Sunday, September 21, 2008

Logan Blogaday - Day Thirty-Three

Keep your hand upon-a-the plow- AND hoooooooooooold Ooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

Day Thirty Three. 3:57 AM. I have officially made my sleeping situation worse. Poor choice on my part there. I want to work on that.

I spent the first twelve hours of today loafing around, more or less. I got a bit productive tonight though. I was asked to teach in priesthood tomorrow, so I worked on the lesson a little bit more. I did some thinking and other good things, so now I'm here to think some more.

It's no mystery that I don't like my life right now as much as I used to. I don't feel like that is a "depressing" or a "sad" thing to say. I don't feel depressed or anything like that, so I don't want to send that message. I'm trying to figure my life out.

I just had a good talk with Andrew. I look at where I am in my life right now, and I feel like I'm not as good as I used to be. I look at the person I was 120 days ago- I was 17. I felt so good about stuff. I was excelling in school, I was serving, I had friends and family and I was trying to be the best person I could be. Compare that with how I am now. Friends and family are still there, and I still care about them, and they still care about me. I'm passing at this school thing. Service is minimum, but not entirely gone.

I just don't feel like I'm as good as I used to be. That's a frightening prospect. What changed between then and now? What has taken me from who I was to who I am?

I have not done anything terrible. That's really good news, as it always is. There are a lot of things that I should have done that didn't. I don't think there's too much that I shouldn't have done that I did do, if that makes sense. I'm worried about omission here.

Why are things the way they are now? The move from being the top of the world at Taylorsville to being absolutely nothing in Logan has something to do with it. Leaving the incredibly encouraging and supportive environment at home for apartment 36 (Which, mind you, is still fairly supportive and encouraging...) also has stuff to do with it. A new ward, a new school, new people. The scene change has something to do with it.

The choices that I've made has something to do with it too. I haven't chosen to do some things that could move me forward in life. I don't think it's a "I'm not going to do this!" choice, but it's just a "..." choice.

Perspective also has something to do with it. I don't think I'm a terrible person. Sometimes I'm just made to think that though.

I think that the natural progress of trials also has something to do with it. This situation that I'm in isn't entirely mundane. There's more at work here.

That's a lot of factors.

So I look at this trying to find so many answers. I don't know what to do or how to approach it. It scares me to death too. I can get through this though, and I will.

It's hard to shake the contrast though. I remember graduation- I was so confident. I knew exactly what I was saying, and I totally believed it all. I still believe it. But there's a difference now. 120 days ago I could stand in front of a crowd of more than a thousand people and have something to say, something I knew to tell them. Now, I don't feel like I know anything I could tell people. I know that I know things. And those are very important things. But I don't feel like I'm the guy to share it right now. My confidence is a little bit shot.

I am where I am, in part, because of what I have done. Gradually I have risen through my life and fallen through my life. Integrate it all and you have what I am. The path upwards to who I want to be has to be a gradual one. No easy answers- alas.

And so I guess that that's where this journey takes me. I am where I am, and now it's time to change my life and go where I want to go. I've talked and I've thought. I've even pursued action. It's time to change my life.

One day at a time, I'm fixing the problems I have. It's time to go to war. Time to start fighting battles.

First on the chopping block- Bed time. My goal for next week is to be in bed by midnight. Reading scriptures in bed can count, as long as I'm in by midnight. That's huge. Pulling that off means so many things.

But I have to start somewhere... And that's something measurable. I know that it won't change everything. But it's a start. Fighting any battle will feel so refreshing.

I understand that my body is not going to like this. My habits aren't going to either. Procrastination will have to stop a little bit. This will be hard.

And I'm serious about it. As much as I know I won't be serious about it tomorrow. Can I remember what tonight is? Can I believe in who I am tonight enough to remember tomorrow who I was and to respect my old wishes? Can I believe in myself that much?

This can't be some passing fancy. There must be commitment in order for there to be any success. No one can change my life for me. Going back to Taylorsville won't fix my problems. I am where I am. And I'm not happy enough with that. So I have that choice- that same choice I've always had.

Run or die. Do I run, bust it, to move further up? Or do I die and take 11th place instead of tenth? Run or die, who am I going to be?

It's time to run. I've done enough dying lately. Wish me luck, friends. Any support you can give me would be great. I'll keep you updated on my crusade. This battle is one that's against myself. I suppose that most of them have been, haven't they? Perhaps it's a bit dramatic, but it's the way things are.

Thanks for reading friends. Good luck with everything. I'm out. It's five hours past my bedtime. Thanks friends. I'll be praying for you.

4 comments:

Fluffy said...

Thatcher, I wish you the best of luck with your improvements. I know you can do it. :) I've been having the same type of struggles lately, so thanks for your post. It sort of inspired me to keep pushing on too. I'm not so happy with the way things are right now either, but I'll make it and so will you. Good luck with everything. I miss you terribly, but you're going to do amazing things in Logan because you're just that kind of z person. Good luck with everything, Thatcher. I can't wait to see how things start getting better for you.

-Melissa

M-smash said...

I totally agree with Melissa. You're going to be great.
We can do this. I'm not sure how... but I'm putting my trust in something more powerful than my own strength.

Also, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the other night. I know it's not a big deal. But I wish I had been. I know things have been tough and sometimes I just want to hug you or to talk until the breath is sucked out of my body, (don't be alarmed if that happens.) It's kind of like an emotional throw up. :)

But anyway, if you ever need anything... baking soda, an iron, pirate dice, someone to talk/vent to. I'm definitely here for you.
Love ya.

-Marla

Combat Kyle said...

Hey, the same goes for me buddy. In the wise words of HSM, we're all in this together. Sorry if I've been a moron. It happens sometimes, as you very well know. Just let me know if you ever need anything, or what me to do something. Or stop doing something for that matter :D

Fridgecrisis said...

Looks like a lot of us are having these troubles... me included. That goal for bedtime is one I need to have, too. This being tired stuff really stinks. Best of luck, I'll keep on reading. :)