Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Logan Blogaday - Day Twenty-Eight

Hey, happy day twenty-eight.

*note- I'm ending the post without expressing thanks and saying that I care about you all. I don't want to do it at the end. So here I am, coming back, to say it now. Thanks for reading the post, if you do. Sounds like everybody had a pretty rough Monday. I'm sorry. I hope you're doing alright though. We're in this boat together it looks like. So at least we're in good company. Much love friends, let me know if there's something I can do for you. Have a great night. /end note*

This morning was awesome. Last night, as you may recall, I decided to go to bed instead of finishing my calc assignment. I decided to wake up and finish it in the morning. It actually happened. I attribute it to Divine kindness, because I know that I can't get myself up in the morning like that. But I was able to get up, get the assignment finished, and get to class on time. That was sweet.

We had a physics test today. I was under the mistaken impression that it'd be more about problem solving than it would be about memorizing formulas. Yeah, it was nothing but formulas. Nothing tricky about the test, just got to memorize formulas. I didn't memorize them because I thought we'd have them. That was entirely my fault.

If I get more than 65% on the thing it'll be a miracle. I'm pretty confident that I passed the test. I answered every question, but I know that two of my answers were entirely bs. I didn't know the formulas, so I made some up using the variables I knew were involved. I did get a few right, no question. But I know I got a few wrong. Thumbs down for that.

That was a downer. I came home after creative arts and did a bit of prep for my physics lab and slept until then. Lab today was long and head-achey. We were doing light diffraction and interference, so we were shining lasers on the wall. That meant that we had to have the overhead lights off, and we were using desklamps to let us write on the papers. I don't know what it was, but the whole thing gave me a headache. Didn't help that I took about 20 minutes more to finish the lab as everybody else. I mean c'mon.

FHE tonight was a stake thing. Luau, without any meat. I guess it's cool, I'm not mad or anything. I just... I'm so tired of people telling me there'll be food and there not being food. Granted, they never specifically said "pig", but I assumed it'd be there. That wasn't a good assumption to make. They did have some sherbet and some sprite, as well as some cookies. Rumor has it there was some fruit somewhere that I didn't notice.

This isn't the first time we've been duped into thinking there'd be food and there wasn't. The honors program keeps getting us with it. Unless you're one of the first ten people there you don't get any pizza.

We're fragile college students. We're trying to make this ridiculous system work. We've got delicate budgets and we're inches away from mental and emotional breakdown when you least expect it. Telling us there'll be food and then not having food is not a good idea. It's incredibly mean.

I had a rough time today. I kept my head up through most of it, but it was ugly. I don't like sucking at school.

But hey, one day at a time, right? Today was a brute. But now I know what to expect for next time's physics test. I know that I can get up in the mornings to study. I worked out a tiny bit, so maybe my arms will be stronger tomorrow than they were today. I played a bit of Ultimate, too.

So yeah, I'm struggling here. But I know that sometimes struggle is a good thing. I am moving forward... but that doesn't mean that I'm not getting my butt kicked by the whole process.

I've wanted pretty often for something miraculous to happen to fix all these problems. I've really wanted to go to sleep and have an incredible prophetic dream that told me what I was supposed to major in. I've wanted a lot of things that are bugging me right now to just resolve themselves.

But that's not happening. And it's not because it can't happen, because I'm pretty sure that if it needed to it would. I'm struggling, but I know that not all of it is because I'm a slacker. I understand that a lot of the problems I face are because I'm not working hard enough or whatever. But I know that some of this stuff is just there to make me stronger.

A lot of this is my fault. But I do take a bit of happiness out of knowing that things suck because I can get better. If I couldn't get better through it, there'd be absolutely no reason for things to suck. So, hey, that's some pretty good news.

It's only 1:06, pretty good for the day. I'm going to try to wake up tomorrow morning and try some calculus before class again. Today was rough. I'm not sure that I've ever had a "breakdown", but today I felt like I was close. But hey, I kept my head up, and we've made it through. Tomorrow's a new day. Only two real classes to go to, plus Ultimate. A calculus assignment, some work for scholar's forum, a few meals to take care of. I can do it, with help.

So here I go. This one goes in the box. Like every other day I've ever lived. Sometime between tonight and tomorrow morning this one will get filed away into that great corrugated box. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up standing on the box, peddling my destiny like always.

Here I go.


Anonymous said...

I noticed your readiness to break down. I should have done something. Also, the truth is scary, which is why I avoid it through small talk sometimes. Slap me if you notice me doing that because I do it all the time. It scares me when you say how close to mental breakdown we all are. I honestly don't get stressed about my own schoolwork. What really hurts inside is when you guys are stressed about school and there is absolutely nothing i can do to help you understand it better. Last year was good because, though I basically accept that you are better at math than me, I could still find ways to help you with maybe one step that you missed or something. Now it's totally on you. The downside of the PE major is that I'm (Andrew says to grow a pair princess) completely useless to my friends. That's one reason that I'm trying to learn the ins and outs of college administration, because I feel like that might be one of the only ways that I can truly help you. People like me just want to have information that people need. It's not so much that I need to be needed, because I'm not depressed or anything, but I feel like seeing that I can help people makes it easier to do so. We're all human, we should celebrate it. I've noticed a lot of things that you are getting better at. I won't mention what they are, I just thought I'd tell you that I noticed. Thanks for being a good roommate and a good friend. Seeing you despair makes me realize how hard some things can be. Seeing you triumph makes me want to do the impossible too. Thanks for the thought-provoking words.
James Gardner

Jaron Frost said...

That is incredibly mean, to promise food and not deliver! Especially if you skip dinner or something, trying to save money and time. Psh. Slackers!