Change My Life Blogaday - Day Thirteen

1:11 AM - Weekend excuse, anyone? Is that twelve o'clock goal even still on the table? Let's be serious here. I certainly haven't been living my life like it is. I have done so much better at getting to bed. But that's not twelve. That's one or two instead of three or four. That's a big difference.

I'm at home tonight, and that makes me real happy. I haven't been home for about a month. I never really planned on going that long without coming home, but I guess it sort of worked out that way.

It's really good to be home, though. It's good to be with my parents and talk to them and joke with them a little bit. It's really cool to see how things around here have changed. It's only a month, and it's not a big deal, but the yard is doing well. Our tomato plants are finally bearing tomatoes (that means me and Andrew get to take some to Logan- Score!) and the pumpkin patch exploded. We have some seriously huge pumpkins growing. It makes me happy to see the old sandbox being so incredibly fertile.

I love that transformation. It was a sandbox for us kids for many years. Totally infertile. Once we were all more grown up and the swing-set gone, we started dumping our leaves from the tree and the clippings from the lawn in there in hopes of it going all mulchy composty. At the request of the kids, we tossed the pumpkin guts and seeds out there from last time we carved. Dad borrowed a tiller this spring and tilled the whole thing up.

Flash forward a few months and we have the biggest residential pumpkin patch I've ever seen. Okay, so it's not like, huge, but it's big. Takes up almost all of the sand box. And spills over several feet onto the lawn in every direction. It just makes me happy to see it happen, that's all.

Mom and Dad started a tiny remodeling project in the house too. They're just changing the way our entry-way works a bit. Taking out the two closets that used to be there and making it a lot wider. We're gonna put the piano out front in the entry way (I know, I know...). It'll be pretty good though. It's a nice change, at least.

A few thoughts. Nuggets, I suppose.

I'm very excited for conference tomorrow and Sunday. College has been very good at a lot of things. One of those things has been breaking me down a little bit. I know I really need some help, and I'm excited to get some good instruction. That stuff is good for you.

I watched the fourth quarter of the Utah State v. BYU game tonight. Can I just say that I'm incredibly proud of my Aggies? That was an incredible quarter. Two touchdowns. They sacked Max Hall, AND made them punt it away after gaining almost nothing that one time. If we forget the bogus penalty call, they got their sweetly kicked offside-kick back. Neglect one more penalty call, and they scored maybe a third time. And did anyone see that INCREDIBLE QB keeper where he got 18 yards for the first down? He was shakin' and bakin' like nobody's business. It made me proud.

So, yeah, we lost. I wouldn't have it any other way against BYU. But we played well. And we played our hearts out. Fight to the very very end, even though we know we're out. That was a GREAT moral victory for the Aggies. That one makes me really happy. It's really hard not to be happy for those guys right now.

This is actually the first time I've consciously used "we" when referring to Utah State sports. Look at me go, being proud of my team.

I had some important thoughts last night after I posted. I went to bed pretty late, since I had taken naps. I don't like what naps do to the next day, but I love the effect they have on late night. I'm awake and pensive, and I just really value that time.

Anyways, I thought about community. Specifically, I knew I was coming home, and I thought about my ward. I won't be visiting my ward this week because of conference, but I remember how much they care about me and want me to succeed. I've been in the ward my whole life, and because of the demographics, I'm fairly well known there. That's just the way wards work. I thought about coming back and telling all the families and people about how I've been doing, what I've been accomplishing, and where I'm headed in the future. I thought about them smiling and encouraging me. I remembered a lot of the good things they've done for me to bring me to where I am. All the scout leaders, teachers, priesthood leaders- that's a whole lot of service rendered in order to help me become something great. It was a nice thing to remember. It was a very "home-y" feeling.

It really made me want to work hard, though. Remembering that all those people realy cared about me. They want me to succeed. Not only that, but they've got a vested interest in my success. They've been a part of my development. They've helped me become who I am, so why shouldn't they be rooting for my success? I didn't want to let them down. And I still don't want to let them down. And that same level of thought came my friends. Kirt, Kasey, Jose, Jared. They care about me too. I have a reason to try to be excellent. It's not just for me.

Thinking about all of this makes me remember all the older guys I used to run with. Noaksey, Porter, Clements, Whiting. I think Whiting is actually home now. But I remember those guys. I remember that they helped me. They cared too. And that makes me want to do better.

It's interesting how very strong that feels to me right now. I think it's interesting because I haven't thought about those people for a very long time. I haven't thought about living my life for other people for a while. I'm conscious of those around me, don't get me wrong. I try to serve, and I recognize that I'm not here just for me. But the idea of being excellent because it'll make other people smile, that's something I haven't thought of for some time. It's been there- it's not entirely new. But that's something I should hold on to.

This feeling contrasts with something I felt tonight. Something I've felt a lot, actually. I sort of hate discovering other people's blogs. I'm always very excited about it, but I'm secretly always threatened when I find them. Sophomore year was a bit of a blow when I discovered Jaron's blog. I found this kid that thought just as much as I did, and he wrote a little better too. Here he was, doing something that I did, and he was doing it well. I'm always a tiny bit upset when I see people write about how awesome they're doing with their life. How they're learning things about themselves and how they're moving forward.

This is not a calculated response, and it's not something I want to do. It's a sign of immaturity and insecurity. Now, mind you, this isn't some huge thing. And when it happens I fight it. But I do want to change it.

It's interesting because that's the exact opposite response as compared to the community or ward effect. With the community effect, people want you to succeed, they're on your side- just because they care about you. With the immaturity effect, I sorta want people not to, because that somehow threatens me.

Obviously everything points against the immaturity effect. Rightly so- it's a load of tosh. That's just something I want to root out of me. I do care about people. I care about a lot of people. And I am so happy for them when they succeed. My example from earlier, Jaron, is one of my favorite people ever now. I'm behind him one hundred percent. I would love to see him succeed, truly. So I know that I'm not a dirtbag all the time. I know that it changes. But what makes it change? How do I stop being threatened and start caring about people? How do I start loving people just for being people? How do I gain the maturity to be okay with not being the absolute best?

Some important stuff happened last night. I felt something very important as I was lying there getting ready for bed. Not a new feeling, but something that I hadn't felt just like that for a very long time. It came to me by surprise. When it came I felt like walls inside of my chest came down and relaxed. I felt like I had physically and mentally and spiritually changed by what I had felt. I didn't feel like I was suddenly a new person, but I felt like I had a little bit more. As some topics go, this isn't exactly the place to be discussing it. But it's out there if someone wants to talk about it, you know how to reach me. It was good for me.

What does it mean to be a good person? "What is the good life, and how do we live it?" What does it take to change my life? What does it take to change me into someone better? Who do I want to be? Who am I? What does that mean?

I've had a desire lately to start reading my blog posts and journal entries from the previous night before I leave the apartment in the morning to work. I think that'd be a pretty good idea. I've never done that before. I sort of wish I was a morning person.

But now it's time for me to end this post. Molly gave me a shout-out on her post tonight. Someone remind me to give her a shout-out from here soon. I've got one stored up for her, and it's actually pretty important. But I don't think it fits with tonight so I'll save it for later. Maybe if I wait long enough I'll tell her in person. But probably not, cause it fits a lot better here than it does in person.

What do I know? Whatever it is that I do know, I've got a responsibility to myself and to others to go use it to make myself and my world better. Bringing it together is important.

This is Christopher Thatcher, signing on out. Happy Friday, friends. Happy life. I hope you're doing excellent. Good luck on your quests. I do want you to succeed. I do care about you. Much love~

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Twelve

1:55 AM.

It feels early, which is the scary part here. My current mood is pretty contented. I read my physics chapter today and did the whole assignment. That was my goal for the day, and I got it done. It feels good to have it done. The assignment used to be due tomorrow night, but it got changed to Monday. In any event, it's taken care of, and that feels really good.

I sluffed recitation today in order to stay home and read the chapter. I think it was a pretty good call. I didn't have a quiz in there today. I got up at about 11:40, ate, then read my chapter. Had I gone to recitation, I'd have had to get up, get ready, walk to the fine arts building (at least a 15 minute walk) and then try to read in the uncomfortable desk. So, I don't really condone sluffing. But it worked out well for me today.

I've been doing better with schoolwork lately. Me and Andrew are in the midst of a food crisis now though. We should have gone shopping for milk a couple of days ago, but never did. We're going home tomorrow, so it seems like a waste to go tomorrow. So, we'll probably get milk on Monday. Or better yet we'll buy some at home and bring it up. That'd be sweet. In any event- it's interesting to see how life consists of more than schoolwork. Just because I'm doing okay in physics now doesn't mean that I don't have to worry about food. It's a good system.

So... not too much deep thought going on right now. So I'll just run with a few ideas, since that's the business I'm in.

I'm going home tomorrow for the first time in a month. I know a month isn't that long, but as far as I know, that's the longest I've been away. I don't really miss home. I really love being there, and I really love my family, but I don't feel a gaping hole in my life when I'm not there. I don't call my mom nearly as often as I should. It's just not something that comes up. I know she'd like to hear from me, so I should work on that. But I am very excited to go home. Not for any particular reason, but I'm just happy to go be there. It's so cool that it's different now though, you know what I mean? Going home was something I used to do every day after school. Now it's a really big treat. It'll be fun to see my family and give my mom a big hug. Dad's cool too.

Ultimate class today was really fun. I felt like I played pretty well. My throws and placement is getting a lot better. I still make some dumb choices sometimes, but I think I'm becoming more capable. I had a thought tonight- I'm pretty sure I can make myself a better ultimate player just by deciding to be. I'm not saying that I can take my skills to the next level, but I can play harder than I do. I don't mark (that means defend the guy with the disc) very aggressively unless it's Levi and I'm mad at him. When I'm mad at Levi I can usually get a hand-block. When I'm marking other people, though, I sort of let it slide. I know I won't go 100 percent on hand blocks just because I want to, but I can pressure them more and make their life harder. That's something I want to start doing. I want to be tenacious. I had some cool plays out there today, but I'd like to be known for tenacity. That's just a good word.

Happy Birthday to Kyle tomorrow (friday). We didn't get anything cool set up for him as roommates, but I hope he has a good day anyhow. He's a good kid. I'm very glad we're buddies and that I'm living with him. We give him grief, but it's cause we love him.

Not a bad day at all. I took a nap (or two) when I didn't really have to. That hurts my progress towards getting to bed at a decent time.

I wonder if things are temporarily easier or if I really am getting better at all this. I still have really tough moments, but this week has been better. I'm appreciative of that.

How'd I do at changing my life? Not too much changed today. But I feel good about the way I lived my life today. I feel good about the progress I made with classwork. Tomorrow looks like it should be pretty good. I don't have too much I absolutely have to do, and I'm really looking forward to going and being with my family. So this is me, signing out for the night. 2:10 AM. Late, but doing alright up here. Much love from Logan. Keep up the good work friends. It's going to be a good life, I'm thinking.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Eleven

2:26 AM. Late, but dang happy about it.

Today went well. On a lot of fronts. There were a few fronts that didn't go well, but today was definitely better than it was worse. That's for a lot of reasons.

I got my calc test back today. I got 93/100. There were only 10 people above 90. The class has 40 people, so that looks pretty good. I lost two points on an easy arithmetic I just screwed up. The other five points came from the limit definition of a derivative, like I knew they would. But still, I was very very happy about it. Cannon (my professor, who is a stud) doesn't test very hard, but it still felt great to know that I understood stuff. That's more what it's about than anything. Yeah, having a good score is awesome, but this is actually proof that this college thing can work. It's hard to get to calculus on time, it's hard to do my homework before midnight, but I am learning. Maybe I can make it happen after all.

I slept through physics, again. Today was especially bad in there. I didn't stay awake for more than 10 minutes before I started dozing off. I was out for a few, and when I came back to I was all hot and uncomfortable. The right side of my chest was feeling tight and a little hurty. Not heart attack style. It kinda felt like my lungs do after I sleep in too long on a saturday and take a very deep breath. It wasn't any cause for alarm, but it made me uncomfortable. I wanted more than anything to just stand up and leave.

I could actually get a lot from the lectures if I'd read the chapters beforehand. That's hard to do. But it'd change things. Right now that's the class that I'm doing the worst in. More news on that later. But if I was going to focus on changing one class, I should probably focus on physics.

Creative Arts test today, I got an 88. That was more good news. That was only slightly above average, but I'm happy with it. Definitely a safe score. I really like creative arts. It's an honors class, so there's only 40 of us in there. Dr. Peterson is incredible. He knows who I am. It's insane. He knows I'm chris and he knows that I play halo and carry about Lawrence (or is it Laurence? I'm a terrible father!) six. After tonight, he knows about the jello story.

We had a "Creative Expo" for that class tonight. Since it's an honors class someone decided that'd be a cool idea. In theory, we all got together at six at the family life building and showed off our talents. In reality I showed up at 6:45 to something a whole lot cooler. We had had to move the room because the one we were planning on being in wouldn't work. That threw a lot of the talents out the window, since half the people wanted to play piano. But I showed up 45 minutes later to lots of pizza left and Dr. Peterson just chilling with all the kids that showed up. Just having a cool discussion, asking questions, just hanging out. It was so dang cool.

After a while we actually started sharing talents, and that was a lot of fun. One guy showed off some sick woodwork he did. Another girl read some poetry of hers. She prefaced it by saying that her writing was very personal, and that it didn't rhyme, because he worries more about conveying one emotion at one specific time. Jaron has spoiled me, that's for sure. He's got skills. Her poetry was a ton rougher than his, didn't have the polish. But there was something incredible about the first poem she read. Her words weren't really beautiful, but what she was saying was amazing. It was titled thunderstorm or something like that. Once again, not showing the poetic maturity I've come to expect from my friends, but still. She progressed from talking about a thunderstorm brewing inside of her to a teardrop that escaped to a ray of hope and light that got refracted off of that teardrop into a rainbow that promised the sun would come out another day. I'm not doing it justice, but the progression was just incredible. It was one of those things that hit me and made me remember that some people really are like me. I really related to it and loved it.

A few more talents were shared. Highlights include some cool artwork one guy did that I didn't get to see and chocolate zucchini muffins. Dr. Peterson asked if I had one, and since I hadn't prepared anything, I said no. When I saw that we still had lots of time and that things would be way chill, I decided to stand up and share my jello story. It was a cool environment to share it in, and I really appreciated how it went. I stood in front of the very casual and friendly group and just told my awesome jello story. They were really good listeners, and I think they liked it. Someone asked if I was going to ever recreate it, and I said, "Probably not. It was only cool because we did it so fast. If I recreated it I'd have all the time in the world, which wouldn't make it as cool." Dr. Peterson, being the stud he is, said, "No, it was cool because you had a reason to do it." I dunno why I thought that was so cool, but I really did. Actually, no, I do know why I think that's so cool. And I agree with him.

I did my physics tonight. It feels so good. I came home from the honors doober and read my chapter and then did the work. I finished the work at about 1:35 ish. I had done perfect until the last problem, which I got 0% on. So I did a few extra credit problems to make up for it and called it good. The material this time was really pretty easy. I love reading the chapter because then I actually understand it. I didn't read the last time, and it kicked my butt.

There's another assignment due Friday night, and I'd love nothing more than to just get it done tomorrow evening. The chapter is shorter than the one I did today, and so is the assignment. The material will be a little bit newer, but I think that I should be able to do it. That'd be great. Get that assignment done before it's actually due. That'd make friday sweet.

So that's the plan. Wake up before noon tomorrow and read the chapter. At least start it. It's late now, but I took a nap today. It was a strategic nap. I've been shying away from those lately, in an attempt to change my life. But it worked out today pretty well I think.

The news: Life feels better when I do my physics homework. Life also feels better when I'm with people, being friendly. Life feels good when I remember good things that have happened before.

That is one thing I've noticed. I think that coming to a completely new environment like this sort of shocked me into a hard reboot. I came back with the same hardware and software, but I felt like I was totally different, that I didn't have anything that I had worked so dang hard at to get before I came up. Telling the Jello story tonight made me remember the past. Made me remember some of the stuff that I'm good at and some of the cool stuff that I've accomplished. I know I can't ride off of high school successes anymore, but it's important that I don't forget them. They're still part of me. It's important. I believe, and I've said it here a lot, that as people we're the sum total of all the choices that we make. I've made a lot of choices. Lots of them before I moved to Logan. I can't forget those. I can't pretend those haven't changed me and taken me places. This isn't high school. But what happened back there still matters. I need to remember that. And I think I can.

So today was good. Still had moments of serious sleepiness. Still had moments of self-doubt and dreary outlook. But things came together. Hard work makes me feel good. Tests came back today that show I'm not a big retard. We're getting there. Still a lot to do.

Changing my life- it's not going to be a flash. I said that before. Back in the Logan blogaday I remember saying that I've been looking for easy answers. That I wanted to fall asleep and have a dream that would make everything make sense. It'd make me want to work harder and it'd tell me what to do about stuff. I knew it wouldn't come.

Changing my life, it sorta feels like that's what I've been looking for again. Something to come and change me in a flash. But that's not going to happen. I want to do my physics tomorrow. Will accomplishing that mean I've changed? It'll mean two good days in a row, but it won't mean that the quest is over. I don't stay at the same value for too long. I'm constantly progressing and regressing. If we can determine anything about the graph of my life, we can certifiably say that it's continuous. No jumps, no breaks, and certainly no asymptotes. But continuous, that means that I can't go too far from where I was yesterday or a minute ago. The important part of the graph, I think, will be the general slope of the line from point a to point b at the end of the game. Derivatives at any given point aren't incredibly significant at the end. I mean, they're important because they get us where we are. But where will I be at the end? Higher? I certainly hope so.

There are only a few things that could make this night any better. My apartment smelling like girls I care about would be one of them. Not sure why I threw that out there, but it's 2:59 AM, give me a break. I'm allowed to wish this place smelled a little better, right?

As a note, my apartment does smell good. I cleaned up in here last week, and me and Andrew have kept it looking nice. It just doesn't smell as nice as it could.

Okay, this is probably where I should stop. I'm glad I got to write tonight. Things have fallen into place tonight- not even close to mostly my fault. But for what it's worth, I feel like today was good. Tomorrow has a very valid shot at being good too.

I hope that you're all doing well. One day down. Not sure how many left, but that's one important day that we made it through. Here's to one more.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Ten

1:38 AM.

Tonight is the first night in a long time that I didn't want to write for a bit. I'm feeling better about it now, but about five minutes ago I just didn't want to. Things have changed a bit since then. That's good news.

Today had ups and today had downs. We'll start with ups, move to downs, and then finish with a look at the future.

Physics recitation was actually really good today. Instead of reading the chapter I tried my best to follow along with the class. I learned some stuff, and a few of the things we'd talked about finally started clicking. We had a quiz, and I feel like I probably did a pretty good job. It was one of the best recitation's I've ever had. I did fall asleep through some of it, but I sort of just do that.

Ultimate was really fun today. I feel like I played a lot better than usual. I was using my brain a lot and making good cuts to good spaces. My throws were on, and I felt like I was a valuable asset to the team. I usually feel like a valuable asset, but I felt better about it today.

Graphics even went well. I stayed up with the teacher and finished what we were supposed to. I got 3/10 on the quiz, but I know that that's probably a lot higher than class average, so that's cool.

I played Ultimate again tonight with some country bumpkins. It's hard to go from real ultimate to country ultimate. I love when someone calls a foul and the smart-guy is always like "Oh, I didn't know there were fouls in Ultimate" like we're a bunch of sissies. Yeah. There are fouls. And yeah, we do take this seriously. It was fun, and I had a good time. It was just an old adventure that felt like a new adventure because I hadn't done it for so long. It's hard for me to defend without a force, it's weird.

I went and played volleyball with the ward tonight. I felt like it'd be fun to try, so I went. I've never really played much volleyball. I don't know the rules and I don't know how to be good at it. But I had a good time playing. I felt like I did a few good plays, so that was fun. I'm thinking I'll take a volleyball class next semester. I've probably said that a million times during blogaday. It's just something I get excited about though. Taking a PE class is one of the very few opportunities I have to diversify and do something fun. I don't "try new things" very often. I've been accused of not being spontaneous. And it's true. Volleyball is pretty dang spontaneous though, so don't give me any of that lip. Unless, of course, it's the good kin- too much living with Andrew makes me say that sort of thing instead of just thinking it and not saying it. I could, of course, go back and delete it. But hey, I'll keep it up there.

I had a lot of physical activity today, and that's pretty cool.

I didn't read my physics chapter tonight though. At about 11 o'clock I had a choice of doing my physics and talking to someone I really wanted to talk to or playing starcraft with Andrew and Brad. I chose starcraft. Hour and thirty minutes later, I felt a bit like a loser. I'm a bit of a sucker when it comes to peer pressure like that. I'm pretty strong when people tell me to do things for myself. "It'll be fun, you'll like it" doesn't mean much of anything to me. I'm okay with not being fun. I'm an old man. It's when people start using themselves that I fall. I know that it'll be more fun for the other guys if I play. I tend to do stupid stuff like that pretty often.

So that's my sad story of the day. I didn't do any homework tonight. Probably a pretty bad choice. The next three nights of my life are going to be pretty heavily based on physics. Tomorrow I need to read a chapter (since I didn't do it today) and do my assignment. Day after that I need to read the next chapter. Day after that is an assignment, but since I'm coming home I might try to get it done beforehand. That's a lot of physics. We'll see how it goes.

I also slept till about 11 today. Yeah, that wasn't a great use of my time.

How did I do at changing my life today? I tried a new thing, and that was fun. But changing my life gets about no points for today. No, wait, I get a few points. I worked a bit on finances. My bank account feels better because of what happened today. That doesn't count for much, but at least it's something.

How did I do at moving forward on my education? I receive very few points for that today as well. I had no pressing homework, but I didn't touch any of it. I left myself with *two* assignments to do tomorrow during my hour-long break. I need to study for a creative arts test and write a paper for scholar's forum. Actually, I can probably write that paper after institute and still get it in on time. But still.

Things that really need to change: I need to stop sleeping in on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That's a big waste of resources. I need to do homework more often. It seems like every time Kyle has ten spare minutes he'll sit down with his math or physics. When I do homework, I dedicate a few hours to making it happen. I work pretty much non-stop, minus a few ADD breaks here and there. My way works, but so does kyle's. A billion minutes spread over a few days is sometimes more pleasant than a billion minutes from midnight to two.

Tomorrow is a hefty day. Lots of time-sensitive heft as well. But I feel like I can do it. First task is to get up. Second task is to get to calculus on time. After that it should flow right out.

I don't know how I feel about this post. It's very journalistic. It feels like a lot of my posts have been like that. I know that that's part of what this is all about. But still, it could be better. I like that this gives me a good opportunity to think about what happened today and what I could have done better. I like that it helps me look forward to tomorrow as well. But I do miss asking questions about my humanity.

One thought I did have today, with a throwback to something I've thought before. What are my priorities up here? Or rather, why am I here? What do I want to get accomplished here? I can really identify three things. Prepare for a mission, Do well with my education, and take good care of myself. Those three things can be broken down further. Do well with my education, what does that even mean? Does that mean learn something so I can get a good job? Learn something so I can change the world? Keep my scholarship?

If I have my priorities, and I've declared them, am I actually working towards that? What am I actually working on? I have declared priorities or goals and actual work towards something. Does the work I do match up with my priorities or goals?

What's important? Am I working on that instead of other things? There's a thoughtful me and there's a me that autopilots. Sometimes I worry that autopilot writes and goes through the day. I know there's a better me inside. I need to work on that more.

I'm off to study, like I do. I hope that you're all doing well friends. Keep up the good work. Much love. I'm going to do better tomorrow.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Nine

11:50 PM - Not too shabby.

Today was a good day for me. I felt like I did a pretty decent job. I didn't move too far forward with anything school related, but I did definitely hit 100% of my to-do list, and that feels great.

My calculus test this morning went pretty well I think. I know that I missed at least one- nobody likes the limit definition of the derivative anyways. But other than that I feel pretty confident about stuff. There wasn't anything on there that I hadn't seen before. There was some stuff that popped up that hadn't been on the practice exam, but I'm pretty sure I got it right. I'm really excited to see how I did.

Calculust: n; The ugly cousin of calculove- a feeling you get that makes you want to do math for you, not for the betterment of the world or for calculus' sake.

I fell asleep in physics again. I haven't stayed awake in that class for weeks. It's not like lectures are boring. My body just crashes and I don't care to listen because I don't understand. If there's one class that's going to kick my butt this semester, it's going to be physics. I need to change something there.

Creative arts was good, but my break between classes was better. I had decided last night that my goal was to stay awake for those three hours I had so I could get to bed early tonight. It was a pretty big stretch, but I actually did it. That first hour when I'm home all alone with nothing to do is pretty rough. But I did a lot of reading online and then I went on a run with brad. The run was really good. First run I've been on in Logan- yikes. I really should do it more often. But weather was absolutely perfect, and it felt really good to be out there. I know I'm not anywhere near top-form, but I didn't hurt like I thought I would. Ultimate has been good for me.

FHE was incredible tonight. The whole ward dressed up like hobos and we had a card-board-box-house making contest in the parking lot as families. We didn't win, but we made a DANG fine house. I'd sleep in it, no question.

How'd I do at changing my life today? Probably a seven out of ten. I met the goals I had set for myself in that I stayed awake during my break and I used that time to move forward with my life. I do lose points for the run though. Running is almost always a good thing to do, and there's no doubt that running was good for me today. But there was other stuff that I could have got done that would have been better for me. Running isn't really what I need right now. It did fulfill the goal, and it did keep me awake, but it wasn't quite physics homework. I played one 30 minute game of starcraft tonight too. That was 30 minutes of fun, but pretty wasted time. I could have done something good.

Seven out of ten is excellent. I get a bonus pat on the back for it being 11:58 PM right now. That's not 3 AM- that's excellent.

Looking to the future, what's next? Tomorrow is Tuesday. I must read a physics chapter and get ready for my institute class on wednesday. Those are the two most pressing things tomorrow. I don't have a math assignment to do tomorrow because of the test today. That's great news, and that opens up some time for physics. Because I don't have a class till noon, I could get up and use the time to make my life better. Mornings have historically been a weak-point for me. But hey, isn't that what changing my life is all about?

I've been throwing that term out a lot lately. "Change my life". I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I'm serious about it. Sometimes. I know that I need to, sometimes I just don't work on it. Moving towards optimum is important.

Oh snap! Maybe I'll go play volleyball tomorrow night with the ward. I'm bad at volleyball, but I've been wanting to get better at it. I think that I'll take a volleyball PE class next semester if I can get in.

That's one thing I've been thinking about and being excited for. Just taking classes for the heck of taking them. I will take a horticulture class. I want to experiment with my PE classes too. My doctor told me to take a PE class, and so I'm going to do it. One a semester. It'll be fun and good for me.

So today was good, but I fear it was a little sheltered. There were no incredible storms that raged today. I made it through today just like I wanted to, but I worry that I haven't done enough to prepare for tomorrow. There's work to be done yet.

Today was a step. It's early, and I didn't take a nap. I've got enough left in me to study the way I want. I'm going to sleep well. So for now I'm going to bail. I hope that you're all doing well. Happy Monday evening. Sorry there wasn't much philosophy in this one tonight. I had a few cool thoughts last night that I'll probably write about soon. Not deep philosophical question thoughts, but those cool thoughts that are actually ideas of things I could do. Things like the powergym from back in the day. Stuff that's fun to write about a dream about. Maybe I'll write about them tomorrow night.

Much love, I hope you're doing well. I'm still working at this. I sometimes feel like this is my part-time job and that I should really make it my full-time job. I'm doing better at all of this, really. But sometimes I wish that I didn't forget for a few hours that I'm working to change my life. Sometimes I wish I worked hard straight through the whole day. I know I can't do that, but I wish I wanted to at least. I can't passively wait for my life to change. I gotta get out there and be the person I want to be. I'm going to work hard tomorrow and be a good student. I can do this. It takes work. More than part time work. Dedication and all of that.

This is Christopher Thatcher, signing out. I feel like there's something out there for me tonight. Something I haven't found yet, but something I'm hoping for. Goodnight friends. I'm off to chase life.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Seven Addendum

I just had this thought. One day this week, after I've written a good post, I'm going to change my facebook status to "Christopher is shamelessly promoting his blog. Http://theotherdentist.com" and see how many hits I get that day. I'm betting I get 40 hits that day. I average about 15.

Hmm, very interesting. That'll be weird to see. That's so risky. I mean, what if people like what they see and stay? That'd be great, but then I have new readers. And my audience changes a little bit. If my audience changes, does my writing change? In an ideal world, no. Maybe I'm a little too scared of the fallout to actually do it. But I think it'd be a fun experiment.

I dunno. Just had the thought, so I figured I'd write about it before bed. Okay, goodnight for reals friends. Much love.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Eight

2:42 AM - Sorta another one of those "I didn't try too hard to get to bed on time" kind of days.

But it was a good day. Sunday's are usually really good. Church was excellent. I went to a great fireside tonight with the stake presidency, it was cool. We heard from all of them and their wives. Their perspective was just so cool. It was very refreshing. Their lives are the way they are because they've been righteous guys that made good choices instead of doing stupid things. I loved that it had nothing to do with how they did in school. Doing well in school is great, but it's not the absolute most important thing. It was a happy message for me.

I have a calculus test tomorrow. I did my assignment tonight and spent some time studying. I made up my cool 3x5 index card. I'm really excited for this test. I'm excited to see what will actually be on it. And I'm really excited to see how I do. I feel pretty prepared. It's a cool chapter, and I feel like I understand the things that we've talked about. It's a big chunk of my grade, and I'm really happy to go find out what will happen. I want my score already, and I haven't even taken it.

I don't know why I get so excited for calculus tests. I remember the AP tests. They were glorious. I remember getting so psyched out for AP calc. I would always be singing those lines from "this is the moment"

this is the moment
my final test (my test)
destiny beckons,
I never reckoned second best

I'm excited to go take the test. I might get my butt kicked. Or I might ace it. I'm just really excited to find out, either way.

College has more homework than high school had. It requires more study time too. I'm pretty sure I still haven't accepted that fact. I probably should soon.

Okay, these past couple of days have been pretty good. I spent a little bit of time today discouraged and worried again, but the fireside really helped. I need to get back into fighting mode. I did a good job yesterday moving forward. I feel pretty good about how I did tonight with my homework and my church responsibilities. But it's late. I need to fight for progress tomorrow. I need to fight for sleep too. If I can have a moderately progressive day and get to bed early, dang, that'll be a big success.

So that's the goal. One hundred percent on homework (shouldn't be hard) and then bed by midnight. The real test will be the two hours I have between creative arts and my lab tomorrow. It's in the middle of the afternoon and it's so hard to stay awake. If I can spend that time being productive- in any fashion, it doesn't really matter how- I can count tomorrow a success because I'll just pass out by midnight.

Okay, not too much substance tonight. Sorry about that. I hope tomorrow is better. It was a good day though, and it felt good to understand my calc tonight. Today was good because I got to spend a lot of time with good people. Molly will probably write about being a tag-along, but it was good to have her with us tonight. I talked on the phone to a girl for a bit (ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh) and texted and messaged a little bit. Oh yeah, I'm a social butterfly alright. But the moral of the story is that it's nice to be together. Some of us are together geographically, and that's pretty cool. But even when we're not together geographically, it's nice to be there for each other and help take care of each other. It's important.

Banding together is a super cool thing. We had a good lesson on it today. I had a great lesson on it last night pushing the van. I like it. I should really do more of it.

It's time for bed friends. I hope that you're doing well. Good luck tomorrow! I'm excited to see how we all do. Here I go- trying to get better. Much love friends, goodnight~

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Seven

3:48 AM. Hey, it's the weekend, cut me some slack ;)

So yeah, it's incredibly late, but I wasn't really shooting for midnight tonight anyways. I just spent a real long time talking with Andrew, which was pretty cool. We talked too long though, and it got late.

Today was a real good day though. I woke up today with an attitude. I wanted to make today worth something, and I worked to make it happen. My goal was to face every minute of the day with the idea of, "Okay, I've got a minute, how am I going to progress? How am I going to use this minute to move forward?"

And so I worked hard and got some stuff done. I got the room cleaned, and it looks awesome. It's so nice in here now. I know it won't stay forever, but it's such an improvement. I love it. I got a rebate mailed off. I paid my rent, I folded some laundry, I got some groceries, I did some home teaching, I studied for my calc test, I ironed two shirts. I got a lot of stuff done today- more than usual.

I also watched a lot of college football and wasted a considerable amount of time. It wasn't one hundred percent, but it was a lot closer than usual.

I think that drive and attitude I tried to foster today really helped. "I've got a minute, how am I going to use it to progress?" That was important to me today. I didn't want to face another post knowing that I didn't change my life today. I didn't want to fail one more time. So I fought for it. It wasn't a huge day, but it was better.

So I'm pretty happy about that.

We had an adventure tonight. I'll write about it, because that's what I want to do. We had the push the van up a pretty steep and decently long hill tonight. It was a block of uphill, essentially. We knew we'd need guys to make it happen, so we called the apartment down. Me, Kyle, Levi, James, Andrew, and Steve-o were all there to push it up the hill. Melissa and Katie piloted our support vehicle, while Molly steered the leg-powered van.

It was about 11:15 PM when we did this. It was just one block we needed to travel. From the bottom of the hill to the B-lot. It was a really good experience.

Pushing was so much harder than I thought it would be. Pushing the van on level ground isn't hard at all. Momentum works for you- life is good. Uphill is crazy. Gravity doesn't like you. I really thought that with six guys pushing it would be pretty easy. It was longer and more difficult than I had ever thought.

We made it, but pushing up that hill was rough. I was grunting and shouting like I never ever do. It was really all I could do. Me and Andrew were up on the wings, pushing from the driver's side door or passenger's side door. The rest of the team was in the back. I couldn't see back there, but I knew they were pushing. One guy ran and joined us from the side of the road. I didn't even see him, and didn't notice any particular help, but I'm so incredibly grateful for that guy. What a stud, to just hop on and push a vehicle he's never seen before with six guys he's never met. It's 11:15 at night. He just ran and hopped on- so cool.

But getting up that hill hurt. My legs just didn't wanna do it anymore. We finally made it, and it felt so good. I love the fact that we can call our guys and that they'll come running. I love that we had a support team and people willing to help us get it done. It reminds me of the power of a team or a quorum; it's just incredible. I was so proud of the guys. I was incredibly grateful that they'd come to back me up in something like that. It was the van, and I'd gambled on getting home. I was wrong about what it could handle, but they didn't gripe at all about it. They just showed up to help me out. No complaints, no accusations. No murmuring about the van sticking them in another bad situation. They just showed up to help me out. It was incredible.

When we finished pushing the van I felt something that I haven't felt for a very long time. The feeling of being utterly beat physically. There are a lot of kinds of being utterly beat physically. The idea of running 14 miles that one Monday for cross country comes to mind. But that's a different kind of beat. That's an endurance beat. It's a tired of running beat. It's a "someone get me protein, glucose, and carbohydrates right now because my body is in peril" kind of thing. There's also an "I've stayed up too late" beat. Where your body or mind is tired. It's there, but it's different.

Pushing the van up a hill is a cool kind of beat. It's one where your muscles and lungs and heart are all very tired from very intense exertion. There's an awesome thing about pushing a van up a hill- you can push your very hardest. Nowhere else can you really do that. You put all your force into pushing that van up the hill, and you're still coming up short. With cross country you can only run so fast. You can only run so far. Your body sorta stops letting you run faster, your legs just won't do it. There's a boundary placed on you. It's not so much that your muscles or your mind or your desire can't run faster, it's just that there's something in the way. Pushing the van up the hill isn't like that. You put everything into pushing. You don't hold anything back. It will push back just as hard as you push forward.

Getting to the top of the hill was a beating that I cherished. I was physically and mentally exhausted from intense exertion. Not a forever long exertion, just a dang intense one for a good couple of minutes.

Everything changes when you're physically beat. You think differently. Your emotions react differently. You take different chances and you say different things. Priorities are altered. It's actually a really refreshing experience. I'm much more affectionate when I'm physically beat. I'm sort of in love with everybody when I'm that beat, it's kinda nice.

So that's the cool story of the day. A very big thanks goes to everybody that helped our tonight. Much love to my horses who pushed. Much love to our friend who joined us; he's a stud. Much love to our lovely support crew in the back- thanks for keeping people from running over us. And much love to Molly for pretending to be power steering while I pushed. Yes- it does make me feel a little less manly now that I know a girl can steer my van just as well as I can. But still, I appreciate it a lot friends.

It's a nice reminder about everything, when we come together like that.

Yeah, I feel good about that. It's 4:08 AM, and this cat is off to a bit of reading and writing and them bed time. Much love- I hope you're all doing well. I'm serious about all this, you know. No shows and gimmicks. This is the real deal. I'm still me. Still insecure and confused and scared like crazy sometimes. I don't have everything figured out. And I don't pretend to. But I do appreciate what happened tonight deep in my heart. That's where I stand- and I'm sticking with it.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Six

3:11 AM. Not even good.

Weekends, did they count on the midnight plan? I'm not sure if I have to shoot for midnight on the weekends, but I should at least try for something reasonable.

So today was actually pretty fun. My classes were pretty good, considering I only had calc and physics. Calc was great because I got there on time and was able to ask a few good questions and learn some stuff. I have a test on Monday, and I think I can be prepared for it. That makes me happy.

Physics was, well, physics. Honestly, I've got no passion for that class at all. I go to lectures because I'd feel like a slacker if I didn't, but I don't make any attempt to get anything out of it. I wonder if I *could* get something out of it if I tried. I go to recitation because I'd feel like a slacker if I didn't. The grad student in there isn't much of a teacher. I usually go and read the chapter. Or doze off accidentally. I do the homework because I want to get a good grade. Sometimes it's fun. Other time its just a chore.

So tonight I had an assignment due by One AM. For every hour you finish a part late you lose 2 percent on that part. So it's a pretty soft deadline. I've got 70% of it finished. I was about to pretend to work on it some more, but I did the math and figured that I could get 95 percent if I did it all now, or I could do it sometime tomorrow and get 83 percent.

I know it's a loss of 12 percent. And I know it's not ideal. But there's no way I'd learn anything from doing it now cause of my attitude. So I'll give it a shot tomorrow. I have one I need to do Sunday night too. Oh physics, when will the fun ever end?

Things I like: Classic newtonian mechanics. Things I don't like: electric fields.

But it's cool. Other than physics my classes are all going really well. Graphics is still a bit annoying, but it's getting better.

My thoughts tonight are about changing my life, as I think they rightly should be. My progress towards changing my life was pretty negligible so far today. I did spend some time socializing, which was good. And I did move forward on calculus. And I stayed alive, that's good too. But other than that, I don't see much progress. My sleep habits will take a hit from today. I slept in the afternoon and early evening and stayed up till what will probably be four. My college GPA is at more risk than ever because of my actions regarding physics tonight. Not so much about the assignment as about the fact that I won't know this on the test. I did do a few nice things for people today, and I wasn't a jerk. But those were sorta little, passive things. Nothing huge. Still important, but not giant.

I looked at today as a very relaxed and easy day. The idea of the weekend lulled me into a false sense of security. I didn't *work* very hard today.

Changing my life will require sacrifice. What did I sacrifice today? Almost nothing, really. I sacrificed sleep to wake up and make it to calc. I sacrificed some time for physics, but it was far too little in the end.

Point being: I shouldn't have watched transformers with everybody tonight. While that was fun, I could have done my work in those two hours. I should have watched the presidential debate instead of sleeping through it. I should have taken better care of my bloodsugar. I probably should have shaved- I look like an awesome eighth grader without a razor with this puppy on my upper lip.

So, I don't feel terrible about this stuff. This post doesn't have a super happy inflection to it, but I'm really feeling decent. It was a fun day, that's for sure.

It just wasn't progress. It may have been retrogression, really. Nothing too severe, just not great.

So what's tomorrow? It's a brand new day that *could* mean progression for me. Or I could toss it.

I do love that the variable here is me. I'm the boss here. When we're integrating my life, we're doing it with respect to my choices and actions.

Friday is just about done. I hope that you're all doing well. I'm still committed to this, you know. Changing my life. It's important to me. It's not easy, but I guess I knew it wouldn't be. This cat is out, sleep well everybody~

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Five

2:01 AM- Didn't even try.

Okay, so I tried a little bit early on in the day. But I wasn't the powerhouse of awesomeness that I wanted to be today.

I realize now that my expectations for today, the ones I talked about last night, were pretty unrealistic. I realized that then, too, but looking back it's a lot easier to say.

So, it's 2:02. My calculus assignment isn't done, and I don't really plan to get up and finish it. I worked on it for some time, on and off, and I really feel like I've got the ideas down solid. There's a lot of messy algebra that I do poorly at, and it was taking a lot of time.

I abandoned attempts to finish that assignment in order for me to do the practice exam that professor cannon gave us. It was six questions, and I feel really good about how it went. There were a few small things that I need to brush up on, but nothing major. I was able to do almost all of what was asked. I really love the idea of practice exams. I feel good about my prospects in there.

So, I'm taking a hit on the assignment, but it's for the best I think. Plus I get to drop the lowest for assignments in there anyways. I'll get a 3/10 or a 4/10 on this one, so it's not a complete loss. I'm alright with the situation. I do recognize that I could have played it better. But that's the way things are right now.

I woke up at about 11. So, didn't make my goal there either. Not beating myself up about it though. I really don't feel that bad about it right now. I actually feel pretty comfortable with stuff.

I only have two classes tomorrow- calc at 9:30 then physics at 11:30. I'll be back at the apartment eating lunch at about 12:40 it looks like. Not bad at all. I've got a pretty hairy physics assignment, but it shouldn't be too formidable. Tomorrow looks pretty doable.

Me and Andrew had a good talk last night. Both of us had trouble getting to bed because it was earlier than usual for both of us. So technically I was in bed pretty early, but I spent a long time talking to Andrew, which was nice. We talked about the whole marriage deal more than anything else. It was a pretty cool conversation. I like talking with my brothers about all of that stuff, because we're pretty similar on a lot of stuff. We have reasons for the things that we think, and so we agree and understand each other well. It's fun when the other guy doesn't think that your fears and insecurities are stupid.

So there was a lot of thought put into that sort of stuff last night and today. Not a big deal by any means- nobody get excited.

Ultimate was really good today.

Not so much to talk about tonight. So I'm going to run like the wind.

As far as changing my life goes: Today was still an improvement over the past month. I started working on my calc pretty early. My execution wasn't great, but I made an effort and learned the material pretty well. I made a good strategic choice to pursue the practice test instead of the assignment, since it's worth so much more right now.

Tomorrow looks good. It's time to study then head to bed. I hope that you're all doing well. Keep up the excellent work. Much love friends~

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Four

11:40 PM. You better believe it.

Today had successes and failures. I woke up early enough to print what I needed, and I made it to calc on time. I didn't have much left in me though, so I dozed off on accident through most of class time.

This is an interesting trade-off that seems to be a big part of my life right now. Not this trade-off in particular, but all sorts of similar trade-offs like it. Do one thing well and another seems to suffer. Take a nap now, stay up later. Stay up late, finish calculus. Stay up late, fall asleep in calc so I have to stay up later next time. It's an interesting little game we play.

I sluffed physics today to take care of my assignment for scholar's forum. I really should stop doing that. I've only done it twice, but still. I spent all of my physics time researching majors and stuff that I want to do, so I think it was really really valuable time for me.

I met with an academic advisor today, and that was really worthwhile. I went and talked to an undeclared advisor because I decided to exeunt that whole mechanical engineering scene. I went in a declared MAE major, and I walked out undeclared. Oh baby. So right now I'm one of those statistics I've heard so much about.

That's interesting too. Why do so many people do this? And why do we as a culture (okay, why do I, in my culture) seem to look at this as a bad thing? If it were such a bad thing, why do so many people do it? I think it was a great step for me to take.

The current plan is still secondary education. Right now I'm looking at math, chemistry, or physics. That means I'd major in one of those and do the teaching emphasis. It'd end up as a composite major (used to be a dual major) between the chemistry (or math or physics) major and the education major. It actually looks way way cool. I'm pretty excited to start pursuing it.

Since I'm officially undeclared for now, the plan is to finish off my general university studies next semester. That's only 12 credit hours, so I'll probably launch into my math/chem/physics degree, depending on what I decide to do. I took a closer look at the "Mathematics and statistics education composite" degree, and that's pretty sweet. I've never taken a statistics class in my life, but I really like the look of it.

I'm just actually excited about this stuff. I read course titles and I'm like "Dang, that's freaking sweet!" I don't get as excited about the math courses as I do about the teaching stuff, but it's still cool. I get more excited about stats titles than I do about math titles too.

So that was really good for me. I know that I've given honors a bunch of crap for being what it is, but I'm super happy that they made me do this assignment. It was something I really needed. I will give them glowing reviews for that, definitely. If nothing else, it was worth doing honors because they tricked me into doing this assignment. I'm still not planning on jumping into their secret club, but I will ease up and stop being so hard on them.

Today has been a pretty good day for me. Successes and failures, yeah, but important successes. I did all the laundry today- still need to fold it, but yeah. I also went grocery shopping. Both of these are significant because Andrew was doing homework while I did them, so it was mostly independent. Big thanks to Katie for driving to the grocery adventure. And big thanks to Molly for telling such great stories.

So, I'm going to miss the midnight mark. But I'm going to be SO much closer than ever before. I will not exceed one oclock, unless I'm in bed studying. Computer goes off in not too long. Unless something unusual happens. Yep, I'm setting conditions on my goals.

Okay, I'm back, about 20 minutes later, I had some stuff to take care of.

So, successes of the day: Woke up early enough to take care of stuff. Made it to calc on time. Finished my scholar's forum assignment on time. Went grocery shopping, scored some pretty good deals. Did the laundry. Going to bed at a decent time.

Failures of the day: Sleeping through calc. Sluffing physics. Not reading my physics chapter. Being a butthead to my roommates for part of the day. Not contacting my home teaching apartment like me and levi planned to (yay for a good companion ;) )

Tomorrow is a risky day. No class till noon. I'm done with classes by five. I have one calc assignment to do, but more importantly I have a calc practice exam to get finished. I should read my physics chapter and take care of home teaching. So there's a lot to get done tomorrow. But there's also adequate time to do it, if I take care of things the way I should. It's one of those days that still makes me a little bit fearful. One of those days that the old me (from like, four days ago) would almost certainly be sure he'd screw up. Still a little scared, because it's a lot of potential. Could be great, could be terrible.

I ran into something cool the other day. Just a random blog that google reader suggested. I didn't read much of it, but the title made me smile- "Wherever you go, go with all your heart." So that's the plan. One day at a time. Break that one day into segments. One task at a time. Gotta wake up, and I gotta wake up well. I've got to get to physics recitation, and I've got to get there well. I've got Ultimate class, and I've got to work as hard as I can there. I've got graphics, and I've got to bust it in there too. I've got a calc assignment and a test, a physics chapter and some other good stuff. I've got to eat to stay alive and I've got to take care of those kidneys of mine. I should probably shave too.

Lots of tasks. One at a time. And do it well.

As a final note, I'd like to point out something Molly wrote earlier. She talked about love. I won't summarize or restate it here, but I just wanted to say that what she said is true. So there I go, tossing my credibility behind what Molly wrote. You should read it, it's good.

It's 12:31 AM. Thirty-One after the plan, but still makes me smile. Today was pretty good for me. Tomorrow is a bold chance. The best part about this one-day-at-a-time model is that I can put bad days behind me while still standing on the good days. Tomorrow will be better because of what happened today. Tomorrow does inherit a few problems I created today, but it's still got a decent chance. I'm excited for that opportunity. For now, it's time for me to go. Thanks for reading friends, I hope you're doing excellent. Much love~

Change My Life Blogaday - Day Three

2:51 AM - Yeah, that's no good.

But I'll explain, oh, I'll explain for sure. I woke up a little after 11 today, and that's no excuse. Calculus took me a lot longer than I expected tonight, and I got pretty hyper and joked around with my roommates from 12 to 1.

So, yeah. I failed hardcore at going to bed by twelve tonight. I don't have all of my homework done for tomorrow, but I think I can make it work. I'm sluffing physics tomorrow to take care of an essay I need to write. I know, I know, sluffing is bad, but I don't get much out of those lectures anyways.

So, yeah, bad news on the bed time tonight. But I don't feel too bad about it. I still have a goal, but I realize that I can't really jump on that goal immediately and expect awesome success right away. I want to get there, I really do. But I know that I'll have to work towards it. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have classes till noon. That means I can theoretically sleep till 11:30. Since it doesn't matter if I'm 20 minutes late to that class anyways... Moral of the story: if I'm going to make it to bed by midnight, I need to get up long before 11 to have any chance at it. I need to take this fight to both sides of the party.

Some good stuff has happened today, and I'm happy about that.

I'm meeting with an advisor tomorrow, and I'm incredibly excited about that. Technically I have an academic advisor in the engineering department because I'm declared as a mechanical engineering major, but since I'm changing that, I'm meeting with an undeclared advisor tomorrow. I'm totally going to undeclare, and I'm really excited about it. I'm going to be such a statistic.

But I was looking a bit closer at the education thing tonight, and I'm really liking the way it looks. It seems to- I don't know, so smooth. Their website kicks the crap out of the engineering one. The words on the site though, what they say, it's just on such a higher level for me.

Maybe it's just contrast, but it looks pretty smooth, alright?

So I think that's mostly what me and my advisor will talk about tomorrow. My tentative plan for now is to undeclare and take care of the general university studies, go on a mission, come back and apply for the secondary education degree, doing the composite with whatever it is I decide to teach. Right now it's looking like math or science. That's a giant surprise. I might have to get a degree in math education or chem education or physics education with an education minor, I'm not quite sure how it'll all work out.

Either way, it's something that I'm really digging right now. And it looks like I can make it work. It looks like the next few years of my life could actually be pretty dang cool. The department looks solid.

So there's a lot more research to be done, but I'm loving the preliminary looks. It's 3 AM though, and I'm hoping to wake up a little early tomorrow so I can get some stuff printed off and do a bit more reading before I meet with my advisor.

So, goodnight friends. I'm really glad you're out there. Things in the Logan are looking up, and that's awesome. I hope that you're all doing well. We're going to have a party one of these days. Keep rockin' on friends- goodnight!

Change My life Blogaday - Day Two

I woke up this morning at about 7:30 to finish my calc assignment. There were a few problems that I coulnd't get done because I didn't have enough time. I took a pretty good look at all of them except for one. On that problem I simply wrote, "I refuse on matter of principle." I hope the grader appreciates my strong moral backbone.

But it really was spectacular to wake up that early this morning. It was a rainy day, and I loved it so. This was the first real rainy day of all my time up here in Logan. There was one storm earlier, but I was asleep for it. This rain lasted all morning, and everything was wet and gray for hours. It was beautiful. It filled me with energy and optimism. I made it to calculus a few minutes early it was so good.

There are a couple of reasons that I love rainy days so much. I thought about that as the day went on. When I woke up, I loved the rainy day because I hadn't ever had one of those during this era of my life. The last rainy day I experienced was during high school, when I was living the dream. I appreciated the fact that rainy days hadn't been touched by my recent suckiness. It was a remnant from my former life that passed over to my new life. I appreciated that part.

I thought about it today as I walked, and I realized that before all of this artificial watering began- the irrigation, the sprinklers, all of that- this whole place would have been meadowland or something close to that. Before people were running around cache valley and tricking it into growing with their irrigation canals, something else lived here. The rain that comes was the lifeblood of that natural scene. I know it's a little bit hippy... but I realized that if ever there was a time when the true natural essence of my surroundings comes out, it'd be during a rainstorm. Rainstorms meant life, and even though people can trick life into growing without rain anymore, it feels like that old life that used to exist because of the rain comes out during a storm. It's like the whole place has twice as much natural energy and life in it during a storm.

I wish I could have said that the way I wanted to. It's a little too touchy feely for my style, but I really appreciated it today as I walked.

I love rainy days because I get to wear my nice long-sleeve striped shirt and my sweet nautica sweatshirt. The long sleeved shirt is my favorite shirt. I've had that nautica sweatshirt for years now. It's been on countless scout camps and PLCs. It was the first sweatshirt I ever tucked into my pants in junior choir. It fits like a charm. Over the years it has aged and changed right along with me. It's an excellent sweatshirt, and I love being able to wear it.

I love rainy days because they are so rare. How many rainy days have I really lived through? Days where the sky is gray like it was today and it kept coming down, definitely less than 500 days of my life. Compared to how many sunny days I've had, I'm putting that one in the thousands, that means that I've had less time with rainy days. It also means that I can sort of remember rainy days better. The set of rainy days is much smaller, so they sort of feel more intimate and special. They go together.

Current time is 1:24 AM. I finished my calculus assignment finally- got about 94 percent on it. Not the hundred I'd like, but close enough.

I watched the two-hour premier of heroes tonight. I shouldn't have. I wasn't planning to, but I got caught up in the excitement. I'll be honest, I was really disappointed. I won't list any details here for those who haven't seen it yet, but I didn't like it much. If you want to talk to me about specifics contact me. I don't know if I'll be watching the rest of the season. It might turn around. But had I not done that I could be writing this post at 11:25 instead of 1:25 and I could be dominating my goal.

So, yeah, I'm late. But I'm still doing so much better than I was a week ago. I'm still committed to changing my life. I like the title of my new blogaday, it makes me happy.

I made some mistakes on time management today, but I accomplished the things that were critical. I've got lots to do tomorrow, as usual, but I'm excited to do it. I've got a pretty cool calculus assignment that I'm excited to do. It'll be rough, since it's new stuff (every assignment is new stuff) but it's mins and maxes of multivariable stuff, so it shouldn't be too much of a leap from what I already know. We went over it all in class a few days ago, so it shouldn't beat me up too bad.

I'm out of here. Hopefully I can get up before class tomorrow and get some stuff done. I'm going to a show tomorrow night at the theater again. That should be fun. Things are getting better up here. Or at least, I'm getting better. Relationships are improving. I'm becoming happier with myself and getting out there to serve a little bit more.

No magic switch. But we're getting there. In physics there is no free lunch. And life, yeah, not too much free lunch there either. But one can buy a pretty great lunch if one'll put forth the effort. It's 1:30 AM, and I'm getting into bed to do a bit of study. Much love friends, keep up the excellent work. I hope things are going great for you. I'm excited to hang out with everybody next time I'm in town- maybe I'll even have a shindig. Or, maybe I'll just visit the people I really wanna see. Or maybe we'll do frisbee friday AND visits later. Oooooh. I dunno. But something good next time I'm down- don't know when it'll be. Much love friends, I'll catch you all later~

Oh, and a final note: thanks to everybody who is supporting my quest to change my life. I really do appreciate all the kind encouragements. All y'alls rock.

Change My Life Blogaday - Day One

Hey, today was a really good day. I slept in a little bit, but still got up long enough before church to look over my lesson a little bit more and get there on time. It felt good to teach, I really enjoyed it. The lesson went pretty well I felt. It wasn't earth shattering, but I'm really glad that I was able to teach it. It was good for me.

The rest of church was good. Our apartment had to spotlight another apartment at ward prayer tonight, so this weekend we made a comical video. Andrew's got skills. It went over really well, and we had everybody laughing, it was good.

It's now 12:36 AM. My calculus is totally not done, and my one page paper I have to write for creative arts isn't even started. But I feel like I can get my calc done tomorrow morning. And I've got an hour between calc and physics when I can write that paper. Cause c'mon, it's one page.

So I'm going to call it a night. I'm not ready for tomorrow entirely, but I hope that by sleeping I can make it work. Today went well.

I've been thinking more about being a teacher. I still really like the idea. Everybody else seems to think it's realistic too, so that's good news. I think I'm going to call mom and dad tomorrow and see what they think about it. It's just nice to explore options.

So, yeah, I know I'm 38 minutes late, and that's not good. But I'm calling it. I know my calc's not done, and that's going to be brutal, but I'm going to try. I've got to make something happen, so I guess this is it. It could backfire big time, but I'm going for it. Goodnight friends, happy Sunday. I hope you're all doing well. Much love, have a good one.

Logan Blogaday - Day Thirty-Three

Keep your hand upon-a-the plow- AND hoooooooooooold Ooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

Day Thirty Three. 3:57 AM. I have officially made my sleeping situation worse. Poor choice on my part there. I want to work on that.

I spent the first twelve hours of today loafing around, more or less. I got a bit productive tonight though. I was asked to teach in priesthood tomorrow, so I worked on the lesson a little bit more. I did some thinking and other good things, so now I'm here to think some more.

It's no mystery that I don't like my life right now as much as I used to. I don't feel like that is a "depressing" or a "sad" thing to say. I don't feel depressed or anything like that, so I don't want to send that message. I'm trying to figure my life out.

I just had a good talk with Andrew. I look at where I am in my life right now, and I feel like I'm not as good as I used to be. I look at the person I was 120 days ago- I was 17. I felt so good about stuff. I was excelling in school, I was serving, I had friends and family and I was trying to be the best person I could be. Compare that with how I am now. Friends and family are still there, and I still care about them, and they still care about me. I'm passing at this school thing. Service is minimum, but not entirely gone.

I just don't feel like I'm as good as I used to be. That's a frightening prospect. What changed between then and now? What has taken me from who I was to who I am?

I have not done anything terrible. That's really good news, as it always is. There are a lot of things that I should have done that didn't. I don't think there's too much that I shouldn't have done that I did do, if that makes sense. I'm worried about omission here.

Why are things the way they are now? The move from being the top of the world at Taylorsville to being absolutely nothing in Logan has something to do with it. Leaving the incredibly encouraging and supportive environment at home for apartment 36 (Which, mind you, is still fairly supportive and encouraging...) also has stuff to do with it. A new ward, a new school, new people. The scene change has something to do with it.

The choices that I've made has something to do with it too. I haven't chosen to do some things that could move me forward in life. I don't think it's a "I'm not going to do this!" choice, but it's just a "..." choice.

Perspective also has something to do with it. I don't think I'm a terrible person. Sometimes I'm just made to think that though.

I think that the natural progress of trials also has something to do with it. This situation that I'm in isn't entirely mundane. There's more at work here.

That's a lot of factors.

So I look at this trying to find so many answers. I don't know what to do or how to approach it. It scares me to death too. I can get through this though, and I will.

It's hard to shake the contrast though. I remember graduation- I was so confident. I knew exactly what I was saying, and I totally believed it all. I still believe it. But there's a difference now. 120 days ago I could stand in front of a crowd of more than a thousand people and have something to say, something I knew to tell them. Now, I don't feel like I know anything I could tell people. I know that I know things. And those are very important things. But I don't feel like I'm the guy to share it right now. My confidence is a little bit shot.

I am where I am, in part, because of what I have done. Gradually I have risen through my life and fallen through my life. Integrate it all and you have what I am. The path upwards to who I want to be has to be a gradual one. No easy answers- alas.

And so I guess that that's where this journey takes me. I am where I am, and now it's time to change my life and go where I want to go. I've talked and I've thought. I've even pursued action. It's time to change my life.

One day at a time, I'm fixing the problems I have. It's time to go to war. Time to start fighting battles.

First on the chopping block- Bed time. My goal for next week is to be in bed by midnight. Reading scriptures in bed can count, as long as I'm in by midnight. That's huge. Pulling that off means so many things.

But I have to start somewhere... And that's something measurable. I know that it won't change everything. But it's a start. Fighting any battle will feel so refreshing.

I understand that my body is not going to like this. My habits aren't going to either. Procrastination will have to stop a little bit. This will be hard.

And I'm serious about it. As much as I know I won't be serious about it tomorrow. Can I remember what tonight is? Can I believe in who I am tonight enough to remember tomorrow who I was and to respect my old wishes? Can I believe in myself that much?

This can't be some passing fancy. There must be commitment in order for there to be any success. No one can change my life for me. Going back to Taylorsville won't fix my problems. I am where I am. And I'm not happy enough with that. So I have that choice- that same choice I've always had.

Run or die. Do I run, bust it, to move further up? Or do I die and take 11th place instead of tenth? Run or die, who am I going to be?

It's time to run. I've done enough dying lately. Wish me luck, friends. Any support you can give me would be great. I'll keep you updated on my crusade. This battle is one that's against myself. I suppose that most of them have been, haven't they? Perhaps it's a bit dramatic, but it's the way things are.

Thanks for reading friends. Good luck with everything. I'm out. It's five hours past my bedtime. Thanks friends. I'll be praying for you.

Logan Blogaday - Day Thirty-Two

Hey friends, happy Friday. This is the first post in many weeks that has been written while Andrew is still awake. It's 1:34 AM. I find it a bit funny that I go to bed earlier on the weekends than I do on the weekdays. Less homework and all.

It's Friday, so that's pretty cool. I only had three classes today, and they all went pretty well. Kyle, Levi, and James all peaced out for the weekend, so it's just me, Andrew, and Brad officially, but Chelsea is hanging around with Brad and Big Selck is squatting here for the night because he's got a marathon in the morning. It's good to have him around though, he's a good kid.

Me and Andrew had one of our first official adventures today. We decided to go to beto's for dinner tonight. Of course, beto's in now rancherito's. I don't like the name change, but hey, whatever. As we drove down there the van started acting funny. I got a few warning beeps from the dash and then all the sudden my speedometer, odomoter, fuel gauge and every other kind of gauge just dropped down to zero. This had happened once before last year as I drove to Taylorsville, so I knew my battery had just died on me. I knew that meant that my serpentine belt had been off for a few days, so we quickly turned into a parking lot and got a decent spot before really bad things started happening.

We were about 300 meters from beto's, so that was awesome news. We checked under the hood, and our serpentine belt was indeed off. Unfortunately for us, it was totally gone. When the belt has falled off in the past it usually just slips off and stays in the vicinity. This time it was gone, which means it's chilling somewhere in Logan right now. Nobody knows where. My money is on somewhere between here and lee's.

We went and ate our food while the van cooled down. We were really hungry, and working on a hot vehicle isn't a good idea. Something about scalding hot engines and all that crap.

The food was delicious and plentiful, although a ton more expensive than I'd ever be willing to pay. Apparently beto's got posh while Andrew was in Costa Rica. So we probably won't be going back ever, but it was fun while it lasted.

We knew we'd need a new serpentine belt, so we were exploring options. We were really close to a shopko, and we figured they might have an automotive section. We didn't know what belt we'd need, but we figured dad would know. While looking out the window Andrew noticed an Auto Zone about 15 meters south of us. That was a really good deal for us.

Cut to the chase: we got the belt, spent about 45 minutes putting it on, got a nice couple to give us a jumpstart, ran the van long enough and hot enough to charge the battery, and then came home. This marks the first automotive adventure we'd had in Logan thus far.

It also gave me good reason to take a close look at the van. It's been making new angry noises every once in a while at us. Very grindy, seems to happen when we're going uphill and I let off the gas. The tires are completely bald, and one of them is even showing cracks. The transmission still leaks, and it can't hold on to motor oil to save its life. Power steering pump still leaks too- that's why I now supply the power steering instead of the van supplying it. Headlights function, but I'm pretty sure my cellphone would do a better job lighting the way in front of us. The front driver-side door doesn't close unless you do some tricky stuff to it. Other than that, though, it's still running well. Seatbelts still work, seats are still comfy. The windows still go up and down when you crank it.

It really looks like it's almost time for the van to call it a day. It has been a long-serving and faithful part of the family. The odometer reads something over 290,000 miles right now. That might be with two separate engines- I'm not entirely sure about its history before we got it- but still, that's dang impressive. It has been running with a gimped transmission for several years now. It has served us very well.

But it's old, and getting it ready for winter is at least 200 bucks. We have no guarantee on how long the van will hold up, so investing that much money into good tires seems questionable. We don't really need the van up here, since Kyle's got half a vehicle and Brad will have one pretty soon.

So the van's future isn't decided yet by any means, but I think I'm finally ready to accept the fact that it might go soon. I sorta expected it to last me until I got on a mission, and it still might, but we'll see. The next time we go to salt lake might be the last time the van makes the trip. We'll see what Dad wants to do.

I've been thinking about the major, lately, as I do. I think I might have found one more underlying thing that makes me worry about this stuff. When I was thinking about being a teacher the other day (still thinking about that, by the way), I loved the idea because I already feel like I'm a bit of a teacher. I've done it before. In small capacities, yes, but I've done it. I've been around teachers for a very long time. I'm familiar with it. The idea of getting a degree so I could be a teacher sounded like something that would make me better at something. Increase my skills and all that. Make me a better tool.

I think that's one of the reasons it's so appealing. I'm afraid of engineering because it seems like I have to "become" an engineer. Like there's no part of me that's an engineer right now, but that I have four years to transform myself. Just seems very- not me, I guess.

I love the idea of progress. I love the idea of taking me and making me a better me. But I don't fall in love with the idea of changing me entirely. I don't like the idea of, "Well, you're sort of worthless as it is, so let's transform you into an engineer!" I know that that logic is a little bit twisted, but I don't want to lose myself to be an engineer. I want to take what I've already got an apply it. I want to get better, but I want to stay me.

I had a lot of free time today, and I didn't do anything incredible with it. I'm not saying that I feel bad about that or anything, I just sort of wish that I was super good at using my time wisely. I could have learned something good today. I could have made a new friend, or worked out, or read something enlightening. I'm sure that some day in the future I will wish that I'd done more to make myself better when I had such a great chance.

I think I want a book to read. I haven't read a book just to read a book in a very very long time. Reading a book is so noble it feels. Maybe I'll find something.

I'm probably headed home next weekend, unless something changes. I don't really have any reason that I need to go home, but it'd be fun to be back. Mom misses us. And I've got a pretty cute nephew that keeps getting bigger that I'd like to see. Let's not forget to mention all the people in Salt Lake that I'd like to see, that's good stuff too.

It looks like it's time for me to go now. I'm going to a play tomorrow, that should be pretty good. I'm glad I'm in creative arts, it's a pretty sweet class. We're getting there, definitely. This stage of life is different from all those other ones, that's for sure. I've done a lot better this week, which has been really nice, but sometimes I still get a little worried about stuff. It's an interesting battle we fight, living the way we do. But it's certainly better than nothing.

I'm a fan of life. It's time to go though. I hope that you're all doing well. Happy Friday evening. Much love, I'll see you all later~

Logan Blogaday - Day Thirty-One

Thirty-One Days. Yikes, that's a whole lot of days.

It's 3:52 AM right now, just finished up a calc assignment. I know I got a few of the answers wrong, but it's way too late for me to be too concerned about it. It was cool to start understanding some stuff that I hadn't understood before. I'm dealing with unit vectors, and I'm finally getting them. We've touched on them in calculus before, we've used them a bit in physics, and we used them very heavily in statics. I finally started understanding them tonight. So that's good news. I always got by before, but now I feel good about them. So that's good news for all of us.

Today was a good day. Not too much went down, so that was cool. I had a really good time socializing tonight. I don't do that too often, so it was nice to go hang out with people. Katie and Molly are pretty nice to make us food.

I really wanted to go home this weekend. It's the homecoming football game, and I wanted to go support. I could have gone home tomorrow and come back saturday night, but alas, I have a play I have to go to on saturday. It'll be fun, but it's a thumbs down that I can't make it home. It hasn't been long at all since I've been home, and I wouldn't say that I'm homesick or anything, but I'm pretty excited for the next opportunity I have to be there. Home is still home, no matter what happens up here, and I like that. It adds value to the place. I know I'll be going home pretty often between now and thanksgiving, but dang, thanksgiving looks so good! Being at home for more than two days, plenty of food and family and then some friends, dang, that's good stuff.

Not too much to say tonight, or at least not too much to say this late at night. Tomorrow should be pretty good, providing that I can get up to actually make it to calculus. That's really the only thing standing between me and the weekend, just one more day to wake up. I think I can do it.

I hope that you're all doing well. This is the last official day of blogaday, but I'll certainly post tomorrow and at least a few days after that. I'm not wrapping it up quite yet. So, yeah, happy Thursday everybody. Here's to a dang good Friday. One day at a time~

Logan Blogaday - Day Thirty?!

Whoa! Day Thirty? That's insane! That one definitely snuck up on me out of nowhere. But I'm happy for it, I guess. Not too bad. I don't intend to stop blogaday once my 31 day commitment is over, just so you all know. I might shake things up a little bit, but I don't foresee any major changes in my posting habits. At least I hope not. I've been enjoying this. I think it has been really good for me. And it's so great to have a community again. I like that even though some of us are pretty far apart we can still support each other. That's good stuff right there.

Today has actually been really really good. It's just a little bit before 3 AM right now, so it's still super late, but I accomplished some good things today. I got to calculus with about 10 minutes left of class. That means I missed almost all of the lecture, but at least I got my assignment turned in. Luckily the stuff we were covering didn't look too beefy. I think that if I read the section real carefully a couple of times I ought to be able to get it down.

My break between calculus and Physics was an important one today. I've only managed to stay awake for that one-hour break about three times in all the fifteen or so that I've tried it. It's still relatively early in the morning, and unless I'm up moving around I tend to get really drowsy. I always say I'll read my physics chapter, but I usually get one section out of eight read and then fall asleep on the book. Sometimes I intentionally sleep through it.

But today I went to the computer lab and sat next to Molly. I'm pretty sure she didn't notice that it was actually me right there, since I was pretty sneaky about stuff and didn't say hello, but I thought I was cool for being so ninja like.

So I updated myself on all the new blog posts, read some news, read some slashdot, you know, made the rounds. I finally sat down and started looking at majors again, and that was pretty cool. A couple of days ago I made a big list of majors I'd be interested in looking at. I didn't filter out much- if it sounded like I might enjoy it I put it on the list. I didn't have that list today, but I went through a lot of the ones that I remembered and just checked out their pages on Utah State's website. It was pretty cool. It felt good to actually be doing something about the situation, you know? I didn't make any decisions or anything, but I found some stuff that I'd never looked at before that looked pretty fun. Business information systems looks like it might be sorta cool, but so does a lot of other stuff. Parks and recreation? You better believe I looked into it.

As I walked on campus today I had a thought. I could actually be a high school teacher. I've always sort of neglected that idea because I know that it doesn't pay all that well. My financial philosophy, though, is that I can be completely happy and comfortable and taken care of regardless of how much money I make, provided that I manage it well and don't fall victim to lifestyle inflation. Putting the money idea aside, teaching is actually quite alluring.

Teaching is something I've always enjoyed. I get all giddy when I have a captive audience. It's something that I think I'm fairly good at too. Okay, I'm not actually saying I'm "pro" or anything, but I'm saying that it falls within the basic skillset that I seem to have. I obviously have a TON of work to do to move forward with it. Teaching would give me an opportunity to do good in the world, and that's something I'm very interested in doing. I also thought a bit about the administrative route. I do like being in charge, you know.

So I'm not saying I'm jumping on that wagon just yet, but I'm going to look into it a little more. It's worth investigating, just like a few other things are.

I had an incredible institute class today. Brother Manning, my teacher, is a super good person. He does his best to be sensitive and to follow the things he's supposed to follow. It's a mission prep class, and it makes me happy. Me and one other guy, Jake, sang "I am a Child of God" together in front of the class today. It was part of the lesson, and it was just cool to be able to do that. First off, that we were all okay with each other so that we could do that. Second, that Brother Manning called on the two of us knowing that we'd be okay with it. Yeah, I sing loud during the opening hymns, and he knew Jake was musical, but still, pretty awesome. It was just a great lesson, and I felt a lot of important things through all of it.

I worked today to follow through on those things that I felt like I should do. I wanted to say hi to everybody that I met as I walked home from that class. I didn't do that... I got about 2/17 I think. But still, that's two. I finally got some oil and consecrated it, and I feel great about that. That's something that I should have done a while ago, but it just feels so good to have it now. It's, well, the epitome of manliness, this stuff that we do. I like it.

Today was an excellent day, and I'm feeling good about things. It's 3:13 AM, for a lot of reasons. Tomorrow's thursday, and I think I understand most of what's going to be asked of me.

One final thought for the night before I go. I feel ready to move forward on a few things. Which is a great change from this past month of uncertainty and doubt about whether I'd ever be able to move forward. It's nothing huge, but I feel like I'm ready to be nice to people. I had a thought tonight that being unkind was just so plain childish. I feel ready to put that behind me and start being nice to everybody. A lot of that focuses on my roommates. I don't know if any of us noticed it, but it seemed like we were all doing a better job tonight being kind to each other. We joked around, some of that was good and some of that was bad, but we were mostly kind to each other, and I love the way that that feels. I just, well, feel ready to make that step and commit to being nice. I think that counts being kinder to everybody else too. I just want to be a nice guy.

Tomorrow is a bold new day with a bold new calculus assignment for me to conquer. I'm excited about what I can learn about it tomorrow. I'm excited to see how tomorrow can make me grow. Today was a good day for me.

I hope that you're all doing well. I'm really glad we're all in this boat together. We're pretty cool, I'm thinking. Have a great night or day, whenever you read this, friends. I'll catch you all later. We'll do something cool when that happens. Yep. Goodnight friends!

Logan Blogaday - Day Twenty-Nine Part B

3:00 AM flat- Yep, must be calculus.

It's not that the assignments are that beefy, because they're not. They're entirely reasonable. I just don't start them till one in the morning.

Before I jump into anything I'd just like to say thanks to all my friends who have helped support me through all this college business. It's been one of the roughest months of my life, and it's nice to know that there are people out there who care about me. So, thanks friends. I really do appreciate you, and you really do make a difference.

I've had a lot of thoughts today. One of the biggest ones is the question of how much control over myself I really have. If I really wanted to make myself get up in the mornings and study before class instead of staying up late, could I do it? Am I strong enough to make myself do things?

I know that the answer is ultimately yes. But isn't that a frightening prospect, the idea that I couldn't do it? By all means, I've been trying, perhaps a little half-heartedly, to be perfect for a long time. We all know how that's been working out for me.

So I think that's what's on my mind tonight. That idea of self-mastery. The concept of putting off the natural man and doing all the things that the better part of you wants to do.

A wise fellow taught a good lesson on "spirituality" to me and Kasey once. He asked us to define spirituality. We fumbled about for a bit, and then he threw us a rope and said, "Okay, what are the characteristics of a spiritual person?"

He eventually boiled it down for us. He explained that a spiritual person is someone whose spirit is in charge instead of their body. A saint as opposed to a natural man. Someone who controlled themselves. Self mastery.

So I think that's something that I want to work on. I didn't start my calc till after One tonight. I'm surviving because I slept till noon and had a little nap. This is functional, but I don't want to be like this. I can change this. I'm strong enough to. I have to want it and I have to work for it. But I can do it.

I don't know if it'll happen today or tomorrow. Saying that almost guarantees it won't. But that's the new goal- work on self mastery. Just what I've been thinking about tonight. Bringing all the parts of me into one harmonious blend of goodness with the important parts of me in charge instead of the lazy parts.

Remember how I said that if I got more than 65% on my physics test it'd be a miracle? Write this one down in your journals- I got 79/90, or 87.8 percent. I understand how I got that score, but that's dang high considering everything. I'm counting myself blessed. I'm definitely preparing myself more for the next test. But, well, that's something worth smiling about.

A pretty good day, all things told. My tuesdays and thursdays are really easy. I got a few good things accomplished today. There was a lot I could have done and didn't, but it was still pretty good.

I'm really liking this one-day-at-a-time routine.

Tomorrow is a wednesday. What am I going to do tomorrow that is going to change my life for the better? I'm going to read my physics chapter. That's my enrichment activity for tomorrow. One physics chapter, five days before it's due. No guarantees on the homework, but I'll read the chapter.

Okay, it's late. I hope you're all doing well. Sort of an odd post... but once again, thanks to everybody who's been helping me get by lately. You're great friends. I appreciate you. Have a great one~

Logan Blogaday - Day Twenty-Nine

Sometimes, instead of waking up and doing productive stuff when I don't have a class, I sleep till noon. Just thought I'd let you all know :)

More post coming later.