Thursday, October 02, 2008

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Eleven

2:26 AM. Late, but dang happy about it.

Today went well. On a lot of fronts. There were a few fronts that didn't go well, but today was definitely better than it was worse. That's for a lot of reasons.

I got my calc test back today. I got 93/100. There were only 10 people above 90. The class has 40 people, so that looks pretty good. I lost two points on an easy arithmetic I just screwed up. The other five points came from the limit definition of a derivative, like I knew they would. But still, I was very very happy about it. Cannon (my professor, who is a stud) doesn't test very hard, but it still felt great to know that I understood stuff. That's more what it's about than anything. Yeah, having a good score is awesome, but this is actually proof that this college thing can work. It's hard to get to calculus on time, it's hard to do my homework before midnight, but I am learning. Maybe I can make it happen after all.

I slept through physics, again. Today was especially bad in there. I didn't stay awake for more than 10 minutes before I started dozing off. I was out for a few, and when I came back to I was all hot and uncomfortable. The right side of my chest was feeling tight and a little hurty. Not heart attack style. It kinda felt like my lungs do after I sleep in too long on a saturday and take a very deep breath. It wasn't any cause for alarm, but it made me uncomfortable. I wanted more than anything to just stand up and leave.

I could actually get a lot from the lectures if I'd read the chapters beforehand. That's hard to do. But it'd change things. Right now that's the class that I'm doing the worst in. More news on that later. But if I was going to focus on changing one class, I should probably focus on physics.

Creative Arts test today, I got an 88. That was more good news. That was only slightly above average, but I'm happy with it. Definitely a safe score. I really like creative arts. It's an honors class, so there's only 40 of us in there. Dr. Peterson is incredible. He knows who I am. It's insane. He knows I'm chris and he knows that I play halo and carry about Lawrence (or is it Laurence? I'm a terrible father!) six. After tonight, he knows about the jello story.

We had a "Creative Expo" for that class tonight. Since it's an honors class someone decided that'd be a cool idea. In theory, we all got together at six at the family life building and showed off our talents. In reality I showed up at 6:45 to something a whole lot cooler. We had had to move the room because the one we were planning on being in wouldn't work. That threw a lot of the talents out the window, since half the people wanted to play piano. But I showed up 45 minutes later to lots of pizza left and Dr. Peterson just chilling with all the kids that showed up. Just having a cool discussion, asking questions, just hanging out. It was so dang cool.

After a while we actually started sharing talents, and that was a lot of fun. One guy showed off some sick woodwork he did. Another girl read some poetry of hers. She prefaced it by saying that her writing was very personal, and that it didn't rhyme, because he worries more about conveying one emotion at one specific time. Jaron has spoiled me, that's for sure. He's got skills. Her poetry was a ton rougher than his, didn't have the polish. But there was something incredible about the first poem she read. Her words weren't really beautiful, but what she was saying was amazing. It was titled thunderstorm or something like that. Once again, not showing the poetic maturity I've come to expect from my friends, but still. She progressed from talking about a thunderstorm brewing inside of her to a teardrop that escaped to a ray of hope and light that got refracted off of that teardrop into a rainbow that promised the sun would come out another day. I'm not doing it justice, but the progression was just incredible. It was one of those things that hit me and made me remember that some people really are like me. I really related to it and loved it.

A few more talents were shared. Highlights include some cool artwork one guy did that I didn't get to see and chocolate zucchini muffins. Dr. Peterson asked if I had one, and since I hadn't prepared anything, I said no. When I saw that we still had lots of time and that things would be way chill, I decided to stand up and share my jello story. It was a cool environment to share it in, and I really appreciated how it went. I stood in front of the very casual and friendly group and just told my awesome jello story. They were really good listeners, and I think they liked it. Someone asked if I was going to ever recreate it, and I said, "Probably not. It was only cool because we did it so fast. If I recreated it I'd have all the time in the world, which wouldn't make it as cool." Dr. Peterson, being the stud he is, said, "No, it was cool because you had a reason to do it." I dunno why I thought that was so cool, but I really did. Actually, no, I do know why I think that's so cool. And I agree with him.

I did my physics tonight. It feels so good. I came home from the honors doober and read my chapter and then did the work. I finished the work at about 1:35 ish. I had done perfect until the last problem, which I got 0% on. So I did a few extra credit problems to make up for it and called it good. The material this time was really pretty easy. I love reading the chapter because then I actually understand it. I didn't read the last time, and it kicked my butt.

There's another assignment due Friday night, and I'd love nothing more than to just get it done tomorrow evening. The chapter is shorter than the one I did today, and so is the assignment. The material will be a little bit newer, but I think that I should be able to do it. That'd be great. Get that assignment done before it's actually due. That'd make friday sweet.

So that's the plan. Wake up before noon tomorrow and read the chapter. At least start it. It's late now, but I took a nap today. It was a strategic nap. I've been shying away from those lately, in an attempt to change my life. But it worked out today pretty well I think.

The news: Life feels better when I do my physics homework. Life also feels better when I'm with people, being friendly. Life feels good when I remember good things that have happened before.

That is one thing I've noticed. I think that coming to a completely new environment like this sort of shocked me into a hard reboot. I came back with the same hardware and software, but I felt like I was totally different, that I didn't have anything that I had worked so dang hard at to get before I came up. Telling the Jello story tonight made me remember the past. Made me remember some of the stuff that I'm good at and some of the cool stuff that I've accomplished. I know I can't ride off of high school successes anymore, but it's important that I don't forget them. They're still part of me. It's important. I believe, and I've said it here a lot, that as people we're the sum total of all the choices that we make. I've made a lot of choices. Lots of them before I moved to Logan. I can't forget those. I can't pretend those haven't changed me and taken me places. This isn't high school. But what happened back there still matters. I need to remember that. And I think I can.

So today was good. Still had moments of serious sleepiness. Still had moments of self-doubt and dreary outlook. But things came together. Hard work makes me feel good. Tests came back today that show I'm not a big retard. We're getting there. Still a lot to do.

Changing my life- it's not going to be a flash. I said that before. Back in the Logan blogaday I remember saying that I've been looking for easy answers. That I wanted to fall asleep and have a dream that would make everything make sense. It'd make me want to work harder and it'd tell me what to do about stuff. I knew it wouldn't come.

Changing my life, it sorta feels like that's what I've been looking for again. Something to come and change me in a flash. But that's not going to happen. I want to do my physics tomorrow. Will accomplishing that mean I've changed? It'll mean two good days in a row, but it won't mean that the quest is over. I don't stay at the same value for too long. I'm constantly progressing and regressing. If we can determine anything about the graph of my life, we can certifiably say that it's continuous. No jumps, no breaks, and certainly no asymptotes. But continuous, that means that I can't go too far from where I was yesterday or a minute ago. The important part of the graph, I think, will be the general slope of the line from point a to point b at the end of the game. Derivatives at any given point aren't incredibly significant at the end. I mean, they're important because they get us where we are. But where will I be at the end? Higher? I certainly hope so.

There are only a few things that could make this night any better. My apartment smelling like girls I care about would be one of them. Not sure why I threw that out there, but it's 2:59 AM, give me a break. I'm allowed to wish this place smelled a little better, right?

As a note, my apartment does smell good. I cleaned up in here last week, and me and Andrew have kept it looking nice. It just doesn't smell as nice as it could.

Okay, this is probably where I should stop. I'm glad I got to write tonight. Things have fallen into place tonight- not even close to mostly my fault. But for what it's worth, I feel like today was good. Tomorrow has a very valid shot at being good too.

I hope that you're all doing well. One day down. Not sure how many left, but that's one important day that we made it through. Here's to one more.

No comments: