Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Can't change your colors

I'm in a very odd mood tonight, but I've accomplished something very important that I've wanted to do for a really long time. I finally backed up all my blogs. I copy/pasted everything I've written, plus all the comments I've gotten up to the last post. 485 pages. 187297 words.

Granted, there's alot of words that are the date, the title, and the "anonymous said.... blah blah blah" but that's still a considerable number of words. This blog means so much to me, it's got so much of my being splattered all over it. I would be terribly terribly heartbroken if I lost it. Therefore, I'm taking steps to preserve it. Hooray.

I've got alot to talk about. I've even got another Life Theory I could bust out. Tonight is not the night for that. I wish that it was, but tonight is the night for something else.

You can't change your colors, my van taught me that today. You vacuum out the crap and put a pretty bow on it, and it still does unpredictable things when you push the pedal. I can paint it orange, but it's still my van, and it still squeals.

We're sorta like that. Sometimes we try to put a new coat on to be something that we're not.

All vieled ideas and concepts aside, this one goes out to Jaron.

I don't agree with your decision to stop posting deep thoughts. I think you ought to write. I don't know the reasons that you decided to quit writing the stuff that we all love to read, and the stuff that seems to be good for you to write. Whatever the causes, I think it deserves another look.

Because really, you're a great writer with alot of insight to offer me and the rest of the world. I want to be able to learn from what you write, and it's hard to learn from the casual daily news.

I think you ought to write. Fly free.

But you're the one in charge, so it's your call. Just know, I think you ought to write.

Really really weird mood tonight. Half mournful, half respectful. It's a mood where my eyebrows are lowered, but my imprint on the world is thoughtful. It's a mood where I miss a few forgotten friends. It's a mood where I miss lost opportunities, a dream where I cry out for the courage to say "Hey" to the people I really wanna say it to.

'Not talking about any girls that I have liked, or do like. Don't get me wrong here, this isn't an emo post. This is just me thinking things that should have been thought about ages ago. It's a safe bet that my bloodsugar is a billion. That's what happens, that's what insulin is for. Gotta fix it, be right back.

I wish it was raining right now. I love night rain. It's spectacular.

What do I want right now? Can I be totally honest?

Throw it out the window. I don't want romance right now. Glasses.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Glasses

Here's the trouble. Here we are, right now, and we can only think from where we are now. We can think back to the past, and forward to the future, but we can only think from here. We cant step back to 5 years ago and think forward to the future. Nope, we're stuck thinking from this frame of reference.

So, let's say that hypothetically I needed to make a choice about what to do next saturday. Here I am, tired, my feet hurt, and I don't want to go outside ever again. I know that tomorrow that'll change, but I can't think from tomorrow, I'm thinking from right now.

So I'm wearing today's glasses. Some days they're happy go lucky glasses, and other days they're not. That's trouble. Cause we make decisions that have an impact for a very long period of time based on how we feel today. Today's glasses could mess me up.

What do I want right now?

I want someone to help make their life better. I want to fill a gap in someone's life and help them out of a tough time. I want to give them a hug and tell them that everything's going to be alright. I want to beat up all the bad guys, and stand up for my little sister.

Like I said. Weird mood tonight.

But that doesn't change the fact that it's here, that it's real. So what if it's a whack night that only happens once a year? Tonight, this is how I feel. These are the glasses that I'm wearing, how do I look?

I guess it's time for me to retire for the evening. I wonder if this makes sense, but at the same time I know that it does. I don't want pity or 'hope you get feeling better' comments tonight. I want rain, and me and her.

Her isn't a particular person, no theories. It's not romantic, it's something entirely different. Maybe it's a symptom of a co-dependent nature, maybe it's a sign of things to come, a shadow of a lost opportunity. Maybe it's just one whack night out of 365.

One thing's for sure, I'm not going to feel like this in the morning. It's always gone in the morning, whatever it was. My excitement about a project, my loneliness and thoughtfulness and expressiveness. I wake up tomorrow morning equipped with everything I require to give that new opportunity a fair chance. I can't slight tomorrow with my emotions today.

To whoever needed that hug tonight, here's one from me. I don't know who you are or why you don't actually exist, but something tells me that there's someone out in the rain waiting for me. I'm sorry I missed you, I got a little wrapped up in my own thing. -hug-

I promise, I'm not crazy. Don't even. It speaks of a greater fear, the truth that I'm afraid to have kyle or jason read this.

But tonight, I don't care. Tomorrow morning I'm going to care.

But out of respect for tonight's Christopher Thatcher, this post will remain. A testament to tonight. A testament to the glasses of October 18th, 2006.

Here's to you, mystery blank. Things are going to be alright, I'm here. I'll get my umbrella...


6 comments:

Nathan said...

I totally agree with all of it, especially the fact that it (whatever "it" is) is nearly always gone in the morning. That's why I sometimes stay up late writing blog posts; I know that whatever I want to say will be void to Nathan Cunningham the next day. It could help someone else who reads it, but my own motivation to write it disappears as the sun comes up.

And, whether you wanted to hear this or not, what you described in this post is very noble. Kudos to you.

Combat Kyle said...

What the random? I don't even know why you are afraid of me seeing this, cus I dont even get what you were trying to say :D I mean...I'm in random moods a lot too, but its for specific reasons. ;) You though, you were just seemingly random, right off the top. Good post though...I think :D

Corky Marie said...

wow. this is totally what i needed to read right now. you have no idea.

i like it when you get into random moods, something great always comes of it.

of course, you're great. so everything you write is great.

well...i'm done. ;) thanks thatcher. you're awesome.

Jason Hotstuff said...

Okay. Are you "out of love?"

Just kidding. I'm proud of you for writing this, and not only this, but for keeping up your blog. I've learned a lot about you from your blog that I wouldn't normally perceive just by being with you normally.

You're a big man. Be a tiger.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

Karlito said...

WOW...Again you are an inspiration Thatcher. It is funny thing, ideas. I have been wanting to blog on sleep and how you lose your day once you give into in and thought that before i did i would read through your blogs, the ones i have missed...Well today is the 22nd and yet on the 18th you said the right thing. This is proof to me of not only a Divine hand but also the divinity with in ourselves.

Thanks Thatch