Sunday, October 22, 2006

Rock the Vote

This post is specifically for Molly's benefit. In it I offer political and personal advice. Take it or leave it, this is the news.

Even though this post is just for Molly, the rest of you can read along too. In fact, I'd encourage you to do so. Enjoy.

As you know, Molly recently began taking suggestions for her "Boy of the Week" program. While I myself do not have a Boy-of-the-week program, I can see it's merit. It's not my style, but that's alright.

I have a suggestion to make for your boy of the week program, and his name is Kyle.

There are many reasons that one should consider liking Kyle Klein for a week or more. Aside from his towering stature and his rugged good looks, Kyle has a plethora of ninja-skills to back up his impressive aura of good looks.

Skill #1: Ultimate

When Kyle "The DragonRift" Klein plays Ultimate, he wears orange shorts. This alone is enough to make him a stud in my book. When you consider his devotion to the fine arts as well, he becomes a sophisticated and refined Ultimate gentleman, a veritable swatting and catching machine. He can run, he can throw, he can lead that really cool spirit huddle thing. He's a valuable asset on any Ultimate team. He could be a valuable asset on your team too, give the man a chance.

Skill #2: Vocalization

When Kyle "I stole the Cheese" Klein gives an oral report about Colin Powell, the world pauses to listen.

When Kyle "The Titanium Turban" Klein begins to offer up the power of his soul in song, aliens explode because it's so good. With an astonishing range of a low low E to a squeaky high F#, the man you once knew transforms into an intergalactic predator at the blink of an eye. He is the swiss army knife of alien-combustion men. He once beat Chuck Norris in a round-house-kick-fight with nothing but a seagull and his falsetto voice, need I say more?

Skill #3: A Healthy Respect for the Past

When Chris "I'm not as cool as Kyle" Thatcher asks Kyle "Thunderbolt" Klein if he remembers that one time we stayed up playing Tony Hawk with our new skater named Revolute Sk8, he says yes.

When Kyle "Prettier-Than-The-Moon" Klein feels like a good time, he watches Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When Kyle feels like thwarting the bad guys, he uses two sai's like unto Raphael.

One time, when Kyle was surrounded by communists and about to be gunned down by an execution squad, he sang the entire pokemon theme song in japanese. The Communists were so impressed that they dropped their weapons and wept for joy. Kyle later grew wings and flew back to America.

Skill #4: Resistance Leader

When Kyle "I've got the Magic" Klein isn't satisfied with the current situation, he doesn't hesitate to organize an underground rebellion. He has oftentimes created networks of notepassers and neanderthals, all for the purpose of rescuing a friend.

Skill #5: Elusive Footsteps

One time, a great King decided to have a dance-off. People from far away lands traveled far to compete in the greatest tournament since the controversial world croquet championships of 1911. The King never revealed his motive for holding the dance off, he merely stated he wanted to see the best of the best.

After 21 days of grueling and foot-shredding dance, a champion was crowned. His name was Hernando.

The runner up?

Kyle "They bribed the judges again" Klein.

Ladies from all over the world, after being turned away from Hernando due to his alternative lifestyle, came flocking to our dancing hero. As they crowded around him, demanding "a piece of that mad dancing action" Kyle's voice bellowed out. "Not today ladies, I've got a date with my destiny! And after that, maybe one with Molly!"

It's a true story, I was there.


So was Ghandi.

Skill #6: Harrrrrrrrrrmonica

Very few pirates can say that they are olympic snowboarding champions. Neither can Kyle, but he can play a mean harmonica solo when called upon. He valiantly led a performing troupe of academics in a ferocious and brilliant rendition of "The Battle of Bunker Hill, as told by a troupe of pirates." He also has composition skills, Alto Saxaphone skills, and Baritone Saxaphone skills.

Once when he and Doc were out at a late night jamming session, doc said to Kyle: "Kyle, teach me how to be a brilliant musician." Kyle taught Doc how to be a brilliant musician in 1982.

You know who else was there? The teenage Paul McCartney, using a time machine. And you wondered why all the Beatles were brilliant musicians. I'll tell you why, his name is Kyle.

This list could go on and on, but it doesn't have to. The truth is, Kyle Klein is an outstanding citizen that deserves a chance at the Boy-of-the-week program. At the end of the week, if you're not entirely happy with your choice of Kyle Klein for boy-of-the-week, I offer you a complete refund.

Kyle Klein is the man for the job. His voice can't be beat, he swims like an angel with fins. Kyle Klein lives life on the happy center, none of this edge crap for him.

Vote Kyle Klein for Boy-of-the-week.


Combat Kyle said...

Wow, who is this kid? I want to meet him!

Hahaha, oh man, Thatcher, I must say, you have a way with words. I was busting up a gut reading that, I was nearly in tears. Funniest post you've written thus far, hands down. And thanks for the complements, but really...I've only done MOST of those things. And you can't give me credit for the dance off. I was just there to make a statement. If Yanni can look the way he does and get away with it, then I can surely dance the way I do, right? It was more or less my proclamation to the world, really.

In other news, this could very well be one of the most interesting situations of my life. Its like I'm being auctioned off for a week's vacation or something. "A bajillion dollars ladies and gentlemen! Sold, sold! to the man with the sideburns and the greasy mustache! .....Oh, excuse me madame! Sold to...Molly?"

Interesting situation, for sure. Molly, if you are out there, hopefully your sense of humor is too :P Go Molly go. Thatcher too, it made me laugh.

Nathan said...


I agree, this was your funniest post so far. I particularly loved the "Mars Attacks!" reference and Gandhi's cameo. 8-)

And lemme just say that Kyle's a stud. You would enjoy him, Molly. :-D

Karlito said...

I say Bravo Thatcher. I dont know how you do it but i think in your zealous dash to get Kyle nominated for boy-of-the-week, you might have put yourself in the running!

Molly, if you are reading this, I would have to agree with Thatcher, Kyle is top Ten coolest people of all time, including Gandhi. I also read your blog on how the Boy-of-the-week program came about and enjoyed it as well.

Onward and Upward!!

Anonymous said...

i agree kyle is awesome. . .there's absolutely no denying it.

but i have to say it sounds like Someone has a little man-crush on him. . .

but seriously: vote for kyle

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but my vote goes towards ...

Well, Kyle, actually.


Anonymous said...

I would have to put you on my list, Kyle as well!

Courtney said...

kyle, everyone loves you. thatcher...we love you too. but we love kyle more. ;)

and i must say, good work on the boy-of-the-week program, molly.

thatcher, best stuff i've read in a long time. i laughed, i cried, it became a part of me. :D

Anonymous said...

Will you marry me?


just kidding...


M-smash said...

You remember that time that Thatcher and Kyle did a "top 5 reasons you'd wet your pants" like 2 years ago in jr high?

Well I think you forgot to add one....;)

PS I think Thatcher forgot to say that Kyle is a beast...

Bravo. Encore.
hahaha ha ha ha

Anonymous said...

wow. pure genius. Molly and Kyle. classic. :D GO THATCHER!