Christopher Thatcher - Day Ten

Ten days trying to remember that I'm the man for the job. Remembering is pretty hard some times. But we're getting there.

I think one of the hardest things to do up here is to remember the big picture. Things get so tiny up here so fast. Sometimes it's hard to see beyond the end of the day's assignments.

It is so nice to get a glimpse of big pictures though. I read a few paragraphs about scholarships today. An assignment for scholar's forum gives us an option of doing a few of those things, and one of those things is writing a letter to someone who gave you a shot at coming to school because of a scholarship.

It was just really cool to step back and see that people were actually funding me because they believe in me. A couple of sources. Utah State, the federal government, ATK/chamberwest. That's pretty incredible.

I feel pretty inadequate sometimes. I started my calculus assignment tonight at one. That's late. It wasn't because I was working on other stuff today, it was just because I was really being a slacker. I don't work as hard as I can up here. I'm not doing all the awesome things I could be. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sucking it up.

And that's a really really close-picture mindset. In all honesty, yeah, my schoolwork isn't all that great right now. I do plan on getting a 4.0, but I still feel like I could be doing much better. Day by day, I'm not doing too great.

Stepping back, though, things are going better. I'm taking decent care of my body. My bloodsugar levels used to be much better than they were at home. The past few weeks have been a little worse than usual, but I think I can get it back into swing. I've been doing more exercise up here than I was doing my senior year of high school. Thank you PE class and giant hill between me and campus. I'm learning how to cook and shop for myself. I've finally found the value of a clean room and a clean kitchen. I've started taking the garbage out without anybody telling me to. As life goes, I'm starting to be a useful roommate instead of an appreciated and loved parasite like I was at home.

I am moving towards graduation, as ridiculous as that sounds. I don't know what degree I'm doing to graduate with just yet, but I'm moving towards it. I'm knocking down some generals and learning some stuff. I'm more educated now than I ever have been before.

There's a lot that needs to be done. And I know that I'm not doing as well as I should be. But I'm not dead yet. And I'm not giving up.

I read Nate Cunningham's email to everybody from tonight. I haven't been reading them, but I decided to tonight, and it was really cool. He's way pumped up about everything in the MTC, it makes me happy. It got me all excited to go serve.

To be honest, that's something that I'm so happy about. Knowing that a mission is in my future gives me a lot to smile about. I feel so inadequate here. I'll be inadequate there, too, but that's an inadequate that I know how to fix. That's one of those things that I know is going to work out. It's a two-year investment that pretty much can't be the wrong thing to do. I know that that's what I'm supposed to do, and I know that everything is going to be so much better because I did it. It'll be incredibly hard work, but it's what I want to do. It won't magically change me into a better person, but I know that I'll become better through doing it. That's just a great plan, I gotta say.

so, I spent most of today pretty discouraged. But it's 2:24, and I'm feeling pretty encouraged. I'm really considering sluffing physics tomorrow. I sleep through it everyday anyways- what if I spend that hour doing work instead?

A final thought before I leave- As me and kyle walked out of the engineering building today I spotted a one-dollar-bill lying on the ground. I pointed it out to kyle, but I didn't pick it up. I didn't pick it up because I feel like money on the ground carries an incredibly large responsibility. Once you pick that up, your first task is to try to find out who it belongs to. Failing that, you have to do something incredible with it. My first thoughts are donate it to charity or use it to change the world. I couldn't really pocket that one dollar bill, because I wouldn't feel that good about it. I'd have to give it to something great or do something to help someone with it. It couldn't just be mine.

So, kyle picked it up, and we discussed this all the way home. I explained that I hadn't picked it up because of the great responsibility that I felt like it carried, and Kyle explained why he picked it up and why he's going to use it to pay for a haircut in a few weeks. We took the conversation pretty light and easy, having a lot of fun arguing back and forth. I had fun with it, and I hope I didn't make Kyle feel bad.

But the whole thing got me thinking. Kyle was sort of "given" that one dollar bill. From wherever, you decide. Be it divine intervention or whatever you want to call it, Kyle had a dollar bill bestowed upon him. I take that sort of seriously. When I have things bestowed upon me, I feel like I have a responsibility to make the most of it.

And I realized that I've got a lot of stuff bestowed upon me all the time. Fifteen minutes of free time that I've been "bestowed"- What am I going to do with that? A particularly good hair day- What about that one?

I don't live my life like that, but I start to wish that I did. I know that if I work harder, my life is going to get better on a lot of fronts. There's a lot of reasons for me to work to be great. Being great for the right reasons is pretty incredible. That's something that I want to be. That's something that I've forgotten. That's something that I just realized that I need to remember, that's good news :)

2:30, sounds like a great time to skeedaddle out of here and start some important study. Thanks for letting me write. That's code for "thanks for not leaving mean comments telling me to stop writing." Things are tough. For everyone. But I want to be better. And I'm going to work at it. I need it.

Happy Tuesday evening. I'm coming home this weekend, and I'm so excited about that. Much love, I'll catch you all later.