Friday, August 22, 2008

Logan Blogaday - Day Three

Hey friends, happy Thursday to you. Merry Blogaday day three. I'm at my computer tonight. I still have no internet connection, but I decided that I wanted to type it here and then transfer it over to Levi's lappy to post it. It's just a more familiar place for me. I like my keyboard, I like my monitor, and it's a lot more, I dunno, familiar. It feels more like home, and I think I'll be able to explore a little bit more tonight than I have the past couple.

Today's been good. Nothing too fantastic went on, but it was nice. I learned a few things about myself tonight. Or, well, not so much learned as re-observed. It's not a new mechanic that I saw, just something that I know I need to work on.

They have evening activities for connections. So we have class during the day and optional fun stuff in the evening. Last night was some party at the HPER field, which I chose not to go to until it was over. Tonight was some comedian with a bit of magician thrown in. Everybody went to it but me and Brad. Not sure what Brad did tonight, but I took a few hour nap instead of going. It wasn't so much a conscious choice of “I don't want to go, I'm going to take a nap” but rather that I was sleeping a bit before time to go, and then I didn't want to get up because I was already down.

It's not that big of a deal, but it's interesting to see how I start to work. I think that naturally I'm not a very extroverted individual. Seeing me in class and stuff like that you wouldn't necessarily say that though. I talk to people in class and I offer answers. I think I was fairly well known at high school. I'm not socially backwards, and I'm not saying that I am. I'm just noticing more and more that sometimes I have a tendency to stay home instead of going to be with people.

I thrive on society, really. There's something deep within me that tells me that that's where I belong. But that's something higher. The natural mechanism within me doesn't push me to be social, it pushes me to stay home and sleep. I'm not saying that this is a big deal, I'm just trying to fight it. Not huge, but something I want to get over. Because I do thrive on people, and I'm happy when I'm with them. Like I said, I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be. So, I'm going to work harder on it. Not that my loyal readers can do much about it, but if you and I ever happen to be in the same town and you know I'm at home instead of being with people, call me out on it.

So I just spent a few hours talking with my buddies about a lot of stuff. So I'm feeling a lot happier than I was a paragraph ago. I think tonight is going to be a much deeper night than the past few.

One of the recurring themes of this blog has always been my transitory nature. My ephemeral inconsistency, my many faces, whatever you want to call it. I'll think of a better title later, because all of those have a pretty negative connotation except maybe the first one. Moral of the story: I'm always curious to see and recognize and record how I change. It's very clear to me that the way I act in certain situations and at certain times changes.

I used to think I was incredibly solid and that I didn't change. I wonder if I used to be like this. I wonder if this is just something I notice because I've been trying to learn more about myself for the past several years, or if it just started happening in the past several years.

I'm not one of those guys that lives his life differently on Sunday than he does on Tuesday. And I don't think I'm one of those guys that is nice to people when they're around and then a jerk to them when their back is turned. I don't think I put on a nice show for the cameras and then be a scum-bag when I'm with my close friends. I don't want to be one of those people, and I don't think that I am. But I recognize that my actions and performance in a social setting is very different from my actions and performance here or somewhere else. My speech pattern is a little bit different, I stand differently, I think a little differently. I like to think that I sort of optimize myself for the situation that I'm in. When I need to be funny and confident, I sort of adapt and play the part subconsciously. This never happens on purpose- I don't try to do any of this. It happens.

I think that this new environment that I'm in has put me in a different mode. My post last night was very much a social post. It was meant to make people chuckle a little bit. It had very little to do with discovering myself as a person, and a lot to do with discovering myself as a machine. My statistics at the bottom of the page last night made me so happy. I thought it was so cool that I could remember that, and so cool that I was logging it. It was efficiency. I was gathering data to make myself operate better. It was one side of me- the very pragmatic side.

So last night we saw a social kind of me and towards the end a pragmatic side of me. Tonight we see a lot more of the identity side of me. The side that thinks about who he is and why he is that way and explores those topics through a blog post.

I haven't formally named and assigned all these random sides of me, and I'm not going to. That'd make me too weird I think. But it is interesting to note how it's happening. I don't quite know how I feel about it. I feel very good about the fact that I know that I'm always me. I know that I won't lose that. I know that I have integrity. But sometimes I feel happier than other times. Sometimes I make jokes; sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm really interested in math and science. Other times the most important things in my life can only be reached through text.

I'm going to wager that I'm not the only one. I think it's something that we're all going to have to deal with in our own ways. This isn't necessarily a problem, it's just the way things are I'm thinking. I'm sure a psychology major could explain it to me. And I'm not sure why I wrote all of it, other than the fact that it's something that I thought about today, and I'm usually in the business of writing stuff that I've thought about.

I studied a very tiny bit of calculus tonight. Integration by parts. I knew it real well around AP test time, and had no idea how to do it this afternoon when me and James decided to try it on a whim. So I looked it up tonight. It was a rush.

I'm very excited about Ultimate right now. I think I'm going to play again tomorrow at lunch. We didn't today, but that was probably good. We've been looking for a killer name for our intramural team. We've got a few ideas of what we want out of it, but we don't really have too many ideas that we're in love with yet. I might run a competition here to see if we can find any great ideas. I'm just really excited to compete.

We have classes tomorrow, and I'm going to make it a point to go be social tomorrow night. We have a few classes on Saturday, and then I'm headed home for the weekend. I'll be back up Sunday night. It'll be nice to get home. I think leaving will be a lot harder the second time than it was the first time, but it'll be alright. I'm really excited to start real classes. Connections is fine and dandy, but I feel a little- we're sort of going nowhere. There's not a real reason that we're here. Classes have a reason. I'm excited for that.

Hey, end of the post it looks like. I'm glad that I'm posting. I don't feel like blogaday is changing my life right now, but I'm excited about keeping the prospect open just in case it does one of these times. I love blogging. I miss my internet connection. I've heard from a couple of different people that they miss seeing me on messenger all the time. I didn't necessarily talk on messenger all that often towards the end there, but it was nice to be around and available. I'll be back to that pretty soon, a week from today I'm hoping. But, I miss being present. It's cool though, cause we're getting there. Today had its ups and downs, but I learned some stuff and moved forward on a little bit. I'm growing up, that's sorta nice. Tomorrow should be a good day.

I always end like this, but, well, that's because I care about it. Thanks for being around friends. I'm sure glad I have you. Good luck with everything. We're sometimes pretty far away, but I know we still care about each other. I like that. Goodnight friends~

Daily Stats:
Avg. Bloodsugar: 130
Times tested: 7
Sleep: 5 + 0.5 + 2.5 = 8 (weird day)
Water Intake: One Gallon
Milk Intake: 4 glasses. Not bad.
Fruit Intake: at least four bananas, probably five.
Vegetable Intake: a tiny bit of spinach from Kyle's spinach puffs. I need to find out how to get more vegetables in the diet. Any great suggestions?
Ramen: Yes
Progresso: No
Punctuality: On time to classes.
Exercise: Eight minutes of jogging + two minutes of jogging later.
Estimated bed time: 3:30
Estimated wake time: 7:45
Estimated time I'll get tired of doing these stats: Tomorrow (but I don't care, I love them for now)

Much love, goodnight friends!

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