Monday, September 01, 2008

Logan Blogaday - Day Thirteen

Happy Sunday, everybody.

So, today has been interesting. Don't you love how every day is interesting? Maybe that word choice comes from a lot of different places. Maybe I'm like a politician, covering everything up with "interesting". "There was a huge train wreck today that was all my fault. Isn't that interesting?" No, I don't think that's it.

I've said before that my method of discovery is something like this: I see something that makes me develop a theory about life, and then I adopt it as if it were true. I live my life until something forces me to change it. Now that's an incredibly simplified version of all of that, obviously, but the point still stands. I think "interesting" means that it was a little outside of my understanding. Some behavior that wasn't expected or predicted.

Like I said, today has been interesting. There are several stories from today. Church was incredible. Like I said last night, I just love church. Going to church is incredible. It feels like it's been forever, so today was awesome. It had really only been a week; I'm not sure why it felt like it had been so long. Anyways; great. After dinner me, Andrew, Levi, and James collaborated on dinner and made a super sweet meal. We had fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy. We experimented with frying breaded cheese and breaded onions. Both were pretty good; it was a successful meal.

There are a few more adventures that could be related today, but that's not really what's on my mind right now. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write about what I want to write about. If you don't like it, you can go read Nick's blog.

A person who is very dear to me came over tonight, just to visit. All of us here sat out in the living room and visited for a while. We had a good time, I think, but there were a few things that bothered me about the experience.

For whatever reasons, the four of us that live here were putting on a bit of a show. I think it was subconscious, but we had visitors, so we were in our social character instead of our *real* character. I don't think there's anything wrong with being in social character, since it's a subconscious thing anyways, but still.

Important background: Me, Levi, James, and Kyle have been friends since the seventh grade. We learned in the seventh grade that self-deprecating humor always got laughs. We'd talk about our troubles getting ladies or the fact that we smelled funny and then people would laugh. Over time, as we grew closer together and grew more confident, we started including each other in our self-deprecating humor. Instead of talking about *me* smelling bad, I'd talk about *kyle* smelling bad. Of course, I'd do this when it was me and kyle talking to someone else. It was like some of Kyle's smell was reflected back on to me, so the self-deprecating humor came from both of us, since I was his friend. We got to be very good at comfortable at this kind of humor. It is now an engrained part of our social character. When we're together, we make fun of each other. We poke fun at everybody. We use it to get laughs from each other and from anybody we meet. We do it kindheartedly and with nothing but love for each other. We all know the game, and we all play the game.

Tonight, for whatever reasons, we were being worse about it though. Maybe it was Kyle wasn't here, or maybe it was cause there were new guests so we were putting on a show, but we were dirtier about it than usual. I don't feel good about it, and that bothers me. I've always known that our derisive humor wasn't a great thing. I didn't figure that it was terrible though. But tonight I think we definitely crossed some lines. I'm not saying that we're terrible people or that we said anything that we hadn't necessarily said before, but I just don't feel good about it. I wish that we'd have been kinder tonight.

And I wish that for two reasons. Reason number one is that I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to love more and to treat everybody like the valued person they are. I'm trying to care about people like I used to do a lot better. And tonight had none of that in it. Tonight I was a dirtbag. So, no, I'm not a dirtbag, but tonight I wasn't good like I want to be. Tonight wasn't an improvement over anything. It was certainly regression. This isn't a huge deal, I'm just saying. In a quest to be a better person, tonight certainly didn't move me forward.

Reason number two is that I was really looking forward to visiting with the person who came by tonight, and we all sorta botched it. We didn't have a really good time because we were being such dirtbags. I think that people are important. Sam Worsham said that relationships are the most important thing. Not like, relationships, but just relationships between people. I'm beginning to agree more and more. As far as moving relationships forward, tonight didn't move me forward at all, it moved me backwards I feel.

So that's two quests I'm on- relationships and being a better person, that didn't move forward tonight even though I had a great opportunity for it.

I'm not slamming myself for this, but I recognize that I screwed up. What do I do about it? I've got a few ideas, we'll see how it goes.

Do you notice that I say we'll see how it goes very often as well? That's because I believe it. I know that we'll see how it goes. Of course we will. But still, I'm compelled to wonder about some of the things I've said we'll see about. I don't remember any specifically, but I know that most of my posts will have it in there. I wonder if I had a list of times I'd said it, if I could look back and see exactly how a few of those things went. "I'm auditioning for madrigals tomorrow- we'll see how it goes." I saw how it went. I've been there. Interesting how we are where we are because of what we've chosen to do. Also interesting that I always seem to forget what I've done and where I'm from. The present is so consuming. It's hard to look backwards and forwards, but I know it's the right thing to do.

I worry and think about so much. Writing is such a parallel to life for me, it's insane. Tonight's post could have gone many directions, because there are a lot of things on my mind. I have chosen to include what I have because I feel like A) it's the right thing to do. and B) this is what I think is important for me to share. I've thought a lot about my grammar tonight. I know that I misuse commas like crazy. I'm a chronic sentence splicer. I used to pride myself in being able to write freehand like this and still make grammatical sense. But I realize now that I'm rife with errors. I am okay with that. Really. But still, I've been thinking about it. And I wanted to bring it up a few times earlier. I resisted the urge because I knew that it would take away from what I was trying to write and the things that I was trying to say. I say it now to point out that sometimes I pick my battles. Sometimes things are worth fighting and other things aren't.

One interesting thing about the social life at college is that I'm a freshman and that I'm going on a mission in less than a year. I am in a lame-duck period in a big way. I'm only here temporarily before I leave for two dedicated years. I'm not here to find a wife. I'm not here to get a degree for a while. I'm here for one year and then I'm so out of here.

So sometimes I get stuck in the cycle of thinking that I'm a second-class citizen here. I get stuck remembering that there are tons of people around who have served missions and who have mounds of experience that I simply don't have yet. I know that there are people who have been going to this university for years- they know their stuff. There are people with plans, people with fiance's, people with everything. I'm not a person with those things, so sometimes I forget that I'm real too.

Isn't that a terrifying idea? I think about what I'm writing now. I realize that I'm on the threshold of a big and new era of my life. I know that some things are going to change. A mission will change a lot of things. Two full semesters of university will change things too. Life on my own, doing my own laundry, meeting new people, walking up the hill a million times- all of this is going to change me at least a little bit.

I know that I'm not at my final destination. But sometimes I forget that that doesn't mean that I'm not here right now. There's a scripture somewhere that says something to the extent of: "But let no man despise thy youth, but be thou an example of the believers..." I had an incredible lesson based on that scripture once. This was a few years ago. We learned and were taught that it didn't matter that we were young, but that we were still important and that we still had much to offer. That's something that I need to do a better job remembering. Even though I've got big adventures ahead of me, I'm still me. And I'm still going to be me- no matter what happens.

I've come this far, with help. I'm not going to go further and forget who I am. I will go farther. But that's going to be me, not somebody else. I need to remember that too.

It's a monument thing. I don't believe that just because something was before means that it should be now. But I also believe that things are a lot more important than we ever give them credit for. I believe that if something was important to me before, I need to at least respect the past version of me and remember that it happened and not be ashamed of it. I dated Marissa back in the day. I don't feel the way about Marissa now that I did then. But I recognize that it happened and I recognize that I did feel that way. I'm not going to back down and say that I was under the influence of any mind-altering medication or that I was a hormonally imbalanced teenager. Chemistry aside, I'll stand by what I've done. But that doesn't mean that I can never feel that way about someone else or that I have to feel that way about a certain girl. I suppose, then, that this is about balance. Striking a balance between respecting, recognizing, and celebrating the past with exploring the frontiers of change and progress. Where do we find that balance? Where do we teach ourselves when it is time to let go of that which we've never had the bravery to let go of before? When is it right to believe in what you once knew certainly without a doubt to be true and when is it right to believe in what you now feel? Can I, as an individual, trust what I've felt, even though I can't feel it right at the moment? Can I find strength and reason to work if that particular fire of emotion isn't present, only in my memories? Where do we draw that line? Where do we stop being the good guy and start being the creeper? Where do we lose our measure of nobility and become plain out annoying?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I'm trying to do the best I can. Sometimes, like tonight, I don't move forward. I think that blogging like this helps me move forward, at least a bit.

One closing thought. Today in church the idea of a rescue party came up. A speaker was telling a story about being on a pioneer trek this summer. One group had made it to camp hours before another two groups, and the information had been relayed to camp that the two other groups were suffering. The word came out that the company already at camp (Who had already walked and traversed tons of miles that day) was to send a rescue party to go relieve them. They were told to gather their strong and healthy men and to go get them. The sister speaking described the scene very vividly, and she relayed her emotions about seeing the men literally running in a bee line to where they knew the other companies were desperately needing their help.

When I thought about that, I knew that if I were there, I'd be running. I take any chance to run I can get. Cross country did that to me. It instilled a bit of pride in my ability to keep on going even when I've already been beaten. I'd want to be in the rescue party. That's the kind of guy that I am. If I were a pioneer, or if I were on the trek, I'd have gone running- I know that.

But it's not the nineteenth century, and very rarely will I need to run when my body is weary to rescue suffering pioneers. But I know that there are times when I have opportunities to metaphorically run and rescue. Do I take those opportunities? For one who loves to run and loves to help, why don't I do a better job at finding? What are the opportunities that I have? What stands in my way of taking those opportunities? How do I do better?

I just love that vivid image of running. I want to run. I do. I know I don't do a great job of doing it. But I want to.

It's a quest I'm on, this life business of ours. And we slide, day in and day out. Sliding between the people we want to be and the people that we are. Tonight I was a bit of a jerk. Tonight I didn't show care the way that I should have. Tonight was a big difference between the person I want to be and the person I acted like. But I want to do better. Tomorrow's a new day. Tonight is still tonight- there's still time. Live your life. Choose to live.

No comments: