Monday, August 25, 2008

Logan Blogaday - Day Seven

(8) First day of school and I'm already failin' (8)

Happy first day of classes. They all went really well today. My first class was multivariable calc, and I'm very excited about it. My professor seems like he's going to be really helpful. I was pretty friendly and helped a few people who came in late. It looks like it's going to be super fun course material. It's essentially calculus in multiple dimensions. We took a bit of a look at three-dimensional stuff, you know, functions of x and y. Looks pretty intense. Physics was cool too, we launched right into waves right now. The professor seems pretty capable in here too. It's a fairly big lecture hall, but nothing I forsee problems coming from. The wave stuff sounded super complicated, but it's really nothing different from the sine stuff we did in calculus. That'll be fun. Creative arts was next, and that was a little crazy. I went from the rock-solid sciences to being creative. Yeah, little bit crazy, but it's alright. Professor sort of looks like a turtle.

So, a friend of mine from back home texted me today. "So, have you fallen in love yet?" Now, I've never been much of a romantic guy, but is it terrible for me to be so opposed to that idea right now? I'm having trouble wanting to make new friends. It's not that I don't like people or anything like that, I just feel like it couldn't really happen. I care about a lot of people, and that stuff is very important to me. I'm having trouble seeing the point in caring about other people just because they're cool or because they have classes with me. I'll be friendly and I'll be nice. If they need help, I will certainly be there to help them out- that's something I feel strongly about. But, I don't know. It's hard to see it happening.

I know it's something I'll have to work on. I can't go through life never caring about other people because there are already those that I care about. I just don't forsee it happening. What are the events or the things that made me start caring about the friends that I do care about? Is there any chance that those events can happen in Logan?

Maybe I'm a grumpy old man. I know that my logic here is fallacious. This can't really work out. I sort of think of my friends, the ones I really care about- as something really important to me. A big deal to me. I know that I don't ever really show that, since I'm not much of a "showing emotion" kind of guy. I think that I need friends. But I also think that I have friends. And if I don't have a fundamental need for new friends, why pursue that option? Just because a girl is cute or friendly, does that mean that I should invest my own emotion into making a "friend"? I think that's something that I really hold back on a lot- investing my own emotion. I haven't done much of it for a very long time.

That's a hurdle that I'll have to hop over one of these days. This is actually a really important topic to me right now. Something that I really feel like writing a whole lot about. But I understand how reckless that could be.

The value of this blog comes in that I have said things here that I would never have been brave enough to say elsewhere. I learn more about my own humanity by being emotionally reckless and taking a few chances.

So here I am. Am I willing to ignore the old man inside of me and go for it? Probably not- not tonight. Maybe one day I'll write the "I'm leaving on a mission for two years so I can finally spill the beans on all the things I wanted to write but never did for fear of the fall-out" post. I make it sound like I've got some secret or something, but I don't.

The situation that I'm in presents itself because of a disproportion. Some of the most important things to me in my life, the things I hold really close and dear, don't get talked about. On the other hand, a lot of things that aren't incredibly important get talked about a ton. That's an inequality, something that doesn't make a lot of sense.

And I know there are reasons that I don't talk about that stuff. One of the big reasons is because of how important it is to me. I hold it really close.

So, no secrets, just not something I share often. And it's tied to some of the stuff that I'm thinking about and dealing with now.

There's one of my friends that sorta makes me feel like a nincompoop when I talk to him. I know that that's not what either of us intended, but sometimes it just happens. I know that it's not true. But he talks about things that he knows a lot about, things that he thinks about so much more than I think about. He talks about relationships and dating and his latest exploits and all that fun stuff.

And that's great for him; I'm really okay with it. I only tell this because I know that I've lived. And I know that I'm me- and as me, I've experienced and felt important things. My life is unique and relevant. That's something that can't be taken away. So on those nights when I get the vibe that I'm just some little kid that doesn't know what he's talking about, well, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But what I've got is important. And what I've got is real. My life is a big deal.


Fluffy said...

Thatcher, I miss you quite a lot. I hope you know that. Anyways, that was a super good post. It was probably the best one that I've read so far from your blogaday. I know that sometimes you don't think you're writing anything crucial for your blogaday, but know that I really enjoy hearing about your day to day life. Good luck with classes, friends, and everything else. :)

Kortney said...

I would definitely agree with Melissa. I really enjoyed your post and I can really agree with you on some of it because i'm not at home either. School isn't the same, and the people aren't quite like our friends. They are good people, and I know that. It just makes me miss how things were. Good luck with things. Know that you're not the only one feeling that way.