Logan Blogaday - Day Ten

Happy day ten everybody. Look at us go, making it a third of the way through.

So right now I'm in a pretty good mood. I attribute that mostly to kind Divine intervention. It's 2:27, and I just got done taking care of my first calc three assignment. I started it around one, so it actually went pretty smoothly. It was a very kind math assignment, as far as math assignments go. Lots of graphs and conceptual questions, not a lot of beating of dead horses. It was much easier than Kyle's calc II assignments have been, that's for sure. I'm grateful for that.

I spent a lot of time today very upset with Utah State. My engineering graphics professor isn't very good. The class is designed to teach us the ideas and processes of designing things, and it's also there to get us acquainted with solid edge, the program we use to model with. I'm not computer illiterate, and I'm not a retard, but I was entirely lost in that class today. I know I can't lay all the blame on the professor, but really now? I was trying, and it just wasn't working out. He's a super nice guy, he just isn't very good at isntructing. My physics recitation today was slightly better than graphics, but that's like saying being eaten by alligators is slightly better than being eaten by lions. It's still not a pleasant experience.

So two of my three academic classes today were bunk, seriously. That had me mad about this whole college experience. Why am I even here if I'm not learning anything? Of my professors, two of them don't look like they offer me anything. I'll learn the course material through the resources available, obviously, but I sort of wonder how higher education ever got away with all of this. How did they trick us into coming? A third of my professors are offering me nothing, how does that work out? I was pretty upset about stuff.

But, hey, it'll be alright. I'm going to do the best I can. I'm going to learn it, because learning is something that carries eternal value with it. Even if it's a chore, I'm going to do my best.

Sometimes I feel rebellious. I sort of want to take a semester off of my four-year plan and just explore a bunch of courses to see what I like. That sounds so terribly unproductive, and there's a good chance I won't do it, but I sort of want to be the guy that changes majors. Mechanical engineering sounds peachy, but it just doesn't seem to be me. I've put a lot of thought and work into all of this, and I know that I can make it work as a mechanical engineer. And I don't necessarily think that there is something else that I'm supposed to do with my life. But I don't think that I'm supposed to be an engineer either. I think that I can be what I want.

That makes things so hard for me. I've spent my whole life trying to do what I'm supposed to do. There is generally a right thing to do. I've tried really hard to find out what that is and to do it. It has only been recently that I've begun to notice that there are some things in life that I'm supposed to choose the thing that I want. I had a major crisis at the end of junior year when I had to choose between madrigals or the newspaper. I tried for a very long time to figure out which one was "right". There simply wasn't a right answer, it was cool for me to do whichever one I wanted. I haven't had much practice wanting things. That sounds so terrible of me, but it's sort of true. I'm very happy to do what I believe is right. I'm happy to eat for lunch exactly what I think is the right thing to eat. I don't put a ton of thought into what I want, I generally just choose what I think is the right thing to choose for whatever reasons.

Sometimes there just isn't an answer. Sometimes it's about me choosing what I want to do. But no matter what, I'm still subconsciously looking for something to be "right". There are a few things in life that are pretty easy to peg as things that I'm supposed to choose. College major is one of them. Girls to date and/or marry is another one.

This scares the pants off of me. Here are two *huge* decisions. If we classify decisions into two types, ones that have a right answer, and ones that don't, I'm only good at one of those kinds. These two really really really important ones fall into the category I don't have much practice with. I'm reminded of Nickmo's joke about figuring out girls with calculus, "my normal approach is useless here!"

So, not to worry, but how am I supposed to find something that I want to do? I really feel like I have a lot to offer the world. I think that's one of the biggest concerns that I have about all of this. I don't want to do something where I can't use what I've been given to make things better for people. I worry that I won't be able to do that with engineering. I know that no matter what I do, I'll have the chance to help people. My career won't dictate that. But still, I don't want to shove the potential I have in a hole.

But there I go, did you hear those undertones? It's like, "I'm supposed to do something great and help people, so there's got to be one path that maximizes that path." I'm looking for the thing that I'll be best at. The one option. But I don't think there's one option.

Sorta crazy. I'm not in love with mechanical engineering, that's for sure. Maybe it'll grow on me, it's only been a week. I'm not discontent with the major just yet. But maybe there is something I'd rather do. Maybe there's something that makes my heart go a-flutter. Maybe there's something that I'm better at. Maybe there's not.

I could teach high school, honestly. I could go into medicine. I could be a blasted parkitect.

My life is a sine graph, I've documented it often. I know this is one of those things that comes and goes. But hey, isn't that important?

So, I dunno what I'm gonna do about it. But I don't want to hate my life because I didn't have the guts to say, "you know what, I was wrong when I declared that major. I'm going to throw away a semester of education to make sure that I get it right." I know my family won't like the idea at all, but that's alright. I'm not saying I'm going to take a semester to explore, but I might just consider it.

In any event, it draws late, as it so often does. I'm going to run off. I hope that you're all doing well. Really. I like you guys, you're pretty cool. Things are going well up here, but it's not all roses, but that's okay. Goodnight friends, much love~