Sunday, August 31, 2008
Today was my first legitimate Saturday in Logan, and I had a really good time. I woke up around 12:30. I had a nice relaxed breakfast as we watched some Heroes season two, and then around three we went and played some basketball at the HPER (for you weirdo's that aren't going to Utah State, that's pronounced "the Hyper") We found three other guys that wanted to play and did some 3v3. They beat us 13 to 12, but it was a dang good game. I felt like a pointguard for a few minutes, it was amazing. I had a couple of really sweet plays. I screwed up a lot, sure, but it was so much fun. I love playing ball.
I did about 80 percent of my physics homework that's due Monday morning tonight, and it was actually pretty fun. Physics is just really fun to do, and the online stuff makes is pretty cool. I helped Michael with a lot of his back home when he was doing it at SLCC, so I'm really familiar with the Mastering Physics work area so things are pretty nice. Waves are pretty cool, what can I say?
So, a few thoughts. One thing that just struck me is that there's pretty much no way to be an all-star in college. In fact, there's no real way to be in college.
See, in high school, if you're in the cafeteria, you're actually there at Taylorsville. There's no way to do that at Utah State. There is no centralized location. If you're at the fieldhouse, you're at the fieldhouse. If you're in old main, you're in old main. But you recognize that at any given point, there are thousands of other people at different places on campus. When you're on campus, you know that you can't see everyone. You also know that approximately zero people can actually see you.
Those numbers are a bit extreme, yeah, but I'm not going to see 75 percent of the people that go to Utah State this year. That means that 75 percent of the people will never see me either. High school was different. It didn't really matter who you were, eventually we all sort of discovered each other's existence. I'm not sure that that will happen in college, or even that it can happen. I don't think that I will ever be well known here.
I'm okay with that. I don't define my value or worth by how well I'm liked or by how many people know me. It's just a rather bold departure from the mechanics of highschool. When you were at Taylorsville, you were an integral part of Taylorsville. It was small enough and contained enough for that to work. I do suppose you could have navigated the three years and remained faceless and useless to the school... but if you worked you were noticed. I'm planning on working very hard here and doing an excellent job. But I don't expect to ever be noticed or recognized by anybody. I doubt my professors will ever know my name. That's okay, that's just the way things are.
That's not as depressing as it sounds, I promise. It's just different.
Song of the moment: Would you go with me - Josh Turner
I think I'm going to make mashed potatoes tomorrow night. I like making things. When I say "i'm going to make something" I mean that I'm going to ask James how to do it and have him walk me through every step. He's pretty good at stuff.
Forecast says it might rain tomorrow. That'd be glorious. I am very excited to go to church up here. Mostly because it's church, and I'm just plain out excited to go to church.
Tomorrow looks like it ought to be an incredible day. It is time for me to depart. I hope you're all doing well. Much love friends, I hope you have a great Sunday.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I guess you don't get a ton of depth tonight, but you do get some exciting news. We settled on a name for our Ultimate team. We're going to go by Bulltimate. We've been saying Bultimate for a very long time, and since we're the freakin' aggies it seems to make sense for us to have a bull in the title. So we added an extra "L" to the title and have a pretty sweet name.
I mentioned our plans to have a showdown with Murray a few posts ago. We appointed Molly our official vice president in charge of public relations for the team, and she made us some pretty sweet temporary graphics for the team.
We drafted a ultimatum that we're delivering to the Murray boys' apartment tomorrow. Word on the street is that they're out of town for the weekend, but we'll leave it for them for when they get back.
For your reading pleasure, the Bulltimatum. (haha, we're so clever)
Dear Murray Scum-Sucking-Bottom-Dwellers*,
It has come to the attention of Apartment 36 and Tactics (a subsidiary of Hot 'n Ready LLC, a family company), that on the evening of September the 26th, you, the sissies from Murray, blatantly and heinously lambasted the fine and upstanding reputation of Taylorsville City and all of its respective holdings. These outrageous offenses will not be tolerated.
It is with great pleasure that the guardians of truth, justice, and Taylorsville therefore deliver this BULLTIMATUM to the residents of Bullen 102. As representatives of all that is good at right in this world, we hereby officially challenge you to an Ultimate showdown on Tuesday, September 2nd 2008, at 7 PM on the HPER fields.
We are prepared with six highly trained Taylorsville ninja-alumni to vanquish your forces. We do, however, recognize the importance of playing with seven men on a team, and therefore offer you a choice. You can choose to meet us with six men or you can choose to meet us with seven men. Whatever number you choose, we will match it.
Game will be played to 13 points (win by two) or until one team begs for mercy. Standard UPA rules and regulations will apply, with the possible exception of playing with six men instead of seven. Objections to these conditions can be discussed if you feel so inclined.
Please respond to this BULLTIMATUM as soon as possible. If you are unable to meet us on the field of battle on the 2nd, we are willing to reschedule, but only after much mockery and with emphasis on your womanly qualities. To accept this challenge or to reschedule or ask questions, please contact us by email at <the real bulltimatum has our cool new email address we set up for the team here. Since I don't like spiders, I'm not putting that addie up here.>, or by texticular message at <the real bulltimatum has my number here. I'm not about to put it online>. Thank you for your time.
-Bulltimate (formerly Taylorsville Ultimate)
*As a disclaimer, we're not as serious as we sound. We're actually pretty nice guys. We respect you for who you are, even if you do come from Murray. We're excited to play a friendly game of Ultimate. Maybe we could even be friends later. We do, however, intend to bring our A-game and to stand up for ourselves. Don't let the friendly fine print fool you.
Friday, August 29, 2008
So right now I'm in a pretty good mood. I attribute that mostly to kind Divine intervention. It's 2:27, and I just got done taking care of my first calc three assignment. I started it around one, so it actually went pretty smoothly. It was a very kind math assignment, as far as math assignments go. Lots of graphs and conceptual questions, not a lot of beating of dead horses. It was much easier than Kyle's calc II assignments have been, that's for sure. I'm grateful for that.
I spent a lot of time today very upset with Utah State. My engineering graphics professor isn't very good. The class is designed to teach us the ideas and processes of designing things, and it's also there to get us acquainted with solid edge, the program we use to model with. I'm not computer illiterate, and I'm not a retard, but I was entirely lost in that class today. I know I can't lay all the blame on the professor, but really now? I was trying, and it just wasn't working out. He's a super nice guy, he just isn't very good at isntructing. My physics recitation today was slightly better than graphics, but that's like saying being eaten by alligators is slightly better than being eaten by lions. It's still not a pleasant experience.
So two of my three academic classes today were bunk, seriously. That had me mad about this whole college experience. Why am I even here if I'm not learning anything? Of my professors, two of them don't look like they offer me anything. I'll learn the course material through the resources available, obviously, but I sort of wonder how higher education ever got away with all of this. How did they trick us into coming? A third of my professors are offering me nothing, how does that work out? I was pretty upset about stuff.
But, hey, it'll be alright. I'm going to do the best I can. I'm going to learn it, because learning is something that carries eternal value with it. Even if it's a chore, I'm going to do my best.
Sometimes I feel rebellious. I sort of want to take a semester off of my four-year plan and just explore a bunch of courses to see what I like. That sounds so terribly unproductive, and there's a good chance I won't do it, but I sort of want to be the guy that changes majors. Mechanical engineering sounds peachy, but it just doesn't seem to be me. I've put a lot of thought and work into all of this, and I know that I can make it work as a mechanical engineer. And I don't necessarily think that there is something else that I'm supposed to do with my life. But I don't think that I'm supposed to be an engineer either. I think that I can be what I want.
That makes things so hard for me. I've spent my whole life trying to do what I'm supposed to do. There is generally a right thing to do. I've tried really hard to find out what that is and to do it. It has only been recently that I've begun to notice that there are some things in life that I'm supposed to choose the thing that I want. I had a major crisis at the end of junior year when I had to choose between madrigals or the newspaper. I tried for a very long time to figure out which one was "right". There simply wasn't a right answer, it was cool for me to do whichever one I wanted. I haven't had much practice wanting things. That sounds so terrible of me, but it's sort of true. I'm very happy to do what I believe is right. I'm happy to eat for lunch exactly what I think is the right thing to eat. I don't put a ton of thought into what I want, I generally just choose what I think is the right thing to choose for whatever reasons.
Sometimes there just isn't an answer. Sometimes it's about me choosing what I want to do. But no matter what, I'm still subconsciously looking for something to be "right". There are a few things in life that are pretty easy to peg as things that I'm supposed to choose. College major is one of them. Girls to date and/or marry is another one.
This scares the pants off of me. Here are two *huge* decisions. If we classify decisions into two types, ones that have a right answer, and ones that don't, I'm only good at one of those kinds. These two really really really important ones fall into the category I don't have much practice with. I'm reminded of Nickmo's joke about figuring out girls with calculus, "my normal approach is useless here!"
So, not to worry, but how am I supposed to find something that I want to do? I really feel like I have a lot to offer the world. I think that's one of the biggest concerns that I have about all of this. I don't want to do something where I can't use what I've been given to make things better for people. I worry that I won't be able to do that with engineering. I know that no matter what I do, I'll have the chance to help people. My career won't dictate that. But still, I don't want to shove the potential I have in a hole.
But there I go, did you hear those undertones? It's like, "I'm supposed to do something great and help people, so there's got to be one path that maximizes that path." I'm looking for the thing that I'll be best at. The one option. But I don't think there's one option.
Sorta crazy. I'm not in love with mechanical engineering, that's for sure. Maybe it'll grow on me, it's only been a week. I'm not discontent with the major just yet. But maybe there is something I'd rather do. Maybe there's something that makes my heart go a-flutter. Maybe there's something that I'm better at. Maybe there's not.
I could teach high school, honestly. I could go into medicine. I could be a blasted parkitect.
My life is a sine graph, I've documented it often. I know this is one of those things that comes and goes. But hey, isn't that important?
So, I dunno what I'm gonna do about it. But I don't want to hate my life because I didn't have the guts to say, "you know what, I was wrong when I declared that major. I'm going to throw away a semester of education to make sure that I get it right." I know my family won't like the idea at all, but that's alright. I'm not saying I'm going to take a semester to explore, but I might just consider it.
In any event, it draws late, as it so often does. I'm going to run off. I hope that you're all doing well. Really. I like you guys, you're pretty cool. Things are going well up here, but it's not all roses, but that's okay. Goodnight friends, much love~
Thursday, August 28, 2008
So a couple of cool things from today. Most importantly, some Murray boys that Marissa lives close to have been doing some serious trash-talk about Taylorsville. Topics of derision included our building, our football team, and our Ultimate skills. Marissa, being the good person she is, stood up for our Ultimate skills. Atta girl.
When me and Levi discovered this trash talk tonight from our informant, we immediately got excited. This sort of behavior can only lead to one logical resolution- Ultimate Showdown.
We're very excited about this. All six of us are on board. We're debating whether we should play with six or whether we should import a seventh guy or even find some subs. We're planning on delivering a challenge to them officially sometime tomorrow if we can. We're looking at next Tuesday for the showdown. We've got a planning meeting sometime tomorrow in the apartment that will include a whiteboard with at least two colors of markers. I'm stoked.
Because after all, this is bigger than just me. This is bigger than just Ultimate even. This is about where I come from and representation. This is for Mama Withers and Coach Hansen and T and even for the architect of our prison-resembling schoolhouse. This is for the boys who won't be able to make it to our Tuesday showdown- Kirt, Santy, Shelton, Glen, all those folks. This is even for the ladies on the hill. This is about Taylorsville. Yep. We're going to make you all proud.
Hopefully we'll have some documentation from the game to show here come Wednesday or so. We'll at least try to score some pictures or do a recap. In any even, this is something that we're committed to doing. We will have a showdown.
This has me really excited.
Walking home from campus today I stopped at the light to wait for the nice sign to say, "walk". Sitting there I realized that three of the six or so people at the corner had things shoved into their ears. Two of them had headphones, another guy had a blue-tooth headset.
It had never struck me before, and it wasn't a big deal this time either, but I realized that 50% of the people at the street corner had made a conscious decision to abandon the information that their environment was sending to them through their ears and substitute it for something of their own choosing. The world was offering them truth through sound waves, and they were whole-heartedly ignoring it and listening to what they had deemed pleasing.
I know this is a stupid philosophical vein I'm following here, and it's not like I'm crazy and upset about this. I just noticed it today for the first time, so I figured I'd explore it a bit.
I just don't really see the validity of thinking you are fully qualified to ignore the world around you. Do you really know enough about what's going on to cut off 20% of your sensory organs and devote them to listening to something you think is cool? That scares the crap out of me. Music you choose to listen to isn't offering you any chance to learn something about your environment. I think of it as the world offering you information through your ears. You're choosing to ignore that information. That seems incredibly prideful to me. Are you qualified to make that call?
So I know that's a bit extreme. But still. Sorta weirded me out to think of it like that. I really really love hearing what's going on. I'm a lot more terrified of ear-buds than I ever was before. I want to keep myself open to any auditory information that I will potentially be offered. There's just no chance of hearing that with ear-buds. Maybe I could learn something good. Or maybe I could listen to the goo goo dolls. And while I do love the goo goo dolls, I'd rather not get hit by a bus.
We get a sweet internet connection tomorrow. Score!
Calculus is looking super sweet. I love getting into it. Physics is actually really really cool too. My professor is a nut-case. The only word I can think of to explain his lecturing is frantic. It's delivered at break-neck speed, but not the kind of break-neck speed where he instinctively knows what he's talking about and we should to, oh no, it's the kind of speed where he's being followed by several mysterious men in black sunglasses and he's running for his life because he has no idea what's going in. I know that he knows the material, he just exudes these mannerisms that really make him seem jumpy to me. I know he's not nearly as extreme as I'm making him out to be, but at least it keeps me awake in class as I laugh about the prospect of 40 armed guys bursting into the room to cart him away for something. He just seems like he's running from everyone, I sorta like it.
I'm debating whether to go home or stay up here this weekend. I went home last weekend, and I'm ceratainly going home next weekend. It'd be nice to go to my ward up here, and it'd be a really good opportunity to get really deep into my homework and get some stuff done. There are a few people up here I'd really like to spend some time with too. On the other hand, though, a lot of my roommates are headed home, and that makes life up here lonely. It's a three-day weekend, so that makes going home worth a little more. Lots of people in Salt Lake I'd like to see, and there are a few old textbooks I'd like to get from my siblings down there. It looks like I'll be staying up here, but we'll see.
I've been pretty happy today. Things have gone really well. I'm enjoying all of my classes. I'm hoping to give blood on Friday. It's hard to schedule such a thing because I kept my classes very close together, and I'm pretty much booked through the day until after the vampires go away. I have a bit of time potentially tomorrow, but it's right before my Ultimate class. I don't actually have to go to that class tomorrow, but it would be a good opportunity to go and just play. We'll see. But I do really want to give blood. I've never done it before, but I believe in it, so I'd like to do it.
It looks like tomorrow will be a good day, but I have a lot that I need to get done. I've got a calculus assignment that I haven't started yet that I'll need to do. It's going to be fun doing it, I know, but I have no idea what to expect. We went over some of the problems in class today, and it actually looked really fun. I just hope that I get it done. I've got some physics to do online too, that'll be cool. I'm a big nerd, but I've got a lot of homework to get done tomorrow.
Pretty good day. I hope that you're all doing really well. I'm happy that we're friends. I suppose that if you're reading this because you stumbled upon it from elsewhere, well, you could be weirded out by that. But I'm talking to my friends. If you don't count yourself in that group, sorry, maybe we can be friends once you stop being a weirdo who's just reading my blog and we actually meet and share meaningful experiences together. In the meantime, friends, thanks for being here. To Melissa, I'm glad you're blogging too, that makes me happy. I'm glad that you're doing well in school. Keep your chin up, you're gonna do great. To, well, I don't have a personal note for anyone else right now. So, yeah, you're all cool too.
Merry blogaday day nine! I'm off for some study and then bed. Sleep well friends, you're swell.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
It's pretty late, and I don't have my homework done. I don't exactly have my textbooks. In my attempts to not spend money on books, I seem to have run into the problem of not being able to get books without paying for them. I should have books by next week, but for now, I'm sort of running into tomorrow without having done the work. I should be okay though, there's nothing absolutely crucial about tomorrow.
It's late, like I said, so this is going to be short. I spent about an hour today in one of the quiet sections of the libraries pondering some stuff. I had an assignment for Creative Arts to try to tell the professor something about myself using only a traced picture of my own hand and my artistic abilities. "Very few words" was the key.
So I spent a long time thinking about it and actually doing it. As far as my own art projects go, it's not too bad. While there, though, I couldn't help but write down a bit of self reflection. I always intended to post it here, so I will. This will conclude the post for the evening, I think. So here it is, something I actually wrote out long-hand before I typed it.
Self Reflection -> August 26.2008 ~ 12:00 PM
-> I can't define myself in terms of the superficial. I understand that I, like everyone else, have an outward appearance. I love ultimate, I used to run, I had a long-term relationship with calculus that might be starting again. But how much of that actually contributes to who I feel I really am? How much of that is even remotely important to "me"?
-> It goes back to one of my blog's (and therefore my life's) enduring questions: "When did I start being me?" and "What defines who me is?"
-> I've always felt that it's the choices we make every day that makes us, "us". I'm not saying that's the answer everyone has got to live by, but something inside me always leans toward that.
-> Still, how do I put that into words? How do I convey that graphically? Even if I believe I have an inkling of part of the way I became the fragile and temporary me that I am right now, does that mean I know who me is?
It's been a good day. I hope that you're all doing excellent. I'm excited to study hard and do better tomorrow. Much love friends.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Happy first day of classes. They all went really well today. My first class was multivariable calc, and I'm very excited about it. My professor seems like he's going to be really helpful. I was pretty friendly and helped a few people who came in late. It looks like it's going to be super fun course material. It's essentially calculus in multiple dimensions. We took a bit of a look at three-dimensional stuff, you know, functions of x and y. Looks pretty intense. Physics was cool too, we launched right into waves right now. The professor seems pretty capable in here too. It's a fairly big lecture hall, but nothing I forsee problems coming from. The wave stuff sounded super complicated, but it's really nothing different from the sine stuff we did in calculus. That'll be fun. Creative arts was next, and that was a little crazy. I went from the rock-solid sciences to being creative. Yeah, little bit crazy, but it's alright. Professor sort of looks like a turtle.
So, a friend of mine from back home texted me today. "So, have you fallen in love yet?" Now, I've never been much of a romantic guy, but is it terrible for me to be so opposed to that idea right now? I'm having trouble wanting to make new friends. It's not that I don't like people or anything like that, I just feel like it couldn't really happen. I care about a lot of people, and that stuff is very important to me. I'm having trouble seeing the point in caring about other people just because they're cool or because they have classes with me. I'll be friendly and I'll be nice. If they need help, I will certainly be there to help them out- that's something I feel strongly about. But, I don't know. It's hard to see it happening.
I know it's something I'll have to work on. I can't go through life never caring about other people because there are already those that I care about. I just don't forsee it happening. What are the events or the things that made me start caring about the friends that I do care about? Is there any chance that those events can happen in Logan?
Maybe I'm a grumpy old man. I know that my logic here is fallacious. This can't really work out. I sort of think of my friends, the ones I really care about- as something really important to me. A big deal to me. I know that I don't ever really show that, since I'm not much of a "showing emotion" kind of guy. I think that I need friends. But I also think that I have friends. And if I don't have a fundamental need for new friends, why pursue that option? Just because a girl is cute or friendly, does that mean that I should invest my own emotion into making a "friend"? I think that's something that I really hold back on a lot- investing my own emotion. I haven't done much of it for a very long time.
That's a hurdle that I'll have to hop over one of these days. This is actually a really important topic to me right now. Something that I really feel like writing a whole lot about. But I understand how reckless that could be.
The value of this blog comes in that I have said things here that I would never have been brave enough to say elsewhere. I learn more about my own humanity by being emotionally reckless and taking a few chances.
So here I am. Am I willing to ignore the old man inside of me and go for it? Probably not- not tonight. Maybe one day I'll write the "I'm leaving on a mission for two years so I can finally spill the beans on all the things I wanted to write but never did for fear of the fall-out" post. I make it sound like I've got some secret or something, but I don't.
The situation that I'm in presents itself because of a disproportion. Some of the most important things to me in my life, the things I hold really close and dear, don't get talked about. On the other hand, a lot of things that aren't incredibly important get talked about a ton. That's an inequality, something that doesn't make a lot of sense.
And I know there are reasons that I don't talk about that stuff. One of the big reasons is because of how important it is to me. I hold it really close.
So, no secrets, just not something I share often. And it's tied to some of the stuff that I'm thinking about and dealing with now.
There's one of my friends that sorta makes me feel like a nincompoop when I talk to him. I know that that's not what either of us intended, but sometimes it just happens. I know that it's not true. But he talks about things that he knows a lot about, things that he thinks about so much more than I think about. He talks about relationships and dating and his latest exploits and all that fun stuff.
And that's great for him; I'm really okay with it. I only tell this because I know that I've lived. And I know that I'm me- and as me, I've experienced and felt important things. My life is unique and relevant. That's something that can't be taken away. So on those nights when I get the vibe that I'm just some little kid that doesn't know what he's talking about, well, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But what I've got is important. And what I've got is real. My life is a big deal.
Classes start tomorrow, that's great news. I'm a little bit stressed out about stuff right now. My printer is being annoying.
So I'm not really gonna write much tonight. This might be the extent of my writing. Today really was a great day. It's nice to be at my own computer again. I think I'm going to head though. So, have a good one friends. I'll write something good tomorrow night, really. For now, I head out. Much love~
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Classes went well today. Probably the best day of classes because it was a half-day and because we got to hear from our super cool guest speaker. I lounged about at the apartment (which I generally would refer to as home, except that I'm at *home* now) until dad showed up to take me and brad home. And then I came home.
It's 2:30. I just finished watching the American's take gold in men's basketball. This is the first olympic basketball game I've watched, but I've been very interested in how the team has been doing. I was shocked when we lostin Athens four years ago. I was pretty upset about all of that. In a way, though, I think it was very good for us. We came back with something to prove, and we proved it. I love that these guys were called the "Redeem Team". Such a sweet name. It was good to see all of them out there playing like they were. It was a pretty close game, Spain played incredibly. I'm very happy that we won though. There's nothing like representing America.
For some reason, I think that representing America is easier when you're a big team like that. I think that the individual gymnastics medals, those are a lot harder to say, "this is for America!" Yeah, you can say it, and we're all happy about it, but that's so individual. When you're a big team like the basketball team, all of you can deflect the individuality and score for America. I'm not saying that as nicely as I'd like to, but I hope you get the idea.
Tomorrow's a big day for me, and I'm excited about it. Today has felt sorta weird. Not bad, just different. Sort of like I missed a turn but didn't realize it or something.
That's something that's important to me, listening and figuring out what's important. I love blogging at the end of the day because sometimes it makes me think about what I've felt during the day. A lot of the times I'll feel like I need to do something during the day. Sometimes I'll do it right then, and other times I'll forget. Something like that happened today, and I forgot. But hey, it's 2:42, and there's something that I feel like I should do.
So I'm out, friends. Thanks for being here. This is a short post, but I feel pretty good about it. I hope you're all doing well :)
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Classes seemed a lot longer than usual today. I think that was because we didn't have as much free time for lunch. Our lunch was delicious, supplied by the school, but we didn't have the usual two hour break we'd been having. That meant no raging ultimate at lunch, sad day.
This whole connections thing has been really interesting. I think they could get away with it being about half as long as it actually is. There are a ton of different sections, or classes, of connections. Something like twenty different groups of about twenty students running around campus. Me and James have been in the same section, and that's been a life saver. It's interesting because every professor has a ton of freedom as to what he or she will do for connections. Me and James have had a ton different experience than anyone else. Other sections have gone hiking. We've had lectures.
And the lectures have been informative, certainly, but it's been dragged on far enough I think. It's a great idea, but I think the execution needs a little bit of tweaking. Even just three days instead of four would be a big improvement.
I'm glad that I've been here though, absolutely. My university experience has been very interesting thus far. It's been very one sided I think. All I've seen is the honors group. It's so very interesting- I'm already signed up for honors. It's something that I decided that I wanted to do. We've spent about half the last week beating the honors thing to a very fine paste. Granted, I'm in an honors section of connections, so that makes sense. But it's like they're still trying to sell me on the idea of honors. I mean, really? I already decided to do it, I'm in. Tell me what to do. I get really scared because of how much marketing they are still doing. If honors was truly as good as they said it was, why do they have to beg and beg and beg students to do it? Why are they still worried I'm going to run away? I just wish that we could get past the "Honors is great!" point and start actually doing something. Give me a blasted 30 minute service project instead of a 30 minute lecture on why I should do honors. That'd convince me faster than anything that it was something that I ought to do.
But alas, I'm not in charge. I hope that I get a chance to evaluate what has gone on though, because feedback is always nice. I'll tell them how it is, so hopefully next year's connections can be a bit better.
But like I said, I'm glad I've been up here this week. I'm glad that Andrew wasn't here, cause it's sorta nice to try to be on my own without a big brother for a bit. I'm super excited to live with him and work with him, but I'm glad I got a bit of time to run on my own. I have a few hours of classes tomorrow and then I'm on my way home, so I'm pretty happy about that. All the ambassadors and all that suggest that you stay the first weekend up here so you can get all excited about social life, but there's a lot of incredibly important stuff waiting for me at home. Way more important than the university will ever be. So I'm homeward bound for Saturday and Sunday, hooray!
It's been cool to observe James in action throughout this connections business. He's like the golden honors student, maybe even the golden university student. He asks a lot of really good questions and cares about what he's doing. It's cool to see instructors take note of that. I like to think that I'm a pretty good student, but James is totally outshining me here. I'm totally happy with that. James obviously deserves it. I'm excited to start real school though. Real classes with actual work and learning. That's more like it.
I've been thinking a bit about physics lately. I'm really happy I'm taking a physics class this semester. I might want to minor in it, or maybe even change my major. I don't really have any solid reasons why, other than the fact that it sounds pretty cool at this point. I sort of want to be more academic, you know what I mean? We'll see what engineering is like, as well as what physics is like. One of the cool things about the mechanical engineering degree is that you can get a math minor without taking any extra classes I'm pretty sure. That's good news. We're going to see what happens.
A lot of what we talked about today seemed to be how to succeed at college. I got the message over and over again that it was mostly about cozying up to the professors and getting into extra work and junk like that. Thinking about it, that's all that I did for Junior high and high school. I worked really hard for Brough, Sharpe, and Peck in junior high. In high school I worked for Hansen like crazy, T a little bit, and then did a bunch with the seminary. I have no idea what I'm going to do here in Logan, but I'm sure I'll find something. It's something that I'm comfortable and happy to do, take on extra responsibility and all of that. We'll see where my future takes me- it's pretty wide open right now.
Yeah, I really don't have much that's pressing on my mind right now. I'm really excited to go to bed. I didn't take a nap today! I'm going to sleep really well. It'll be hard to get up for class in the morning, but I think that I'll make it somehow. It should be good, we're listening to a pretty cool guest speaker who should have some really cool things to say.
It's been nice to start meeting my neighbors and getting some friends in my connections class. I'm really looking forward to meeting more friends from more places. I really think this whole college experience is going to be great. It'll have its ups and downs, obviously. But I'm excited for it. For now, it's time for me to get to studying and then head to bed. I hope you're doing great, have an excellent time friends.
Avg. Bloodsugar: 137
Times Tested: 7
Water Consumption: One half gallon
Exercise: One short game of Ultimate, lots of walking
Milk Intake: One glass- I'm gonna go have another
Fruit Intake: Three bananas
On Time: Five minutes late to meeting time this morning, but not important
New people met who's names I can remember: Three (four if I'm lucky. Right now I'm not lucky- it started with an A!)
Goodnight Friends! Tomorrow I post from blessed Taylorsville.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Today's been good. Nothing too fantastic went on, but it was nice. I learned a few things about myself tonight. Or, well, not so much learned as re-observed. It's not a new mechanic that I saw, just something that I know I need to work on.
They have evening activities for connections. So we have class during the day and optional fun stuff in the evening. Last night was some party at the HPER field, which I chose not to go to until it was over. Tonight was some comedian with a bit of magician thrown in. Everybody went to it but me and Brad. Not sure what Brad did tonight, but I took a few hour nap instead of going. It wasn't so much a conscious choice of “I don't want to go, I'm going to take a nap” but rather that I was sleeping a bit before time to go, and then I didn't want to get up because I was already down.
It's not that big of a deal, but it's interesting to see how I start to work. I think that naturally I'm not a very extroverted individual. Seeing me in class and stuff like that you wouldn't necessarily say that though. I talk to people in class and I offer answers. I think I was fairly well known at high school. I'm not socially backwards, and I'm not saying that I am. I'm just noticing more and more that sometimes I have a tendency to stay home instead of going to be with people.
I thrive on society, really. There's something deep within me that tells me that that's where I belong. But that's something higher. The natural mechanism within me doesn't push me to be social, it pushes me to stay home and sleep. I'm not saying that this is a big deal, I'm just trying to fight it. Not huge, but something I want to get over. Because I do thrive on people, and I'm happy when I'm with them. Like I said, I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be. So, I'm going to work harder on it. Not that my loyal readers can do much about it, but if you and I ever happen to be in the same town and you know I'm at home instead of being with people, call me out on it.
So I just spent a few hours talking with my buddies about a lot of stuff. So I'm feeling a lot happier than I was a paragraph ago. I think tonight is going to be a much deeper night than the past few.
One of the recurring themes of this blog has always been my transitory nature. My ephemeral inconsistency, my many faces, whatever you want to call it. I'll think of a better title later, because all of those have a pretty negative connotation except maybe the first one. Moral of the story: I'm always curious to see and recognize and record how I change. It's very clear to me that the way I act in certain situations and at certain times changes.
I used to think I was incredibly solid and that I didn't change. I wonder if I used to be like this. I wonder if this is just something I notice because I've been trying to learn more about myself for the past several years, or if it just started happening in the past several years.
I'm not one of those guys that lives his life differently on Sunday than he does on Tuesday. And I don't think I'm one of those guys that is nice to people when they're around and then a jerk to them when their back is turned. I don't think I put on a nice show for the cameras and then be a scum-bag when I'm with my close friends. I don't want to be one of those people, and I don't think that I am. But I recognize that my actions and performance in a social setting is very different from my actions and performance here or somewhere else. My speech pattern is a little bit different, I stand differently, I think a little differently. I like to think that I sort of optimize myself for the situation that I'm in. When I need to be funny and confident, I sort of adapt and play the part subconsciously. This never happens on purpose- I don't try to do any of this. It happens.
I think that this new environment that I'm in has put me in a different mode. My post last night was very much a social post. It was meant to make people chuckle a little bit. It had very little to do with discovering myself as a person, and a lot to do with discovering myself as a machine. My statistics at the bottom of the page last night made me so happy. I thought it was so cool that I could remember that, and so cool that I was logging it. It was efficiency. I was gathering data to make myself operate better. It was one side of me- the very pragmatic side.
So last night we saw a social kind of me and towards the end a pragmatic side of me. Tonight we see a lot more of the identity side of me. The side that thinks about who he is and why he is that way and explores those topics through a blog post.
I haven't formally named and assigned all these random sides of me, and I'm not going to. That'd make me too weird I think. But it is interesting to note how it's happening. I don't quite know how I feel about it. I feel very good about the fact that I know that I'm always me. I know that I won't lose that. I know that I have integrity. But sometimes I feel happier than other times. Sometimes I make jokes; sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm really interested in math and science. Other times the most important things in my life can only be reached through text.
I'm going to wager that I'm not the only one. I think it's something that we're all going to have to deal with in our own ways. This isn't necessarily a problem, it's just the way things are I'm thinking. I'm sure a psychology major could explain it to me. And I'm not sure why I wrote all of it, other than the fact that it's something that I thought about today, and I'm usually in the business of writing stuff that I've thought about.
I studied a very tiny bit of calculus tonight. Integration by parts. I knew it real well around AP test time, and had no idea how to do it this afternoon when me and James decided to try it on a whim. So I looked it up tonight. It was a rush.
I'm very excited about Ultimate right now. I think I'm going to play again tomorrow at lunch. We didn't today, but that was probably good. We've been looking for a killer name for our intramural team. We've got a few ideas of what we want out of it, but we don't really have too many ideas that we're in love with yet. I might run a competition here to see if we can find any great ideas. I'm just really excited to compete.
We have classes tomorrow, and I'm going to make it a point to go be social tomorrow night. We have a few classes on Saturday, and then I'm headed home for the weekend. I'll be back up Sunday night. It'll be nice to get home. I think leaving will be a lot harder the second time than it was the first time, but it'll be alright. I'm really excited to start real classes. Connections is fine and dandy, but I feel a little- we're sort of going nowhere. There's not a real reason that we're here. Classes have a reason. I'm excited for that.
Hey, end of the post it looks like. I'm glad that I'm posting. I don't feel like blogaday is changing my life right now, but I'm excited about keeping the prospect open just in case it does one of these times. I love blogging. I miss my internet connection. I've heard from a couple of different people that they miss seeing me on messenger all the time. I didn't necessarily talk on messenger all that often towards the end there, but it was nice to be around and available. I'll be back to that pretty soon, a week from today I'm hoping. But, I miss being present. It's cool though, cause we're getting there. Today had its ups and downs, but I learned some stuff and moved forward on a little bit. I'm growing up, that's sorta nice. Tomorrow should be a good day.
I always end like this, but, well, that's because I care about it. Thanks for being around friends. I'm sure glad I have you. Good luck with everything. We're sometimes pretty far away, but I know we still care about each other. I like that. Goodnight friends~
Avg. Bloodsugar: 130
Times tested: 7
Sleep: 5 + 0.5 + 2.5 = 8 (weird day)
Water Intake: One Gallon
Milk Intake: 4 glasses. Not bad.
Fruit Intake: at least four bananas, probably five.
Vegetable Intake: a tiny bit of spinach from Kyle's spinach puffs. I need to find out how to get more vegetables in the diet. Any great suggestions?
Punctuality: On time to classes.
Exercise: Eight minutes of jogging + two minutes of jogging later.
Estimated bed time: 3:30
Estimated wake time: 7:45
Estimated time I'll get tired of doing these stats: Tomorrow (but I don't care, I love them for now)
Much love, goodnight friends!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Okay, back to my desk, cause the bed thing wasn't working out so well.
At this point in the post I'm very excited to introduce a new feature. Ladies and gentlemen, meet "progresso soup daily update!"!!!
So, mom and I got like, five cans of progresso soup yesterday for me to eat this week. We decided to purchase five different varieties, so I could find out what is good and what makes me want to go "buh". I realized that I couldn't possibly remember all the progresso soups I'd had by the time I go shopping next week, so I came up with this brilliant plan. Every day that I have a new progresso soup, I'll review it here! That way I have a written record of what I like, and you all get the satisfaction of knowing that you're a valuable part of my dietary lifestyle these days. It's a win win situation for all of us.
Today's progresso variety was Italian-Style Wedding. I microwaved it in two separate batches since my bowl wasn't big enough for the whole can. About two minutes and thirty seconds was good enough for a half-can. I put a plate over the open bowl in the microwave, and it was a good thing I did, because the bottom of the plate had splashed soup all over it. Apparently soup likes to jump out and get everywhere when you microwave it. Penning it in is always a good idea.
The Italian-Style Wedding tasted great. Meatbals, carrots, and spinach in chicken broth is what the words on the label say, but I definitely detected some pasta-like business going on in there. A close-up of the label clearly shows what I'm talking about.
Aside from the deceit and deception that their text provided, I had no complaints with the soup. On the Christopher Thatcher Progresso Soup Deliciousness Scale, Italian-Style Wedding earns 3.5 stars out of five. The taste was very pleasant, and the presence of meatballs was a needed diversion from my hitherto unintentionally meatless college diet. And at only 70 percent of my suggested daily sodium intake, this soup was a nutritional steal!
Will I be purchasing Italian-Style Wedding again? You bet your sweet kool-aid that I will. I didn't fall in love with the soup, but I feel the same way about it as I do about Great Britain. They're not my favorite soup in the world, but I'd still rather see them get medals than China.
/End Progresso Soup Daily Update!
We played some ultimate during lunch today on the Quad with anybody that wanted to play with us. We had about 20 guys at one point, and since it was just really open, we played 10 v 10. I counted everybody off by ones and twos to split up teams. Numbers once again proved to be my long-time friend and lover by placing me, kyle, and brad on the same team. We spent the first half of lunch trading something like six of our own points for one of theirs, that was cool. They started playing a lot better once they got an infusion of latecomers, but we still came out on top we figure. It was sweet to see so many people who came by to join the game, there was a lot of interest. Brad saw it as a very valuable recruiting experience. The six guys in this apartment are all super excited about playing intramurals, but we need a few more guys to round out the team and give us the required seven plus a few subs. We took some mental notes on who played well and we got a phone number of one of the guys. We might play tomorrow, depending on how things go, and see if some of the same guys show up.
That's one thing that I'm super happy about. I don't have to make ultimate work here. We're not building something from scratch- I don't have to convince anybody to join my stupid club ;) . I can just focus on building myself as a player and helping my team get better. We've been talking, and we're definitely going to sign up for intramurals. Like I said, we need a few more guys, but we have a pretty solid team with our core right here. Me and Andrew are very balanced players, Kyle's a sweet handler and knows the game very well, probably better than any of the rest of us. Brad is just amazing, specializing in handles and living in the sky, with an emphasis on ridiculous break-aways when nobody is watching. James is a defensive brick wall, and Levi is tall, fast, and pretends to jump sorta high. Keys to success will be me and Andrew finally emphasizing in something, as well as us picking up one more athletic jumper to hold down the back-field defense.
I know that nobody else is as excited about Ultimate as I am, but I certainly like it. I know that this is just a phase, and that I won't be as excited about it in the near future, but for now, I'm going to ride this wave. I'm very excited for intramurals, it's going to be incredible. I think it'll be good for me too. Exercise and recreation is something that keeps every part of me pretty healthy- I like it.
Today was my first day of connections. It's an orientation sort of deal, but it's not too bad. I figure that most of what I learn from this week won't really mean too much to me for a while. I know that sounds super bad, but I have no idea what problems I'm going to run into as a college student. None of this bears any real application to me until I start running into stuff that requires me to use whatever cool university resources they talked to me about. So, I'm down with being here, that's cool. I just start to wonder if stuff like this wouldn't be more effective if they did it like, two weeks into class. It's not a possibility, and I know that, but sometimes things mean a lot more when you've been looking for an answer.
I mean, two weeks of suffering through something saying to yourself, "Alas, where are the band-aids?" and then having someone say that the band-aids are in the health and wellness center means more to me than just having them say that they're in the wellness center. That was a run on sentence.
This post is becoming long. But I don't feel like this post has the personal value and discovery that really justifies me writing a long post. So I think I'm going to wrap it up soon. Thanks for everything friends. I know I don't show it too often, but I appreciate the help. It's easier to get up and work hard when you know that people care about how you're doing. I want to be great for myself, but I want to be great because of you guys too. I hope that you're doing well. I know I'm limited on communication, but if you're ever lonely and need a talk, and this goes for anyone out there, feel free to toss me a text or email- I'll be friendly. Have a great night friends, happy blogaday day two.
Stat Summary/Review: Classes went well today. I was on time to everything required. We played Ultimate at lunch, and that was sweet. I had three decent meals today. Fruit intake was two bananas plus some mixed fruit at lunch. Vegetable intake was zero plus coincidental consumption from the soup. Water consumption was over one gallon, although signs still point to dehydration- probably caused by of two bouts of Ultimate, one of them in jeans, plus the incredible sodium intake. For those that are interested, my average bloodsugar on the day was 148.2, with my two week average showing as 156. Total operating sleep time was an estimated 5+1.5, coming to a total of six and a half. Current time is 1:05 AM, with a projected bed time of 2:00 and wake time of 7:40.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
So, I'm here in Logan. I'm writing this on James' lappy because he's got a wireless connection and mine certainly doesn't. The connection that the apartment complex provides for us is bunk, but it's all good. It works for what we need to do for now. Well, at least for me. I can post, and that's what I care about right now. I'll still check my email every day, and I'll still get texts for certain.
Posting from the lappy at 11 PM is a whole lot different from posting from my nice and secure Stallion. I've noted before that I usually post late at night when it seems like the whole world is asleep but me. I get all super-focused and absorbed, it's really nice. This is a lot different here. There are four other guys running around the apartment. This isn't my computer. It's cool, certainly, but it's an entirely different animal. So, we'll see how that works out, yeah?
It's weird to be running around meeting people and stuff like that. I'm so new here. I've never really been *entirely* new somewhere before. I've always had some foot in the door. Someone knew my brothers, someone had heard of me, recommended me from a friend, something like that. Granted, a few people around here know my brother, but I haven't met any of them yet. I'm trying to remind myself that everybody else is moving in here today too, so they're new as well. A fair number of people are returning here from last year or so, so they're not as new, but it's still the way things go. It's been cool to meet people. I haven't *met* that many folks yet, but I've said hi to pretty much everyone I've met.
So, just played some smash brothers with the boys. Good times.
I don't have a ton going on tonight. Not too much to say. I had some really deep thoughts last night. Hopefully thoughts that I'll come back to another day.
But I'm operating on borrowed time on a borrowed laptop, so I should probably call it a night. Tonight's post exists mostly to prove that I'm actually here, doing this blogaday that I warned you about. I hope that you're all doing well. Good luck in your endeavors. Tomorrow is my first official day on my own. Granted, it's subsidized by the federal government and my kind parents, but hey, give me a break ;)
Here I go, trying to do something I've never done before. Wish me luck!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
And that makes a lot of sense. I'm happy with the conclusion that the two georgians and the slimy other dude are just bs'ing the whole thing. I can accept that.
And I've never been a huge bigfoot fan or anything. But I've become more interested this week, like every other nerd in the country.
So, yeah, I'm calling it, no real bigfoot. But it's a pity, because I think it'd be pretty sweet to actually have found a bigfoot. I know I'm a bigfoot noob and all that, but still. Wouldn't it be cool? It's just something that sorta fascinates me. The idea of finding a creature that's been thought about for so long. It's like a nerd's dream come true. That's the kind of stuff that brings people together! Who needs olympics when you've got a bigfoot on your hand?
But alas, tis not so. Do I believe in bigfoot? You know, maybe. Not to steal any taglines or anything, but,
"I want to believe!"
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I don't have a ton to say right now. I'm not overflowing with ideas of emotions like I was the last few times. I do want to say, however, how much I really and truly appreciate all the comments I received on my last post. It always makes me feel good. I know it's sort of one of those shallow things, you know, feeling good because of an outward display that someone else gave- but it's still a big deal to me. I really appreciate the comments.
Life has an interesting way of moving forward. I am not where I was three months ago. This summer has been unique in a million ways. It was not what I expected. I don't regret what has happened. I understand, of course, that I have performed poorly in a few things, and that my growth has been slowed by that. Off the top of my head, I'm terrible at coming to work. I miss a few hours every day because I sleep in. I'm working in an environment where that's acceptable, but it has certainly hindered my progression. I'm not complaining, but I'm just pointing out the fact that it's less than optimal. It is the past. If I were to go back, I'd like to change that.
I just got done talking with Jason. Jason's one of those people in my life that I like a lot more than I have any real reason to. Or, maybe that's not it, since I have a ton of material to back Jason up with. He's one of those guys that I've been through a lot with. And even though he hasn't been in the core group of people I've hung out with for the past couple years, he still ranks super high on my list of people I respect.
He's sort of, disproportionately admired, if that makes sense. One of those fellows I don't hang out with or even talk to too often, but when I do, I'm just happy to be talking with them cause they're so dang cool. There's a couple of people like that in my life. Jaron's one of them (ha, good for you Jaron, since I know you're reading). I was going to actually write a tribute to Jaron earlier this summer. I might still do it, we'll have to see.
Moral of the story? I really had a great time talking with Jason tonight. I feel refreshed, and ready to go face the world. I wanna go overachieve.
And so I'm announcing that plan that I talked about in my last post but didn't announce. It's sort of a big deal to me.
31 day blogaday. August 19th to September 19th. Astute readers will immediately notice a few pertinent facts about the date range. That's the first month of my college life. Day one to day 31. It's also about 1000% more postage than I've done this summer. Recent trends in my blogging behavior wouldn't suggest that I'd be able to make it happen, but I believe in it.
See, blogging teaches me about myself. It's a tool for me to discover and learn and then to make it stick. I think that that's why I'm going to college, to learn and to grow. This is a way for me to do that. It's like taking a sandwich that's already great and then making it even greater by throwing some tomatoes on it. Yeah, college is going to teach me stuff, but blogging is going to help me learn more about it and about myself. And it's going to help me make it stick. Yes, this is going to be good for me.
So, 31 days. One month. That's the biggest blogaday I've ever undertaken. I've done a week before, I think twice. I did the 20 day blogaday marathon, which was so intense. This time around I'm shooting even higher. Do you realize that that's a twelfth of a year? That's huge. That's monumental. Ha, monumental means more to me since my last post, isn't that cool?
So, that's the plan. I hope you're happy and not upset about the decision. Thirty-one days is a very long time to blog without losing a day. So, comments are always appreciated, as always. In addition, if there's something you'd like to see a post about, feel free to make a request, and I'd love to address it. I don't think that I'll make a post strictly dedicated to that topic, but I'd really love to talk about it for a while.
Jason told me that I should do a reader request feature, so here I am. Even before blogaday, if there's something you'd like to see, I'm leaving it open in the comments here. I'll do my very best to address it. I don't really expect anything from this, but I'm leaving the offer on the table. I do love my community, as you know.
So that's the good news of the evening. Thirty-one day blogaday, I'm really just excited about it. If anyone is interested in taking the challenge and doing the 31 day marathon with me, I'd love to have a blogging buddy or two (or three, or several). It'd be a great way for us to kick off our distributed college experiences.
It's something that I'm committed to doing. I know it'll be incredibly difficult. The first couple days I might even have to blog from campus, since it'll take a bit to get the apartment hooked up with a good connection. But it's cool, I'm going to do it. I'm not sure what'll come out, but I'm excited about it. Hey, we'll take it as it comes, like we always have, right?
So, yeah. Blogaday is coming. And requests are open, if you'd like to request something. Anything else on the docket? Nah, just that I want to work harder. I want to move forward with life. It seems I've been having trouble with that lately. I just need to, you know, do it. I don't like pop culture, and I hate to use a popular term that I don't know much about, but I'm loving the "do work" idea. There's truth there, I like it.
For a post that was very limited on deep thoughts and heavy on announcements, this is pretty much the end. I hope things are going well for you all. I think we all need some help. And I think we all have a lot of help we can give each other. So, let's do it, right?
Saturday, August 02, 2008
No, I'm not Jaron or Nick, but sometimes I do just like to describe things on my desk.
So, you remember graduation? I clapped the loudest for Santy. At least I think I did. I wanted to. Looking back, I hope I did. You wanna know why? Because I'm proud of him for graduating. Because for him it was actually sort of a big deal. It wasn't just one of those things that just happened for him. He had to work for it. And I admire that. Graduation means a lot to Santy, and I was very happy for him. Amidst a sea of hundreds and hundreds of names being read that didn't mean a thing to me, I was genuinely happy to hear Santy's name. All feelings of "this is taking so long..." and "congratulations, faceless graduate #304..." were gone for a few moments as I basked in Santy's accomplishment.
I don't bring that up for any specific reason, other than to point out that there's an interesting nook of personality that most of us seem to have. I love the underdog, always, and accomplishments always mean more when someone has to work for them. Regardless of the actual value of the accomplishment, when someone worked for it, I'm happy for them. Of course, It really helps that I care about Santy as a person and as a friend, and that I'm interested in his journey through life. I just find that contrast interesting, though. I was happy for Kyle to graduate because it marked a transition for him. It was a step towards the rest of his life. I was happy for Santy because of his accomplishment. Even though his accomplishment was the exact same as Kyle's, it bore more weight in my heart than Kyle's. Interesting that our relationships in life have a tendency to throw the absolute value system out the window. Fortunate, clearly, but interesting nonetheless.
I didn't come here to write about Santy's graduation. But a text I recieved made me think of it, so I decided to run with it. I'm in the business of running with ideas when I'm writing. Even if they're a bit tangential.
I think that's one interesting (do you notice that everything is interesting when I write? Reminds me of what Jaron said- maybe my eyes are smoldering too...) thing that has developed with my blogging. Regardless (I also use regardless a lot. I'll explain that later though...) of my frequency in writing, it seems that when I do write, I just let it take me. I do usually come with a vague idea of what I want to say, but it usually doesn't show up. More often, I come to write because I feel a need or desire to write, not because I have anything specific to say. I come, and I write about what comes to me.
I think that this has developed for a few reasons. I've always believed that truth is the absolute defense. I also believe that truth, by its very nature, makes us happy. That is one of the main goals of this blog, and has been since sophomore year, I think. I feel like the things that I talk about tend to be about truth. Or, at least about my pursuit of truth. They're usually about understanding myself and others. I think that's something that we don't generally get to study, and I think it's something that's important. But, if I can offer bits of truth for myself or for others through this discursive writing, why shouldn't I?
Another reason that it happens is because of a dual weakness/strength that I have. My life is a sine graph. I realize that most teenagers believe that their life is a roller coaster. The math nerd inside of me knows that it's a sine graph. It's not exactly periodic, but it does *always* come back up (or down, depending on frame of reference). But, I go through phases of motivation. I know you've all seen them, whether or not you've been cognizant of them. I recognize that sometimes I'm very excited about blogging. I want to advertise by word of mouth to get more readers, I want to write informative and humorous posts, I want to start series, I want to be on a schedule, I want to do everything. When the motivation sine graph goes down, though, my blog is forgotten.
I've come to recognize this, and I believe that my writing style is an adaptation because of it. When I come to write, I come and write what I can. This post is more or less entirely encapsulated in this evening. It doesn't require any writing or planning from before, and it makes little responsibility for me in the future. It inherits the thinking I've done for the past 18 years of my life, clearly, but that's freely available. This post exists in its entirety here tonight, because it cannot afford to count on any other existence to keep it alive. This post holds a place in my heart and in my mind and on my keyboard and monitor for this evening alone. I cannot guarantee it that place tomorrow morning, as I don't know if I will have that inner desire or urge to write.
I think that's why I write the way I do. And I'm happy with it. It is, as I've said before, the way things are. And I love recognizing that things are the way they are. Sometimes I don't do that, and that's when I get unhappy. One of my most beloved excerpts...
11:41: "Why are things the way they are? Why, because if they were any other way, we would be asking ourselves why they are the way that they are, totally ignorant of the fact that things aren't the way that they are in the world where they're not different."
That's one thing I certainly do love. Wisdom from the past. Not that the excerpt is a great morsel of wisdom, but simply that it represents a moment in my life where I learned something. Or, remembered something? Depends on how you look at it. It joined my inventory, or spellbook, or whatever vague RPG reference you'd like to make. I like that.
I think that every sentence carries a bit of a flavor with it. That one, back there, the one about the vague RPG reference- it had a negative flavor to it. Or, sarcastic, or, condescending, or a bit cynical? I don't know, but it didn't fit as well. It didn't match the flavor of the rest of the post. It's all subconscious, obviously, but it reflects the feeling and mood that I'm in right now. I don't want to say something that doesn't reflect that mood.
It doesn't require much editing, this flavor thing that I tend to do. I do it when I need to, but mostly it comes out pure. That's something I love about this writing. Purity. It's just me, writing about what I'm thinking about. It's exploration and discovery and sharing and caring about others and practice and progress and love and following and leading and fulfilling and so many things at once.
Sometimes writers leave an "Mmmmm." paragraph to be poetic, or to make a statement. I will admit that I have done that in the past. This is not the case with the previous paragraph. It exists because it's what I was thinking, seeing, subvocalizing. It's a deep (but not sharp) intake of breath, slowly accepting life into one's lungs. The last sentence, it is a step too far into the realm of abstract transcendtalism, I think. Well, at least, it's one step further than I usually go with my writing. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just not something that I'm usually in the business of doing. Some nights call for that kind of language and thinking. I believe that this night called for one sentence of it. Maybe later on it will call for more, we will see, won't we?
I wonder about readers sometimes. I've heard before that sometimes its very hard to make it through my long posts. I understand. Since I started working, it's very hard for me to make it through all the blogs I normally read. I let the personal finance blog I read get backed up to about 40 entries before I read some tonight. I understand if people don't read. And I know that these posts can be difficult to get through.
Why do I post such material, then, if it's so clearly difficult? Because I still think it's a decent thing to do. Because I'm not in the business of pleasing everybody. Because I think my posts, and these posts in particular, fill a need for me and perhaps for a few others. I like to fill that need.
Do you believe that we are destined to do things, to be things? Do you believe that that destiny wasn't ever written in stone? I feel like this blog sort of has a purpose. But, it wasn't born with that purpose. And, it wasn't created with that purpose in mind. But, because the blog has become something that is able to do something, something has destined it to do that something. Take from that what you wish. But, well, I believe it, in a way.
And it's not just about the blog, but about us, as individuals. I think that because of choices we make, we're given things to do. But I don't think we'd be given those things to do if we hadn't made certain choices. I like to think about things like this. And I like to write about them here. I hope that all this talk about things I think and things I believe doesn't bother my audience. I never really intend to put things I write about out there as fact. I'm trying to learn things, and I feel like I do that through finding an idea that I feel good about, and then adopting it as if it is true, and finding out through living if it is. If it's not, life will break the idea, and I can toss it out.
Wow, I just had a learning moment. It came through text, even. I believe that this may be the first deep post that I have been texting through. It seems to be the first one I've admitted to texting through, at least. But I think it really is the first. In any event, someone important asked me, talking about my blog, "what is it that you like about it so much?" And I gave her an answer, but it was an answer that I hadn't ever put together in words before. I said a few things, but the most important one was this: "It's like I'm preserving part of me so serve- even after I'm no longer around."
Do I believe that? Yes. I believe that I've been blessed with a lot of truth. That whatever we choose to believe in, I feel like I have some truth, and that I have the ability to share that truth. I feel like that blog is a way for me to do that. And I believe that that truth is something that helps people.
Now, of course, I'm not setting myself up as some prophet of blogging. But, haven't you heard me write so often about saying things, "as a monument to the way I'm feeling tonight"? I do it all the time. It's like I'm capturing a part of my life and preserving it. Not because I think it'll be a good idea in the morning, but because I feel like it's the right thing to do. I feel like it's a responsibility and an opportunity I have, to leave monuments to my journey through life. How do I say what I feel and know inside? If I've been given what I believe I've been given, I feel like I have a responsibility and opportunity to share it. And I feel like these monuments are, perhaps, not simply for my benefit.
I believe we're connected. I understand that there is a lot of religious diversity amongst the readership. I celebrate that. But I don't think I'll offend anyone with this. I believe that we're all very connected, and that we are not meant to journey through this life alone. I believe that we exist, in large part, to help others exist. I believe that this blog is an opportunity for me to do a little bit to fulfill the purpose of my creation.
And that's big. Really big. For more than one reason. And, it's alright if you don't believe it. But it's what I believe, as funny as that sounds. You can tell I believe it, because I've got that smile right now. No teeth, but my cheeks are pulled up a bit without me thinking about it. You can tell.
Do you ever wonder why you are the way you are? Do you wonder why you're here? And not only why you're here, but why you're here in the way that you are here? I wonder about it a lot. And I feel like I have a lot of those answers, but I also feel like there's a lot for me to discover yet. But I feel like one of the reasons I'm here is to serve. I think that's one of the reasons why I am the way I am. And there are reasons that I believe this way, that I can share with you if you'd really like. But I'd like to do it in person, if that's alright. If you're interested, you know how to get a hold of me, I do love comments.
But, well, I feel strongly about my life. And about reasons for my life. And about our connectivity. There are experiences in my life that speak a lot about that connectivity. Did you know that I've loved? And I'm not talking about a relationship, and that's something that makes me very happy. It helps me sleep at night.
And maybe that's where my writing ends for the evening. I'd love to continue, but, I feel like it may be a good idea to stop here. I have learned something tonight. Or, reaffirmed something, stronger. It's given me a greater reason to blog forth. So, I've got a plan. And I think you'll be hearing about the plan shortly. But I don't want to share the plan here, because I feel it'd be a shame to leave such a good post with a plan that might not actually come to fruition. But I hope it does come to fruition.
So, I know that I end my posts like this often, but, thanks for being here friends. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for being part of my life. I hope that you're doing well. I hope that things are okay for you. I hope that we keep being connected like we are, maybe even more.
This individual is going to take what he's learned tonight and head to bed. But I'm going to try to remember, because it's important. Life's important. Thanks friends, I'm sending that smile.