and relationship with the audience would be a lot different. It'd be something I've never done before, and so it'd take some practice to make it work out. I'd have to find a topic, and then experiment with lots of stuff to try to make things fly. I talked with my brother Michael about it, as well as Nickmo, and I've got a few ideas that I might want to try.

So it's not a guarantee, but if I do decide it's what I want to do, I feel like I'm ready to give it a serious shot. If it makes the flightplan, you can count on me working at it for at least the summer. Serious blogging is a skill I'd like to develop, and I feel like this is the best way for me to do it.

If I do go for it, I'm thinking that the blog will focus on my quest to understand business. I use business as a filler word for a lot of things, "That pizza was good business!" but this time I actually mean business. Like, "I'm majoring in business!" business.

So, yeah, that might just be forthcoming in the near future. No matter what happens, I'm going to be doing a better job keeping up with the personal blog. It's important to me, like I've always said. Me and James talked about the blog for a few moments at PLC, actually. He said that my posts lately haven't been as fulfilling, because they are lacking the insight that my sophomore year posts had. I interpret this to mean that I'm talking less about ideas and feelings, and more about solid business. I think that my writing had value because I was really trying to understand the world around me, pondering and all that. So I'm going to make an attempt to come here and write more often, and to write with a little more quality.

Life's a little different now, but the basic principles that have always governed success are going to continue to govern success.

I'll be honest- I'm always very wary of success. There are things in my life that are very important to me. My spirituality is one of those things. I always worry that as I strive to be successful in this world of men, I'm going to forget what is really important. I'm going to write in the near future about success. But, well, I don't want to be one of those guys that chases something his whole life and isn't fulfilled. I know what brings me personal fulfillment, and success isn't it.

But that's not to say that success shouldn't be pursued. It just means that I need to work hard to remember what's really important. It's something that I don't want to lose sight of this summer, or anytime for that matter.

As things change, like they're doing now, it's important for me to keep that focus. I feel very motivated right now to move forward with my life. I just hope that this stuff doesn't distract me from what's important.

Anyways, that's my freewrite for the evening. I'm going to work to post more often here, like I said. Let me know what's going on, friends. I'll catch you all later, I hope you're doing well.