Saturday, January 07, 2006

Feel free to not read this.

Welcome. Nobody reads this anymore. Nobody writes anything of their own anymore. That leads to a very bored Christopher Thatcher. Oh well though, not too much I can do about the matter. There was a point where the reason I wrote in this was simply to entertain the masses. When I get on to my computer, I check everybody I know's blog, to see if anyone wrote anything. Maybe once in 10 they have. That's dreadfully boring. So, I decided that I was going to fill the gap. Even though I don't especially get a kick out of reading what I've written in the past, I figured maybe you guys would like it. That way, at least one of us isn't bored. Maybe this blog is boring, or maybe you're only entertained for the 5 or so minutes it takes to read this stuff, but at least it's something right?

Making people smile is a good thing. On good days, that's one of my ultimate goals. That's what I want to do. I don't want to grow up to be a comedian, but I want to be able to make people smile by doing whatever it is I'm going to do. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, because chances are I'm going to grow up to be a no-name brand man that gets mentioned in the paper once for something nerdy he did. Either way, i'm going to make a difference. Whether it be through changing the entire world, or whether it be by changing one person's life for the better, somehow I'm going to make a difference. There once was a time when I was very very happy with the dent I had left in the world. Back in the day. I figure I might have left a little dent in the world, but in the process of leaving the dent I've smashed other dents.

The idea of quitting while you are ahead is a very good one. I think that time was a while ago, but oh well, I'm still here, just writing. Nothing can really be awesome forever. Take for example homestar. Quality entertainment for however many years. Now it is pretty much stupid. Nobody likes it. Now, instead of thinking back on homestar with very fond memories, I think back and get a crappy taste in my mouth cause its not even good. Its the same way with the simpsons. They were golden, they taught me everything I know. And now look at them, just pretty lame business.

The problem with quitting while you are ahead is the problem of never knowing when it's going to cap. You buy 100 shares of something, and watch its value steadily rise. It hits $300, and you think "hey, I ought to sell, but lets see if it goes higher." And then it plumets to $5 a share the next day. gg.

So pretty much, I'm just tired. That whole analogy probably doesn't make sense to anybody. It's not about the girl situation by the way. Now it makes even less sense, hooray.

Nothing new has happened in my life. I'm still plodding along in school, not doing anything spectacular, just keeping my head above the water. Olsen has taken to showing blatant favortism towards me. He doesn't even try to hide it. "My prediction is that Thatcher here is going to be the first one done." C'mon, who just does that? I don't know if he thinks I'm depressed and wants to inflate my ego beyond its ridiculous size or what, but it was kinda weird. Oh well, I guess I appreciated it.

Anyways, on to the main action. Time is a very intriguing thing. I've been thinking about it tonight, and time is crazy. There are 3 subjects that I don't entirely understand that I want to talk about.

Number 1, is the selective observance that we have of time. Whenever I go to 24 hour fitness and run of their treads, I am constantly watching the clock. Running hurts, it's not too comfortable when you're trying to train. I love to just go jog, but treads keep you up at a high speed, and Im almost always running on inclines, so it's not fun. I just want it to end, but I always stick through to the end. I know it takes about 7 minutes to run the mile the speed I'm going, and I count it down second by second. It goes amazingly slow. The one thought that keeps me happy when I run is this "in 3 minutes, you're going to be done, and this pain will be gone, you won't feel it any more. The person that you are going to be in 3 minutes is going to be happy, comfortable, and stronger. The person you are going to be in 3 minutes isn't going to remember how much you want to stop. That person is going to be very happy to limp over to the drinking fountain and get a drink. He doesn't care how much you hurt, he's going to be happy." And so I go on like that. One cycle of that thought usually takes about 5 seconds, depending on how fast my brain is talking to myself. Once I've repeated that however many times, with however many variations I come up with, I'm done.

And you know what? It comes true, every time. The person that I am 3 minutes after that moment feels great. The problem is, the person on the tread mill and the person waddling to the drinking fountain can never ever talk to each other. They are entirely different people. Sure, it's still me, but that me and the other me never talk. Time goes so slow for thos 3 minutes, and it hurts. But the comfort is, that other guy sure is going to be happy.

Now, here's the terrible terrible catch. One day later, I'm back on that treadmill. Well "I'm" back on the mill. That version of me says "ok, you're going to survive this. In 5 minutes, you're going to walk over there, and be happy..... Wait a minute. You've said this before. And guess what, I'm back, and it hurts again. What the heck happened to that happiness I was supposed to feel from getting off the treadmill the first time? Why am I back? What happened to the past 24 hours of my life? where's the fat hapyy kid at the drinking fountain? Why am I here again?"

Do you see the problem? those 3 minutes seem so eternal, and yet I'm incapable of remembering how I felt so good being a fat kid the next 24 hours. The end conclusion that I have come to, is that you can only feel the one way that you feel at the given instant that you are in. We can think from the past, and we can think from the future to an extent, but we can never feel from either. The way that we feel is linked to the timeframe that we are in.

The same phenomena happens when I'm in a meet. I think alot about time when I'm running. Just because of the nature of the sport, as well as the fact that I want time to go faster, and yet I want myself to go faster than time. I feel so crappy in meets, I want it to end. and yet, one week later, I'm back in the same situation. We feel the way we do at one point, and that makes us who we are. We make decisions based on our emotions. I don't care what they say, people make decisions based on how they feel. The grand suite of someone's decisions leads to the actual identity of a person. That's why we're never the same person twice.

We tend to observe time when it is a big factor in our lives. I find that when time is the biggest factor in my life is when I want something to end, usually pain. This is when we remember time. We lose track of time when we are enjoying ourselves. Hanging out with friends, sleeping, doing whatever it is we like to do. We never think about time when we don't want to worry about it. We only observe time when it's against us. Selective observance.

Number 2: The March.

We cannot stop time. We know this. How long does it take us to figure this out? Well, I'm yet to figure it out. It relates to our existence in only one instance of time. 30 minutes ago when I was writing this, I didn't know what I would be thinking right now. Right now, I can't remember what I was thinking 30 minutes ago. I can't go back to me 30 minutes ago and change things. I can't talk to the guy that was sitting in my chair writing.

Unforunately for us, we're yet to figure it out. At least I am. My sister just made cookie dough. And so, I went and ate some. I love cookie dough, it tastes amazing. I am so happy to have eaten that cookie dough, but now I want more. I can't hold on to that feeling of happiness that the cookie dough gave me. Tomorrow, I am going to want cookie dough, just like every other day of my life. Time is going to rip this feeling away from me, and force me to feel something else. Then one day, all of that is going to go away, and I'm going to be utterly content for a few moments while I eat the next batch of cookie dough.

Time, it just keeps going. Never stops. funny, or tragic? The world would be a much different place if we could stop time. I don't even know where I'm going with this? is anyone still reading this? Is it worth reading? Probably not. I'm never truly gonna know if anyone read this. I'm never going to know if this impacted anyone. This just gets sent out there, and stays there. People want to be understood. People need to say things. Its for themselves, but they have to say it to other people. Why is that? Why do we naturally want to throw our thoughts upon others? Why are we not content to just think a thought, and be satisfied with creating that thought. It's not because we wish to be respected for our thoughts, is it? I don't think it is, but I might be wrong. Either way, I want more cookie dough.

That was a very off topic paragraph. Tomorrow morning I'm going to feel like deleting this post. There's a chance that that will happen. If that does happen, nobody will ever read this. I'm not even going to read it once I'm done with it, I'm just going to post it. Why are these things so long? Why don't I just say something then shutup? Who really cares about what I think about time? "Say it, say it well, and shutup dummy" Well guess what. I'm not gonna. Feel free to quit reading. Go ahead and be my guest. I'd love nothing more than for someone to read this, and say "hey, I read it, and I understood it."

But ya know, that's not gonna happen. go ahead. quit. You've read long enough.

I made a little video today, and I'm pretty sure the only person that is ever going to see it is robert. He gave it a 5 out of 10. It's not good, I spent about 30 minutes dinking around in flash to make it. It was the first time I'd used flash since 7th grade, so it sucked big time. it was fun though, at least it made me laugh.

Its kind of sad knowing that nobody is going to see it. I intended for it to be seen, but it probably won't ever be seen again. Not that it's worth seeing or anything, but its just that desire to thrust your thoughts on others.

I cleaned my room today, and I ran across some old notes from 9th grade that had been stowed away. You know, I never thought 9th grade would end. I just expected it to keep going. And here I am, in 10th grade, looking back on what happened. Some notes made me super happy, made me giggle like a school girl. Others, were just simply momentos of a former life. I don't think I spelled that right. In 9th grade, I couldn't picture myself reading those notes a year later. You live life forward, but you can only understand it backwards. I stumbled across kyle's classic "you're living a lie" note. That was a quality note. I'm not mad at him for it. I was only mad at him for 2 hours, then I just thought it was hilarious. me and my dear mother talked about that about a year ago. I remember these things. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I get the general idea. I had no idea how I'd turn out as a result of that note, or as a result of the corndog I ate that day. However, here I am now, the product of 15 years of living. I am made of what I did. Hi guys.

We live here and now. Tomorrow we're going to live then, but it'll be here to us. In my journal the other night I wrote "I've got a chem test tomorrow, and I'm not gonna do too well. Tell me how I do." The next night i wrote "Hey, I got a 92." The me the night before really really wanted to know what I would get, but I couldn't tell him. I can write it down though. The next person to read that notebook will have a near instantaneous answer to the question that I asked. He's going to see "what will I get?" and 20 seconds later see that I got a 92. Lucky him.

Sometimes you just gotta spill your guts. This is what I want to talk about. This is what I'm talking about now. The problem with this is that you don't know if anyone is catching your guts. this is a very indirect gut toss. your guts can sometimes hang in the air for a week before somebody catches them here. in that week, I'm going to change. I'll be a new person. Heck, I'll be a new person after I've read my scriptures tonight. I won't feel like this. In the morning I'll feel tired, but very happy. it'll make me want to nuke this post. I'm going to try to resist the urge. We'll see.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Solomon Short

I think I've posted that before. When you give a person like me a medium to get all his loneliness out, you're bound to get alot of crap. There's alot of good stuff to read out there on the internet. And then there's stuff like this, that probably doesnt deserve an audience, but wants one like nothing else. This is 3.5 pages single spaced. 2500 words.

Anyways, on to something that might be worth reading.

I've decided that there are 3 ways to solve a problem. One way, is to simply fix the problem. If a girl says no guys like her, you show her a guy that likes her, and problem is solved. Another way, if a girl says no guys like her, you explain to her that guys are poop, and that she doesn't need to worry about it. The third way, and my current favorite, is simply to make them happy for however much time you can.

Right now my good pal Jenny is having alot of trouble with some angry cheerleaders. She quit cheer because it was brutal, and now they're all attacking her. I used to be afraid of cheerleaders for no reason. Then I learned that they're real people too. And now I'm afraid of them all over again.

Anyways, I can't change what the other girls said to her. I can't take back all the mean junk. I can't tell her that they didn't say it, because they did. I'm having a difficult time telling her it doesn't matter. In batman begins, the nice cop tells little bruce when his parents get killed, that it's going to be ok, it's ok. It's not ok, his parents just died. Sometimes you just can't tell them it's ok. What I can do, is try to make her smile. Maybe the relief is only temporary, but nearly everything in this life is nearly temporary.

So maybe I crack a few jokes, and make her happy for a bit. have I changed the world? For a few seconds, maybe. have I made a huge impact? Probably not. But at least for a little bit I helped, and that feels good.

This is alot like talking to yourself. Except that there may or may not be silent observers out there, you just don't know. If any of you have actually read this far, I appreciate it alot. If you can't tell, I've been a tad lonely. Generally there's someone in my life that I just talk to. Nah, there's not. Someday there will be, as soon as I wisen up. Until then, it's off to the bottle factory until I blow up and write a blog that nobody wants to read.

ya know, the great thing is, I already want to delete this post. Thats my favorite part. me right now wants to go kick the me that was sitting in my chair 30 minutes ago's butt. Tell him not to be an emo girl, to get over her, and stop wasting people's time with unhappy blogs. This isn't gonna make anybody smile. It's just going to bore them with my rantings. But you know what, as a tribute to the old me, I'm going to keep it up. The older me at least.

Emily dickenson (if that's her name) was a crazy poet. She wrote alot of stuff, and hit it in vases and random drawers all over her house. Then she died, people went in, and found it all. She had hid it there. I think that is amazing. I wonder if she wrote it just to write it, and then hid it so nobody would find it. I wonder if maybe she wanted it found. I think its more fun to imagine that she didn't want it found. I find that very noble. Me, I'm not noble at all. I couldn't stand to hide anything. I want things found. I want to share, and if sharing isn't an option, I want to thrust my ideas.

It's 12:10. Thats how my thought process has gone for the last hour. In and out of course. are you still here? I'm never going to know. Oh well I guess. If this blog is still here in the morning, which I kind of hope it is, and sort of hope it isn't, I might find out. These feelings are going to be gone in the morning though. I'm gonna be fine in the morning. That's kind of a ripoff. You can feel so strongly about something, and then 8 hours later it's gone. When you wake up, you feel like you understand, and that you were just screwed up last night. But maybe it's the other way around. Maybe its like the giver, maybe my pills just wear off late at night. Maybe I feel like going crazy and hitting someone. chances are I'm sane both times, but I feel pretty real right now. I feel real and very cheerful when I wake up, but now I feel real and a little frustrated.

I guess we're always real, we're always us, but we're never us the same way that we were us a couple minutes ago. I guess nobody cares about what I guess anymore really, not after 4 pages of it. That's really what I want, somebody who cares about all this trash that I've just said. Somebody that I don't have to think about what I'm going to say, somebody who just accepts what I say. They don't have to agree with it, but it'd be nice to not have to think of what I can and can't say. It's a good thing I live in america, or I'd be shot. Not because I feel like saying anything against any government right now, but simply because if I couldn't, I'd do it, just to be a butthead.

You'd think with all the writing I do I'd be good at it. haha, too bad. I honestly thought this blog was drawing to a close a couple paragraphs ago, but it's still going. When is it going to end? I'm not sure. I bet I could write forever. If I didn't care about what whoever was going to read this would think, I could go on for hours and hours about anything. But ya know, people don't want to know what you think sometimes. "
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." Bill Cosby

Now my font is different, great. Maybe I ought to stop worrying. The trouble with that, is that then terrible things happen. At least that's the perception.

Am I different? In a very real sense, I'm not any different than you. Obviously I am different, I know that. But I'm not the only one. There are people like me out there. In fact, every person out there is truly like me. Is any of what I have actually written here deep? No deeper than you. Have I ever been happier than you, or sadder than you? Nope. We tend to forget, at least I do. When I say "we" I mean "I", just thought I'd clear that up. Its not that I like to refer to myself as more than one person, even though I've done it numerous times tonight. Its that I refer to people in a general sense with the we. The problem is, I can only understand people as a general from my own experiences.

Wow, why havent I shut up yet? somebody tell me.

If I write any longer I'm gonna nuke the post. I might even nuke it now. What's my deal? I really wanna nuke it. Yeah, most definitely. This shouldn't really see the light of day. I guarantee the next post I write is gonna be "Sorry for that last post, it sucked. Now here's something cheerful." Well, maybe that won't happen. It's going to take a very strong man in me not to destroy this post in the morning. Hmm. As a tribute to old me, I'll leave it. at least I'll try to leave it. I hope that i leave it.

Here's what's going to happen. Tomorrow I'm going to be happy. So happy in fact, that I'm gonna think I was an idiot tonight for not being happy. Am I really all that sad? Nah, honestly I'm not. I'm just saying alot of things that I wouldn't normally ever say. The problem is, I'm relying way too much on me. that's just not the way to go. Doesn't do you any good. There's definitely alot smarter action going on out there.

It's good night time. Maybe some day I'll do this again, or maybe some day I'll spare you all. I really hope that somebody reads this. I doubt that anyone will. You all had the choice to quit. If you read it, thank you, I needed somebody to listen to me.


Anonymous said...

Chris what would i do without you?i love you to death! you make me smile when no one else can andput things back into perspective .. or at least our perspective.

Nick said...

It's "mementos." Anyways, I care Chris. I read it all, even if I didn't really "read" it all. You've probably been happier than me, because I'm not a very happy person most of the time, and you have probably been sadder than me, because I haven't had a lot of crappy stuff happen to me. Let's face it,Chris. You can't be happy all the time, and I absolutely hate those people. Okay, I don't hate them, I just don't understand how they can stand to be like that. It sickens me in a lot of ways. But if you're sad, here's a really cool quote to cheer you up:

"If there really were some powerful, evil dark lord [i.e., Satan], would he really want to hang out with 4 or 5 goth kids in a basement?"--Moby.